.. as a SAHM to be jealous of dh's life and fed up with mine?

[cuppa]

Bit of history - when had 1st dc 10 years ago I hated my job and also really wanted to stay at home & look after him. So at the time I was v. happy with the decision. Part of me still is. I didn't realise how things would pan out ....

In the mean time we have moved a lot due to dh's job, inc to foreign lands where I don't speak the lingo so great, though I try and am going to classes etc.

Like I say we keep moving, so I have to start all over again socially and learning the set up etc. Now I have a toddler and dc finish school at 12 so I feel trapped, plus it's been 10 years since I orked and I have lost all confidence and don't have any idea what I can do or would like to do or anything. Not that I feel it's poissible cos of kids. I also feel any job I got would just be a 'little job' to get a bit of 'pin money' and not worth the hassle, esp as I'm a foreigner here and don't speak the language so well, what would I be able to do anyway? But the with the kids it all just feels unsurmountable.

In the mean time .. dh has got a challenging job which he enjoys. He has to travel away with work sometimes. He's away at the moment, ok working, but also staying in 4* hotel, going out to dinner & bars, while I'm here, doing the cooking, cleaning, ironing, helping with homework.

I sometimes tell him how trapped or miserable I feel or how hard I find it. I am so lonly and fed up of housework. I think he listens, but then last night he again said to me when I expressed a bit of envy at him telling me after a day of workshops he & colleagues had half hour stroll down to lake then dinner in fantastic waterside restaurant blah blah & he gets all arsey with me

"oh here we go, like your life is so shit and I'm not happy if he's enjoying himself and want him to have a crap time"

I try to explain I don't want him to have a crap time, but would like myself to have a bit of a more exciting or nicer time too. There was he with his fab colleagues and fab lake and fab restauarant, and I was up till midnight doing the effing housework. Then 1 of kids poorly and had me up all night. moan moan.

Oh, and he had affair once before, so I feel uneasy anyway about him being way, and last night he was going on about talking to a Bulgarian. I asked the name and he fobbed me off with some nonesence about it being unpronouncable. I felt he was trying to conceal the fact it was a woman and it pissed me off even more.

He thinks I'm just making excuses about work. He's more than happy for me to be SAHM if I want, but I don't see how I could find a job that's worth the unbelieveable aggravation it will cause. He wouldn't be helping with the childcare or the house or the emergencies that crop up. I am pretty busy with all that needs to be done, doctors visits, running the house. I'm just so sick of being lonely and just being a person that enables everyne else to have a nice life.

Oh here we go again, my life's so shit....

so, aibu?

YANBU. But you need to build up your own social circle. You need to talk to DH and arrange nights out with him as well. Mention that lovely restaurant and get him to take you.

It is hard and yes you are going to feel envious but rather than let it eat you up, you need to find some interesting things to do. Especially if getting a job would be hard being in a foreign country.

Is there a way of meeting other people that are not from the country you are residing in? You need to get out and about and build up your confidence.

See whats out there.

Hugs..

I think you need a project of some description with an intellectually challenging content. Can you do a course?

hello - are you me?

Me: housework, more housework, chauffeur to after-school activities, cook, homework, etc etc

I also haven't worked in ten years, and when people ask if I'm going back to work (younger dc is 5), I just shrug. I have no family or friends around, so everything is on my shoulders (dh hardly ever at home). How is one supposed to step back into the world of work when you can only offer school hours? It's ok if you have some support or you have been doing the job before, but as new recruit it is very difficult.

I quite understand how you feel about just being an enabler for everyone else.

A course does seem a good idea, Cuppa.

I'll think about that myself!

YANBU at all. It must be hard to make a life of your own when you are moving around so much. Your DH's won't be able to understand because every time he moves his new life is all worked out for him by having a job to do. You have to put all the effort in and it isn't easy.

Seems to me there are a lot of issues in your post that aren't really about having a job at all. Lack of trust and empathy from your DH, although I suspect part of that is because he is feeling guilty about moving the family all over the place. Your loneliness is another issue and the fact that you are doing all the housework and don't get a break.

First of all can you afford to get some help in the house so that you get to have some time off as well. It isn't really on being up until midnight still doing chores.

