to feel exhausted by my ex's inability to put the children first...

[Quadrophenia]

ok will try and make this brief...my ex and i broke up in sept. He met a new girlfriend in feb, who he immediately wanted to meet the kids etc, which I didn't agree with due to the possible impact it may have on them...split quite new etc. It turned out he did it anyway and for a month they kept it secret as he has told them not to tell me or i'd go mad at him..We continued to disagree over the subject, i have no problem with him moving on, really i don't, but at this point and so early on i didn't see why he couldn't spend the little time he has with the children with the children not his girlfriend aswell. Anyway he asked me if she could stop over and I told him i couldn't tell him what to do and that i was fed up of being at loggerheads over it. On that occasion she had been in my twins company for five minutes (aged 9) and he let her take them into town shopping on her own. So they just met her, they were supposed to be with their dad, but she took them off on their own..I am begining to think at this point that he has absolutely no consideration for how difficult this is for them. I have tried very hard to show no hard feelings in front of the children, so when she bought them clothes i made them do me a fashion show etc...Anyway this relationship is now about three and a half months old, and whenever he has the children she is there too, even whne he took them out at lunchtime from school and every over night. I have not tried to influence my children but my son is beginning to say he doesn't want to see his dad when she is there, I told him that perhpas he should tell daddy how he feels (along with shes his new girlfriend etc) but he says he doesn't want to make his daddy sad. I feel really sad that my 7 year old feels emotionally responsible for his father when actually his dad will not recognise the problems the children are facing. I have tried discussing it but he just will not concede, thinks i am bitter etc, when in fact I don't think i could have been more reasonable. How do i make him see that he needs to spoend some time with his kids, not trying to play happy families....am i being unrealistic and consequently unreasonable....would like some honest feedback please

my son just wants to make him happy chippingin, he will tell him what he wants to hear, its so sad that at his age he feels responsible for his dads emotions but he didn't want me to talk to his dad because he didn't want him to be sad. I think you are right though I guess the main problem lies in the fact they never have any time alone with him and i can't imagine them saying anything in front of her, they are too polite!!

Quad I remember you posting about this before - that things have got worse rather than better.

I would agree with shineon that you probably need to stop raising it with your ex. Talk to him about other aspects of raising the kids - school etc - but leave her out of it altogether. He is probably loving the fact that he's got you all upset, the arse.

thanks ali , yeah i think he probably is, thats the kind of guy he is, but I just can't not tell him whats going on with the kids. It's so difficult i want him to support the children in what they are going through, i am having massive uncharecteristic bahvioural problems at the minute, its just so awful

Quad - it's so difficult isn't it You want your kids to be polite and considerate and you raise them that way.... but sometimes, you'd just love them to tell someone a few home truths!!

I think there comes a point though, where you have to say to the kids that it's OK to upset Daddy a bit if what he is doing is upsetting you. Explain that it's important that their Dad knows they are upset so that their Dad has the opportunity to 'fix it'. It's all hard, but all you can do it keep trying isn't it AND I don't think there is anything wrong with calling a spade a spade, so acknowledging that Daddy is being unfair/unreasonable and could be doing things differently.

I wonder if it would be worth making an ally of the gf and perhaps writing her a really nice letter saying what you've said in your posts.

I quite like zookeeper's idea- although maybe a phonecall would be less formal?

It will all come out in the wash though, don't fret too much...

Quadrophenia, I'm afraid that the only thing you can reasonably do is to reconcile your children with the new girlfriend to reduce possible damage.

I agree that they have to see him on his own, that he shouldn't have introduced them so early, BUT if he is not backtracking on that, taking the children side and trying to convince your ex to move the girlfriend to the side may damage the relationship with him more, and even may result in your children seeing less of their father.

I would take the route that hurts my child less, even if that is to try to convince them that they can still have fun with their dad even if she is around.

And yes, definitively, make an ally of the girlfriend, she is the one who may end up looking after the needs of your children (I know my son is much better cared for now that exH has a girlfriend than he was when he visited his father on his own)

Quad - this is very

You are doing a great job of trying to keep things on an even keel, by the sounds of it - but you are on to a losing battle with your ex.

Your DC will make it apparent soon enough that they are fed up with the gf always being there, although they sound like lovely caring DC, so it might take a while.
His new relationship is still very much in the googlyeyed stage, it might get less intense in a couple of months and your ex might remember that he is a father first - but then again he might not cos he sounds like a selfish wanker on your behalf.

I don't know what would work best - anything you say about how your DC feel would come across as you transferring your thoughts onto them, so unless your DC can say it themselves, things are unlikely to change.

Sorry, I don't think I've helped at all

You are going through exactly what I went through.

Sorry to say this but things don't get any easier...my ex made it clear that the kids had to fit in with HIM. And like yours, they were too scared to say a word to him because they did not feel comfortable with him to be themselves, and they did not want to upsethim/the situation.

Those saying it gets easier...it does not. It went on for 5 long years before my 2 decided that he really was/has been so selfish that they actually decided themselves they do not like him or want to see him.

He is of course, still being selfish. All about how upset HE is. What HE wants.

Only difference now they are older, they are not playing ball. I am just sad it went on for so long.

We have a very similar situation - my DP's children will tell their mum that they want 'dad only' time. Which we give them whenever possible but, they change their tune when they are with us and will admit that they just don't want to upset their mum, and in front of mum, will say they don't want to upset their dad.

It's a very hard situation - I live with my DP and we're having a baby in October. The kids (DSD 11 & DSS 9) were so excited when we told them and immediately found baby name books and we chatted for ages about all the different names etc. Next time we saw their mum she said the children were very unhappy about the new baby, they didn't want to become babysitters and she thinks we're too eager to create this wonderful family dynamic that they just aren't interested in (WTF this is something they complain about with her - she has 2 new babies and no partner and we have tears from my DSD that she doesn't get to go outside and play because she has to help with the babies !)

Children are so keen to please - they do have a little habit of telling us what they think we'd like to hear - what mum really wants to hear that her kids are having a great time with another 'mum' figure ? My DS sees his dad every other weekend and he loves seeing the new girlfriend - and I grin and bear it knowing that I'm his mum and I'll always be just that !

ICantBElieve may have a good point, they sometimes tell you what they think you would like to hear.

My BF's son tells his dad that his mum and NP never play with him, he also bursts into tears (for a better word of having a full blown tantrum) at the sole mention that he has to return to his mum's house on Sunday night, wheter you say it on Friday night or 20 minutes before he is taken back.

His mum has complained to BF about child telling him he has been crying all the weekend when with Daddy (plenty of witnesses he had a great time), he has also said that he is forbidden to get into some areas of the house which he isn't, and many other lies.

I suppose that if doctors, and police have to take a special course on how to interrogate children is due to a very good reason. They may change the story if they think that will make you feel better.