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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Anyone up? AIBU to feel upset with DH?

27 replies

cyanarasamba · 12/05/2009 00:36

A few weeks ago I sadly had a miscarriage and ended up going into hospital on my birthday for surgery to remove the pregnancy. I feel I've done a lot of my grieving now and am moving on, getting back to normal etc.

But tonight I'm really upset with my DH and how he behaved on the day - I don't feel I got a whole lot of support. He took me into hospital first thing at 7am and after about an hour went into work. He then came to pick me up at around 3pm when it was all over and brought me home where my mum was staying and looking after DS (who is 2). He then went back to work until around 8pm. I did not get a card or present from DH or DS. (DH did say something along the lines of "I thought about getting you this...." but it was pretty underwhelming.) I'm sure appropriate sympathy/hugs were extended on the day but they don't figure large in my memory right now.

So AIBU? I know he was having a rubbish time too, I am a SAHM so it's all on him to bring in the money, and I'm sure he was hurting about the miscarriage too. I said at the time he should probably go into work as he was busy but now it still hurts that he wasn't there. And not even a card or a few flowers under the circs???

He has said sorry after I pointed out I was upset about getting sweet FA on my birthday, but I can't say he's particularly made it up to me since. God I sound really spoiled and self-indulgent but I can't help it.

OP posts:

snorkle · 12/05/2009 00:51

sorry for your loss . I don't think you're being unreasonable - he could have been a bit more thoughtful, but at the same time I expect he just didn't know what he should do. Probably he thought you wouldn't feel like celebrating & took the default 'do nothing' approach beloved of the male species. Why not suggest to him that as you had such a crap birthday this year you'd like to celebrate it properly on another occasion instead - maybe have a meal out together or something?

sleepyeyes · 12/05/2009 03:12

I don't want to sound harsh and I understand how delicate you feel I had a miscarriage earlier this year and it such a emotional and confusing time. But you are being unreasonable, I imagine that due to the fact that on your birthday you were having surgery to remove the pregnancy his mind was elsewhere, he needs sensitivity and understanding too he lost as much as you.

Did you tell him you wanted card or flowers or some acknowledgment?
He probably didn't know how to handle it.

I think you should apologize to him.

Maybe arrange a night out or some time together to talk about it and how it both made you feel without casting blame or being defensive?
Is it possible you are focusing on this rather than dealing with your loss because it is easier?

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 07:48

Sorry about your m/c. I know from experience that it takes a long time to fully come to terms with it. Try not to harbour resentment towards your DH, he is hurtng too. It sounds like he was unsure how to react to the circumstances.

Is he normally good at buying presents/flowers on birthdays? Does he show his love and appreciation in other ways normally?

I would do as Snorkle suggested, tell him that you would like to have a belated birthday celebration.

mylifemykids · 12/05/2009 07:53

Sorry about your mc. I was going to ask the same as Mme - is he normally good at the birthday thing? Maybe he thought you wouldn't want to celebrate under the circumstances?

As for 'I think you should apologize to him'..you have NOTHING to apologise for!!

MANATEEequineOHARA · 12/05/2009 08:03

Sleepyeyes apologise to him??? WTF? Did you actually READ the op???

cyanarasamba I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel like that. I should think he did not know how to act maybe? But that does not lessen your own need for some support at the time! (And a birthday present anyway!)

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/05/2009 08:20

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. What a shitty thing to happen and a shitty way to spend your birthday.

I can't imagine for the life of me why you should be the one apologising (I agree with MANATEEequineOHARA)!

Try to talk to him without blame (he's pobab;y a bit gutted too), explain why you felt unsupported and then say you'd like a belated birthday celebration.

Sorry for your loss.

oliviasmama · 12/05/2009 08:21

Men just don't think in the same way as we do and I agree that he probably really didn't know how to handle it...now, rather than doing a little something as we would have, he did nothing. Typical!

Sorry you had to go through this, it must be devastating.

I'd concentrate on you two at the moment, dont waste time harbouring on what he didn't do. I too would be hurt but unless he was particularly cold, I think that it's perhaps lack of confidence to know what to do.

Really do NOT mean to under estimate your feelings and the very sad situation.

Ohwhatacrapmasfear · 12/05/2009 08:22

Sleepyeyes I think cyanarasamba was upset that she didn't get a birthday present, I don't really think she has anything to apologise for.

Cyanarasamba, I am sorry about your mc. I think Mmelindt's suggestion is a good one and perhaps now that you are not feeling so raw about the mc you can have a talk with DH.

YANBU.

Original poster

cyanarasamba · 12/05/2009 08:30

We don't normally make a huge fuss about birthdays but a card & present would be usual. Obviously DS is still young so I don't think DH is used to getting me anything from him. However he came home from work on the day and suggested I should open my presents/cards, then when I saw there was nothing from him I was a bit but didn't say anything as my parents were staying.

I'm not sure I could apologise to him sleepyeyes - for what? On one occasion since I became upset over this in front of him and told him why. I don't feel I've been going on about it and I'm trying not to hold it against him. Last night when I couldn't sleep I came downstairs to MN rather than wake him and put him through it again when he's already apologised.

We are going away for our anniversary next month which I know he wants to be special so looking forward to that.

I agree I do need to snap out of the self-pitying thing, it's not helpful! I suppose he made sure I was safe and looked after on the day and did his best at work.

