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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

different expectations from a friend

34 replies

susia · 14/05/2009 22:11

Hi
I have an old friend who lives a couple of hours from me and my DD and has a DD a year or so younger.

I don't see her often but we usually stay with each other a couple of times a year.

It is actually quite difficult when we meet up for several reasons.

Firstly our children don't get on (they are 5 and 4) and my DD is into more mature activities and isn't very nice to her DD who she finds irritating, I think because her DD screeches alot.

Anyway, the main problem is that whenever I see my friend she wants to do full on activity from the moment she arrives to the time she leaves and the same when we are with her. I am a single parent and work four days a week so I find this to be honest quite exhausting and much as I love seeing my friend would just love to chill out with her and wish the kids would get on better.

I also think that rushing from a long hike, to a museum trip, to a swim etc for 48 hours makes them more fractious but I could be wrong.

Recently my friend asked if she could stay but had a list of things she wanted us to do when she stayed and this actually really irritated me. I feel that if you have someone to stay you make an effort to entertain them but that what you do shouldn't have already been decided by the guest. For example, she said she wanted to visit this castle that is about an hour and a half from our house and pretty costly.

We did have a chat about this - I said I would just like to relax a bit with her and do local things round here. I think one of her issues is that her DD is overweight and my friend has concerns that therefore she needs to be very active. I think also she feels they would be better behaved if they are busy but I don't this is the case.

So how do we resolve this? AIBU in thinking that you don't invite yourself to stay with someone and have a plan of things you want to do while you are there? (one things she wants to do is to go to a park a few miles from us which someone had told her was good but in fact is just a flat piece of land and not exciting at all but not interested when I suggest a really good park round the corner).

OP posts:
Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:13

.

OP posts:
nametaken · 14/05/2009 22:18

Well, if you have a week-end visit together, what's wrong with having one day for going out and one day for staying in. And on the going out day, take turns to choose what to do. It's easily resolvable provided both of you are prepared to compromise and behave like mature adults easier said than done sometimes.

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:18

She is a good friend and I don't want to stop seeing her but my problem is that I don't want to come away from a weekend completely shattered!

OP posts:
Molesworth · 14/05/2009 22:20

YANBU - I think your friend is being ill-mannered. I'd just tell her straight out that the non-stop activities are too exhausting for you and your dd and that if she's desperate to go to this castle, she and her dd can go by themselves!

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:20

nametaken because that's not what she wants to do...honestly last time I saw her we went for about a 5 mile hike, which with children of that age is not easy, followed by a long swim and followed by a meal out with the kids.

She just doesn't like to be inactive and by that I mean a short walk to local park, lunch, maybe something in the afternoon...

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:22

Molesworth, in the last conversation on the phone I did say that. I said I just find it too tiring as it would involve a 3 hour drive and is expensive for me as well.

OP posts:
newgirl · 14/05/2009 22:23

i would love my mates to come up with things to do - i always feel i am the one suggesting things

i imagine she suggests things so everyone is entertained and so the kids get on well - if you all in the house a lot they might have more to bicker about

funny isnt it - she sounds great to me, and i bet i have mates who think i try and do too much! as you dont see each other that much id go with it a bit - have a two way conversation though and say eg good idea about the park but that ones not that nice - how about this one instead etc etc

PfftTheMagicDragon · 14/05/2009 22:23

Well, I think YANBU in not wanting to do things all the time but is it possible that this behaviour of hers has developed from sitting and doing nothing every time she comes to you? We have this when we visit one set of relatives and it's very dull, they plan nothing and we are expected to just sit on the sofa for a few days.

nametaken · 14/05/2009 22:25

I know that's not what she wants to do. That's why I said you both have to compromise. So that both of you can have a little of what you like rather than one person having everything they like and the other person having nothing they like.

Have you actually asked her? I don't see how she can refuse it's a reasonable request IMO.

Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with a walk and a swim and a meal out. The walk and swim are very cheap and in an earlier post you were complaining that the places she wanted to visit were expensive.

What would YOU like to do, just out of interest, if you could plan the week-end exactly the way you want, how would it go?

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:25

no, I don't have a problem with her DD, I have no problem with her being overweight but she is and the problem I think being that my friend is an ex anorexic and therefore very keen on physical activity for her.

In terms of screeching and less mature than my DD, what I mean is that my DD is brought up by just me and is as is sometimes the case with only children, a bit of a loner at times, likes to play alone etc. Her DD being younger, likes to play and make more noise. That's all.

It's unfortunate but our kids don't get on great but I hope this may change over time.

OP posts:
Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:29

We haven't had a weekend of just sitting about!

I suppose when I visit people I might have an idea of what I'd like to do and discuss with them but on the whole I'd let them decide on what we do.

This is what I'd think in reverse, that I would have thought out things for us to do. For example, I am a short (20 minute walk) from a local farm where there is a cafe and playground and often go there with friends. I would think something like this would be a good thing to do instead of driving a long way to go somewhere.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 14/05/2009 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:32

also I know the walk, swim, meal out sounded ok but the walk was very long with 2 young children (took about 4 hours!), the swim took us till about 8pm - in the sea and the meal out till 10pm, then we all got up at 6!

maybe it is me, I don't know. I find being a single parent and working four days a week tiring anyway and like to do relaxing things at the weekend as does my DD who is in the afterschool club 4 evenings a week.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 14/05/2009 22:33

What did your friend say when you told her you'd find the castle trip too tiring?

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:33

yeah, I have suggested more chilled out things but in our most recent conversation and I dont think she was impressed!

OP posts:
Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:36

she said what I said about how she likes to do stuff, that she thought the kids wouldn't fight if they were busy etc.

She could be right but I think constant rushing certainly makes my DD more fractious.

OP posts:
nametaken · 14/05/2009 22:38

Well it's horses for courses.

I'd love a friend like that, if you only see her a couple of times a year how can it be tiring. You can chill out the other 50 week-ends of the year when you don't see her.

YABU.

Molesworth · 14/05/2009 22:39

I'd be pretty pissed off in your shoes. You might have to just be blunt with her about this.

Curiousmama · 14/05/2009 22:39

Do you think you've grown apart? It can happen.
I like to explore but agree with you this walk is too much if you're not used to it, doesn't her dd whine walking so far?

paisleyleaf · 14/05/2009 22:42

yanbu
and the DDs aren't going to get on so great if they're frazzled either.

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:43

they both whined on the walk! hope we can stay friends. I suppose it's not just the full on activity, its also having a pre planned agenda when someone is having you to stay.

OP posts:
MollieO · 14/05/2009 22:44

i don't think an age difference of one year at that age actually amounts to anything. A 4 yr old can be more mature than a 5 yr old, it depends on the child.

It sounds as if you would be better off doing things together without your dcs if the relationship between your dcs is a cause of friction. It does sound as if you don't like your friend's dd too. Ime all children at that age have their 'screechy' moments.

RUNFORLOVE · 14/05/2009 22:47

I'm always on the go, i have two friends who always say to me that they don't want to do the activities i would have planned for them. they say they just want to see me and relax together for a catch up. i like their honesty and that way we're all happy. its nice to be made to slow down.

tell your friend x

Original poster
susia · 14/05/2009 22:48

no really I don't have a problem with her DD and my DD can definately be annoying but in a different way. My DD can be intraverted but not really screechy and can be sulky. I can see that they aren't hitting it off due to different personality types...but I think my DD also prefers older children as they sometimes do.

Its not really possible though to see each other without the children as I am with my DD all the time, so it isn't really going to happen.

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