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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being 'blinkered' for believing DS over relatives?

31 replies

TheWorldIsAVampire · 22/05/2009 13:45

A few weeks ago we attended a family wedding. I took my two sons aged 8 and 10.

After the ceremony we went to an after-party reception. I personally thought this went well and had no reason to believe anyone thought any different.

However, I have since learnt that an incident "apparantly" took place regarding my youngest son and nobody wanted to tell me at the time in case it spoilt the wedding. I now find out that the family have been discussing my son and his behaviour behind my back ever since.

"Apparantly" ds2 crawled under a table full of people and bit my cousin very hard on the hand.

I found this very difficult to believe for a number of reasons.

  1. DS does not know my cousin so would never have dared do something like that, even as a joke.
  2. I was watching my kids the whole time and not once did I see him under anyone elses table.
  3. My son is 8, he does not 'bite'.

But, he does have a few behavioural problems (which the family well know ) so rather than dismiss it completely, I asked DS1 if his brother had been under the tables at the wedding. He said no. (if he had, DS would have told me just to get him into trouble!). I then asked if he was aware of DS2 biting anyone at the wedding ... he pulled a face, laughed and said "no! why on earth would he bite someone??"

I believe my son. I don't think he did bite anyone. I think my cousin WAS bitten on the hand by another child (a younger child who WAS under cousins table and who knows cousin well) and I think my DS just got the blame because of his reputation.

I'm very annoyd, it's not the first time the family has tried to make my kids out to be out of control monsters.

There is a party this weekend for my cousins (different cousin) daughter and EVERY child from the family is invited apart from my two. Apparantly that's because of a lack of space I think it's because of this so called biting incident.

So am I being naive by believing my son?

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 22/05/2009 13:47

No, actually I think you are BRILLIANT for believing your son, you know him, and the rest of the family are being twunts.

Sexonlegs · 22/05/2009 13:49

I am appalled that your ds2 has been singled out. How incredibly awful

Lovesdogsandcats · 22/05/2009 13:50

No you are not. I wpuld be fuming.
If he DID bite her, i find it hard to bel;ieve no one would say anything for fear of causing a scene!

Ayway, lets say he DID bite her...he has behavioural problems and they all know this, yet they exclude him and his brother from the next family thing, when all the other kids will be there?

I would not have anything to do with any of them from now on, but then i am extreme in my reactions

PlumBumMum · 22/05/2009 13:55

YANBU, if you honestly believe your ds then stand up for him, I'm abit miffed for you actually as it does sound like your son is the innocent party, I think every parent knows when their dcs are telling the truth and what their typical behaviour is!

Are you going to go to the party?

Original poster
TheWorldIsAVampire · 22/05/2009 13:56

Thank you. I am quite upset about it because there has been two children's parties in the past year and my two children are the only kids in the family to have been left out. The last excuse was that they are "too old" for parties. They're 8 and 10!

I'm not saying they're angels, they're not and they ARE rough when they play and DS2 does come out with the odd thing he shouldn't say but I know for a fact he wouldn't bite someone.

Oh and he was apparantly 'stealing' glasses of champaign all night. Surely, he would have been either drunk or sick if this was the case and if people saw him drinking champain, why the hell didn't they stop him or at least tell me??

It's basically become a 'running joke' that my kids are wild. I'm just going to keep them away from the family in future

OP posts:
Original poster
TheWorldIsAVampire · 22/05/2009 13:58

No we're not going to the part PlumBum, we're not invited.

OP posts:
francagoestohollywood · 22/05/2009 14:11

YANBU.
Plus, I find they are being a bit OTT about this accident. People must have very little to talk about.

MillyR · 22/05/2009 14:13

Your extended family sound vile. I would believe your son.

MarlaSinger · 22/05/2009 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 22/05/2009 14:15

What horrible people. I think you're quite right, your son didn't bite anyone but is being scapegoated because it's easier for them to do that, than it is to deal with the real problem - whatever that might be.

Stick to your guns.

londontipton · 22/05/2009 14:21

YANBU

They sound heartless and as you say, they allegedly witnessed your son drinking alcohol? And did nothing? That makes no sense at all!

PlumBumMum · 22/05/2009 14:22

Did none of your other family members stick up for your ds?
It is sad to say but if they aren't inviting you to any parties then I would definitely have it out with them,
and he would have been sick if he'd been drinking champagne, think your family are being childish in the first place, if that happened why did someone not bring it to your attention

BlueBumedFly · 22/05/2009 14:28

YANBU - good for you for not buckling under this pressure. They sound vile.

I would organise the very best day you can on the day of the party (best you can afford, I know times are hard for everyone) and take loads of pictures of you all having a grand old time. Then stick them on your fridge to remind yourself where you would rather be.

Spaceman · 22/05/2009 14:30

If there was a big problem then it should have been dealt with at the time, not left until afterwards. Now it's all Chinese Whispers and no-one's ever going to know the truth. It sounds like you believe your boys which is great; they need you to believe in them.

katiestar · 22/05/2009 14:33

If the biter was under the table ,then I think it is unlikely they got a good look at him.I think it is an unfortunate fact of life that once a child gets labelled with behavioural problems ,they become the scapegoat for every misdeed

RedCharityBonney · 22/05/2009 14:35

Spaceman's right - you can't fight a whisper campaign so I shouldn't even try. Good for you for sticking up for your boy - you investigated the claim and didn't dismiss it out of hand, so you handled it perfectly.

Good on you and shame on them.

Original poster
TheWorldIsAVampire · 22/05/2009 14:36

Nobody stuck up for DS at all My mum said "to be honest, I can't see DGS doing that ... but then (cousin) wouldn't lie"

I'm going to organise a good birthday party for them both where they can invite their friends and cousins on ex's side of family and I'm going to post all the photos on facebook where my family will see them.

Childish? ah well

OP posts:
BlueBumedFly · 22/05/2009 14:38

Go for it TWIAV, a women after my own heart.

OrmIrian · 22/05/2009 14:38

Good for you.

Even if he did bite there is no reason to make such a fuss about this and certainly no reason to exclude him. It's outrageous behaviour. And not even to discuss it with you

Wizzska · 22/05/2009 14:39

That is incredibly unreasonable of them. Because they didn't tell you at the time you are unable to find out the truth and deal with the problem so that gives them carte blanche to throw about accusations without you being able to defend your family. They are absolutely out of order and I would tell them. I'd be fuming.

Nekabu · 22/05/2009 14:48

Did you cousin see him after he (apparently) bit his/her hand? As in, straight away, lifted up the tablecloth and saw your ds in situ, post-chomp?

snowmummy · 22/05/2009 14:51

YANBU - I'd be furious

Saltire · 22/05/2009 15:08

I'd be inclined to do the same - have a party and don't invite them. I can't believe your own mother doesn't take her GS's side in it and believe in him!

5Foot5 · 22/05/2009 17:01

I would be tempted to confront this head on. It is not fair on your sons or you to have a whispering campaign against them.

Is there someone in the family who you could let know your side and how angry you are at the way they are behaving. Someone who would pass this on..

clam · 22/05/2009 17:10

How would you feel about phoning yur cousin and saying,"Look, I gather there was a problem at the wedding and people are thinking DS misbehaved. Can you tell me about it?"
See what she says, and put forward the other view. Ask her if it's possible she made a mistake as it might well have been the other child.
Can't make things any worse than them all thinking he's done something he hasn't. And if the family are prepared to discuss it amongst themselves, they should have the decency to talk to you about it and try to clear it up.
If not, f* 'em!