different expectations from a friend

[susia]

Hi
I have an old friend who lives a couple of hours from me and my DD and has a DD a year or so younger.

I don't see her often but we usually stay with each other a couple of times a year.

It is actually quite difficult when we meet up for several reasons.

Firstly our children don't get on (they are 5 and 4) and my DD is into more mature activities and isn't very nice to her DD who she finds irritating, I think because her DD screeches alot.

Anyway, the main problem is that whenever I see my friend she wants to do full on activity from the moment she arrives to the time she leaves and the same when we are with her. I am a single parent and work four days a week so I find this to be honest quite exhausting and much as I love seeing my friend would just love to chill out with her and wish the kids would get on better.

I also think that rushing from a long hike, to a museum trip, to a swim etc for 48 hours makes them more fractious but I could be wrong.

Recently my friend asked if she could stay but had a list of things she wanted us to do when she stayed and this actually really irritated me. I feel that if you have someone to stay you make an effort to entertain them but that what you do shouldn't have already been decided by the guest. For example, she said she wanted to visit this castle that is about an hour and a half from our house and pretty costly.

We did have a chat about this - I said I would just like to relax a bit with her and do local things round here. I think one of her issues is that her DD is overweight and my friend has concerns that therefore she needs to be very active. I think also she feels they would be better behaved if they are busy but I don't this is the case.

So how do we resolve this? AIBU in thinking that you don't invite yourself to stay with someone and have a plan of things you want to do while you are there? (one things she wants to do is to go to a park a few miles from us which someone had told her was good but in fact is just a flat piece of land and not exciting at all but not interested when I suggest a really good park round the corner).

if your children don't get on thast well, what about a night or 2 away just the two of you?

I dunno, theatre or film, nice girly meal with some wine and good chat, then a cheap B&B somewhere between both of you.

It's probably not much fun for the kids

because I haven't had a night away on my own since my DD was born! I don't have that opportunity unfortunately.

when i go away somewhere i like to see whats going on in that area so maybe she feels like that?

it does sound like you not hugely similar but one idea would be that you agree on one activity say in the morning, and then relax rest of the afternoon? perhaps a dvd for the kids so they give you time to relax?

susia from what you've said in this post, no, YANBU.

Your friend does sound quite pushy/aggressive, imho. (Again, purely going on what you've said).

Can you push the local farm idea a bit more?

Susia, yanbu. I think that all this overactivity of your friends is linked to her former anorexia, a common way of trying to prevent weight gain. I think it has become a bit extreme, as she is desperately trying to get her child to lose weight. Seriously, a 4hr walk, swimming until 8pm and a late meal, were both the children still up at 10pm? At 4 and 5 yrs old? No, I wouldn't be happy about this either. A list of suggestions of things to do is fine but she mustn't insist that you all do them, particularly if she is staying with you.

It sounds as though, the older the children get, the more they will object to thrown together and made to put up with it. Could you meet up halfway between your homes just for a day? Then you get to have more of a rest. If you can't find a solution which pleases everyone, you may need to re-evaluate this friendship, especially if you no longer get anything positive from it.

Your friend sounds like me. I hate sitting about the house, I always need to have something on the go. Some people describe me as exhausting and I know my parents get a bit worn down when I'm away with them but it's just the way I am.

I agree with girlwhirly..

A compromise might be that you are back to your house to give the kids their tea then have a takeaway and girls night in... This seems reasonable. Such young kids out till 10pm when you want some r & r doesn´t seem a good idea to me and is definitely not good for the them.

sorry, i think yab a bit u

the castle could be a lot of fun, even if it is expensive, especially if you live significantly nearer - i mean, when else is she going to get to go?

and i kind of agree that it might be better for the children to be occupied if they don't get on especially well.

but there is a middle ground between slobbing chilling out and rushing around. couldn't you go to the castle one day and the farm the next?

I do sympathise with you, Susia! I had a friend who sounds a lot like yours when our two dd's were babies/toddlers. I worked part time and did activities with my dd, toddler groups and trampolining, etc, enjoyed meeting up with friends at other times once or twice a week, but also relished time spent with just me and my dd sometimes.

She was always on the phone to me though, wanting me to do this, that and the other, telling me about college open days (that I had no intention of going to!), saying she'd already organised somebody to look after both our dd's so we could do them!

If we went swimming in the morning I'd have mentally set aside the rest of the day just for me and dd, but then it would be, "What are you doing this afternoon, we could go here/there etc!" A morning swimming would certainly have been enough for my dd and if I made excuses/didn't seem keen afterwards she wouldn't take no for an answer!

In the end I started being deliberately non-committal and didn't always return her calls, I think she got the hint! You could always try this, unless you actually want to spend these weekends with her.

I do see my friend now, but only occasionally as our dd's have different friends and interests years on, I enjoy the friendship more now though as it's not so intense!!