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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider not having my children at the wedding?

58 replies

motherpi · 23/05/2009 20:28

After eleven years together, the Boyf and I have finally decided to get married this autumn. We both want a teeny-tiny affair with immediate family only - ten people max. It will probably be a civil ceremony followed by a decent lunch and then everyone home.

The question is - do I take my one-year old and three-year-old? They will be bored, and I'm not sure I want to spend my wedding day hissing "sit STILL".

So far, the only two people I have asked have had firm (but sadly opposing) views. Am I going to seriously regret it? Or am I just being sensible?

OP posts:
ellingwoman · 24/05/2009 11:01

op and halia you are both coming across as if your children don't have a dad. Another equal parent. Bringing up children is a joint effort. You should both be hissing sit still!

Don't agree with a nanny if the children don't know her, but a known adult to take ultimate charge seems the best solution. And you know deep down you will regret it if the are not there! What does dp think?

cory · 25/05/2009 10:18

imo it's not just about whether you will regret it: it's more than likely that they will resent it as they grow older and find out that other relatives/friends were allowed to be there and that they, who should be closest to you, were not allowed.

I would hire a helper for the day. Someone to be next to your children with colouring books and games and who can take you out when you want to go to the loo.

We did this when we got married, our own dcs hadn't been born at the time, but there were a number of other children around and we engaged two student nannies to look after them, worked great.

stroppyknickers · 25/05/2009 10:23

We didn't have anyone except two witnesses at our wedding - fab! Went to a pub afterwards, had a pint, went and had posh food, with the witnesses. Then we had a big party the next day, with everyone all dressed up, and me in my gown.

muffle · 25/05/2009 10:24

Could you do both - eg have a nice ceremony and champagne/tea and cake somewhere nice with DCs, then home, put them to bed, babysitter and out for a posh dinner with the adults?

Original poster
motherpi · 25/05/2009 20:53

Oooh muffle, I like that!

Blondes - nowhere near Kent, alas.

OP posts:
luvoneson · 25/05/2009 21:04

I would want mine there, a hired nanny for a few hours sounds a really good option. If anywhere in Essex i can babysit too!

traceybath · 25/05/2009 22:19

Well i got married when ds1 was nearly one and he went to nursery for the day!

He was ultra clingy at that stage and i selfishly wanted to enjoy saying my vows/the lunch afterwards without worrying about him.

He came for an hour or so at 4pm and it was all over by 5.30pm and he then went home with my sister for the night.

Should add it was tiny wedding - only 20 including us.

But we then had a big hog roast/party 2 days later which he and 40 other small children attended.

That worked well for us and i don't feel guilty - a michelin starred restaurant would not have been any fun for him with 4 courses and speeches to sit through. But the child friendly party 2 days later was perfect.

He also came on the honeymoon.

branflake81 · 26/05/2009 06:58

My parents got married when I was 5 and my sister was 3.

They had a small ceremony with just the neighbours as witnesses (both their parents were dead).

I was at school and my sister at nursery and we did not attend.

It did not bother me in the slightest. To be honest, I doubt that even if I had attended I would have remembered.

Your children are too young to really understand the signifance of the day so YANBU.

BonsoirAnna · 26/05/2009 07:49

Take your children plus some childcare (could be a family member) for them so that you don't have to look after them yourself.

junglist1 · 26/05/2009 10:49

I understand your reasoning, but I think you might regret not having them there. I agree with having someone there in a childminding role, leaving you free to relax and enjoy while still having them there to share your special day.

FabulousBakerGirl · 26/05/2009 10:51

Really, you can't not have your children there. Ask someone else to be in full charge of them and enjoy the day.

DrunkenDaisy · 26/05/2009 11:42

Yes she can. She can do what she likes.

I didn't have anybody at my wedding, even my DD who was 9 at the time. I just wanted it to be really private between me and my partner, so we went away to Sri Lanka and got married on a beach.

However, i did have a wedding lunch in my parents garden when we got back, where all relatives were invited and we had a cake etc.

I think a couple of people were a bit pissed off, but no lasting damage.

FabulousBakerGirl · 26/05/2009 12:55

Just as I can post my opinion when asked for it.

aGalChangedHerName · 26/05/2009 12:58

My dc would have been devastated to have been excluded from our wedding

You wanted it to be really private between you and your dp??? How sad for your dd

bigchris · 26/05/2009 13:01

I think yabu
can't you ask a gradparent to look after them at the wedding?

mumof2222222222222222boys · 26/05/2009 13:03

Lots of good suggestions on here. No direct advice, but we have been invited WITH KIDS to a family friend's wedding. In contrast to a lot of treads on here where people are put out because they can't take their children, we thought, oh no - what a nightmare with DSs aged 4 and 2 at what is mainly an evening do.

Anyway, we are going with them - they are not going to get many invitations over the next few years, and DS1 (4) is really excited about it. They will stay until about 8ish when our AP will remove them to hotel. We'll then let our hair down for the rest of the evening.

Your older child is 3 - I am sure he/she would love it.

traceybath · 26/05/2009 14:34

Just to add it does i think depend how clingy your child is.

Both my ds's at the age of 1 wouldn't be parted from me. So the whole nanny/granny thing wouldn't have worked - they just wanted mummy.

Its your choice so do what you want to and enjoy the day.

Springfleurs · 26/05/2009 14:49

I don't think I would judge anyone who did this, there are so many different circumstances etc.

Personally I wouldn't be able to though. It is such a special thing and I just would not want to exclude them from it. Doesn't feel like good karma to me either, excluding them from celebrations of the beginning of a new life together.

aGalChangedHerName · 26/05/2009 15:54

DD2 was 9 months old and mega clingy. Exclusivly BF and co-slept etc. If she had wanted me or dh on out wedding day then either of us would/could have just held her . What's the big deal??

barnsleybelle · 26/05/2009 16:01

It's your day... do what makes you happy...

traceybath · 26/05/2009 17:26

There's no 'big deal' if thats what you want to do.

However in my case its not what i wanted to do.

aGalChangedHerName · 26/05/2009 17:54

Fair enough Tracey. Just don't get having children then not wanting them to be part of a ceremony that i think cements you as a couple and a family.

Horses for courses and all that tho eh?

traceybath · 26/05/2009 18:23

Golly - i do love how people write something incredibly judgemental and then qualify it by saying 'horses for courses'.

Anyway - OP do what works best for you and your DP/family. Was just trying to explain why the childcare option at the wedding wouldn't have worked for me

aGalChangedHerName · 26/05/2009 18:37

Do you know what i love?? People thinking their opinion is the only one that's right.

I said i can't understand why someone would not want their own children at their own wedding. Not wanting other peoples... well that i can almost get but your own?? Nope don't get it.

The actual ceremony only lasts what 15/20 mins? My friend held my dd2 who was crying a bit but she survived and enjoyed the rest of the day.

wolfnipplechips · 26/05/2009 19:00

I hardly saw my kids on my wedding day between the nursery nurse we brought with us, family and friends they were looked after. They had the best day ever and i wouldn't of had them miss it for the world.

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