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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my foot down and say no?

38 replies

feelingsillyandfoolish · 16/05/2009 17:09

Have name changed as I am feeling guilty and a bit stupid about the whole situation now!

The two boys (18 and 14) asked for a lift to a driving range in the next town. There is two good ones in the town we live in where they could bike to but apparently they needed to go this one as it was 'better'. (even though it's more expensive and I was giving them the money to go!)

I said no I wasn't going to take them to the one they wanted to go to as it was too expensive and I'd have to drive them. ( I was also in the middle of cooking so would have had to turn everything off to take them )

They asked and asked for about 10 mins (probably longer) and I said No, had explained why and put my foot down. They went on and on to the point where I felt both cross and upset that they couldn't take no for an answer. Plus, eldest said the only reason I wasn't taking them was because I ?Couldn't be ar*ed? even though they could see me cooking.

Embarrassing to admit now but I cried as felt so worn down by them and felt like a crap mum as I said no and was still being treated like a doormat. After they both saw me crying they agreed to go to one in our town but then I felt guilty so stopped my cooking and took them anyway as I felt mean for not doing it in the first place.

I could have stopped my cooking and given the extra money (which I did in the end anyway) but didn't want to so said No.

Would really like some perspective on this and am now thinking I was BU to say no in the first place?

OP posts:

MarlaSinger · 16/05/2009 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrankMustard · 16/05/2009 17:12

YANBU in my opinion.
You had a fair point and sounds like maybe them going on and on about it has worn you down a bit and now you doubt your decision based on that rather than on the original reasons you turned them down.
They could easily go to the other place at a time that's easier for you - not when you're in the middle of cooking and not by using you as a taxi when you're trying to do something else!

MarlaSinger · 16/05/2009 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 16/05/2009 17:12

Jeez, they treat you like shit.Unfortunately it doesn't seem surprising as they have obviously learnty that this is the way to get what they want.
They both need a boot up the arse, and so do you frankly.

Springfleurs · 16/05/2009 17:13

YAsoNBU! I certainly would not have given in and taken them and if they had carried on nagging me I would have refused to give them money for either one.

At those ages they are old enough to have consideration.

I don't know, maybe I am just selfish or a bit too hard on him but if my six year old performed and nagged me and was that inconsiderate I would cancel an outing for him too.

Mamazon · 16/05/2009 17:15

not only would i have continued to say no but i wouldn't have given them the money for the cheaper local driving range either.

how very dare they!

alicet · 16/05/2009 17:15

You had good reasons for saying no - even if it might not have seemed so to them they should have sucked it up.

They then behaved like toddlers rather than young men.

To my mind your only mistake (if it can be called that) was giving in to your guilt and taking them as they had done nothing to deserve it.

I am not so perfect though so I am certainly not criticising you - just backing you up that you had reasonable reasons for saying no in the first place

Lulumama · 16/05/2009 17:17

you were not unreasonable to say no
but i take it you don;t say no often and when you do , you often back down

at 14 , i was quite capable of getting on a bus to get where i wanted to ,and did not rely on my parents to take me places, though they often did, but not at the expense of their own plans.

would not have dreamt of asking my mum to stop what she was doing and demand to be taken somewhere

the more often you let them wear you down and give in , teh more they will harangue you when you do say no

at their age they need to start getting some idea of the real world

will they want you to take them to work ??

Pamboli · 16/05/2009 17:19

YABVU... in taking them to their preffered driving range and even giving them more money after they showed no consideration whatsoever to you being doing something that in the end was for their own good (yes... food!). You are not helping yourself and decidedly you are not helping them either... it is not healthy not to show respect to other people or bully them into things they don't want/can't do.

piscesmoon · 16/05/2009 17:20

YANBU. You gave very good reasons and that should have been enough.

Original poster

feelingsillyandfoolish · 16/05/2009 17:41

Thanks for your responses. Am glad i wasn't being unreasonable to say no but admittedly i am weak when it comes to the boys and give in as their dad is very strict when he's here and never gives in.

