to feel terrible as my daughter fell in the pool on holiday - no harm done

[pamelat]

Bit of context. DD 16 months. Just back from a weeks holiday with her, my DH and my own parents (both in their early 50's).

Lovely time, except for her sleep. Its often disturbed if she is away from home, so all fine but was operating a little on auto pilot some days.This is no excuse but am trying to explain things to myself.

One day we went to visit some friends at their pool and they have children aged 4 and 5.

I was guilty this holiday of sitting back and letting DH and especially my own parents take charge. I was definately on relax mode (having done the night shifts) BUT I am her mum and I am the one responsible for her.

I looked up and saw that DD was in the far end of the shallow pool with the 5 year old. She was meant to be with my dad. My dad was the other end of the shallow pool with the 4 year old, pushing him around on his lilo thing. The pool was empty except for my dad and the 3 kids.

I asked (but did not act) "why is DD by herself?" I was lucky to look up really.

My dad started to say "she is fine, she is with X" (the 5 year old of my friend) when DD toppled head over in the pool.

I shouted "get her" and no one reacted for a second or two. Now I am guilty again here, why the hell did I not jump up and grab her? I am so so disappointed in myself. Obviously I would have ran to her but my first instint was just to flippen shout . I felt like my heart had just stopped and I could not breathe.

I swear that she was face down in the water for 6 or 7 seconds and I watched her. I watched her wriggle her little hands and feet and I sat and just shouted for someone to get her I dont understand why I didnt get up.

My dad did not react (despite being the closest to her) but my DH jumped up from beside me and grabbed her out. She was fine, a little anxious but no tears and only then did I run to her (I think I was too scared or shocked before?) She reached for me and we had a cuddle and all was well, except for the fact that I keep seeing her face down in the pool and feeling scared and also neglectful.

So ........... be gentle, but why did I 1) ask my dad why she was alone instead of just going to her myself, 2) why did my dad think that it was ok (he has not apologised, nor have we broached the subject as I know it would upset him and no harm done fortunately etc etc) and 3) why the hell did I just shout instead of react?

Also I feel that I dont want to tell people in real life as feel it reflects on me and also its just too scarey to contemplate the if onlys.

I can't answer your questions but I just wanted to add that I could almost have written your post. DD2 (19 months) fell into the deep end of the big pool on holiday. She had her arm bands on and was pootling around the side. Unfortunately one of her arm bands came off as she fell in.

I was also in relax mode and DH was 'in charge'. A lady spotted her flailing in the water before we did and shouted that someone's baby was in the water.

I did EXACTLY what you did. Shouted 'get her'. DH was a fraction closer than me and pulled her out by the arm. Few tears and cuddles, boob and she was fine. Back in the water with DH in minutes.

I think I shouted rather than ran because I knew I wasn't closest, and the shock. Perhaps your dad thought it was ok because he thought you thought it was ok (does that make sense!?).

I really thought it was all fine. But for the next 2 nights I couldn't sleep thinking about what might have happened if both her arm bands had come off. And I can still work myself up about it if I think about it too much.

YANBU to feel terrible. I have found it cathartic to tell everyone who will listen about it - as a warning if nothing else.

I am a fate kind of girl and I am chalking it down to experience and firmly believe it will NEVER happen again. This time was a warning and there won't be a next time.

Hope you can put it behind you.

you were in shock - that phrase 'rabbit in the headlights' springs to mind.

enjoy that G&T

Take a deep breath it was all fine, agree with others about everyone is watching syndrome you and DH are the parents, grandparents are (generally) out of practise. Just to relate my own tale of woe. We live overseas and put a temporary 3 meter wide x 1 meter deep pool up in our back garden over the summer. Godsend on the hot days and carefully monitored at all times. DS is on pain of death/beating etc if he goes near it alone.

He is in the pool (bearing in mind it's tiny in comparison to a villa pool) with his grandparents. DH and I were getting ready to go to a formal function. I merrily trot out to the garden to show my parents how I look in my frock. As I am talking to them, mum gets out and dad is listening to our convo. DS tries to get to me and slips. My dad yelled "he's under, he's under", my mum was just rooted to the spot dad couldn't get there quick enough (also frozen) in which time I had jumped in to the pool in my brand new ball dress and yanked him up. I am good in these situations...always have been. I don't know why?