OP posts:

BradfordMum · 12/05/2009 08:33

Sorry about your loss.
But, from you dh's point of view, he maybe thought it would have upset you more to receieve a card from your son celebrating your bday on such a sad day. No doubt the card would have said what a lovely mummy you are, and that would have deepened your loss.

Also, imagine how he was feeling going into work and either telling people that you'd lost the baby, or hiding it and sitting alone win his grief.

Such a sad day All round.

Please make sure you both communicate your feelings and show appreciation for the little things in life that give you pleasure.

((((hugs))))

Sally x x

Original poster

cyanarasamba · 12/05/2009 08:33

Forgot to say thanks for the replies everyone.

Right - tea, toast, and onwards and upwards....

OP posts:

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 09:11

Don't feel that you have to keep your grief to yourself though, or hide it from your DH. It is great that you can share your feelings on MN but don't forget to speak to your DH about it. Or at least tell him that you are feeling a bit sad, many men don't like to speak for ages about feelings, I know mine doesn't.

But if I tell him that I am sad about something and he gives me a hug then it makes both of us feel better.

sleepyeyes · 12/05/2009 13:07

Apologize that while you are both going through a hard time that you are giving him a hard time about not getting you a birthday present especially when you don't usually do birthdays.
Especially as this happened on the day of your birthday he was probably very worried about you and upset over the baby. Miscarriage also effect the father too yet you feel he should be thinking about presents at such a horrid time.

Original poster

cyanarasamba · 12/05/2009 13:28

I didn't say we don't usually do birthdays, please read my posts.

OP posts:

sleepyeyes · 12/05/2009 13:38

I have read your posts you said you don't normally make a fuss. If you had wanted people to agree with you then you shouldn't have posted in this section of the forum.

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 13:38

I don't see anywhere in the OP or subsequent posts that she stated that she is giving her DH a hard time. She said that she was upset about not getting anything for her birthday.

I don't think it is too much to ask for him to bring her some flowers or a card at least.

When I had my m/cs my DH would bring things to cheer me up, flowers or chocs.

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 13:39

Sleepyeyes
Why are you giving the OP such a hard time? You are the only one who thinks that she should apologise to her DH. She was obviously upset when she posted and needing some support.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/05/2009 13:41

I agree with mmelindt.... sleepyeyes - back off.

sleepyeyes · 12/05/2009 13:44

I'm not deliberately trying to be hurtful but she asked for opinions, as someone that has recently also had a miscarriage I understand the emotions involved and the dismissal of the fathers feeling in all of this are quite shocking.
If it had be then father on here posting my wife had a miscarriage it was my birthday AIBU to expect a gift I bet the responses would have been a whole lot different.

DuchessOfAvon · 12/05/2009 13:47

No time to read all the posts but -

So sorry for your loss. Its a horrible thing to have to go through.

I had two and DH didn't know how to respond at all. He just clammed up and looked the other way but was (I later learned) deeply upset and worried.

I'd suggest a wake together. For both the m/cs we went out to a lovely restaurant and treated ourselves to a fabulous meal and said goodbye to the baby. It helped to close that chapter and gave us a real opportunity to talk properly about how we were feeling. It really helped us to reconnect and start thinking about the future again.

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 13:49

The father was not the one in hospital having a D&C.

I have had 3 m/c and I always considered my DH's feelings. But the father is dealing with the emotional side of the m/c, the mother is dealing with both the emotional and the physical side. That is why more emphasis is placed on the mother.

She is gradually getting back on her feet after a m/c, probably still feeling a bit wobbly and does not need unhelpful comments.

I know this is a difficult topic and that it has perhaps brought back some memories of your own experience, Sleepyeyes, but I think that it is the wrong place for blunt words.

Original poster

cyanarasamba · 12/05/2009 13:55

I guess I am also upset about him not really being with me on the day as stated in the OP. It is self-pity I admit. When I've spoken to a few friends some of them have been a bit shocked that he left me at the hospital etc so that is going round in my head a bit.

DH does not really want to talk about the miscarriage in typical male fashion and this makes things hard too. He will listen if I want to talk but won't open up.

Sleepyeyes I said we don't make a "huge fuss" by which I mean I have friends who will expect posh brekkie in bed, multiple gifts plus flowers and dinner out. We would normally do card, pressie, bottle of wine and a takeaway - a normal adult birthday right?

Part of me is amused that the AIBU section of mumsnet is reliable as ever - there is always someone who will take the opposite view!

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 12/05/2009 14:04

I understand why this has upset you, and sorry about your MC.

he thing is, it's in the past now, your DH has apologised for not getting it together to get you anything for your birthday, so the best thing for you to do now is put it behind you. No point holding on to those feelings of hurt and upset about it, as it won't make it better.

MmeLindt · 12/05/2009 14:05

Cyanara
My DH was not even in the country when I had my last D&C in October. I know that I said that it was ok, my Mum flew over and I knew that he had to work but a part of me (irrationally) hoped that he would say, "bugger work, you are more important".

It took me months before I finally admitted to him how I felt (we were having serious problems in our relationship) and he did apologise for not supporting me more.

It is hard for them. DH said that he felt so helpless, that he could not do anything to help me.

Speak to him. Don't let it fester. Tell him that you know that you said at the time that it was ok for him to go to work, but in retrospect you wish that he had been there.

sleepyeyes · 12/05/2009 14:06

Cyanarasamba YES their is always someone willing to give an opposite view it's a thread were people give opinions.
Anyway I wish you well and hope that time eases your pain.

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