to sometimes really regret buying a house and giivng up my dream?

[halia]

Last year I sold my house which I bought before I met DH. This was part of a plan for us to move to the country (acheived) by selling first my old house and then our family house to free up cash.
Well we found a place (needs work) in a lovely town in glorious surroundings which suits DS so much. Apart from the housin crash which means we havnt' managed to sell our family house yet its all going to plan.

BUT, the cash I had (for 2 months) in a bank account last year would have funded my entire MA and PHd fees with just enough to rent somewhere nr the university plus basic living expenses for at least 2-3 years depending on how careful I was.
I wouldn't have been dependant on DH for money at all and I would have had that freedom of knowing it was solely MY choice and MY responsibility to make decisions.

I would have been skint, I wouldn't have had a house of my own, DS and me would have had to live in a rented teeny tiny place for at least 5 years and when I finished I wouldn't have any savings for a deposit or anything.

and... it meant (in my head) splitting from DH. Now there's a whole host of issues around DH and my relationship and splitting up has been discussed a few times but we've decided to stick it out. Right now however I am relaly regreted my decision. Its not so much that DH and me are arguing again - actally we are generally doing BETTER in our relationship than we were 2-3 months ago. Its just that I feel so stuck.

DH works away (nr our old family house) during the week and I havn't got a job up here yet. I spend nearly all my time doing solo childcare and of course i havnt' yet got good friends to share/chat/ with (I am making aquintances but only been here 2 months).

I'm quite frankly bored to tears alot of the time, scared of the long summer holidays still trying to study p/t for a lesser qualification and very very tired.

I feel old, and trapped. Its like everything I wanted to do is slowly drifting away from me. We've both made compromises on what we'd really like to be doing with our life but i'm no longer sure if this is right for either of us.

I don't know what to do, the money is all tied up now and there are good things about where we are - especially for DS.

This isn't the life I want though.

Wheres your plan b? why cant you continue with a ma/phd ,what about the OU , wheres the nearest uni to you now ,does the uni you were looking at before offer any distance learning ? It sounds to me as though you are going through the normal moving to a new area jitters . Why not spend some of the time you are bored researching ways you could achieve your goal ,it might not be exactely acheived in the same way you had hoped but the goal will be the same

I agree with what bumpsoon says. Is there any reason you cant do your phd? Lots of people do them part time alongside working part time and if you look into it many universities have at least fees only bursaries. Perhaps you could even be lucky enough to be fully funded? Am speaking here as a lecturer and soon to be finished (or hope to be) phd student with 2 little children

Where in the country are you? Maybe someone could have some advice locally?

OK first of all, 2 months is not much time to get your feet under you. Moving/selling houses is extremely stressful and (obviously!) a huge upheaval. So take a breath.

No reason at all why you can't do your studying. Find the course you want and figure out a way to do either via distance learning or part-time.

But take it easy on yourself, get the house sorted, get DS settled and then take a look around and decide what you want to do. Trust me, after 11 years on the move I know of what I speak, just get everything at home sorted first and then worry about the long term.

You sound very indipendant, and if I may say a little resentful I don't mean that in a nasty way, I know exactly where you are coming from as i feel similar, I think all of the changes you have made and the compromises are getting to you at the moment, and you are focusing on what could have been, the grass is always greener and all that, after much mulling and lots of regrets over my own life I decided to focus on what I have and concentrate on the good bits in my case DD in yours DS, I would suggest that you try to integrate with your new community, maybe a p/time job or volunteer, join a comittee or something so you feel more a part of where you are now, and I would definately look into courses, the ones that you want to do and not second choice ones go for it, you can do most things that you put your mind to, it's knackering I know but you will feel much more contented, put a plan in place for the future to where you want to be, what you want to be this will give you something to focus on. I sound a bit bossy I'm not just know where your'e coming from now and it's not a good place to be, I wish you well and hope you feel more like the real you soon

