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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have more or less blanked SIL during visit to my mums today. Now I feel great!

32 replies

gabygirl · 16/05/2009 22:40

Two hour visit. She said 'hello' to me when I arrived and I said 'hello' back, but other than that I didn't so much as look at her, let alone talk to her or spend more than 10 seconds in any room that she was in throughout the afternoon.

A bit of history - she's spent the last 15 years not bothering to hide her weary dislike of me and my children and I've busted my butt all these years pretending not to notice. My SIL has never, ever addressed a single comment to my children - she ignores them completely, except to wince and twitch her skirt if they brush against her while she's sitting on the sofa.
In all this time we've never been invited over to their house even though they only live 5 miles away (though they've accepted many invitations to our home in that time).

The last few months I've been depressed and I've found I can't cope with being around her. When I'm feeling mentally healthy I can deal with her not liking me, despite all my attempts to be friendly, interested and hospitable, but recently it's started to really get me down that there's a member of my close family who holds me in contempt for a reason that I'm unable to identify.

So today, for the first time I decided to forgo all my usual attempts to be amenable and just pretend she wasn't there.

And now I feel great and I'm wondering why I didn't do this years ago.

Am I being childish? I'm 43 by the way. Do you think I should be able to rise above it?

OP posts:

nametaken · 16/05/2009 22:43

Am a bit puzzed. If she's spend the last 15 years not hiding her dislike of you and your children, how come you invited her to your home many times.

diedandgonetodevon · 16/05/2009 22:44

It is childish but then so is her behaviour by the sounds of it. I'm impressed you've managed to hold your tongue all this time!

Amanda1977 · 16/05/2009 22:46

What is her problem??? Does she have children of her own?

ReneRusso · 16/05/2009 22:47

YANBU you were civil and said hello which is good enough I think. If you've been making an effort for 15 years surely enough. And it makes you feel better too - definitely the way forward.

FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 22:49

Enough is enough.

Be prepared for the backlash though.

MorrisZapp · 16/05/2009 22:50

You invite her to your house, she comes, but doesn't say a word to your children and openly dislikes you?

Surely some background here. Obviously YANBU to ignore somebody who ignores you.

nametaken · 16/05/2009 22:54

is this AIBU by stealth - will there be more information divulged drip by drip on a need to know basis.

Original poster

gabygirl · 16/05/2009 22:58

"If she's spend the last 15 years not hiding her dislike of you and your children, how come you invited her to your home many times."

Because I love my brother and want to see him and my neice and nephew. I haven't been able to bring myself to phone up and say 'Come over for a barbecue. Oh, but can you leave Lady Macbeth at home....'.

OP posts:

katiestar · 16/05/2009 23:03

God ,you're not me are you !I could have written that post.My SIL is exactly the same

Amanda1977 · 16/05/2009 23:06

So she has children! What is her problem??? I'm a bit funny with other people's children but make an effort for friends and family as hard not to love them!

nametaken · 16/05/2009 23:09

Lady Macbeth goaded her husband into murder. Your brother hasn't murdered anyone has he?

Anyway, if your fed up of trying and you're always the one doing all the work then no, YANBU. It's decent of you to have her round knowing that she doesn't like you. In fact, she's got a cheek coming round you're house, accepting your hospitality, eating your food and drinking your booze and not bothering to hide her dislike of you and your kids.

Are you sure there's no history, nothing in the past you've fallen out over.

Original poster

gabygirl · 16/05/2009 23:16

She's very weird about other people's children. In the past she's been really vicious about her previous childminder's 5 year old daughter. She's talked openly in front of my nephew about wanting to hit this little girl, and called her a 'little cow'.

Oh - and she's a teacher by the way.....

The really sad thing is that my middle ds (5) and her ds (4)get on like a house on fire. They really love each other. We were having a family meal the other day at my mums, and her ds asked her why my ds wasn't coming to his birthday party (my ds hadn't been invited). My SIL just smiled at him and said 'Oh it's too far for .... to come to your party'. I was so tempted to say 'No, it's fine, it'll only take us 20 minutes to drive to yours', but I was too cowardly.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/05/2009 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

gabygirl · 16/05/2009 23:20

"Are you sure there's no history, nothing in the past you've fallen out over"

No. Nothing.

But she hates lots of people, not just me.

OP posts:

ginnny · 16/05/2009 23:36

Are you sure we aren't related?
She sounds just like my SIL.
Tread carefully - you might be giving her ammunition!
I did the same to my SIL after years of putting up with her manipulative and nasty ways.
She turned it back on me and now my brother and I don't speak and I haven't seen my neice or nephew for 2 years.
So tread carefully! Don't give her any ammunition to use against you.

TheCrackFox · 16/05/2009 23:46

YANBU

It is liberating being rude to people who have been a knobend for years.

Keep up the good work.

BottySpottom · 16/05/2009 23:47

Gosh, I'm another one sharing a SIL with you. People like this are hard to deal with because they are 'madder' than you and I, and therefore hold all the control. I would play it neutral if I were you ... good luck and well done to you.

KiwiKat · 16/05/2009 23:56

Does your brother know she's so horrible? Or has it escaped his attention?

staylucky · 17/05/2009 02:48

Is it possible that she's just a bit awkward? I mean 15 years is a long time in breaking the ice like but your brother must love her for a reason??

I was with my DD1's dad for 7 years and really never properly got to know his family cause I was quite young and very shy. For some reason though it was taken by his sister that I was a miserable cow because I wasn't the life and soul like she was. Perceptions are sometimes maddening though and I think alot of shy people have been labelled stand offish and arrogant sometimes.

