To be upset with my insesnsitive pig of a husband?...............

[topsyturveymum]

I am so upset at my husband's behaviour....am I right to be or should I take it on the chin and get on with it?

if I can set the scene......I have had a history of back problems goiing back to my teens, so over 20 years now. Obviously, I have had this problem ever since I met my husband and up til now, it has occurred on and off, but has been fairly manageable. Just under a year ago, I started to get problems with my knees and have had some degree of pain in my knees virtually every day since....it is starting to really get me down.

They have been particularly bad since the beginning of the year and my husband's reaction when I get upset or a bit tearful is to roll his eyes and generally appear pretty uncaring. He has always been like this - his mum was a nurse and he was brought up in such a way that unless anyone was dying, not to make a fuss - as his mum had seen much worse, kind-of-attitude. So, unless you are at death's door, he really isn't that interested...but he also has the tendency to go all quiet on me which makes me really uncomfortable. It's almost like I'm some kind of inconvenience to him when I'm not 100% and the shutters come down - he says it's my imagination, but I'm not too sure.

We are going on hols next week - the first time for me in 5 yrs. Yesterday, I did something to my knee to twist it a bit and it's been really quite still and sore as a result. I was a bit quiet this morning as I'm thinking - great, going on hols next week and I'm buggerred with this bad knee - and he asked my what was wrong. I told him what I've done - and once again, big sigh, rolling the eyes and the silent treatment. I'm so dissappointed in him - I need a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, not cold shouldering. We had this out earlier in the year when he ridiculed me in front of his mum when I commented I was going to order a taxi to take me to my chiropractor (it wasn't long after my knees really took a turn for the worse and I was concerned about how I would be driving). I told him how upset I was and he agreed he was out of order and apologised. But ever since then, I have lost a bit of respect for him as his reaction to me having a bad episode with my knees is childish and unsupportive.

He says as I've sufferred in one way or another with back ache and now knee ache for so many years, he's become a bit blase to it and kind of switches off when I complain I'm in a bit of pain. I was in tears this morning and I didn't get a cuddle and no mention of it since. Am I right to be annoyed with him, or should I toughen up and just get on with it?

Sorry for the long post, but needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading it if you have got this far!!!

It's clear that if you have had a battery of tests etc then there is no underlying medical diagnosis to explain your pain.
You have more or less admitted that lack of excerise has exacerbated your pain. I would imagine that your husband is tired of listening to complaints of pain when he too must be aware that you have contributed to this situation.
I am an orthopaedic nurse practitioner and have seen many patients in a very similar situ to yourself. Would you mind if i ask if you are overweight? It's just that this will make the situ even worse.
I do think your dh could maybe bit a bit more sympathetic, but maybe he's heard it all before and is tired of it.
I would scrap the chiropractor for a start and get a physiotherapist.... long term.

chances are your chiropractor is making things worse.

If you can't swim - learn.

If you're in constant pain - ask your GP for a referral to a specialist pain management nurse.

If you're feeling down at the lack of support from your husband, think about seeing a counsellor. It might be that offloading to someone objective could help.

I do sympathise - back and joint pain is awful; your DH may be more sympathetic if he sees you helping yourself a little more.

Hope things improve soon and you enjoy your holiday

Sadly, some people just cannot 'get' what it's like to live with in pain. I have arthritis and sometimes cannot do as much as I want which makes me feel a bit glum. My dh isn't voluntarily sympathetic as a rule however recently he broke his arm and needed help with simple things like bathing and getting dressed.

He was humbled, I think, by being treated kindly, attentively and with care for weeks by everyone in the family. He has been much more thoughtful since.

you need to go and see a doctor and get a referral. I had back problems for years following an accident and it went undiagnosed for years until eventually I pushed and pushed for referals and was diganosed as having prolapsed discs and had to undergo major spinal surgery. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get and what doesn't help is that back pain is something that can't be seen.

Ref the rolling of eyes, I bloody hate that, its like red rag to a bull.

My not so DH did that to me last night when I was crying in bed and woke him up. he asked what was wrong and I reminded him (surely unnecessarily?) that my wonderful mother had just died and I'd only found out that morning, was 3,000 away and bloody devesatated and felt helpless etc) He then rolled his eyes and said he thought something else had happened since
Hope you sort your back pain out

I don't mean to be awkward but everyone keeps suggesting she gets a referal when she has stated that she has had back pain for 20 yrs and has had investigations.

Many back pain sufferers seem unable to accept that there simply is no magical diagnosis and cure for all cases.

The op seems to have accepted rightly that the answer to pain management lies with herself, in particular exercise. A physio who can teach her appropriate exercises which must be maintained long term is the best course of action.

Sometimes a surgeons knife and a bucketload of meds are actually not the answer and a bit of self acceptance and hard work are.

Good on the op for recognising this and with a hands on approach i'm sure dh will become more supportive.

I can see this from the other pov, due to having a dh that whines about every little ache and pain

I do the eye rolly thing, sometimes to his face, because it wears me out. There's not a day goes by when there's nothing wrong with him, and it drives me mad.

Sorry to sound unsympathetic, just trying to make you see how boring it is from the other side of things.

Some posters seem to have a rather rosetinted view of doctors' ability of a) diagnosing every genuine physical problem at a first gland b) curing every genuine physical problem. And if it's not been diagnosed/the doctor hasn't cured it, then it has to be psychosomatic. Not necessarily the case.

The Hypermobility Association did a survey of how long it had taken their members to get a diagnosis, from the time their pain first started. (This btw is a genuine bona fide physical condition that can be diagnosed through a set of easy to check criteria available online and that is described at length in the medical literature).

More than half the members had had to wait more than 10 years for a diagnosis
They weren't all psychosomatic for those 10 years- and then magically became "genuine" the moment the doctor thought of another thing to test for.

My own dd was diagnosed 7 years after we first suspected something was wrong. And well after the doctor had told her it was all in her head. She had had a "battery of tests", only unfortunately they weren't the right ones.

Also, with many conditions it is difficult to know how much exercise is right. Dd's doctors went the other way to the OPs and gave her far too much to do- this has also resulted in joint damage and worsened symptoms. She has now found a suitable level of pacing and was doing much better, until she unfortunately overdid it on holiday.

It does sound like the OP needs to stick to her exercises and it would probably also be a good idea to get some counselling.

We found CBT was very good, because they accepted that the pain was there and set about teaching dd how to handle it mentally. Dealing with the situation you're in, rather than saying you shouldn't be there.

I think YABU. I have sciatica which sometimes is a complete 'swear word swear word' to deal with and the pain can be incredible. However, I don't go on about it or act all fragile and I don't mean to be harsh in saying that. I also take the proper exercise, sit up properly (posture, posture) and only moan about it when it is really, and I mean really bad.

TBH wouldn't feel comfy drawing attention to my ailments so maybe concentrate on sorting your own self out and trying to cope with it better is the answer instead of expecting someone else to have the responsibility of making you feel better.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes a little bit of sympathy is nice and warranted but mostly I find it generally overbearing and needy and would rather just be getting on with it. I think you'd get more respect if you are seen to be at least trying to cope and soldier on despite the pain.

Perfectly articulated Holy... very sensible.