Some people cannot react quick enough. They want to but they can't. All's well that ends well. But don't rely on anyone but yourself in the future. Trust your instinct. If you think you should stay in the pool until your hands are like prunes then do it.

So glad he's fine, don't beat yourself up, it's a lesson learned. FWIW, I am currently booking a holiday and am only looking at villas that have fences around the pool. Not because of DS, but because my DD (13 months) is totally fearless and most likely to venture into any danger!!

My dd fell in the pool on holiday when she was 18 months. She was playing fairly near the edge and we were all (me, dh and family friend) watching her. She lost her footing and went straight in. I screamed, dh jumped straight in and I hoiked her out by the hood of the dress she was wearing. She can only have been in the water for a maximum of 10 seconds, but it still makes me go cold to think about it. I can still picture her there in the water - she went right under and was kind of hanging there, upright, with her arms stretched out in front of her. It was the worst moment of my life, and I still replay it now. She is 5 now. It is so easily done, but I will never relax around water again.

Welcome to the world of "lucky escapes". My DS is constantly on the lookout for ways to off himself. Didn't someone on here say that parenting is kind of like 24 suicide watch?

No-one is actually to blame (and at the same time all of you are), it just happened.

You know now, if the same thing happened again you might be justified in feeling guilty, but not this time.

Just let it go and brace for the next one.

Was on hols years ago when dd1 was just 3 an dd2 was 6months,at the lunch restaurant there were several pools some of the set into the ground deep but like fountains as they were small.DD1 fell in as i was parking the buggy by a table,i couldnt move or breathe,dh went charging towards the pool as did the nanny who was carrying the highchair over.I was almost at the point of collapse as all i could do was point but luckily a fab french lady leapt straight in behind her,she was so quick only half of dd got wet.I was so grateful but i just started sobbing as when she gave her to me i still couldnt speak to thank her.Dont feel bad about your reaction at least you made a noise,and you will never be relaxed around water with your kids again,me an dh do a rota now,i read for an hour an he does lifeguard duty then we swap.
Im glad you are all ok though x

Not a water story but a recent "near miss". Took DD 26 mo to the zoo. We go most weeks (annual pass) just me and her. Last visit 2 weeks ago DH came too. We were looking at the tigers and I said to DH to watch DD while I took a photo. Little girl comes across to take a photo and looks up to say "your baby". DD was on the very edge of a sheer drop (8-10 foot).

Like you my heart stopped and I shouted to her to stop and to DH to get her. Then I laid into him for not watching her.. "but I was looking at the tigers". Had we been alone as usual I'd have had hold of her or she'd have been in the pushchair.

I have replayed the scenario over and over in my mind, and of course she always goes over the edge

I have had a 'terrible mother' moment too, as I expect we all have. When we first moved in to our house, I was playing in the garden with DS who was 2.5 at the time. We didn't know the neighbours as this was still the first week. Next door had a huge male German Shepard, and when I say huge I mean the biggest one I have ever seen. It was curious about what we were doing so it jumped up to look over the wall. It then started to scramble over the wall barking and growling so I ran inside, leaving a terrified little boy in the garden. How awful of me! Obviously I ran back out to get him but my first instinct was to save myself. That gave me nightmares for a long time.

pamelet, lovie, The other week we were all out. Our 3 year old lent over a wall and I froze to the spot shouting to DH to get him, please!

It is just shock.

You have to focus on that she is absolutely fine and I am sure won't be allowed to go near water alone again.

Just to add. Swimming lessons are the best idea. I am terrified of water after a couple of incidents, and while I can swim, I don't like going under water and wish I was more confident in the water.

My kids love going swimming, none can swim yet and I spend the whole time panicking and when they have gone under I have moved so quickly. On dry land I freeze.

