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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask my neighbour to back off and let me raise my child myself thank you very much

30 replies

summerbird · 12/05/2009 16:27

OK I am the first to admit when IABU, but me and DH are expecting DC1 in 3 weeks and are really looking forward to getting stuck in and learning all the fabulous things that come with parenthood.

We have a lovely neighbour who is very well meaning but keeps making comments like 'oh you two have no idea how hard it is going to be, i cant wait to come around and help you out/take baby for walks to give you a break/ stick my fecking nose in etc etc.

It is really starting to wind me up as I remember when my little sister was born and my mums neighbour did exactly the same thing and ended up almost falsely imprisoning my sis at her house (my mum had to keep going over to ask for her baby back!!)

Now I know she is being lovely and helpful and in no way do i want to offend her, but we really want to do this ourselves. There will be times when i know i will be grateful to have her take baby for walks and am happy for her to do it, but she is the type who will be knocking on the door every five mins and i want to know how i should politely on some occasions tell her to leave me and babba alone.

We live away from our parents and she is also making comments like 'you poor thing not having your mum around but dont worry you have me' - now i know that is lovely but it upsets my mum (as she said it in front of her once )

It is the whole idea that we 'cant manage' and that she is stepping in and taking over, when DH and I are perfectly capable adults (he has helped look after four niece/nephews and i have looked after two sisters when they were babies).

I beg you - the MN jury to give me some tips on polite but firm things to say when she starts coming round every time the babba cries!

Over to you........

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 12/05/2009 16:29

"Well, we'll just have to see how we manage, but thanks for the off" should cover it (through gritted teeth)

If you are three weeks off, trust me, you are being a grumpy fecker

bigchris · 12/05/2009 16:29

I'd just smile and say 'well we'll see how we get on but at least we know where you are'

best to keep her on side as you might need a bbabysitter, plus babies cry very loudly and you dn't want her complaining about the noise cos you've upset her now

bigchris · 12/05/2009 16:30

snap BoF, lol

Brangelina · 12/05/2009 16:32

Leave a note on your door sayig Breastfeeding baby, do not disturb. Alternatively, invite her in, give her a duster/show her the kettle/washing up/washing machine and go and lie down with baby.

TheProvincialLady · 12/05/2009 16:32

Get a DO NOT DISTURB - BABY AND MUM SLEEPING sign made up.

And then give her lots of jobs to do that are genuinely helpful, ie shopping/bringing round home made suppers etc. Because it is going to be hard and you would be mad to turn down the right sort of help.

It ain't gonna be like looking after your baby sisters

Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 16:33

thanks bigchris i agree as she has already offered the babysitting thing which we will take her up on (not too much tho as dont want to take the mick!).

We are actually really grateful for her offers but dont want her going over the top which i have seen her do with other neighbours babbas.

bitoffun sooo true - i am a grumpy fecker at the mo - maybe i am just spoiling for a fight!!

OP posts:
MummyDragon · 12/05/2009 16:33

I second what BitOfFun says: I can see how this is annoying, but if you are 37 weeks pregnant YAdefinitelyBU and hormones are at work here ... just grin and bear it, and don't answer the door when she comes round. (You'll be too busy feeding/changing/sleeping anyway).

Let us know how you're feeling when your dc is a few weeks old!

Tortington · 12/05/2009 16:34

aww sweet.

thats the nicest patronising thing i have to say

so it just be off

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/05/2009 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pinkstarfish · 12/05/2009 16:40

"I'm exclusively breastfeeding DC, but do let me know if you start lactating and I will give you a shout"

Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 16:41

fair play, thanks for that guys - i actually feel better knowing that i am over reacting a bit

praps i should leave said screaming child with her for a day whilst i go shopping/get hair done/facial/massage/reflexology/lunch with friends then out on the lash with DH etc etc - that might actually do the trick!!