Secondly, without being specific if you don't want to, where are you living at the moment? Is there an ex-pat community you haven't tapped into yet that could get you out of the house during the day and maybe even lead to a job?

Third if you are looking for a challenge yourself, would you consider doing a correspondence course of some time to keep your brain active and maybe set you up to return to work when life is a bit more settled.

I would also be having a chat with DH about where you are going in the future. Will there ever be a time when you can put down some roots and get a life of your own or will you be constantly moving until you retire? Maybe it is time for a bit of compromise on the part of your DH where he steps back a little from his career to give you a chance to do your own thing. You weren't put on the planet soley to facilitate his life and he needs to think about what is best for you.

Can I just say, although I don't live abroad I do have an inkling of where you are coming from having been a SAHM for 9 yrs and having moved twice in that time. I get the bit about starting again and always being at the beck and call of your DH's career although you have it a lot worse than me as we have been here for the last 5 years.

Anyway, much sympathy.

I felt a bit like this too - so I have been studying in order to make a change in career.

What did you do before? Could you do a course to learn the language better? Or anything else - there are loads of places in the UK that offer distance learning abroad - if you are in the EU I think most OU Courses are available to you - and some even further afield.

But I sometimes feel that dh has the best of it - not that he is swanning around in 4 and 5* hotels, far from it, he is staffing a GP on-call centre in the middle of the night when he is away. But he still isn't doing all the day to day stuff ....... I am , and I am also quite badly depressed at the moment - on meds, seeing docs etc - but still doing my best with a little help from friends!

Its hard with kids, even school age - I have to be available to drop off/pick up and even if I went back to my old job (secondary teacher - don't really want to) the kids would have to go into after school care etc ....... which is fine for lots of people but my dd2 has a disability that the after school club can't cope with.

Not much help, am I? But I am here and feel free to talk - it helps.

YANBU. I felt the same as you a few years ago. I so resented DH. Now however I am very happy with my SAHM situation and would not swap with DH for the world. It might change again.

mind you dh's job not so glamourous...

for our family, it certainly makes sense for me to be a sahm, but I feel like I've wasted my life and that I no longer have one.

DBlP, how did you get from feeling as I do now, to feeling happy with being SAHM? Do tell me how you make that change.

cuppa Just to make you feel a little better I really, really hate my job. Just about to post on another topic on how I could change it.
I think if you can get a cleaner that does the ironing. That might help Remember you are giving another person employment.
Then with a piece of paper write down what you really, really envy about DH's life.
See if it going to restaurant maybe you can be an events organiser, for example. Get my drift. Study what you need and come back.
I'll go away and do the same

When I had a year as a SAHM, I felt like a dogsbody - general cook, cleaner and bottle washer. I loathed it.
I decided to write a book. I've now written quite a few and make a good living. Plus it's flexible and freelance so I can do it around the kids.
Now, I'm not suggesting that would be your bag, but why not think of something you've always wanted to do and just start. You never know where it might lead.
I think just waiting to feel more positive about your situation is unlikey to help - you have to effect the change.

Then with a piece of paper write down what you really, really envy about DH's life.

good advice.

I genuinely don't feel like aiming for employment is realistic, given the language. I'll never be good enough for a 'proper' job. And my job would always always play 2nd fiddle to dh's, rightly so I guess, as I'd never be able to earn his salary.

I love my kids so much, but one thing I envy about dh is his freedom, while I am every day on the front line. It now feels like a grind. I am a crap mum. I could do with a break from them, even though I love them so much. But I don't have any help or family to help, and due to moving no friends to go and 'escape' to/with

litchick - well done, wow, that's really impressive.

I agree absolutely with what you say and it makes sense, but after 10 years I have lost myself. I have no drive or desire or ideas on what I can or could do.

I just wish I had a spark or a dream I've always wanted to do this or that, and the energy to put it into action.

but clueless

doesn't have to be a job - you could do some voluntary stuff or a college course? or start a group for expats?

and your DH needs to take you out to nice places so you dont have to feel jealous

no one should be up till midnight doing housework - whats that all about? do you need to lower your standards and go easy???

cuppa I'll be back later with the story of my change.

not that is much of a story...