I am another who has had a near miss with my child. This was related to the injection I am trained to give her but for some reason didn't, I went to hospital but there was a very badly trained doctor who wouldnt let her have it. She could very easily have died and I got a talking to the next day from her paediatrician, who said you could have been saving her life you must do it etc etc. I was so upset with myself that it is only recently that I have thought, actually what I did was understandable, the doctor was very wrong and that I have learned from it. It has taken me a while though, I didn't post on here or DDs support group because I honestly though everyone would tell me how irresponsible I had been. That seems unbelievable now so I think in time you will feel less guilty and just think oh that awful time. Hope that makes sense.

Oh also my mum was talking today about the time my brother fell in the canal, she was right next to him. She said a man pulled him out almost before she had realised.

Your Dad was between a rock and a hard place - leave the child on the lilo to get to your dd or stay by the lilo and watch your dd. If he'd done the former, you could have been looking at two children falling in, not just one. Agree with stuffitllama re the "everyone thinks somebody else is watching" syndrome. But please don't beat yourself up - these things happen so that we can tighten up for next time

Agree about the calm feeling, I go completely calm when DD is very ill. It is afterwards that I panic. When I tell people afterwards she was not fully conscious (condition she has) they say oh you must have been so scared but truthfully most times I haven't been at all, not until afterwards. So reacting after the event is normal I agree. And agree that had it just been you you would have reacted.

stuffittlllama, you have hit the nail on the head, you are no right.

sorry stuffittlllama, I meant SO right.

Once when we were on holiday, Ds1 (who was 8 at the time and not a great swimmer) went into the centre of the pool which we didn't realise went very deep in the middle, he lost his footing and went under,up and under again. I freaked and shouted and then jumped in, as the lifeguard was 'busy' chatting up the barstaff DH froze and didn't know what to do. Ds1 was under the water for about 10 seconds but it scared the life out of us and the kids were banned from the big pool for the rest of the holiday

It's a shock when something scary happens around water, but you don't need to be so hard on yourself or your dad.

Your daughter slipped over in the water but she was surrounded by adults who could, and did, help her. Pools can be dangerous places for children, and drowning is a serious risk, but this was a toddler slipping over not a drowning incident.

When dd was 3 we were staying in a resort with a number of unfenced pools. She slipped away from us at a busy moment and was found floating face down in a quiet corner. She is, thank everything possible, now absolutely fine but those moments when she was lying there, blue and not breathing and the resuscitation didn't seem to be working, were the worst of my life.

I'm not telling you this to be competitive but to help put it into context. It's frightening, at the time and afterwards, because it makes you realise that the worst can happen, and it can happen so quickly. But, your dd's experience was nothing more than a fright and nobody should be assigning blame to anyone.

From all the posts I think shouting in panic rather than acting must be a very common reaction. I did exactly this myself last summer.

We had parked beside a lake and as DH was straightening the car DD (12) went down the steps to the waters edge. The steps must have been slippy at the bottom because the next thing I knew she was in the lake up to her neck floundering about trying to get out.

And what did I do? I shouted "XXX, get out, get out!" As if that's not what she was trying her hardest to do anyway!

Fortunately she managed to grab the steps and pull herself out just as a man sitting nearby saw her plight and started to go over to help.

I sat on a poolside and watched dd(2ish) in the pool from a distance and she was with dh. He turned away to our other dc and she suddenly went 'plop' into the deep pool and sank. She made no splash and no-one saw but me.

I was completely papralysed with shock. It seemed like ages (probably wasn't) before I got myself moving then I skimmed the surfaced of the pool. By then another man had sussed out what was happening and fished her out.

She was ok but cried a bit.

You have to think 'phew' and move on really. Also armbands and swimming lessons do help for next time.

We all have 20/20 vision with hindsight. There'll probably be more of this to come in other circumstances .

Growing up is a risky business, but it's how we as parents learn to be better prepared and they (dc) learn too. You can beat yourself up forever more, but the thing that counts is that your child is ok and you have picked up a few pointers the next time you're at the pool.

Chessiers, your experience sounds awful. Glad everything was ok for you too, in the end.

I think (for me) its easy to think that children are older than they actually are too, once they are not little babies. Not saying this applied to anyone else, just me, perhaps.