SOme people are just v hard work though and if ignoring her made you feel better and she doen't seem upset by it then maybe next visit he might just decide to leave her home!

Original poster

gabygirl · 17/05/2009 07:45

KiwiKat, my brother knows. Actually it's affected my relationship with him because I think if he really cared about my feelings he would have invited me over whether she liked it or not. After all, it's his home too. My dh has three sisters who he's very loyal to. He'd never agree to not to invite them around just because I didn't like them.

I could understand if SIL and I had had a falling out over something or if I'd behaved badly towards her, but this hasn't happened - it's really an just an issue of her taking a personal dislike to me because of my values and my background. I think at the heart of her dislike is a contempt for the fact that I have never worked full-time since having my dc's. We met at university (actually it was me who introduced her to my brother, who I was sharing a house with at the time). She has done really well in her career - she's an experienced secondary school teacher and earns a good salary. I on the other hand have only ever worked part time in fairly crappy teaching jobs - but I'm happy in my work, whereas she's stressed out and knackered all the time, and moans constantly about the children she teaches - she really hates them. Every time I've seen her for the past few years she's asked me when I'm going back to work full-time, and talks constantly about money and how little they've got (actually her and db have a combined income of about 95K a year, but they have a big mortgage because she insisted on buying a house in a very expensive part of London, and they also spend about £400 a month in Carluccios and Starbucks, so always feel skint). DH and I live in a scruffy house in a shitty area, which SIL really despises as it's full of people she describes as 'scumbags' - basically anyone in a baseball cap/hoodie. She thinks it's fine to bad mouth everyone who fits this description as she herself comes from a big council estate in Salford - has escaped a difficult background by dint of her own hard work. I on the other hand come from a very nice middle-class background and had lots of advantages as I was growing up. I think at the heart of her dislike of me is that we have very different values - I'm really not that interested in the trappings of success, not enough to shackle myself to a job I hate anyway, or to give up spending time with my children so that I can earn more.

I've always admired her determination and her grit, and have taken an interest in her work over the years. I sometimes wonder if she despised me more for having been so nice to her all this time. It's really affected my self esteem that someone I admire in many ways, who I've been really nice to just thinks I'm a pile of shite, to the point where she hasn't been able to behave in a civilised way towards me, even in my own family home. The only thing I take comfort from is the fact that she's got form when it comes to bullying and being mean-sprited towards people. Her neighbor childminded her son full time for nearly 2 years, then told her she wasn't able to continue as she was overwhelmed by her own family commitments and issues (she had two children of her own, and had several other difficult pregnancies). My SIL started to blank her in the street after she stopped childminding for her - deliberately crossing the road when she saw her coming with her new baby in the pram and not congratulating her on the birth. And this was a baby born after two mid pregnancy mc's. The childminder and her husband had considered themselves family friends to my db and sil - they'd socialised together up until the time my SIL had decided she hated her. The childminder approached my brother when she bumped into him while out one day and really cried, asking what she had done to offend my SIL, asked why SIL was snubbing her. My db said he was really embarrassed and didn't know what to say. TBH that sort of behaviour is so mean spirited it's almost bonkers.

Thecrackfox - it really is liberating isn't it!

OP posts:

saadia · 17/05/2009 08:20

gabygirl, your SIL does sound as though she has problems. IMO you can either continue to blank her or try and talk it through with her, although from what you say she does sound hideously unapproachable.

Have you ever broached the subject with your db?

Longtalljosie · 17/05/2009 08:46

"I sometimes wonder if she despised me more for having been so nice to her all this time."

That's quite possible. If she has low self-esteem (and if she feels the need to condemn everyone and everything, that's quite possible) then she'll be the sort who is unpleasant to anyone who wants her to like them.

Tell your brother that you're sad for your respective DCs that you and SIL don't get on - but say it's up to her now. That should head off any bitching from her and keep your relationship with your brother intact.

And then try this - I've used it quite effectively on colleagues in the past - sad it has to be a relative, but...

Only give slightly less than she does. If she smiles at you - smile back, one notch lower. If she says anything polite, be polite back. If she offers to visit, say that would be lovely. But don't spontaneously give her a damn thing. You've done it for years. Her turn to come to you.

It's surprisingly effective.

MadameCastafiore · 17/05/2009 08:52

I would not even dream of ringing or speaking to her or my brother for that matter and if he asked what was going on I would tell him that I couldn't give a shit what sort of problems his wife has but she needs to start being adult and polite and acknowledging the fact that I an there and so are my children and if she so much as flinched if my kids touched her I would personally drag her out of my house by the scruff of her neck.

How dare she - and how dare he let her behave like this and you put up with it - if he gives that much of a shit about you he would make her at least be polite and not show putward feelings of disgust or repulsion at your children brushing against her - I am cross for you and would come and give her a bloody piece of my mind if I could.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 17/05/2009 08:55

I'm thinking of doing this with my own sister. I've spent 30 years being nice and smiley and friendly, being the one always to get in contact, remember birthdays etc, only for complete indifference in return, worse at times (a whole other thread!).....

Fed up of it now! I'm going to try longtalljosie's approach to give slightly less.

Morloth · 17/05/2009 09:27

It is possible that she just doesn't like you. That doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either of you, just that you do not get on.

Honestly, your brother is a big boy and has obviously decided that his wife is more important to him in this situation.

Be civil if you run into her, but I wouldn't bother with any further effort to see them.

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