to feel terrible as my daughter fell in the pool on holiday - no harm done

[pamelat]

Bit of context. DD 16 months. Just back from a weeks holiday with her, my DH and my own parents (both in their early 50's).

Lovely time, except for her sleep. Its often disturbed if she is away from home, so all fine but was operating a little on auto pilot some days.This is no excuse but am trying to explain things to myself.

One day we went to visit some friends at their pool and they have children aged 4 and 5.

I was guilty this holiday of sitting back and letting DH and especially my own parents take charge. I was definately on relax mode (having done the night shifts) BUT I am her mum and I am the one responsible for her.

I looked up and saw that DD was in the far end of the shallow pool with the 5 year old. She was meant to be with my dad. My dad was the other end of the shallow pool with the 4 year old, pushing him around on his lilo thing. The pool was empty except for my dad and the 3 kids.

I asked (but did not act) "why is DD by herself?" I was lucky to look up really.

My dad started to say "she is fine, she is with X" (the 5 year old of my friend) when DD toppled head over in the pool.

I shouted "get her" and no one reacted for a second or two. Now I am guilty again here, why the hell did I not jump up and grab her? I am so so disappointed in myself. Obviously I would have ran to her but my first instint was just to flippen shout . I felt like my heart had just stopped and I could not breathe.

I swear that she was face down in the water for 6 or 7 seconds and I watched her. I watched her wriggle her little hands and feet and I sat and just shouted for someone to get her I dont understand why I didnt get up.

My dad did not react (despite being the closest to her) but my DH jumped up from beside me and grabbed her out. She was fine, a little anxious but no tears and only then did I run to her (I think I was too scared or shocked before?) She reached for me and we had a cuddle and all was well, except for the fact that I keep seeing her face down in the pool and feeling scared and also neglectful.

So ........... be gentle, but why did I 1) ask my dad why she was alone instead of just going to her myself, 2) why did my dad think that it was ok (he has not apologised, nor have we broached the subject as I know it would upset him and no harm done fortunately etc etc) and 3) why the hell did I just shout instead of react?

Also I feel that I dont want to tell people in real life as feel it reflects on me and also its just too scarey to contemplate the if onlys.

Thankfully your DD is ok I think you are being terribly hard on yourself. Firstly, both you and your DH have equal responsibility for your DD.

I think you shouted rather than ran to her as that was your first instinct. As you said, your father was the closest to adult to her, so you thought he would get there more quickly than you. Your father unfortunately thought that a 5 year old could be responsible for a smaller child. Unfortunately that isn't the case - recently on holiday my DD had a nasty fall. I knew it was going to happen - she was being held by a very sweet 6 year old girl. I didn't do anything to stop it, even though I could see it about to happen.

Your father probably feels awful about it and doubtless he is beating himself up as badly as you are beating yourself up. All's well and I am sure you will never allow your DD to be in that position again.

shock and fear.thats all,its not anything to punish yourself over(although we all know you will as we would!).when something horrible happens to your child you do tend to end up rooted to the spot unable to do the simplest things-i know ive not reacted as i feel i should in times of panic simply because i was unable to out of complete shock.

im glad shes ok.

Firstly, your DH is equally responsible for his child.

The shock of what you saw happen made you panic. Shouting was the quickest way to get a reaction from those closer to your DD.

You and your DH are equally responsible for your DD

you had a huge adrenaline rush and went into what is called fight or flight.

You went into flight (a very introverted one in which you are unable to move) very very common

brain shuts down as it panics

I bet you a million quid if you were on your own you wouldnt have sat there you would have run...

it's really normal behaviour in panic moments.

When my ds1 fell into the pool at my feet I screamed and failed to do anything whilst DH jumped in

I have found nearly all of our close calls ahve been when there have been lots of adults around as no one is in control and everyone expects someone else to be looking after the kids

last year on hols we finally agreed to have someone on 'duty' at all times (on holiday with 6 toddlers)

ps glad she's ok

" 2) why did my dad think that it was ok (he has not apologised, nor have we broached the subject as I know it would upset him and no harm done fortunately etc etc)"

Do you feel your dad needs to apologise for something?
It sounds like he was doing more than anyone, I don't see why he needs to apologise.......unless he'd said he was taking responsibility for the 3 children and that was clear all round.

