to be a little bit upset about DS's new nursery...

[Gracie123]

I had postnatal anxiety and am still under psychiatric care for it, so I really don't know if IABU or not.

Dr suggested DS goes to nursery one day a week to help me 'let go' and trust other people (he is only 18 months old, but we live several hours away from family and only moved here recently, so no babysitters to hand ). DH was really keen, as it allows me to work a bit and/or socialise, which I admit I haven't been good at since we moved.

The thing is we spent a long time finding a nursery I was comfortable with. DS loved the settling in phase, but when I left him for the first time last week it was awful. He also came home with a big bloody blister on his thumb where he had trapped it under a rocking horse. They also complained that he eats too much (even though he is not at all fat - I already had this conversation with health visitor because I didn't know how much he should eat).

The next week he was hysterical when I tried to leave and they just pinned him and shouted over at me to leave. When I picked him up they told me he had been 'difficult' all day and that he is whiney if he doesn't get to go outside.

He probably is a bit whiney, but it hurt me to hear someone saying he was difficult. I'm probably just being overprotective mum, but he's only been there two weeks and he is already being marked out as clearly not one of the 'favorites' (kids who have been going there everyday since they were weeks old). I'm concerned that the staff won't treat him well, or just ignore him if they don't like him. AIBU? Is it normal?

DH thinks I am just being oversensitive and points out that I picked this nursery out of a long list of ones we visited, but it makes me want to cry every time I think about having to leave him with people who don't love him.

I wouldn't worry about the "kids who have been going there everyday since they were weeks old" aspect but would worry more about them describing him as 'difficult' after only 2 days there.

I would give it a few weeks IIWY. Maybe go and pick him up early (and unannounced) to observe what he is like other than at drop-off/ pick-up time.

I did pick him up early both times. First time he looked happy colouring in, but ran to the door when he saw me and was really clingy for several days.

The second time his eyes were really swollen and puffy, although he wasn't crying, but obviously had been. He does throw tantrums sometimes, but most people comment on what a good-natured child he is.

Also, when I asked what they meant by difficult the answer was that he is whiney when he can't go out. It's not like he bit anyone or hurt someone or refused to play. You'd think they would be used children whining when their parents leave them for the first time.

I guess what I really want to know is, would you change nurseries? or are all nurseries like this?

Firstly, one day a week is too little. It'll be too long between sessions for him to settle in properly - I'm suprised the nursery allowed it.

Secondly, of course nursery staff do have favourites, and they probably won't be the ones they consider whiney or difficult. I'm really suprised that they said that to you though, very unprofessional. Children who are still settling in will be difficult at first, especially with such long gaps between sessions.

Would it be possible to send him to nursery for two or three mornings a week, instead of one long day? You would still have some time to yourself, and the shorter separation may be easier for your DS - and less time between sessions.

Or maybe a childminder so the setting is more homely and you can build up more of a relationship with just one person?

Personally I think nursery is really tough on the under-2s, and he may be more likely to get something out of it if you can hold out for another 6-12 months before you send him.

Hmm - hard for me to judge as my DC both started younger and I have never had comments like that from nursery.

I would not rule out changing nurseries, certainly, but I would ask to talk to the team leader/manager first. They don't neccesarily need to understand where you are and why you are putting DS into nursery, but if you feel able to tell them it might help. They do need to be able to tell you what issues they think your DS is having and how they plan to address them - and the 'eating too much' comment is just ludicrous - how exactly was that phrased?

If they can't satisfy you (and DH?) on those points then I would consider changing.

This sounds awful and is not helping with your depression I would guess!
DS has been through a biting phase and yet his nursery staff never described him as difficult. Personally I would look into chnaging.

I'd be a bit at child being described as 'difficult' or 'whiny' by staff. That's not about what's going on for him, it's about their convenience, which is not really my concern.

