to try and railroad my husband into having a baby no 3?

[malvern]

Tonight's the night we've scheduled a 'sit-down' to try and come to a solution about having a third child.

The background to me wanting a third child is undeniably that I would like to try for a girl. I would love a daughter.

However, the reality of wanting a third child is my desire to move on with our lives. My need to have a 3rd baby won?t go away. 5-10 years down the line I'm still going to be thinking about having a 3rd baby (I'll be too old by then) I spend most my waking hours now thinking about a 3rd baby.

Whatever the sex of baby no 3, my honest feeling would be of utter joy that my life was complete and that our lives would move on as a family. (I would never contemplate more than 3).

My husband doesn't want any more children. He rightfully thinks we are lucky with our lot and thinks two is a manageable number.

I was poised to tonight try and talk/railroad him into having a No.3 But this morning I'm wondering whether I'm right to fight for this or am I being too selfish to try and push him into something this important. Has anyone been through this? What was the outcome?

The thing is as desperately as you yearn for baby number 3, he doesn't want it. And you know a baby shouldn't be something you 'railroad' somebody into having.

Why doesn't he want more? Is there a reason? Or several?

Other way round here. I don't want anymore, dh desperately does.

My husband and I had a similar issue with the move from 1 to 2. We ended up going to Relate about it.

I won't lie, it's not easy: it absolutely should be a decision shared between a couple, and no matter how strongly you feel, you should be aware that your husband may feel equally strongly the same way. What if he were to say to you, five years down the line that he still feels his life would have been better with only two children?

I don't think you're being selfish - but you'll need to think hard about whether there are practical steps you can take to neutralise his fears and whether those practical steps are acceptable to you.

We went on to have child no 2, btw, so it's not a hopeless case, but I had to give DH a great deal of time and space to come to terms with the idea...railroading would not have worked for him.

I told DH that I would never regret having another child but I would always regret NOT having one iyswim, that seemed to make him understand what I meant by my desire for another child, DC3 is now 9months

"my honest feeling would be of utter joy that my life was complete and that our lives would move on as a family"

How do you know? Isn't there a chance that you would decide to draw the line at 4, or 5?

Both your feeling matter equally. Sorry but you'd be wrong.

I took a year to talk DH into having number 3. I'm now 3 months pregnant. He wasn't totally against it but was happy with our 'lot' (we've got one of each). But, like you, I knew I really wanted that third child to make me feel complete - sorry if that sounds naff but that's really how I felt!

He agreed to try eventually when he realised how desperate I was and, as he didn't really mind either way, we agreed that we would try but if I wasn't pregnant by September then we'd give up and get on with our lives.

It's got to be a decision made by both of you but don't give up!! DH is over the moon that I'm pregnant now and is now says he agrees that one more will complete our family.

GOOD LUCK!!

i think you need to discuss your husbands reasons for not wanting a rd child. his reasons are as valid as yours are for wanting a 3rd. this isnt something to be guilted into doing. if he realy doesnt want a 3rd child you will be risking your relationship by doing so. it has to be a joint decision.

Thanks for your comments, I think you may have saved me from making a complete c*ck up of this tonight. Dizzydixies that is a great way to sum it up!

His reasons for not wanting more are that he thinks two make for a happier life. Two hands to hold, no-one being missed out.

I think as the boys grow they won't want to hold our hands and will run off together to get into trouble rather than being as dependent on us as they are the moment. (3.5 and 1.5)

Also he worries about the financials, new car, more expense on holidays. Which is do-able for us but will mean we have to scale things back a bit.

also, i think the fact that you used the term railroad in your title shows that you know what you would be doing.

Yep, been in your situation, and sometimes I still feel that way. It's a b*gger. But you should not railroad your partner (and how would you do that anyway?) into doing something he's not comfortable with. How would you like it if it was the other way around?

You may not always feel this way. And if you did have dc3 and it was a boy, would you then try to railroad dh into trying to have a girl and therefore a 4th child ...?

It's not an easy situation, and I think you probably need some counselling if you feel this strongly. Imagine how your children would feel, 10 years down the line, to overhear you saying to your dh "I have never felt that our family is complete without a 3rd child." Cue years and years of counselling for your dcs. (And no, having the 3rd child is NOT the solution to that particular hypothetical!).

Ah, interesting to see the ages of your boys in your last post malvern. I'm sure that has something to do with it; you've given birth twice in 3 years and your body really wants to do it again ..

Shoot me down in flames if that sounds patronising, it wasn't meant to

YABU because if you don't have one it will make you miserable if you railroad him it could make everybody miserable.

malvern, I will warn you that I had ds1 and ds2, really wanted a dd and talked dh into it. I too said I would definitely stop at 3 but when ds3 came along, the desire for a dd didn't go away. We now have ds4! and if dh would agree, I would try again like a shot! And one of my neighbours has just had her fifth boy!
So this trying for a girl can get a tad addictive!

I don't agree that it will make everyone miserable. Our "railroad" ds3 and ds4 are much-loved by dh, ds1 and ds2, althought dh would have happily stopped at two. I actually suspect that ds3 is his favourite, though he wouldn't admit to having one!

Malvern, you could be me!!!

I have 2 ds who are 6 & 4.5 who i adore. But i've always wanted 3 (even b4 i had my first child), and yes it'd be great for it to be a pink one, but if it was a boy i'm def. sure i would not want anymore.

Dh, like yours is dead set against it and i have been nagging for 2.5 year, i've tried all the things, crying, coming off the pill (he did know!), saying that i'd always regret it etc etc. but nothing would work with him. Main reason is financial. Dh grew up with nothing (love or material) and is determined that this won't be happening with our 2.

I never thought i'd say it, but i've kind of given up and am starting to see his point really. I know a few people who have are skintish with 3 kids, can't afford to go out for the odd meal, no days out, no activities etc and i know that if i have another that will set us back another 4 years until i can work again.

So although it's not all about material things, you do have to be realistic. 3 pairs of school shoes, 3 lots of uniform, party clothes, whellie boots etc. So, i'm now thinking, "why put dh under more pressure" - i just hope i don't regret it!

Also, please don't think that because you have boys you won't be close to them. I know lots of girls who are not close to their mums. You have to work at it. Good luck

No chipmonkey i agree the children will love the baby but i know that if i railroaded DH into a 3rd it could be detrimental to our relationship which could effect everyone. Having a newbaby is stressful enough with out any guilt/blame thrown in.

I would say discuss the matter and see how strongly he objects to dc3. It may be that he just wouldn't have optionally chose to have a third. I wanted three but when I listened to my dp reasons for wanting to stop at 2 I realised that his reasons were much more important than mine and I am happily awaiting dc2 and then my dp is going to be sterilised which I am not a bit sad about now.

I think YABU to "railroad" him into another baby, or to try too. How would you feel if he did the same thing?

I think having another baby really has to be a joint decision.

I wanted another baby, DH didn't, he got his way as his argument was better than mine. It doesn't stop me wishing I had more children but I do know he was right to say no more.

I think yabu to think of railroading him.
I can understand how you feel though, I knew the minute ds1 was born that I wanted another, yet when ds2 was born I just knew that was my family completed and i've never even thought of having another.

However, a male colleague of mine from some years ago was one day moaning about his wife. We joked and said 'well why did you marry her then?' 'because she was pregnant'. So, trying to salvage something out of the conversation, I said yes but you have a (younger) daughter too so she wasn't the reason for being married, she must have been wanted and planned yes?

His reply was 'not by me she wasn't' and then sort of went off on one saying that he was adamant he didn't want a 2nd child but his wife one day said she was pregnant and claimed to have forgotten to take a pill.

Now this was a man who when he spoke of his children his face used to light up.

But the way he spoke about his wife that day it was very obvious that even though the child was 15 at the time of this conversation, he had never forgiven his wife for as he saw it deliberately not taking her pill so that she became pregnant.

(yes I know he should have had the snip but thats another thread).

So beware if you railroad him or 'accidentally' become pregnant, he may love the child but he will always think you tricked him and can your relationship handle that?

Hi, the reason you give for wanting to have DC3 is the very reason I would not try for a third - how can you be sure that if you don't get a girl you won't be disappointed?

YANBU to try your best to persuade your

husband on this matter. You have every right

to fight for something that matters SO MUCH

to you. You're 'desperate' to have a third child,

if you don't , you are very likely to regret

it in future, you may not able to supress the

feeling of bitterness towards your husband, it

would eat away at your marriage. This is a

reasonably likely scenario.

On the other hand, if you have a baby you

desire, fast forward to the birth, is your

husband really going to look at that child

and think, I wish we didn't have you and

feel bitter. Very unlikely. He will probably be most smitten.

You do have to accept though, and it seems

you do, that there is a very realistic

chance you will have a third boy. I myself

have three boys and now think it's fantastic

but the initial disappointment was very

painful indeed. I must stress here that it

was only to do with wanting to experience

the other sex, as I always found boys

fantastic. I feel so happy and blessed now

that I get to experience being a mum to a

boy , which I love , three times over! Now

the two older ones are teenagers and I LOVE

to be mum to teenage boys, they are

brilliant fun company and it's a great

feeling being adored by such wonderful young

men.

My husband took some persuading to try for

no 3 , I do remember falling asleep crying

some nights. He gave in eventually and now

DS3 is the apple of his eye. He is three

now and brings so much joy.

I occassionally ponder what it would be

like to have a girl, just curiosity ,and am

looking forward to any future girlfriends/

wives joining the family. And for the

moment I'm basking in the ' only female'

feeling , which is nice in itself.

Anyway, sincerely wishing you good luck ,

don't give up your dream, there is nothing

you can have in your life more precious

than a child. But maybe wait at least a

couple of years when the older two are bit

more independent so it's easier for you ? I

must say my third was born when DS2 was

8.5.All three close in age I would find

quite difficult but then many mums do cope.

By the way, I'm so so glad my mum had her

third child , as both myself and my sister

emigrated ,leaving her over a thousand

miles behind with once a year contact and

I'm so pleased she still has my brother

who has no plans to move away from his

hometown. She now has a chance to

experience having grandchildren close by.

All the best, again YANBU

MummyDragon, I always knew my mum really

wanted a third child ie felt her family

was not complete ( also was only natural

ly hoping for a boy after two girls) , and I

didn't need ' years and years of
counseling ', in fact it was never an issue

for a second, wouldn't cross my mind to

have an issue with it.

But I would be very sad for my mum if I knew she desperately wanted another child and never had it because dad didn't agree.

my friend had 2 kids, was goaded into a third by husband. she had twins, and it played financial hell. no holidays, private school places, cancelled, etc.

my friend had 2 kids, was goaded into a third by husband. she had twins, and it played financial hell. no holidays, private school places, cancelled, etc.

Ooops ! That was certainly not my intention for my post to come up this way. Sorry !

chocolatekitten Love your post - very poetic

Thank you all so much for your advice. It's certainly prevented me from storming into the conversation thinking just about my wants.

I love my husband to bits and this is the first time we've ever really disagreed on anything (typical that it's something so big and important!)

I think I used the word 'railroad' because I think my husband would 'eventually' do almost anything to see me happy - he's a kindhearted and unselfish man - but I don't want to take advantage of the traits I love most about him.

Words that have really struck home are that I can?t impose another child on DH and run the risk of him resenting me and a poor unsuspecting baby. However, vice versa if he insists that we don't have another child I will be angry and sad and I will resent him. Seems like a no win situation.

The one positive we are both agreed on is that our relationship is the key to our family's future happiness. So perhaps we need to think which outcome would affect our relationship the most.

Chocolatekitten, I loved reading your post, it really warmed me and felt like a huge hug. I'm actually going to take these posts back with me tonight and show DH that I've been trying to get a balanced view. Chocolatekitten, I hope your words melt his heart like they did mine.

I'll let you know. If we get nowhere tonight I will call Relate tomorrow....at the end of the day, another child or not, we just need to find a way to accept whatever the decision is and help the other person live it with.