OP posts:
Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 16:42

pinkstarfish PMSL!!!!!!

OP posts:
MummyDragon · 12/05/2009 16:45

The fact that you ARE overreacting is completely understandable though, summerbird, and it's only the first of (probably, unless you're a saint)many, many times ... ah, the joys of parenthood! Fab that you're having a May/June baby, so did I, it's lovely

TsarChasm · 12/05/2009 16:49

Give her a shout at 2.30 in the morning for a bit of advice.

'You two have no idea how hard it is going to be' OMG I can't abide all that patronising twaddle to first time parents.

You'll have to be strong and if she's offended well...tuff. Give her some ironing to do if she wants to help

Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 16:53

tsarchasm it is the patronising comments that wind me up more than the offers of help, i am 36 years old ffs not 16 - grrr

actually i have a pile of ironing here now, shall i take it round, she could mop our kitchen floor while she is at it....

OP posts:
Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 16:54

not that 16 year olds dont know what they are doing either

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/05/2009 16:56

Hmm, but you really don't know how hard (or indeed, easy) it's going to be. And then you'll be bitching in a few months that "no-one told me it'd be like this".

Bloody hormonal women.

trixymalixy · 12/05/2009 17:05

I know she is being a bit patronising saying that you have no idea how hard it is going to be, but honestly you have no idea how hard it's going to be!!

I remember friends telling us something similar and us thinking "yeah yeah we know it's going to be hard but we have looked after nieces and nephews etc etc", but it was a million times worse than we could possibly have imagined.

It's just so relentless and the lack of sleep is such a killer.

You may be glad of a bit of extra help so keep her on side, she could be an absolute lifesaver if you don't have family nearby to help out.

If she gets to be a pest though do as others have suggested and stick a sign on the door saying "mother and baby sleeping".

chegirl · 12/05/2009 20:15

But if there is no way you can know how hard its going to be, whats the point in anyone telling you 'you have know idea how hard its going to be'? If you know what I mean

Dontya just love the 'help' that is almost always offered is to take your beautiful, brand new baby away and NOT to take the horrible, week old washing up away

But yes - 3 weeks to go = grumpy fecker with a big fat belly. And why the hell shouldnt you be

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/05/2009 22:29

So that they can't then complain that no-one told them how hard it was going to be!

Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 22:36

thnks chegirl you hit the nail right on the head.

...is exactly what she has in mind, she has already been around twice today to look at the nursery, the second time was to bring her daughter in law to have a look, i was out and DH was having his tea so she said she would come around again tomorrow instead.... i cant breathe!!

TBH i am scared that she will try to take my mothers place and get the kiddie too attached to her. This happened with my sister (refer to my OP) when my sis used to go to the neighbour instead of our nan - it broke our nan's heart bless her.

Anyway i must stop being over sensitive, i do appreciate the help and acknowledge that I am indeed the 37 week PITA - and throwing my weight around

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/05/2009 22:41

summerbird, your baby will never love anyone as much as s/he will love you and your DH. You may need to put your foot down a bit with the neighbour if she's getting too involved - and it does sound as if she is - but better to have helpful neighbours than hostile ones.

Enjoy what's left of your pregnancy, rest up - you'll need all the energy you can store over the next wee while.

All the best.

Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 22:42

oldlady that comment is a minor detail in my concerns, it is the worry that she is going to take over.

OP posts:
Original poster
summerbird · 12/05/2009 22:43

sorry we have x posts oldlady, i do appreciate the help just dont want her to be overpowering. i know you mean well so thanks for your advice

OP posts:
plimple · 12/05/2009 22:45

Decide what you'd really like her to do to help and guide her to doing that. Hanging washing out and in is a good one. I bet if you moaned about the washing up she'd offer.
Can you say to her that you really appreciate the offers and any time you need her you'll be straight round, but you don't want to offend her by not answering the door when she knocks and you're too tired. e.g. I'll call you, don't call me.