To be upset with my insesnsitive pig of a husband?...............

[topsyturveymum]

I am so upset at my husband's behaviour....am I right to be or should I take it on the chin and get on with it?

if I can set the scene......I have had a history of back problems goiing back to my teens, so over 20 years now. Obviously, I have had this problem ever since I met my husband and up til now, it has occurred on and off, but has been fairly manageable. Just under a year ago, I started to get problems with my knees and have had some degree of pain in my knees virtually every day since....it is starting to really get me down.

They have been particularly bad since the beginning of the year and my husband's reaction when I get upset or a bit tearful is to roll his eyes and generally appear pretty uncaring. He has always been like this - his mum was a nurse and he was brought up in such a way that unless anyone was dying, not to make a fuss - as his mum had seen much worse, kind-of-attitude. So, unless you are at death's door, he really isn't that interested...but he also has the tendency to go all quiet on me which makes me really uncomfortable. It's almost like I'm some kind of inconvenience to him when I'm not 100% and the shutters come down - he says it's my imagination, but I'm not too sure.

We are going on hols next week - the first time for me in 5 yrs. Yesterday, I did something to my knee to twist it a bit and it's been really quite still and sore as a result. I was a bit quiet this morning as I'm thinking - great, going on hols next week and I'm buggerred with this bad knee - and he asked my what was wrong. I told him what I've done - and once again, big sigh, rolling the eyes and the silent treatment. I'm so dissappointed in him - I need a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, not cold shouldering. We had this out earlier in the year when he ridiculed me in front of his mum when I commented I was going to order a taxi to take me to my chiropractor (it wasn't long after my knees really took a turn for the worse and I was concerned about how I would be driving). I told him how upset I was and he agreed he was out of order and apologised. But ever since then, I have lost a bit of respect for him as his reaction to me having a bad episode with my knees is childish and unsupportive.

He says as I've sufferred in one way or another with back ache and now knee ache for so many years, he's become a bit blase to it and kind of switches off when I complain I'm in a bit of pain. I was in tears this morning and I didn't get a cuddle and no mention of it since. Am I right to be annoyed with him, or should I toughen up and just get on with it?

Sorry for the long post, but needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading it if you have got this far!!!

Whoops - para 4 should read ...'stiff and sore', not 'still and sore'!

People do have different approaches to chronic pain and indeed illness in general. Yes, he is probably being a bit insensitive but (from his perspective) it might seem that you do nothing but whine.
What's actually wrong with you, and are you getting proper medical attention and treatment? Chiropractors are good at dealing with psychosomatic ailments but there may be other things you can do to alleviate the pain. OK I do not know the full background and I do apologise if you have osteoarthritis or lupus or something, but is it possible that you have no actual diagnoses and so (from your H's perspective) are whining about a vague colletion of aches and pains and not doing anything about them, and have been for years?

YANBU - I'd be really upset too! His behaviour is very mean

I can see why you're upset, but as someone very like your DH (brought up in a very stiff upper lip household, my mother died of cancer so I saw "real" pain first hand etc) I do understand how years of conditioning as a child would make him react the way he does.

I'm guilty of it too - my DH seems to have any minor ailment going (I'm not implying your problems are minor - they sound awful), with a very low pain threshold, and I do my fair share of unsupportive eye-rolling and tutting. Which isn't kind or nice, and I'm trying to curb it, but it's definately the product of my upbringing.

Are you getting any medical help for your pain? Do you take medication?

Or do you just like to moan?

My DH is fairly similar and it really pisses me off. However he rarely complains himself - we do fall out over it but not alot you can do really except make sure you look after yourself. Maybe he can give you some time out by doing more shopping/cleaning for a bit.

I have sought lots of help over the years for my problems. Up until 18 months ago, I had monthly massages which kept my back ticking over fairly well (I did have bad episodes, but they were sporadic). Unfortunately, the lady I was seeing is now terminally ill , so has had to give up her practice. I think the lack of treatment for 10 months has led to the problems I now experience with my knees. So I have tried to help myself.

