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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be *so* annoyed with my friend about this?

38 replies

SamsMama · 21/05/2009 16:36

My two BF and I were out having drinks Saturday night. One of them is trying to lose weight and she was complaining "I only eat healthy food, I don't know what the problem is," and my other friend and I started talking about portion control. She was complaining about how hard that was so I explained that at my house, when I make dinner, I give DS and DH and I a portion of the main course (pasta or whatever) and then put the rest of it away for DH's lunch the next day. If we're still hungry when we're done we just eat lots of fruits and veggies, etc. She was horrified! She started accusing me of having DS on a diet and counting his calories. I told her I never count Ds's calories (he's not even 2 FGS), but that I want him to learn to eat in moderation. I don't want to deny him foods ever (except soda I guess, though he does drink ginger ale when he's sick and I'm sure when he's older he'll have soda occasionally). She just kept saying that kids should not ever have to think about food. We just kind of stopped talking about it. The next day we were texting back and forth and she texted "btw my MIL agrees with me and all of her kids are healthy" I was so irritated! I just repeated that I don't want to make any food "good" or "bad" for my son, I just want him to know that some foods (i.e. fruit, veggies) are fine to eat lots and lots of and some you have a smaller amount of, and some are just occasional treats (candy, cake, ice cream, etc.) She texted, "well, I just know that I would never deny my growing child healthy food." I'm just livid! I feel like she's implying that I'm this evil mother who weighs out her kid's meals on a food scale or something and that's not the case AT ALL. I just don't think that it's good to let your kid (or yourself for that matter) have unlimited amounts of something like lasagna. (That was the example she gave of a healthy food)

So...AIBU?

OP posts:
BCLass · 21/05/2009 16:38

YANBU!

giantkatestacks · 21/05/2009 16:39

Hmm I will give my ds food until he says hes had enough - ie he isnt hungry anymore. But then hes as thin as a rake so I dont worry about it...

So if he wanted more lasagne then he could have it - I trust him to know when hes full-up.

fortyplus · 21/05/2009 16:40

YABU to be cross with her. YANBU to encourage your child to eat a healthy diet. Young children need fat in their diet - a low fat diet would be unhealthy for a two year old, but if you're all eating stuff like lasagne he will be getting enough fat.

JodieO · 21/05/2009 16:41

Agree with Kate.

SammyK · 21/05/2009 16:44

YANBU

introduce her to the eatwell plate, it shows the moderations that each food group should be eaten in.

She sounds a bit oversensitive about it all (you sound like you have a relaxed attitude to food), it may be she is having to look hard at her eating habits and feeling defensive. I wouldn't continue being annoyed about it, let it go and make a note not to discuss it with her again.

Lulumama · 21/05/2009 16:44

tricky one

children of that age are sooo active and like bottomless pits

children don;t tend to stuff themselves and gorge if they are allowed to regulate their own appetites

fruit & veg has calories in it,so allowing vast amounts of that rather than one more serving of homemade lasagne seems a bit, well, pointless?

why is unlimited amounts of fruit and veg better than unlimited lasagne, if you see what i mean?

surely unlimited anything is not great

i am not sure really....

NormaSknockers · 21/05/2009 16:45

I agree with Kate too - it's what I do too. I give DD a potion of food, if she asks for more she's allowed it. She knows when she's full & stops eating. She eats a balanced diet & is nice & active.

YANBU to be a bit ticked off with her attitude though - it's each to their own after all!

JemL · 21/05/2009 16:46

Nothing can make my DS eat unless he is hungry - so I don't bother with portion control. If he wants more, I give him more. But then, often he will not eat a meal at all, or just a tiny amount.

I don't think portion control is generally necessary for a child so young personally, but I wouldn't be happy at the friend being bitchy about my choices either!

Thunderduck · 21/05/2009 16:46

I also agree with Kate.

NormaSknockers · 21/05/2009 16:46

portion not potion

Original poster
SamsMama · 21/05/2009 16:48

Yes for sure, I would never ever put DS on a low fat or any kind of diet! I also trust him to know when he's full (yesterday he stopped eating in the middle of a cracker and said "aw done") it's just that I'd prefer he'd fill up on what I consider healthier stuff. He certainly eats enough fat (nuts, cheese, etc.). I think I'm just upset with her for the "I would never..." comment. She takes things very personally, and I know if I ever said something like that to her (she doesn't have DC yet but when she does) she would absolutely rip my face off!

I explained to her that I know some moms who are all "NO sugar, NO preservatives, NO food coloring, NO refined grains, NO processed food, etc" and I also know some moms who let their kids eat chicken nuggets and "juice drink" and candy everyday. I don't judge either set of moms, 'cause that's what works for them and chances are their kids will be fine. I just feel most comfortable feeding my kid a varied diet with lots of fruits and veggies, and medium amount of the other stuff, and occasional sweet treats. Somewhere in between those two extremes, I guess!

OP posts:
Gorionine · 21/05/2009 16:48

I tend to agree with you Lulumama, I am not sure about not letting a child having a second helping of food, it somehow makes me feel a bit uneasy.

springlamb · 21/05/2009 16:50

So most of your main courses are made to serve 4 then? (Or at least 3 and a half?
I wouldn't expect a not-even-2 yr old to be asking me for seconds in these circumstances, TBH.
A half portion of lasagne with veg on the side sounds plenty for a not-even-2 yr old. However, I would be offering a yoghurt/fruit as dessert anyway just to up the calcium and get 5 fruit/veg in, and just to establish a routine of a healthy dessert.