OK, I suffered postnatal anxiety with depression twice and I can honestly say that the nursery my daughters went to helped me immensely - they became like extended family and have now had the 'pleasure' (!) of all 4 of my dc's.

the comments and situations you have described don't sound to me like they are making you feel any better for sending your little boy there.

our nursery refuse to accept any children for less than 2 sessions per week - its too fragmented and won't allow children to settle fully.

I agree about talking to the manager/owner before removing him but tbh I think deep down you probably feel a bit let down by their comments and your experience.

All nurseries are different. If you're not happy with this arrangement you have two options - take him out completely or find another nursery. Both are valid choices

The whole "eats too much" thing would have me thinking again I'm afraid. It's a really odd thing to say.

Your child isn't fat so clearly he's not eating too much.

Disclaimer: My DD isn't at nursery yet so my feelings are just feelings - and not based on any experience...

PS I am suffering peri-natal anxiety at the moment, it is awful, you have my sympathies about your anxiety, I hope that you can get through it soon

I would be a bit concerned like Saintmaybe about the reponses you have had from the nursery regarding your ds. I would certainly speak to the nursery about your concerns and if possible increase the sessions to 2 per week, even if they are shorter, as your ds will find it easier to settle in. The other thing I would perhaps consider if you have no joy with the nursery is a childminder as then your ds will be cared for in a home enviornment and be more abole to stick to his usual routines etc.

forgot to say, I did tell the nursery manager about my perinatal anxiety and she was incredibly supportive (still is now with my mad campaigns and fundraisers!!)
it didnt' make her hide anything from me but did ensure that senstive situations or problems were handled very differntly.

I don't have depression, it's an anxiety disorder. The dr wants him to go to nursery as a way of me seeing that he won't die/get ill/be kidnapped etc... if he leaves my sight line

The nursery are aware of this, I told them when we were looking (or rather DH did, because I had asked to read the accident book and he wanted to explain why

The eating too much comment is because he had two snacks and two lunches and then continued to scavenge food that other children had dropped off the floor (which is probably true, but he still came home and starving and raided the cupboards as soon as we got in!) I have agreed with them to pay more so that he can have the lunch they normally give to 3+ year old kids, so he won't be hungry, but the staff member said I would be better off teaching him to eat less.

Finally, Emma - I would have loved him to go for one morning or afternoon a week, but the nursery insisted on full days as they think it helps the children to settle in quicker. I am usually a SAHM as was mine at this age, so I really have no experience and just assumed this was true.

i too think one full day a week isn't ideal. can you try maybe 2 afternoons? say a tuesday and a thursday? then there isn't such a big gap between sessions.

I'm sorry it sounds like you are having a tough time . Its really important you are happy with this situation but maybe a little soon to make the decision to take him out.

I would echo putting him in for shorter periods of time or maybe at a childminders.

How are they saying these things to you? When they say he has been difficult (not a good choice of word) what are their expressions like? How do they react? For example my DD went through a phase of not eating and my DS went through a phase of biting but the way they told me didnt upset me if that makes sense. Of course little ones will 'whine' if not allowed outside when they want to, but its how they respond to that and how they relay that to you.

Also do they comment that he "eats lots" or complain he "eats too much"? Sometimes when I have felt low (I had pnd twice) I would misconstrue what they said. For example DS does eat for Britain but they are happy with that.

What do you mean by "they pinned him"? When DS was being difficult they would pick him up, cuddle him, show him toys and encourage me to leave - they wouldnt make me go though or just force him to stay there - they would try and settle him in.

I think little injuries are normal though I'm afraid but on a small level its actually good for them to experiment and learn. DS wen through a stage where he was constantly in the accident book for the most bizarre things!

It is also quite normal for them to be happy doing something then pretend its been a terrible day when they see you lol. My DS has just grown out of this at nearly 3! I would sneak up and watch him and he would be having a great time, saw me and the tears would come!

I am not sure whether nursery will ever love him. They may care for him a great deal over time. I am confident my nursery do have a great deal of affection for DS and DD - but he has been there 2.5 years now. However they should show love to him, be warm, kind, caring, understanding.