I can just imagine how you must feel. I think the reason for it is what you said in the beginning - you relaxed knowing that for once, I am guessing here based on my own experience, instead of being the only one in charge you could share the responsibility of your dd wellbeing with 3 more adults who love her as much as you do.

I am guitly of that too that's why I am suggesting it.

Sometimes you just want to switch off. fact is you do not: yes you did not react immediately but you did instinctively checked by looking up, screamed (to get the others attention) and if you had been on your own I bet you'd have been there in a shot. fact is no one else noticed. How many times, unless it's just my dh, your dh has been in the same room as the children and so oblivious to them that they could have walked on the ceiling without reaction. I think sometimes we wish we could do just that. I certainly do. I am with the kids all the time. I cannot take my mind off and when you do 99% of the time something happens: eat the cat food, fall from the step, hands in the drawew etc. very tiring. sometimes I long to be on my own but sometimes I'd like to be with my children just to play and enjoy them without having to be responsible for them if it makes sense.

I imagine you will play that imagine in your head for a long while and feel sick in your stomach with the what ifs. Cannot stop that. but trust me you are not guilty.

I think time stands still in situations like this. Everything seems to happen in slow motion. Thank God your DD is safe, but quite frankly when I see a swimming pool I also see a death trap. Only recently have I been able to relax (sort of)with my DC.
Private pools are the worse IMO, i.e. there is no life guard and on holiday your guard drops just at the time you need to be most alert.
Running everything past in your mind must distort the time span.
My DD nearly drowned in a plastic pool in our garden. Her feet were trapped by a small lifering and her head was underneath the water. I ran so fast I twisted my ankle in my rush to get to her. The sick feeling I experienced has never left me. Do not ever take your eye off your child until they are strong swimmers.

numal you are very right and I will try to remember that. the fact is, like you say, that being on holiday you instintively relax your guard and because you are usually with your dh you think he must be checking etc. I found the times when I was at my most careless was when dh was with me and we both assumed the other was in charge.
next holiday we'll make sure we agree before hand, especially now we've got 2.

Thanks everyone. I still feel quite sick about it and it was 4 days ago now. I can't get the image out of my head and have even thrown away the swimsuit that she was wearing (as if that will help ).

I dont blame my dad but I was a bit miffed because he had DD and therefore responsibility for her (he is normally excellent, if anything he is usually over protective) but instead he played with the other 2 kids (whose parents were fine and around but they did not need supervision in the water). I think he just wrongly assumed tha a 5 year old can be responsible for a 16 month old.

I would apologise if I was responsible for someones toddler but instead played with an older child, turned my back, and she was face down in the water. Its not his fault, if anything, its our fault (all of the adults, but more so me) for letting there be a ratio of 1 adult to 3 children in a pool.

The poor 5 year old (girl) just stood there, right beside DD, as she was head down in the water. But you can't expect anything more, she did not even shout for us. Although (bless her) she may have done if I had not seen it happen.

I think there is a definite mum instinct, I have glanced up before just as something bad is about to happen to DD. I once quickly covered her head at a garden party as DH was lifting her in to the air as someone was opening a bottle of fizz and the cork hit my hand covering her head. Obviously the pool thing is just a lot worse in scale but yes, I was trying to switch off but its impossible really (unless she is in bed) .

I don't want to blame anyone, not even myself, but am just trying to explain things to myself as to how this could have happened.

Its given me (and DH) a real real scare.

Thanks to those who say that it was normal to sit still and shout, that helps as have been beating myself up about that. I would have ran (hopefully) if alone.

Also whats strange is that every other adult, other than me and DH, actually lauged it off and none of them seemed to think that it was serious. Saying things like "tougher than they look" ... ????

I guess they were just trying to make us feel better, being tough does not help a toddler in drowing.