However, I have always have had to be careful what I do and how I do it - it's just the way it is for me and there's not a lot I can do about the hand I've been dealt. Although, I've been told that part of the reason I'm as stiff as borad all over is because I've never really exercised - but have always been too frightened to do so for fear of putting my back out. When you've put your back out just bending over to clean your teeth, the prospect of stretching and contorting yourself in strange ways is quite terrifying. I know I've probably been my own worse enemy up to a point, but I've found it quite hard to cope with .

I'm now doing the exercises my chiro has given me - but it's a long, slow process and all I'm asking for is a bit of support and understanding along the way - he's my husband, fgs! It's making me feel twice as bad - dealing with the discomfort and the emotional upset my dh is causing me. Sorry, I don't mean to sound sorry for myself, but I suppose I am.

You need to find someone else to do your massage for you if your regular lady is terminally ill.

Lots of people are good and qualified masseurs.

SOrry I think you are being a tad unreasonable. It must be a bit wearing to listen to non specific medical moans over the years. I can understand why he has become blase.
WHy dont you try swimming?

I think he is being exceedingly selfish and unkind, and I really feel for you.

If someone is in pain (the kind of pain that brings you to tears), the least they deserve is a tiny bit of sympathy or something comforting...eye rolling and ridiculing would be a breaking point for me I'm afraid. I'd say he either starts being nicer or you tell him to poke off. Seriously, I couldn't live with a man that was that unkind. Well, actually I did, and I left him, because he was always being a prick about stuff like this, but that's another story.

Sit him down and tell him his behaviour is vile and you would like it to change. His mother being one of those people who've 'seen so much worse' is such a rubbish excuse for behaving like a pig. I can't stand that attitude, it's so know-it-all and superior. How would he feel if it was him in chronic long term pain?

Oh andat posters suggesting you're a whinger! Jeez...sympathy and kindness don't cost you anything, ladies.

Swimming is a fantastic way to exercise more!!

I often go to aqua aerobics & they do exercises especially for people who may have back problems & hip replacements!!

What has your gp said about your back/knees ? have you been given nsaids for when you have a flare up ? My friend suffered with her back like you for many ,many years and on the advice of her osteopath had a mri and subsequently went on to have surgery to repair 2 prolapsed discs ,she is now pain free and has a tough physically demanding job ,as a tree surgeon . Pain is pain regardless of whether it is acute or chronic ,it still effects your every day life and needs to be addressed as soon as possible . Make a nusiance of yourself at your gps until this is sorted , you have obviousley tried to self manage it for a long time ,but there might be a possible cure for it out there . As for your dh well lets hope he gets a nice ingrowing toenail for you to accidently kick /stand on

I can understand that maybe it does become tiresome to listen to someone complaining that they have an ache or pain that's getting them down....but what am I supposed to do? If it's getting me down, it's getting me down! When I'm limping and crawling up the stairs and he asks me what's wrong, do i lie just so as I don't upset his day? I would want to know if dh was in pain - even if it were every day. I love him enough to give him support to the ends of the earth - is it wrong to expect that back from someone who is supposed to love you too? isn't that what being half of a duo is about? I'm not asking him to cure me, just to understnad how I'm feeling.

Am just wondering how i would feel if he displayed the same level of lack of feeling towards our dd. God forbid that she should ever need his support in the same way as I do, but I hope he'd show a bit more patience and understanding for her than he does for me.

I agree with posters who say you need to go and see your gp and be insistent. Sorry but it would irritate me to see dh crawling up the stairs, limping etc and not going to the gp.

Thanks for the suggestions on swimming - unfortunately, I can't swim . Have been pool walking on the recommendations of my chiro - hopefully that will help. My problems are purely mechanical - very stiff lower vertibrae are causing the problems plus an imbalance in my knee muscles. So no disc probs that can be sorted with surgery. It's purely a case of trying to loosen up a very siezed up skeleton which has become stiff from years of being careful and not exercising. Suddenly over the last year I've gone from being relatively OK to being as stiff as a board. But I am determined to sort myself out. Thanks for all your advice.