It doesnt sound like you are enjoying the break much at the moment. I would hope it would change over time - its not easy to let them go, especially as he has been at home with you until now. I would suggest you give it a little time and see how you feel but if you instinctually do not like it, look somewhere else - its important you both feel happy. xxxx

I think I am going to speak to them about having two afternoons instead.

BTW, is it normal for a kid to come home injured? They did explain that he had his finger under the rocking horse whilst trying to climb on it, but with a 2:1 kid:carer ratio, I like to think I would have seen that and stopped him.

[backs off as she realises everyone is going to start telling her to stop being anal...]

i do think 2 afternoons would be better

and unfortunately, accidents do happen

OK - lots of alarm bells there.

If he's hungry and he's not fat, why the hell would you "teach him to eat less" ?

DS's nursery had an in-house cook and DS got heaps of praise for eating up and having seconds of everything she produced - and they certainly didn't charge more. DD takes packed lunches as the meals come from the secondary school and I would still have to send in snacks, etc - but she gets to eat as much of her (quite substantial) lunch as she wants and if she was still hungry they would find something else.

I agree with others that one session (half-day, normally) per week would not be enough, but can see no sense in them insisting on one full day rather than 2 half days.

What was it that made you choose this one over the others you looked at? Do you have a local Children's Centre - they might be able to help guide you in the direction of a more supportive nursery, maybe?

"but the staff member said I would be better off teaching him to eat less."

Um, completely out of order. She has no right telling you that even if you wanted him to eat a huge meal. I would be taking that one to the manager Im sorry.

As a comparison to other children - my DS does this - even at 10 months old he would apparently steal everyone elses toast when they werent looking. The staff found is hilarious.

Accidents do happen - that I wouldn't worry about (easier said than done for you, I am sure). I would only worry if the staff hadn't noticed or didn't know how it happened.

I picked it mostly because DS seemed to really like the staff when we were looking around. They all seemed so happy and friendly and staff turnover was much lower than at the other nurseries.

I may have just caught them on two bad days, but everytime we go now they just seem to look hasseled and busy.

Just caught up with this thread and from what the OP says the nursery seems to be staffed by a load of cows.

Your son (according to them) is difficult, whiny and greedy. He is barely older than a baby! I cannot believe that they think it is acceptable to talk about a child, that they barely know, like that.

Please think about changing his nursery. One that is staffed by nice people.

2 sessions a week would help, but it would also help more to move him.

A childminder might be a good option for you both.

They do have little injuries like that I think. I remember being horrified the first time he had a slight bump to his head or jammed his finger in the door. You kind of get used to it though and realise small accidents do happen.

Gracie123 I do second RedEmma's point that one day a week is probably too little and also you do need to give your DS time to settle in and get to know people - in my experience that takes a few weeks.

I do think, however, that telling you he was whiney or difficult is unprofessional - the staff should be aware that they're helping you to settle in as much as your DS.

In answer to your question whether all nurseries are like this - I've never felt this way with DS and DD's nursery. They've always made me feel like my children are the most important there and they really focus on passing on anecdotes about what the children have been doing.

i do think there are some areas of concern, but i'm not sure how much of it may be your interpretation due to your anxiety IYSWIM.

i wouldn't be happy with paying more for the food he eats tbh. but you can get round this anyway if he goes 2 afternoons instead as you'll have all morning to fill him up then nursery tea is usually just a snack anyway then you'll give him a proper tea at home later.

the accident thing- well the ratio is normally 1:3, is yours 1:2? however yes accidents do happen, same as they do at home. if you looked at my dd's legs you'd maybe be alarmed at how many bruises she has, but i know how she dashes about and bumps into things so i expect it at nursery too.

the fussy/whiny thing- they are probably just being honest really. i used to hate it when i'd pick dd up and all i got was 'she's been fine!' it always made me think..hmm has she though? they can't win really!

does he have a key worker? that would give you one main person to try to get to know and build a relationship with.