I used to momentarily freeze like that when ds was small if he hurt himself.
The other people have not had the same reaction as you, so they have not felt that momentary shock and horror because they are not her mother. It was an accident so no-one was to blame, but I would probably dwell on it as well.

look, I'm sorry but I'm going to be harsh

it's the "everybody thinks someone else is watching" syndrome

who was it said that if you had been alone it would have been different

firstly, you would have been watching like a hawk
secondly, you would have moved like lightning

children and water = never, ever make assumptions that someone else is watching, never, never never

even husbands can think a game of hide and seek in the pool is ok

I'm sure you know this now
I'm glad she's ok

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it - as you say no harm was done.

Accidents will always happen and they are a part of life and it is a way of learning what is safe and what isn't.

However, maybe you should invest in swimming lessons so that you can be reassured they will always be safe around water.

I would imagine that everyone else, in laughing it off, was only trying to lessen the shock and fear you were feeling.

Really, there was nothing 'wrong' with the way you reacted.

you know what, you shouldn't even regret this happened

you are so lucky to have had this wake up call and for everything to be alright

she fell in the pool, was fished out, not that big a deal really

but now it's happened with lots of people around with a safe ending, you will be uber conscious and it will never happen when there's less possibility of a happy ending

xx

That's the trouble when you have many adults and one child.Everybody thinks somebody else will be watching.
I don't think your Dad should have been expected to entertain and supervise 3 children of 5 and under on his own.
I think in a scary situation being 'paralysed be fear 'is quite common' -its not something you can help.
EVERYBODY has a near miss at some point -No harm was done and you won't make that mistake again

Thanks all. I asked DH to not tell anyone in real life but he told his mum today (I dont mind, just embarassed by it really), he left out the bit about my dad being in the pool as know he didn't want any politics involved in law wise). MIL was good about it and said no ones fault but she did look worried.

I am going to invest in swimming lessons. Although like you say stuffitllama, its been a wake up call and will be ultra careful in future.

On holiday with DS1 aged 3 DH looked up to find him floating face down in the pool. It can only have been for seconds (and we think he must have been drinking water rather than breathing it because he weed for Britain in bed that night ) but it was enough to shake us both to the core. It was the most terrifying thing and to this day DH can't look at pictures of that holiday and still has dreams about it. (I wasn't there so thankfully don't have those images in my head.)

I guess I'm saying that it is very natural to still feel bad about it because it is such an awful shock. We are now completely paranoid about swimming pools and feel hugely grateful that all of us suffered nothing worse than a fright.

Thanks again to everyone and for sharing your awful experiences too. I am not buying a paddling pool anymore, will stick to a sandpit.

DD has not been put off at all. In fact she seemed to enjoy the attention, monkey.

i think you're being awfully hard on yourself. does your DH see dd as being your responsibility as well? what about him? you are not guilty on holiday of sitting back and letting him be responsible...he actually IS responsible..ESPECIALLY if you have been doing the night shift..and not him.

DH is brilliant. He finds it all a lot easier than me. He doesnt blame me, (he blames my dad but has promised not to say anything), I just blame myself.

I am not even sure if blame is the right word, I just feel sick about it all.

Am having a glass of gin and tonic to relax me about it!

Try not to be so hard on yourself! Fortunately she is fine and you will both be extra vigilant in future. We had a dreadful incident like this a couple of years ago with my daughter who was around 4 at the time. She was unable to swim without arm bands and jumped into the pool after daddy (who didn't realise and had just swam around the corner). She went down the steps and her head was suddenly under the water. I was occupied with DS and thought she was with DH. Fortunately, DH asked me where she was and I saw her kicking under the water and just ran!! People react indifferent ways when adrenaline kicks in. I'm sure if you dad hadn't been near her, you would have run!

'Also whats strange is that every other adult, other than me and DH, actually lauged it off and none of them seemed to think that it was serious. Saying things like "tougher than they look" ... ????'

I think they were trying to make you feel better...because in a way they were right. Okay, this could have ended in disaster but it didn't. When most of us look back at our DCs' childhoods, we will have a little catalogue of 'what if's...luckily the majority of the time that's all they are.

And, as in this case, each 'what if' can, when appropriate, make us a little bit more aware so that the same thing doesn't happen again.

I certainly have a short list of 'OMG what if's that chill me if I think about them! Life is full, for our whole lives, of dodging disasters!

Don't beat yourself up