Wheres your plan b? this is it! basically plan b was for me to project manage the house renovation etc and then when house was sold and we had only a small mortgage for DH to give up work (by jan next year) and me to go back to f/t work or us both to work p/t and have opportunity to study etc. Except now DH is talking about staying in his f/t job for another 3 years There is no feasable way (financial and logistical) for me to work or study f/t unless DH is here to take on at least half of the school run/ childcare stuff.

why cant you continue with a ma/phd , because I now havn't got the money to fund it and because DH is working f/t and we are in the countryside I can't offer the commitment needed for a scholarship (f/t study) or the time for p/t work and p/t study as WELL as all the school runs etc.

what about the OU , did my degree through the OU but they dont' offer a research PHd in my subject

wheres the nearest uni to you now ,about an hour away and I dont' drive

does the uni you were looking at before offer any distance learning ? no

It sounds to me as though you are going through the normal moving to a new area jitters . Why not spend some of the time you are bored researching ways you could achieve your goal , I am trying to honestly - but most of my bored moments are with the monotony of solo childcare (DS very difficult at the moment)
it might not be exactely acheived in the same way you had hoped but the goal will be the same

I do know there are other ways of doing it I just feel like I made a huge life change and it may have been a mistake. For the first time in 12 years I don't have the safety net of my financial independance to fall back on. I've sunk that cash/equity into a joint property and if i wanetd/needed to leave it would be a hell of a lot more complicted.

Sorry I know I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now. Its just sitting here thinking 'what the hell am I doing with my life?'.

I think YABabitU for your dream to compromise your DS so much.
It seems to be the choice between you living somewhere which would be great for him vs you getting to do what you want, but him having to live in a 'teenytiny' house and you be strapped for cash
I'm not suggesting for a minute that your DCs should always come ahead of plans for yourself, but it doesn't seem very fair on him

Halia I do empathise with your situation

I can remember feeling scared about giving up certain opportunities when I was pregnant with DS (now 3.5yrs) and My DH said - You can do these things later but you wont be able to do this - I say this as you reference childcare.

After having my DS we moved to accommodate a big promotion for DH whilst I took a demotion, it has took me over a year to 'let go' of what I thought I would be achieving. I have since gone P/T as I was not happy in my work and find that I am bored, feel stuck and whenever I look for ways to do stuff I have to think about DH's work and Childcare. I sound like a grumpy mum, I do lots with my DS and love him v much but I recognise I still have needs. SO I have sought to:

Change my career path and investigated a degree which I can do when DS goes to school in a years time (ish)

I have started to work for myself from home which I fit around DS.

I am not suggesting these as solutions but it has taken me time (2years to make friends)

Upon reflection I think it is natural to mourn you plans and you will in time find a way to pursue them - it is just not evident. It took my DH a while to understand as he was so wrapped up in his challenging role full of opportunities (I was resentful a bit)

For some women 'feeling stuck' I think it is logical stage to go through if you have previously thrived on some aspect of your life which has changed after having children.

When we moved we said if it didnt work we would change it. You can do this - I know this has many implications and wouldnt be easy but you have to believe this or you will feel like a prisoner.

You need to get through to DH and make him see - if he has gone back on what he said I think this is unfair and extremely frustrating for you.

HTH

Why does your DH need to give up work in order for you to do so? Can you not use paid childcare for school run / after school care (realise this may not be financially viable - it's a genuine question)?. I do feel your pain as I have a DH who works all hours and am also live in a rural area with no support, but I've managed to arrange reliable childcare so I can work part time. If it's a question of both needing to work late, could your DH share the pickups with you as a compromise?

I do sympathise. Have you recently finished your degree? I remember moving to the countryside
after my degree and missing the intellectual stimulation SO much. I was shocked and resentful.
When your house finally sells, will there be money available for you to travel/buy child care/pay for study?
I do believe there will be/you will find solutions, but maybe not just yet.
There's always a loss with every decision, isn't there? Aaaargh.

wasabipeas
my dream wouldn't compromise DS THAT much! not sure what is so awful about living in Durham and going to a nice school while mummy studies! and I am certain that my parenting isn't judged on how big DS bedroom is!