I also take on board those of you who are seeing dh's point of view-I can understand his upbringing has a bearing on his views-I guess, we are just 2 very different people. I am much more sympathetic - I was brought up completely the opposite. My mum would nurse me on her knee for hours if i so much as pricked my finger!!! So maybe, neither of us are to blame - we just see things very differently.

I love and adore my husband and no way would I leave- so much else is in our relationship is so right. But, this has made me realise, on this one, we are coming from different angles and i don't know how to meet him half way and neither does he know how to meet me half way. It's stalemate!!!

Have you seen a doctor? Sorry, it isn't clear from your posts. If it were my DH, I'd be making the appointment.

My gp is aware of the problems. I have had lots of consultations over the years and x rays. Please don't think I haven't sought medical help or tried to do something about it-I have. The thing I haven't done is exercised, which I now know is key to getting better. The chiro I have been seing is the first person in years to put a name to the condition and I feel that we will get there - I just need the support along the way.

Look, if you are crying with pain, then it is something you need to be seeing a doctor about, surely? You seem awfully resigned to it. I mean, lots of people don't exercise, and they don't end up in so much pain they are crying and crawling up the stairs.

Noe I'm being unsympathetic, and I am sorry .

Ah - x-posts. Sorry! And again.

I think if you are used to having been 'nursed for hours' over a pricked finger then it's not surprising you find your H a touch unsympathetic, but you are acutally being a little bit unreasonable if you expect him to spend all his time dandling you in his arms and going 'Poor sweet baby' indefinitely. And it still sounds to me as though your problems either need more real medical intervention or that they could at least be percieved as containing an element of attention-seeking (unspecified aches and pains that go on indefintely are incredibly wearing for the family of the sufferer).

Some people are being very unsympathetic to the op. My mum has problems with her knees due to osteoarthritis and lack of exercise really does make it far worse. Once she broke her ankle and wasn't able to walk about for a few month,s the effects made her practically housebound for over a year. It was awful for her as she's naturally very active. She has seen may doctors when she literally wasn't able to walk more than a few steps and has been fobbed off constantly for years. OP you have my sympathy. You need to be more assertive with the medical people you see about your level of pain.

Am I right in saying that Chiropractors are outside the NHS? If not then ignore the rest of my post!

If they are outside then I think you have to be very careful in who you see. Someone who isn't 'medically' trained has given you a diagnosis and it's really what you've been looking for so you're more likely to see the good in it. I am assuming you pay weekly for the Chiro's treatment? How many sessions do they say you need? What is the prognosis?

What are you doing to help yourself? I was going to suggest walking/running in the swimming pool as I have lower back issues and are currently pregnant and in agony and my physio (referred to the hospital) recommended this.

If you can't swim then you need to do what's been recommended. Exercise is something you need to get your head around and do and not just make excuses. Your back may benifit from strengthening exercises as due to your immoblitlaty may be weaker than most which may exaserbate your condition? I find the thermacare heat patches a god send and they are one of the only things that really do help me -have you tried these?

I sound harsh you do sound like you're in pain but not doing much about it. Manipulation is one thing but unless your back has its own inner strentgth I would assume you click back pretty soon? I did and I'd only had 3-4 sessions, they were great for a few days and then they clicked back.

When not pregnant I run 3 x's a week and personal train for an hour. I find this cheaper than the chirporator and he gives me specific exercises I can do to help/not bugger up my back anymore than it is plus as he's with me he can make sure I'm doing the exercises correctly and avoiding further damage.

Look, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here but the more of your posts I read the more it seems as though your aches are more psychosomatic than anythig else - that you learned when you were little that you were frail and delicate and should be pampered when you have a pain. I also get the impression that you have had medical tests which have found that there's nothing actually wrong with you - and that taking regular exercise will help, but that's not dramatic enough, hence the wails of anguish over a bumped knee a week before you go on holiday. I am not surprised your H is getting a bit exasperated with the constant 'Poor ickle me, I'm such a martyr to my health...'