Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my wife is not playing fair?

36 replies

consorttovix · 12/05/2009 17:16

Joined for some wommen type advice - so be frank with me I can take it!

My wife and I got married in 2007. We are very much in love and I was delighted when she got pregnant shortly after our wedding. Unfortunately she was not so thrilled - very surprised and quite angry in fact. Any way things rolled on and she hated being pregnant but I did the best I could to support her. I should add at this point that my wife is in charge of the family firm. She takes her CEO duties very seriously and is I think quite possessive about them. This is not quite what I expected and we had quite a row over our honeymoon - because she had to work she cut it down to three days! Anyway - she found working at this pace near impossible during pregnancy and at last let me sort things out for her a bit. Our daughter was born last year and I was delighted of course. My wife was pleased but disappointed she was a girl I think - the first thing she said to me after the birth was 'the next will be a boy'!

So we go on - she's working at an impossible pace on a massive workload and making a lot of decisions I don't agree with.

What's prompted me to post is that she's told me today that she's got her old nanny coming to work for us from next month. I met this woman at our wedding and I think she's an interfering old bat! I'm not happy but my wife just gets furious and bursts into tears if I object to anything.

I feel like a bit of a spare part tbh so my question is this:

Should I just put up with this or is my wife not playing fair?

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 12/05/2009 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
consorttovix · 12/05/2009 17:21

She is a bit of a control freak tbh - she's got a real empire thing going and she doesn't like intervention

OP posts:
Greensneeze · 12/05/2009 17:23

You don't SOUND "very much in love"

Have you told her how you feel? Frankly but not aggressively?

It sounds like a communication problem.

FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 17:24

Then she is going to come crashing down very quickly I think.

How about you being a full time Dad?

Nancy66 · 12/05/2009 17:24

she's being unreasonable, you're being a wimp.

as the father you have a say in who helps raise your ehildren, if you don't like the nanny she's chosen then object.

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/05/2009 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kittywise · 12/05/2009 17:25

I think, from you description that your wife is not treating you with respect. She seems to want to be the boss in your relationship, it is not one of equals from what you say.

I would not put up with this, tbh I would think any man that did was a bit 'spineless'.

Why are you letting yourself be dictated to? She sounds very childish and petulant, stamping her feet and crying when she can't get her own way.

Are you scared of her?

What do you get out of this relationship exactly?

I would tell her you won't be putting up with her petulant power trip any more.

Niecie · 12/05/2009 17:25

On the face of it it sounds unfair, recruiting a nanny without your agreement. She is caring for your daughter too - seems only fair you have a say. Is the woman going to be living in too?

Did you even know she was going to recruit a nanny at all?

Original poster
consorttovix · 12/05/2009 17:26

Nancy - she really loves this nanny though. Her childhood wasn't exactly easy and the nanny was the person who shaped her and got her through tbh. I do feel pushed out but I don't want to take away a source of security from my wife - she has a lot of problems with her mother and a lot of pressure at work to contend with.

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 12/05/2009 17:27

You should be her security now, not a childhood nanny.

Owlingate · 12/05/2009 17:29

She should not have chosen a nanny without consulting you IMO. I would gently make it clear that you are not happy with this lady (could you suggest your baby is too much of a handful for an older lady ) but you will take the burden of finding childcare from her shoulders. Then you get the CVs, interview nannies etc. and you both choose a final candidate from a shortlist. Bit mean to say this OP is a wimp - sounds like his wife is stressed but she's one of those people who finds it almost more stressful to delegate. Assure her that you will take the job of finding alternative childcare very seriously. Have a look at some nanny agencies and show her printouts etc. so she knows you'll do it properly.

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 17:30

You say this is not what you expected, how long did you know her before you got married? Has she changed since you first got together? What did you expect from her?

It sounds like this nanny is your Mother-in-law figure, uh-oh.

Owlingate · 12/05/2009 17:31

Or could you bear to let the bat have her one day a week and a proper nanny the rest of the time? May help your wife. That's what my friend did with her MIL, let her have baby one day a week to keep peace then got childminder

FioFio · 12/05/2009 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Itsjustafleshwound · 12/05/2009 17:32

I don't think it is a matter of fair or unfair - you don't like the way things are going between the two of you - the choice is to be assertive and have your concerns and opinions valued or get the hell out as this domination is just going to continue ...

jujumaman · 12/05/2009 17:34

Hmmm

I'm not sure she sounds like a control freak, I'm sorry but I think you do - to wit "at last let me sort things out for her", saying ther person who got her through a difficult childhood is an "interfering old bat." She probably came across that way at the wedding because she wants her charge to be happy and wasn't sure you were going to faciliate that.

She is obviously in need of some support as you seem hellbent on stopping her from doing the work she really loves. No wonder she's crying and stamping her foot if she thinks that's not being allowed. It sounds like this nanny will not only help with your dd but give moral support which she clearly needs and is clearly not getting from you. Why shouldn't she employ a nanny if she needs to work? Or do you want to take over all those duties.

Either way, you need to discuss this calmly and find out why she's getting so upset.

Greensneeze · 12/05/2009 17:34

Is the nanny Bette Davis?

Your wife sounds a bit unstable and over-stressed. And you sound (forgive me) like you need to grow a pair

There's no need to be confrontational - just be very calm, meet her half way, acknowledge her feelings etc - but get your feelings across firmly so she can't ignore them and she can't run off crying. If you don't like the choice of nanny, you have a right of veto - you are the child's father! Decisions like this should be made jointly.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 12/05/2009 17:37

Sounds Positively Victorian ??????

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 12/05/2009 17:38

That and your choice of name???

cestlavie · 12/05/2009 17:39

I'd suggest that the debate about the right nanny is symptomatic of the wider relationship - she clearly always wants things to be a certain way and if they're not that way then she throws her toys out of the pram.

I guess before you get to the kids stage, you can muddle along okay like that - if you're the laid back type there's not much necessarily worth fighting for or arguing about if the other person feels really passionate about something else. So you can let them having strong views slide. Unfortunately, when you get to the kids stage you start wanting your opposing views to have a slightly louder voice.

Problem is, I imagine, is that's she used to getting her way and you're not used to stopping her even when you want something different. So making her listening is going to require, I suspect, a couple of fundamental shifts in your relationship - you being assertive, and her conceding ground and if not agreeing completely, then at least listening to you. Of course, you can let this slide as well, but it's something you'll have to face again and again in many different guises as your kid(s) grow up.

Original poster
consorttovix · 12/05/2009 17:40

Bravo Doris - now excuse me ladies I must go look into our drains - I've a feeling they could be the death of me.

Apologies to all those of you who have so honestly given your advice - but it's been fascinating to read your take on the relationship of Victoria and Albert

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 12/05/2009 17:44

Yeah !!!!!!

That's my first troll outing ever!!!

Owlingate · 12/05/2009 17:52

Heheheh can't believe I got taken in by this you sod

TrillianAstra · 12/05/2009 17:53

Well done Doris

FioFio · 12/05/2009 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn