To be fed up of my dh constant scrutinising of everything I buy in the weekly shop and constant stressing and fretting

[sail05]

He has done this ever since our dc were born aged 3.5 and 18 months and he became the sole wage earner and I became a sahm. I dont drive so we used to do our shopping together on his day off in the week (not saturdays as he works then but thats irrelevant!) Anyway everything that went into the trolley was questioned why do you want that when are you cooking it what are you putting in it. It was embarassing and the shop took ages!

Anyway after ds2 was born it got worse and shopping with 2dc is hard at the best of time so I decided to do internet shopping. Last week our small chest freezer (2nd one kept in the garage) packed up. We have a small kitchen and our other freezer is really tiny. We had to buy a new one. We had to throw out alot of food that was ruined.

We have obviously had to buy extra this week. Also need nappys aswell as all the usuals. No matter how hard I try I can't trim it down anymore and dh is stresing about everything and its driving me nuts. We have enough inn our account but he is still fretting. He worries if our account falls below £50 at any time! I told him to get real and there are people alot people alot worse off that us. He's ringing me throughout the day because he has thought about this and that. He rang 5 times in 2 hours today!

He is furious at this weeks shop and I am fed up with it all

Tell him to do it.

Better, send him to the shops to do it and you put your feet up whilst he's at it.

He sounds very anxious tbh. Was money tight when he was growing up? I only ask because when I was a young child we had very little money and my father behaved in a similar way.

Does he do any of the cooking? perhaps he is nnot aware of what quantities etc are genuinely needed. It sounds very stressful for both of you.

Was it a joint agreement that you would be a sahm?

By the way we have £190 in our bank account and our shopping came to £94 including £3.50 delivery charge. Is that so bad in the circumstances?

YANBU.

I sympathize as I have similar problems with DH who I'm sure thinks I should be able to do a weekly shop for under £20 a week.

One week I brought value everything, (dd was still being exclusively bf at the time) I brought nothing fresh. He wasn't impressed at eating cheap processed food every meal for a week. He has since calmed down with the moaning.

Sounds like a good plan PieceNharmoknee.

YANBU, I really sympathise what a pain.

It sounds as if your DH is anxious and stressed about money because he is the sole wage earner and tbh yes whilst I'm sure a lot of people make do on less it does sound as if the budget needs to be quite strict in your household. He is also possibly tired and not communicating these concerns effectively due to working 6 days a week.

I would try to move past your annoyance at his interference and communicate together so you can both agree what spending priorities are and what the budget should be then he should leave you to manage within that amount and maybe he could take the kids to the park whilst you do the shopping.

It sounds as if your DH is anxious and stressed about money because he is the sole wage earner and tbh yes whilst I'm sure a lot of people make do on less it does sound as if the budget needs to be quite strict in your household. He is also possibly tired and not communicating these concerns effectively due to working 6 days a week.

I would try to move past your annoyance at his interference and communicate together so you can both agree what spending priorities are and what the budget should be then he should leave you to manage within that amount and maybe he could take the kids to the park whilst you do the shopping.

He does sound anxious.
I sympathise with you though, it must be maddening.

Could you meal plan together? Add on nappies, toiletries, etc. Then do the internet shop based on that?

Keep it up for a few weeks then maybe he will ease off?

Do you have money set aside for emergencies?

Meal planning with him is a really good idea. There were/are some great meal planners on here to get you started. I think I still have a couple on email that other Mumsnetter's sent me - would you like copies?

Email [email protected] if you want me to foward them.

£90 seems like quite alot. I would spend that on a big week and maybe be buying wine, coffee,washing stuff etc. But on a normal week I guess I would spend about £60.

This week we will be eating:
Lamb meatballs and noodles
Jacket potatoes tuna and salad
Bacon and roasted veg pasta
Toad in the hole and veg
Quiche, garlic bread and salad
Tuna and sweetcorn pastabake
Homemade ham and veg pizza

Making packed lunches and back up baked beans on toast, eggs on muffins, type meals if I can't be bothered to faff.

Can you get him involved in writing menus for the week so he understands how much each meal costs? This has really helped me budget.

Message withdrawn

I have just showed this to my DP as he was just going on about the same thing. Every week I do an internet shop and he always goes on about how much I spend. If I miss too much off he complains theres no food in the house.

look for value/basics range.
buy one get one free
batch cook if possile

perhaps he is stressed out about cash.recession and employment worries
could you buy some things in bulk save money

try menu palnning
get him involved
how does he suggest you cut back

Umm not sure if I could face not cooking fresh for the kids though....but otherwise a great plan! It was a joint decision to be a sahm and he is always encouraging me saying things like I do a great job with the boys etc. He used to do the weekly shop after ds2 was born and would come home really proud of how little he'd spent. I would then have to shop almost daily at the local (and very expensive) shop so that I could feed the family so he didn't exactly save did he? Thats why taking control of the shop by internet shopping is the best thing I could have done.

Oh and yes there were lots of money issues when he was growing up. His mother lived way beyond her means and his father allowed it to happen (in dh eyes anyway) and as a result when dh was a child their house was repossessed (mil dream house) and ballifs took alot of the furniture. Mil knows that dh frets and stresses over money and she has often told me that she is convinced it is because of his childhood experiences and I agree with her!

£90 sounds a lot to me too.
I do two adults and two pre school boys for under £40 every week and I know because for the last 3 months I've been writing down everything I spend on food.

We menu plan and then I shop based round that.

I find that anywhere that takes internet orders is a lot more expensive than just shopping, but I can see you don't drive.

However can you get out to local market or get dh to take you to a lidl sometimes to stock up on basics?

We have meals similar to pippylongstocking and beans on toast or omelette once a week.

I have a bread machine and get bread flour from lidl 65p a bag does 3 loaves.

We both work but we still cook everything from scratch which saves an awful lot - just simple plain meals that don't take too much prep or faff when we've come in with the children at 5.45.

It is alot this week a huge amount of food was thrown away last week when our freezer broke down. But he does this no matter what I spend! Some great suggestions though thanks!

so apart from money concerns he is a supportive partner then?praises your input with the children etc

given the traumatic experience of a reckless chaotic spender no wonder he is fraught.and wants to exert financial control to avoid losing home etc

Yes its understandable but still annoying! We were married 7 years before our dc came along and he was not like this before dc.

dittany we checked and it does but we have £100 excess and the food didn't come to that much!

two adults no children will behave financially different to parents.so of course he was different he literally didn't have mouths to feed.surely that is blindingly obvious that commitment as a family man will add demands and constrain spending.at least he is responsible.not pissing it all up,buying junk etc

for that 7years pre-children did you work?was there 2 wages.instead of his sole wage?

would you consider a pt job bring in more cash?

Ah I feel for you both. Poor dh having to see his home taken away as a kid, and boys are so protective of their mums, he must have upset him a lot at not being able to prevent it. Has he worked through it do you think? Does he need some help from a counsellor perhaps?

I know its blindingly obvious but we are not that badly off to warrant the stressing imo! Our current account rarely goes down to less than £100. We have savings in a saving account for holidays etc that we don't touch for day to day. We are not badly off but he still constant worries which is fair enough but the constant making me account for myself is infuriating.

Do you have to replace everything that you threw away at once?

Could you not spread the extra cost over the next few weeks/months?