.. as a SAHM to be jealous of dh's life and fed up with mine?

[cuppa]

Bit of history - when had 1st dc 10 years ago I hated my job and also really wanted to stay at home & look after him. So at the time I was v. happy with the decision. Part of me still is. I didn't realise how things would pan out ....

In the mean time we have moved a lot due to dh's job, inc to foreign lands where I don't speak the lingo so great, though I try and am going to classes etc.

Like I say we keep moving, so I have to start all over again socially and learning the set up etc. Now I have a toddler and dc finish school at 12 so I feel trapped, plus it's been 10 years since I orked and I have lost all confidence and don't have any idea what I can do or would like to do or anything. Not that I feel it's poissible cos of kids. I also feel any job I got would just be a 'little job' to get a bit of 'pin money' and not worth the hassle, esp as I'm a foreigner here and don't speak the language so well, what would I be able to do anyway? But the with the kids it all just feels unsurmountable.

In the mean time .. dh has got a challenging job which he enjoys. He has to travel away with work sometimes. He's away at the moment, ok working, but also staying in 4* hotel, going out to dinner & bars, while I'm here, doing the cooking, cleaning, ironing, helping with homework.

I sometimes tell him how trapped or miserable I feel or how hard I find it. I am so lonly and fed up of housework. I think he listens, but then last night he again said to me when I expressed a bit of envy at him telling me after a day of workshops he & colleagues had half hour stroll down to lake then dinner in fantastic waterside restaurant blah blah & he gets all arsey with me

"oh here we go, like your life is so shit and I'm not happy if he's enjoying himself and want him to have a crap time"

I try to explain I don't want him to have a crap time, but would like myself to have a bit of a more exciting or nicer time too. There was he with his fab colleagues and fab lake and fab restauarant, and I was up till midnight doing the effing housework. Then 1 of kids poorly and had me up all night. moan moan.

Oh, and he had affair once before, so I feel uneasy anyway about him being way, and last night he was going on about talking to a Bulgarian. I asked the name and he fobbed me off with some nonesence about it being unpronouncable. I felt he was trying to conceal the fact it was a woman and it pissed me off even more.

He thinks I'm just making excuses about work. He's more than happy for me to be SAHM if I want, but I don't see how I could find a job that's worth the unbelieveable aggravation it will cause. He wouldn't be helping with the childcare or the house or the emergencies that crop up. I am pretty busy with all that needs to be done, doctors visits, running the house. I'm just so sick of being lonely and just being a person that enables everyne else to have a nice life.

Oh here we go again, my life's so shit....

so, aibu?

I think you've been given some great advice on here. The only thing I can't emphasise enough is that Litchick is right when she says you have to effect the change. It's no good waiting for someone else to do it, or looking at all the obstacles in the way. You've just got to make that leap and then you'll realise you can do it.

The problem with being in any sort of rut is that you really see all the barriers rather than seeing solutions. You say that you couldn't possibly get a job because you have no family around, and your DH wouldn't be able to help with childcare. Nonsense! You just find another solution. Millions of women are in the same boat. I have no family around and have never been able to rely on DH for childcare while I work- because he works too!!

Start with something small scale and achievable, and think about how you will make it happen. Don't even let yourself think of the barriers. Think of how you will achieve it, and in what time frame. Then you can progress from there.

I'm sure you love your kids and I'm equally sure you're not a crap mum, but you're a bored and frustrated mum, and you all deserve better than that.

yes I agree, great advice.

I used to feel happy being sahm. The affair is significant.

1. I now have doubts & suspicions when dh is away whereas I never did before. So now every time he's away it's doubly stressful - hard work on my own & concerns what he's up to, as well as jealous of his exciting life vs. my mundane one.

1. Affair was with colleague. She had small kids but she worked. I felt v. vunerable as non-working, non-earning sahm.Also suddenly felt like I'd made such a huge mistake, like I'd sacrificed my life for nothing and had no status in anybody's eyes. Maybe I would after so long grow to feel so fed up about being sahm, and affair was just the trigger.

I feel torn now, cos it isn't totally clear cut. My lo is still so young and I still feel now not ready to send him out to nursery or something, not that getting a place would be possible for ages anyway (long waiting lists), so one 1 hand I don't want childcare, but on other hand I'm fed up at being at home. But I would like to work I think with people, not little kids. I crave other adult company.

