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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider not having my children at the wedding?

58 replies

motherpi · 23/05/2009 20:28

After eleven years together, the Boyf and I have finally decided to get married this autumn. We both want a teeny-tiny affair with immediate family only - ten people max. It will probably be a civil ceremony followed by a decent lunch and then everyone home.

The question is - do I take my one-year old and three-year-old? They will be bored, and I'm not sure I want to spend my wedding day hissing "sit STILL".

So far, the only two people I have asked have had firm (but sadly opposing) views. Am I going to seriously regret it? Or am I just being sensible?

OP posts:
LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 23/05/2009 20:30

Erm if it was other peoples children I would say it was up to you but are you sure you are not going to regret not having YOUR children there?

skramble · 23/05/2009 20:31

Your wedding should be what you want it to be, wouldn't be my choice, but each to their own. It really has to be what you want it to be, but is there a chance you would regret not having them there.

Could someone like sister or mum be in charge of them and deal with them at the meal etc, leaving you freeish to enoy everything?

justaboutspringtime · 23/05/2009 20:32

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navyeyelasH · 23/05/2009 20:32

can you get a nanny or creche sort of person to tag along? I do this sort of work all the time and the parents always say it makes there day magical. Would you not want your little ones in your wedding photos etc?

It's your wedding and your call at the end of the day though - do whatever makes you happiest. It's the only day in your life really that is 100% all about you!

MissisBoot · 23/05/2009 20:33

Its your wedding day - it doesn't matter if they don't sit still!

They won't be bored - they'll love being with your family and part of teh day - we had our dd with us on our wedding day and tbh we hardly saw her as she was having so much fun with everyone else!

You could hire a private room in a restaurant or get caterers in and have a nice meal at your home or someone elses if its bigger then you wouldn't have to worry about them being well behaved all the time.

Congrats by the way!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 23/05/2009 20:33

I think Skramble may have the answer: get someone else to do the actual kid-wrangling on the day. Because FWIW your DC may, as they get older, be upset to find out that they were excluded from Mummy and Daddy's wedding...

DandyLioness · 23/05/2009 20:35

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hongkongzoe · 23/05/2009 20:45

I'm getting married to DP in August, its also a small scale wedding, and we have a 6month old ds and 2 year old dd and I had the same worries as you. I am worried I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the day as I will be chasing after the dcs. We've found someone (friend of a friend who is a nanny)who will look after them for the day at the wedding, but take them home as and when appropriate. It's costing £60 for a day, which IMO is money well spent! They can be there and share in the day and not be my responsibilty . Personally, I really want them to be there, I'd regret if they weren't.

CarGirl · 23/05/2009 20:50

I agree pay someone to look after them for the day etc so they can be there and you can enjoy yourself. It's a shame you haven't had any family come forward and offer to be respnosible for them for the day.

jrsqueak · 23/05/2009 20:55

I got married 8 weeks ago and have 4 children. Dreaded it in case I had to keep telling off etc but tbh they were great - other people looked after them (not organised just kind of fell into place) - my mum had 6 month old most of the day and the others just ran round playing. It was my wedding and I said from the start they could do what they wanted and I loved it and would have regretted not having them there. At 10pm dh took 3 oldest home, settled them and came back while my db stayed with them till 1am (That was the most fun bit though - knowing I could be me for a few hours and not a mum iyswim)

Noonki · 23/05/2009 21:08

I went to a fantastic wedding where they ended up with both kids on their laps through out the ceremony and tbh it seemed perfect.

When we got married DSS was one of our best men (aged 8) he loved being so involved and some of my best memories involve him as imo the children of our family make our family and therefore our marriage.

But I would get someone to look after them for later on so you get the evening together whatever you choose to do.

lilackaty · 23/05/2009 21:11

It is your wedding so it's up to you. I had my 7 week old dd at my wedding and she was looked after by everyone else for most of the day. Could you ask someone to have them during the ceremony (in a different room) and then they be there for the rest? Hongkongzoe's solution sounds absolutely perfect.

holdingittogether · 23/05/2009 21:20

We got married when ds1 was 2. I delegated charge of him to my mum for the day. It worked perfectly. He sat with her for the meal and during the ceremony and generally took care of him so I didn't have to worry. She and my step dad took him home to bed at 7pm. Was a shame they then missed the evening part but they are not really disco people anyway so they didn't mind. They kept him over night so we could have our wedding night in the hotel and we picked him up later on the next morning. There would have been no way I would have not had him there.

It's your day and your decision. He isn't old enough to feel left out. You have to think of how the day will run and see if your LO would enjoy it or if they would be unhappy/bored. Your wedding, your call.

Boys2mam · 23/05/2009 21:33

When I married my ex-h we had our 14 wk old son at the ceremony with us - he screamed during the whole reception (we should have taken it for the omen it was)

I, still to this day, appreciate the fact my parents took him for the rest of the night but hold it against my thankfully ex-in-laws for not giving a shit enjoying the party

YANBU - can you get some family on side to run as interference and take care of your kids?

Original poster
motherpi · 23/05/2009 21:35

We have, er, rather decided to keep it to ourselves for now, so no family could have offered.
.

A nanny is a superb idea. The children could be there for the ceremony and, if necessary, be whisked over to the park or museum whilst we ate. Will have to insist that MIL does not try to go with them...

Thank you so much (on the behalf of my now-not-so-deprived children) for your replies.

OP posts:
donkeyderby · 23/05/2009 21:37

We got married without our children being there, but then we got married without anyone being there except two friends as witnesses. That was because we only got married for legal reasons - complicated family and house-owning arrangements made less complicated by marriage - rather than because we were keen to be tie the knot.

My daughter who is now 17 has since said a couple of times - 'you didn't even invite me to your wedding' with a slightly bitter tone and I don't really know how to answer her. They won't notice not being invited now, but they may question it when they are older especially if others are invited. I regret not having them there, however low-key it was.

mamamila · 23/05/2009 21:43

there is nothing cuter than tiny kids in wedding outfits, think of the photos!

scottishmummy · 23/05/2009 21:54

congratulations on wedding!your own dc arent encumbrance.That's other people children

you are a family,your children should be there

shockers · 23/05/2009 22:33

I think you may regret it if they aren't there... the others at your day will realise that they need to take part ( and will probably really enjoy it!) in childcare as this day IS about you and your man! But weddings are about family... traditionally 2 families becoming interlinked through the happy couple. Yours is so much more special because it's the cementing of Mummy and Daddy's love... trust me as one who's been there (aged 3)... I felt very special for having been there. ( and I still have the little leather pouchette that my mum's wedding ring came in (aged 42!) X

skramble · 24/05/2009 00:37

My DD is most huffed she wasn't at my wedding, the fact that she wasn't born just isn't good enough for her.

Ds was nearly 2 and was very much part of it all, MIl took care of him but during the service he wanted to be up front with us so I gave MIL the nod and he can over and sat with us, he is pictured on my knee signing the register and when we cam back out after signing he led the way out of the church in front of theminister, giving us one of the best pics ever of him marching off in front.

Again at the reception MIl amused him during the pics and at the meal.

halia · 24/05/2009 09:43

there's nothing cuter than
tiny children squeezed into formal outfits which they hate
children being told they have to be careful of said formal outfits
children being forced to sit still for a service which they dont' understand

your wedding vows being drowned out by baby yelling cos its past her naptime and toddler screaming his head off

MIL waving sticky hands away from her dress

the raised eyebrows when people realise they've turned up to your weddign and they now have to do unpaid childcare.

Can you tell I'm doubtful about kids+weddings.

Last year we had a 5 yr anniversary party - and I wanted to renew our vows too. We kept it really really informal and we DID hire a local Cm to keep DS (3) and other kids amused however I STILL;
didn't get to have a shower or put on any makeup/do anything with my hair as CM didn't arrive til party kicked off and MIL/Mum didn't just miracously help out!
I was up at 5.30am with DS ont he big day AND the day after
Whilst everyone else was enjoying the evening sunshine I was in a dark room with DS (who was knackered and 2 hrs past his bedtime) stroking his head and wishing he could get to sleep (oh yes and wanting to scream at the people having VERY loud conversations outside the loo which was next to his bedroom)

If it were me I'd have my small adult ceremony and enjoy it, then have a bigger family orientated aprty. That way your kids get to enjoy something thats more geared to them and you get to actually enjoy your wedding day.

halia · 24/05/2009 09:45

"I delegated charge of him to my mum for the day. It worked perfectly. He sat with her for the meal and during the ceremony and generally took care of him so I didn't have to worry. She and my step dad took him home to bed at 7pm. Was a shame they then missed the evening part but they are not really disco people anyway so they didn't mind. They kept him over night so we could have our wedding night in the hotel and we picked him up later on the next morning. There would have been no way I would have not had him there."

but thats the difference, YOU didn't have him there your MUM did. not getting at you I think its the perfect solution. But it only works if the kids are present but you are NOT the adult in charge of them for that day.

aGalChangedHerName · 24/05/2009 09:56

I had all of my 4 dc there. Hired a local CM to babysit them in the evening after they fell asleep. Our dd's were only 20 months and 9 months and i couldn't imagine having done it without them. The ds's were much older so stayed up with everyone else.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/05/2009 10:02

congrats

i quite understand why you dont want your children there, its your day and you may not enjoy it if your children are bored/restless

saying that,hiring a nanny seems the perfect solution - you can have pics with your children, then during meal the nanny can take your children on a seperate table and play games/make stuff with them

i hsve done many wedding creches and tbh it makes life and the day much less stressful for the bride and guests (if other children are there)

if you are anywhere near kent, i can offer my services date depending?

vonny67 · 24/05/2009 10:47

We got maried when our DC's were 6 and 2. It was a fab day, the Dc's were looked after by everybody but me it seemed! They weren't bored, far from it as all their cousins, aunties, various other people were there for them to play with! And the photos were fab!!