to feel exhausted by my ex's inability to put the children first...

[Quadrophenia]

ok will try and make this brief...my ex and i broke up in sept. He met a new girlfriend in feb, who he immediately wanted to meet the kids etc, which I didn't agree with due to the possible impact it may have on them...split quite new etc. It turned out he did it anyway and for a month they kept it secret as he has told them not to tell me or i'd go mad at him..We continued to disagree over the subject, i have no problem with him moving on, really i don't, but at this point and so early on i didn't see why he couldn't spend the little time he has with the children with the children not his girlfriend aswell. Anyway he asked me if she could stop over and I told him i couldn't tell him what to do and that i was fed up of being at loggerheads over it. On that occasion she had been in my twins company for five minutes (aged 9) and he let her take them into town shopping on her own. So they just met her, they were supposed to be with their dad, but she took them off on their own..I am begining to think at this point that he has absolutely no consideration for how difficult this is for them. I have tried very hard to show no hard feelings in front of the children, so when she bought them clothes i made them do me a fashion show etc...Anyway this relationship is now about three and a half months old, and whenever he has the children she is there too, even whne he took them out at lunchtime from school and every over night. I have not tried to influence my children but my son is beginning to say he doesn't want to see his dad when she is there, I told him that perhpas he should tell daddy how he feels (along with shes his new girlfriend etc) but he says he doesn't want to make his daddy sad. I feel really sad that my 7 year old feels emotionally responsible for his father when actually his dad will not recognise the problems the children are facing. I have tried discussing it but he just will not concede, thinks i am bitter etc, when in fact I don't think i could have been more reasonable. How do i make him see that he needs to spoend some time with his kids, not trying to play happy families....am i being unrealistic and consequently unreasonable....would like some honest feedback please

I think that regardless of what he says to you about you being bitterm you should say "look, I'm not bitter, you can shag godzilla for all I care, but the children want to see YOU,not HER, and yes she's very nice and they like her,but they would like to spend some time alone with you"
If he still doesn't see it,then continue to encourage the children to try to make him see this, even if they have to get nasty with new girlfriend,Kids are allowed to say "we dont like you and dont want to go shopping with you, WE WANT OUR DADDY"!!!

Good luck, he sounds like a twunt

xx

Remember dear all men are arseholes. Chickydee has given you some good advice. I like the word twunt, must remember that one.

thanks both of you

next week my ds1 and ds2 are going ona football tour, from monday to friday, being taken by thier dad. They are both looking forward to it, and even when we were together the idea was that they have some boy time...my ds1 tells me tonight that she is alos going and he doesn't want her to....I am not asking questions he is telling me this...I show no reaction so i don't think its because he thinks its what i want to hear.

I am angry because my ex hasn't told me and because yet again it shows that he is putting his needs first. Its one fucking week, 5 nights, why on earth does she need to go.....am boiling over in frustration. Have tried to speak to exp but he says i am telling him what to do, i have tried to tell him I don't care unless it effects the children and as it is then I have the right to inform him of my concerns. He said if she can't go he won't take the boys....what do i do??

anyone???am in need of advice!!!

thanks am feeling ;like a needy numpty

is it time to get this legally sorted??

via solicitors and court if necessary

what a selfish man. the children need him and him alone for now when they are with him,not feeling obliged to be nice to his new girlfriend.she needs to take a step back too,tjey both sound v v selfish

I really, really wanted to avoid going down the legal path but everytime we have argued I have conceded and to the detrement of the kids...even when it went against every intuitive bone in my body..I am beginning to feel i have little option left, he just will not see that he is doing anything wrong at all....this is just me being controlling apparently.

i wouldn't stop them from going, i am just frustrated he doesn't see it from the children's point of view. They don't live together yet, like i say the relationship is only three and a half months old, I think I would be much more accepting if it weren't such early doors. I have met her and been pleasant in front of the kids, I try not to steer conversations round but if the kids voice concerns i feel i should relay this back to him, he should know if they are upset. I just feel so disappointed that he has so little regard for what his kids are going through, it makes me sad

but surely it is detrimental if the children dont want to see her and therefore their dad?

It's a difficult situation, because you don't want to be seen to be interfering in his new life, but the fact is, your children need to spend time alone with their dad, in these circumstances, and he's being completely selfish if he doesn't recognise that. Tell him you think he is doing the wrong thing. Tell him that you think they need to have some time with him that they don't have to share with this new person.

I'm a step-parent. I am always stepping back/going away for a day or a weekend/leaving the room, in order to give my step children time alone with their dad, because it is important.

I think you do have the right to suggest that he spends some time alone with his children, and I think you should do it. I can imagine that he will think you are bitter/annoying/jealous that he has a girlfriend he wants to be with every-second-of-his-bloody-life, but I think you have a duty to remind him of what his responsibilities are, even if he fails to take your points on board.

Sorry if I haven't been very helpful.

Gosh, about eight hundred posts happened in the time it took me to type that.

shineon that is so sad
did you ever think that he would beahve in that way?? I am so disappointed for my kids, they worship their dad, he was a shit partner but always a fab dad..Part of me worries that he will transfer his abusive behaviour into his new relationship and i do not want my kids to see this with someone else, its why i got out so they didn't have to see it any more. i already know that they argue, he has told me that, whether they do it in front of the kids is difficult to know without me asking the children and i don't want to do that.

Mochan your post was very helpful in that it sums up how i feel, I have never told him what to do, only relayed my concerns to which point he then gets angry with me because he doesn't WANT to see it from my point of view. It would mean changing the way he is living his life and he can't or won't do that.

It's so difficult to get through to some people that your concern is about the children, not a selfish one. I really sympathise. How do you normally communicate with him? Are you writing it down or actually speaking to him? Have mental image of him cutting you off in mid-conversation, but it's more likely that you do email, I suppose.

If you're not putting it in writing, I would do that.

Quad - I think I would go down the route of acknowledging that is how the kids feel, telling them you are sorry they feel this way etc etc but that they need to tell their Daddy, that their Daddy is a grown up and if he's upset that is his problem to deal with, they are allowed to feel this way etc... empower them in their relationship with him, stress to them that you can't fix this, but they can and should.

Sorry it's so shite for you and them

thanks
I have come along way and thats why i don't want anyone to think this is about me somehow wanting to be with him, good luck to her, i couldn't do it anymore and i sincerely hopes he treats her better than he did me.

Mochan you are completely right, he puts the phone down on me, he ignores my emails so i have to talk to him.

I know I need to communicate as little as possible, but we have four young children together, it makes it all so hard.