Original poster
SamsMama · 21/05/2009 16:52

Oh, there have DEFINITELY been times where Ds is obviously still hungry and I've gone and gotten the pasta or whatever out of the fridge for him! I just don't keep it on the table, so he mostly asks for more salad or grapes or whatever's in front of him.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 21/05/2009 17:01

really, gorionine?

if mine want seconds, but don;t want it all, that;s fine, i am glad they like my food enough to want more !!

i was talking about this with a friend recently who said she still feels compelled to clear her plate at every meal time, as her mother would not let her leave anything on her plate as a child. so obivously how we feed our little ones is importnat, but i tend to go for the least intervention/self regulating idea

springlamb · 21/05/2009 17:02

Well things have changed drastically in the six years since I had a not-even-2 yr old if they are demanding seconds of extremely filling foods such as lasagne.
Precisely six minutes would be spent eating steadily before they made a sculpture from the remaining mash.
A yoghurt would be demolished before the spoon became an offensive weapon.
Milk would be golloped down until it flowed either side of the mouth.
Then it was away to chase the dog again!
If they still had the energy to chase the dog, they were fine.

MillyR · 21/05/2009 17:10

A higher proportion of a child's diet should be from fat than in an adult diet. As long as you understand that he needs to eat a higher proportion of fat than you do do, then there shouldn't be a problem.

I don't think anyone on here can really know what you are feeding your son and how much. It is probably more sensible for you to speak to your health visitor.

wannaBe · 21/05/2009 17:11

unlimited fruit isn't always a positive thing though, as fruit has a lot of acid which can be bad for teeth.

I'm not sure I agree with the principle of portion control for a two year old. Yes IMO it's important to give them portions which they can manage, ie less is more ime, but I wouldn't be preparing the evening meal with a view to putting some of it away for dh's lunch. I would prepare the evening meal, and if not all of it was eaten that would be a bonus. Except when I make things like bolognaise sauce which can easily feed six, so we eat half and freeze half.

Gorionine · 21/05/2009 17:13

Lulumama, I am not sure I understand your question

I was saying it would make me feel uneasy to not give them a second helping if they wanted to (were obviously still hungry) The second helping does not have to be as big as the first one BTW.. Is that what you were asking?

MillyR · 21/05/2009 17:16

I have just looked it up. An adult needs 20% or their calories to be from fat, while a child of 2-3 needs at least 30% of their calories to be from fat. So while your child may not be eating a low fat diet by adult standards, he may be by the standards of what a 2 year old needs.

Lulumama · 21/05/2009 17:21

i was just wondering why it made you feel uneasy! sorry, i dont; think i phrased it terribly well.. am also feeding DCs their dinner.

MilaMae · 21/05/2009 17:21

I would stop my dc having a 2nd helping if they hadn't finished their 1st course ie they love the top of lasagna but the bottom gets left. I feel if they're hungry they should finish the whole thing.

Also in our house there is 5 of us and there is never enough left over for any 2nds anyway. They have plenty big enough portions and we have a groaning fruit bowl which they can eat as much as they want.I know this happens in a lot of my friends houses. With the price of food I can't afford vast amounts of decent meat, I make a big pot,pad it out but when it's gone it's gone.

I agree with the op to some extent,letting kids gorge on chips,sweets and crap is setting up problems for later. My dc are allowed everything(except sweeteners and rehydrated fat ) but they know chips, sweets etc are only a once a week thing and they have 50ps worth of sweets not their whole £1 pocket money.

Learning to eat healthily is an important life skill like anything else. Also lasagna weather homemade or not is choc full of calories, fat,very little veg etc. 1 portion has probably got plenty enough fat,salt etc towards a days intake. Kids don't actually need more but going hungry isn't good either so I don't see the problem with unlimited fruit myself.

I love food and want my kids to enjoy good food too( including cakes,deserts,choc etc)but I want them to know how to moderate things later when I'm not around.

If you go down the route of not denying kids what they want it would be chips at every meal,I know one of my sons would love that,so would I if I let myself but I don't. If I did I'd become morbidly obese instead of the healthy size 12/14 that I am. I'm not skinny because I enjoy all foods,eat what I want and don't go overboard on the denial thing but I'm healthy.

I do think it's a thin line though, if you get too obsessive that is seriously not good for kids.I'd imagine it would be easy to go overboard if you weren't careful.

MilaMae · 21/05/2009 17:22

That would be whether ,also feeding dc

Gorionine · 21/05/2009 17:34

Oh, It would make me feel uneasy to send them to bed still feeling hungry for example. All my Dcs are very skinny so I am not at all worried about giving them a second helping. My view would probably be different if they had weight issues though. They do not eat crisp or sweet very often either so it is definitely not going to the give them what they want route, just making sure they have eaten enough according to their appetite. Some day they will ask for a second serving, some day they wont.

I actually have more of a problem understanding why I shoud allow my Dcs to have crisps once a week than to serve them a bit of extra food when they clearly are still hungry.

MilaNae, if you want to you can "cram" an awful lot of veg in home made lasagna, I actually most of the times cook vegetable lasagna. When you are the one doing the cooking you really can put what you want in the dish.

MillyR · 21/05/2009 17:35

I have also now looked up the fat content of lasagne. For a child of 4 or above to get their whole day's fat from a meat lasagne they would have to eat 800g of it. I don't think even I could manage that many helpings!