Any tips on what i can do next time they nag me for a lift somewhere? I know crying was foolish and I feel silly for crying now but at the time I just felt so defeated and guilty.

OP posts:

smudgethepuppydog · 16/05/2009 18:00

Next time say no, mean no and stick to no. It was unreasonable of them to keep asking once you'd said no (especially the 18yo) and I suspect the reason that they did was because they knew that they could force your arm like this.

smudgethepuppydog · 16/05/2009 18:00

Worldsworstmummy · 16/05/2009 18:01

18 is virtually a grown man. He needs to take responsibility for his life, and earn his own money to pay for treats like this. He really needs to start growing up. At his age I lived independently and worked to support myself, I can't imagine having the gall to demand pocket money and lifts off my parents and then get stroppy when its not available.

You do need to toughen up love,and draw some lines in the sand. else he'll think its completely reasonable to reduce someone to tears under his demands.

14 year old sounds like he is taking his cue from his older brother. And 14 year olds are notoriously narcissistic.

And actually, why should you be a*sed to do them a favour when they are being ungrateful and bullying? I certainly wouldn't be.

Remember its their behaviour you don't like not them. You are not telling them you don't love them, just their behaviour.

BecauseImWorthIt · 16/05/2009 18:11

Raise your voice slightly (not so that you're shouting, just so that you sound definite) and say "no, I'm not taking you because I'm ......". Then ignore them.

ingles2 · 16/05/2009 18:21

YANBU at all! !
18 is a grown man and many live independently at uni or are working by now.
You mustn't let them bully you into doing something that isn't convenient. You wouldn't let another adult treat you like that and you are not doing them any favours.
Have you tried laughing it off when they ask? You know...
mum, can you take me to the driving range?...
ha ha you're joking with me aren't you. I'm cooking dinner etc etc... At your age I'm sure you can get yourself to golf.
no,... can you take me...
It really isn't possible today unless you do xy&z for me so I've got time

pocketmonster · 16/05/2009 18:28

You should say 'That's right I can't be a*sd so stop nagging because I'm not going to change my mind, except perhaps to withdraw my original offer of paying for you in the first place - now go away!' Which is what I would say to DSD 18 if she tried to pull a trick like that!

pocketmonster · 16/05/2009 18:30

Oh, and then no further discussion about it, and if they push it give them a 'look' and then disappear to the loo or somewhere for 10 mins!

jenwyn · 16/05/2009 18:30

YANBU

I would tell them (when you collect them) that this was the last time you will do as they say. They are not little children and could manage to get themselves to Ibiza no doubt if they so wished -so they can get themselves to a local driving range on a bike.

Unless their dad is actually abusive to them neither do you have to mitigate his firmness. This is actually what they need and you are not helping them develop properly as responsible men.

No more babying of them

3littlefrogs · 16/05/2009 18:39

Good grief. They should have gone on the bus. End of.

You are their mother, not a servant.

Kimi · 16/05/2009 18:58

The only thing you ABU for is taking the rude disrespectful little sods anywhere after you said no.

As you were paying anyway they should have been thankful to you for treating them in the first place, the only place my children would be going if they spoke to me like that would be their rooms.

Kimi · 16/05/2009 19:00

I don't suppose you will tell their dad what shits they have been to you, sounds like he would have something to say (and something needs saying)

qwertpoiuy · 16/05/2009 19:16

YANBU

I lived out in the country, and my parents used the car as little as possible. We took our bicycles everywhere. We would certainly never have been driven somewhere like where you describe, never mind be given the money for it.
I did 2 weeks work experience in a hospital that was 10 miles from my house and I had to cycle there and back every day - it took nearly an hour each way.

Your lads need a reality check, fuel is expensive and money doesn't grow on trees.

PigeonPair · 16/05/2009 19:17

I think you should sit down with them tomorrow or when the dust has settled and tell them very seriously that you will not accept that behaviour again, and that you did not appreciate their attitude etc. I think they will probably be quite shocked that "good old mum" is still upset about the whole thing. It might have an impact on them!!

Original poster

feelingsillyandfoolish · 17/05/2009 08:43

thanks for your help everyone

OP posts:

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