DH needs to give up or change his work because the logisitcs of me finding reliable childcare that would cover the hours needed for a f/t job are impossible. Of course I am looking for p/t jobs but they are hard to find!

I can do my PhD p/t but it will still cost money (fees) and if I am nto workign then I havnt' got the money, on the other hand if I am workign p/t and doing a PhD p/t then thats f/t hours and again I need DH to be around to take some of the childcare of my hands.
(he is only home from 2pm friday -9pm sunday)

I just think DH doesn't realise how hard this change has been for me despite all the positive benefits, afterall his week doesn't involve 5.30am wakeup calls from a screamy 4yr old, and in the evening he can work alte or go swimming or out for a beer whereas once DS is asleep I'm stuck in the house.

mona over I promise, I am looking up alternative plans and things wil hopefully look brighter in a bit - DS starts school in sseptember and that will make a difference to the finances and logistics of me working/studing for more than 10 hrs.

Small point, you say you don't drive. Is there a medical reason for that, or could you in fact learn now as a first step to being able to access your 'local' university?

Sounds to me like you are doing a bit of a "poor me". Everyone does sometimes, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Plenty of women manage full time childcare/full time work/studying and many of them are single. It is bloody hard but can be done if you really want to.

The first thing I would suggest would be learning to drive. How come your DS is waking you up at 5:30am? If my DS tries that without a very good reason he gets sent back to bed, and has been since he was in a bed rather than a cot.

I have lived in Durham and there is plenty for you to get involved in - I cant understand why you cant find reliable childcare in Durham?

Start to look for different wyas for you to achieve your dream or at worst plan stuff for interim period - there is no reason for you to write if off.

Get your DH to read this thread for a start - he needs to meet you half way. Have you considered other distant learning course from Newcastle, Sunderland.

medical reason for not being allowed to be behind wheel of car.
I'm glad morloth that you have a DS who you can send back to bed, mine wont' stay there unless I tried strapping him in.
I'm not in durham itself but out in the countryside.

I know people do manage f/t work etc but I dont' want to have DS in childcare from 6.30am - 6.30pm 5 days a week which would be necesary if I were to work/study f/t in my nearest large town or city.

As I said I AM looking at other alternatives especially distance learning, I can't talk to Dh about it so this was me having a moan and letting of steam.

I do think it's pretty off if you DH has changed the goal post on something you've already agreed. I think you need to point out to him that you need a solution that works for all of you and he needs to be part of that solution.

Why do you need to study again now

Wait a few years, it wont kill you.

Just to say I sympathise, I have a new dd, and while I'm loving being at home with her and wouldn't change a thing, I am also wondering how to balance a return to p/t work and childcare and fulfilling my very long held ambitions to study.

It's not a solution, but could you take the occasional day off and go to lectures/conferences on your subject area? I did this while I was working f/t, and it made me feel connected and generated ideas, at any rate. (What is your subject, by the way?).

Good luck working it out.

I think you are exaggerating a bit about the hours you would have to do if you were studying full-time.

If it takes you an hour to get to the nearest town, you wouldn't be studying all day every day 7.30 to 5.30pm would you?

You would surely be doing some independant research that could be done at home.

People DO do phds with much younger children than you have.

I agree though that living in the countryside does make the logisitics harder.

You would have to do some studying once DS was in bed (he'll be tireder once he's starts school) and it would be hard, but definitely do-able.

Just re-read your OP and think you are nervous about being financially dependent on your DH and a bit strange about "my" house etc.

You are married now so all your money is together.

However I totally get the dependency thing because it is something which stops me being a SAHM (that and I love my job).

It is v. frustrating that it always seems to be the woman who has to compromise while the man's career is prioritised.

Does DH see how resentful this makes you feel?