YANBU at all. And your last post is heartbreaking: "I am a crap mum." I bet you're not!! All the above advice is brilliant, and I honestly think that there are far more women in your situation (i.e. frustrated SAHMs) than you might think. I have been there too ... I hope it helps to know that most SAHMs feel like this sometimes. I think it probably is up to you to make the first move to sorting out your life - i.e. signing up for a course (language course??), coffee mornings, local expat group, whatever else is available. Try the local library / town hall etc, depending on what's available where you are. Can you tell us what country / continent you're in? Someone on MN might have first-hand knowledge of it.

I also think - forgive me for this - that the fact that your husband had an affair is relevant to your current state of mind. I don't think you would have mentioned it in your OP if you weren't concerned about it. Have you dealt with it properly with your DH, either with or without counselling?

As for needing time away from the kids: that is also totally normal. Do you have any way of finding a babysitter locally, perhaps via the noticeboard at your husband's place of work, who could babysit one evening per week / month (when your kids are asleep, if the language is a barrier) so you and DH can go out? It might not be masses of child-free time, but it's a start.

Sending you strong, positive thoughts.

Why on gods name where you up until midnight doing housework? NOTHING is that important (in regards to housework).

Whilst I think your DH needs to give you more support you need to stand up for yourself and make time for YOU.

Sorry, bit tired here! That should read "why in gods name are you up" yadda yadda yadda.

Mummydragon- I think that's right. DH goes away a lot and although I worry about him eating the entire contents of the breakfast buffet every day, I never worry about other women. This puts his trips into an entirely dfferent light. Cuppa - perhaps you and DH need to discuss this. It may be that is all completely behind him and he could set your mind to rest.

Cuppa I just wanted to say that I hope I haven't upset you or been too presumptive with my post, but it just seemed that it might have been an issue ...

Cuppa, you need to start small, just getting out a bit. Can you do a language class with other people? Is there something social around school? Does the Embassy or Chamber of Commerce organise anything involving spouses? Where are you, by the way.

in brief (only because I'm pushed with time):

DD was a bit of a surprise so i wasn't ready to give up my life. Had no friend with children. I did not want to be a mum, I wanted to be 'me'. I felt I was just a mum with no life while DH's life had not changed one bit. I could not even read a book, let alone go to the pub, shopping etc. I loved my dd (obviously) but felt I had disappeared. DH did not understand (how could he though, you never understand how hard it is till you do it full time).
Anyway went back to work part time when she was 11m and loved it: the time for myself on the tube, reasons to dress nicely, lunches in peace, adult conversations etc. But But life wasn't the same - rush rush rush, work not first on the list by need or want, my job second place to dh's, no time to go out for drink and socialise like before. But I startes feeling better and enjoy the time with my dd as it was special time.

Then I moved to an area where I was able to meet other mums/friends. I started having a life as mum, or better I started feeling that being a mum was being me. (an example I remember saying how happy I was to be on the tube when I went back from mat leave because people would look at me and not know I was a mum - now that I think being a mum is the biggest thing ever I feel sad but that's how it was then). also dd 2 by then and much more 'fun' and less hard work.

Then got pg and work life just collapsed. too tired for it, too far the commute etc. too much on my plate. it started feeling it wasn't worth it. I have been off work for a year and a half now and love it (not every day). I have made lots of new friends (mums are people not just mums, I have realised), got a busy life with activities and love being with the kids. Also I see DH who yes has got time on his own but all he does is going to a job he'd be happy to jack tomorrow to spand every minute with us. He sees his kids for an hour mon to fri and has not got the freedom to do things he wants with his day.

I am not planning to be a SAHM for long. I wantr to work, p/t though, or go back to uni. But to tell you the truth everything will be second or walking alongside caring for my kids.

mainly for me it was a shift on the way I was perceiving the whole thing plus the loneliness I felt at first. Also in my case dh is always here and does not have a glamorous life although I thought he did when I felt stuck at home. Now I do not feel stuuck at home but privileged that I can stay at home.

sorry not that brief after all . hope it made sense and helped somehow.

you are not a crap mum. but I know how you feel because my first MN name was a very similar version to that! That's telling.

You should try to have time without children and to build your circle of friends. How you do that where you are I do not know. It would have been a lot more difficult had I staied where I was I must admit.