I would like to feel happy about being sahm, as my reasons for being one are still there underneath it all, but the affair changed forever how I feel about my choice and myself. I guess I feel like a failure, as I'm not even a very good one at that.

Well I am in the same boat as you and I am a stay at home Dad in Germany. I have been bringing up my two small children whilst my wife works and now its summer it is easier. But winter here near the Alps is one long depression. As a bloke doing what is seen in conservative Bavaria as a woman's job I am especially lonely as the women are very friendly but don't want to know me. My self esteem had dropped and Monday morning I was thinking of killing myself. I've been ill recently and lost a lot of weight. I also felt myself to be a complete failure as a father.

January my youngest started kindergarden and it has left me free in the mornings to think about a new start.

I'm now considering teaching English to children using the Helen Doron method. Google Helen Doron - It's a worldwide franchise and I am sure there is a demand for it in your part of the world. I am going to sign up for a teacher training course - 6 days - in July and have a go. You don't need to speak much of the loal language as you are teaching kids English without the need for year long CELTA courses or whatever they are called.

So take care and have a think about that.

cuppa yes I do think as affair would change the total outlook on things as well. I'd immediately start seeing his life as a long laughter and fun time while I am scrubbing the flipping kitchen and screaming over uneaten lunches etc.
there was a time when I felt a bit vulnerable and started imagining thing (which were not there) and felt like a caged animal. Awful. Is your dh supportive of your feelings?

So sorry things are so hard for you. I think I know a little of how you feel - my DH worked abroad, only for 4 1/2 months, but I was so lonely and depressed. He never understood how I felt, however many times I tried to explain; I think partly because what with a job to go to in the day and us to come back to at night he was 'at home'. It must be so much worse when you're there indefinitely and have moved several times in the past.

Anyway, I don't know where you are or how much disposable income you have, but wondered if you'd considered getting an English speaker over to help with childcare? Either a nanny or an au pair. That way you have some freedom to do what you want.

I wouldn't worry if you don't have work to go to immediately - it's been 10 years! Maybe set yourself a target e.g. 'after x months (of the help with the kids and having some time to yourself to think things through) I will have made a plan of what I want to achieve and how I'm going to get there'.

And regarding finding work - I think Maninadirndl's suggestion (or something similar - maths tuition for expats etc etc) is an interesting one, or failing that have you tried offices of UK/US companies in the area? My SIL doesn't speak the language of the country in which she lives but because she has fluent English has had several interviews with global firms.

Or (as someone said earlier) voluntary work might be a possibility? Or a course? I did an OU course recently and although subject-wise it was irrelevant to me returning to work it really helped my confidence, in that at least my brain was still in there somewhere and functioning.

Anyway, sorry I've rambled and hopped around so much but really hope you find some way to start to make things better.

YANBU - where are you living? Are in a place that you can work? My mum was similar to you but there were times we were posted to Islamic countries (Saudi Arabia) and she couldn't work there, but other countries (Hong Kong, Amsterdam etc) she could and did short teaching spells teaching english as a foreign language. This helped her to work, wasn't long hours, could be done a few evenings a month and meant she met new people and got a sense of worth outside of being a mum - can you look into doing a course like this maybe?

Message withdrawn

I second what pitchounette said. I resent the fact I have got no money of my own (yes yes it is OUR money but you know what I mean) and the fact that sometimes it feels that asking for a day without the children is like asking for the world. Because of that I am not planning to be a SAHM for ever. At times it can be good at others not so much, like a job and anything else I guess.

I don't feel like it's a job. Now I feel like it's a total sacrifice, exacerbated by being abroad. I feel like I've knackered any future prospects or chance of any meaningful step after this, whenever this comes to an end, probably years from now.

I can't do my old job. If I change career (to what???) I^l be a 40 something entry level competing with a 20 something. And still have to drop everyting for if& when my family needs me.

No future, no job prospects no pension, no retirement, my life just seems to be nothing right now.

Sorry, I know lots of people have made suggestions and I'm just being negative. I really don't want to teach, I'm no good at it, I don't want to work evenings, I hardly see dh as it is.

Maninadirndl, I'm sorry, actually you sound like you've got it tougher than me. SAHD must be hard or even harder.