Halia, he goes back to bed or he gets the crazy demon mummy from hell for the whole day. He figured it out pretty quick - especially when I TOLD him

Look around, count your blessings, take stock, decide what you want to do, then start doing it.

"I think you are exaggerating a bit about the hours you would have to do if you were studying full-time.

If it takes you an hour to get to the nearest town, you wouldn't be studying all day every day 7.30 to 5.30pm would you"

My point was that I can't afford to do a f/t Phd without funding. so I'd be looking at a combination of p/t study and p/t work and that would very likely mean I was travelling every day either to get to uni or to get to work.

bus into town leaves at 7.15am, DS needed to be dropped at CM by 7am at latest assuming CM is nearish the bustop.
Bus arrives 8am
train leaves for university town at 8.15am (its a 10 minute walk to train station) and arrives at 8.40am.
Its 10-20 minute walk from train station to uni so that gets me there for 9am.

Yes I could get work in the town instead of attempting the study so cutting out the train part of the journey in which case assuming normal 9-5.30pm f/t working: DS dropped at CM around 7.55am,
bus leaves at 8.10am arrives 8.50am, (can only get this bus if workplace is within 10 mins of bus route/stop)
Leave work at 5.30, next bus is 5:35 arriving home at 6.10pm if I miss that bus I have to wait until 6.15pm and don't arrive home until around 7pm.

Now I am willing to do the travel - its the fact that my/our original plan was that I could do this by next sepetember at the latest. Now DH has said he wants to stay in his job until 2012 or so. I have waited (graduated in 2007 and was willing to wait until 2010 to continue) I also gave up my f/t rewarding and engaging career in 2006 to only work p/t around DS because we felt (and still do) that if it could be avoided 10-12 hr a day childcare wasn't the best option for DS.

Now I feel DH is changing what we had planned - its my turn to be the earner/ independant adult goddammit and his turn to wipe pooey bums and play with lego bricks. The reason we settled on a small rural location was because we were planning on taking it in turns to work while the other oen put DS and childcare first and fitted in their stuff around the edges. If I'd known he was going to change his mind I would have fought for a larger town so that even if DH stayed at work I could have managed to get a decent job because my travel and childcare wouldn't have been as difficult to manage.

Anyway, good to get some understanding from other people that it can be hard in this space.

I think your last post said it all. Time and finances are the usual barriers for most people with things we want to do.

So - you havnt got the money to move away just you and DS like you said in your OP (away from DH?)

Now DH has changed his mind and left you hoding the baby literally - DH is your answer, never mind looking at timetables and courses/distances get him to stump up his end of the deal.

You must talk to him or you will be seething over the coming months and just get more resentful.

I totally understand your feeling of being stuck _ I felt this and I m not in a rural location. I still have to spell it out for DH like last week I pointed out about my desire to do BSC nd why I have to wait.

For me I think well Ive followed him for his promotion, been patient whilst he was on a long business trip recently and I remind him about this as I will be my turn soon and he will have to support me which ever way.

Could DH not arrange to go 5 days over 4 and give you a day to do something?

Why did you move if you wanted to leave your husband? Bit comfused about that.

Why don't you ring the uni and ask about fees bursaries? Many of them do fees only bursaries and many would have full time bursaries - usually fees plus around £13,000 a year tax free. This would be for full time study but you would not have to be in full time. I know phd students at my uni rarely are (as long as its not lab based work). OU also do full bursaries for phds.

I started my phd just under 4 years ago and was childless - I have since gone on to have two children. I am extremely lucky in that I am funded but uni's are usually pretty flexible. In fact if you can get your fees paid and do it part time (up to 7 years) or are lucky enough to get funded then its one of the most flexible 'jobs' ever with children.

What would you like to study?

Yes it's annoying that DH is going back on what he agreed on.

Agree with the others that rather than and try and work round him you need to get him to "give" a bit - could he drop you into work? pick DS up of an evening? 4 day week is a good suggestion too or more work from home for him.

On the other hand if you are/were thinking of leaving your (D)H you will have to sort out YOURSELF alone.