to be a little bit upset about DS's new nursery...

[Gracie123]

I had postnatal anxiety and am still under psychiatric care for it, so I really don't know if IABU or not.

Dr suggested DS goes to nursery one day a week to help me 'let go' and trust other people (he is only 18 months old, but we live several hours away from family and only moved here recently, so no babysitters to hand ). DH was really keen, as it allows me to work a bit and/or socialise, which I admit I haven't been good at since we moved.

The thing is we spent a long time finding a nursery I was comfortable with. DS loved the settling in phase, but when I left him for the first time last week it was awful. He also came home with a big bloody blister on his thumb where he had trapped it under a rocking horse. They also complained that he eats too much (even though he is not at all fat - I already had this conversation with health visitor because I didn't know how much he should eat).

The next week he was hysterical when I tried to leave and they just pinned him and shouted over at me to leave. When I picked him up they told me he had been 'difficult' all day and that he is whiney if he doesn't get to go outside.

He probably is a bit whiney, but it hurt me to hear someone saying he was difficult. I'm probably just being overprotective mum, but he's only been there two weeks and he is already being marked out as clearly not one of the 'favorites' (kids who have been going there everyday since they were weeks old). I'm concerned that the staff won't treat him well, or just ignore him if they don't like him. AIBU? Is it normal?

DH thinks I am just being oversensitive and points out that I picked this nursery out of a long list of ones we visited, but it makes me want to cry every time I think about having to leave him with people who don't love him.

Teach him to eat less? WTF?? That is crazy.

The trapping finger under horse thing personally I woulnd't worry too much about - little kiddies do manage to hurt themselves - if it happened a lot I would worry.

If it's any help, DD is starting nursery in Sept, she will be just 2. They have told us that normally they start with 2 mornings a week and gradually do more & extend to full days as they get older and nearer to school age.

The food thing would really bother me TBH, and they don't sound very helpful to you or compassionate. If I were you, from what you have said, I would be looking to move him somewhere else and do two mornings to start with.

I know it can be hard to see the wood for the trees when the anxiety kicks in, but I don't think YABU to be a little concerned in this specific case. Not because I think harm wll come, but because I think you and DS would be a little happier elsewhere.

Have you discussed with your DH what does he say?

Sorry for getting that wrong Gracie.
DS is 2 and has been going to this nursery since he was about 14 months and I probably sign the accident book every month or so - mainly seems to be bumped cheek, nose etc.
This must be so hard for you - trying not to react as you are wanting to and checking whether it seems reasonable. From what you've said I'd be concerned about them saying he's difficult and for the comments about eating too much. No experience of that as DS has always been so fussy that on the times he's had 3 lunches they've all been cheering - but I'd be very to hear the staff say it to any parent.

I don't think it's great that the staff described your DS as 'whiney' or that they said he 'eats too much' (an odd comment!). He is 18 mths old - just a baby, FGS!

I do sympathise with you. I had terrible PND after my first child was born and found it very stressful making these sorts of decisions. But I don't think you should doubt your instincts in this case.

It's really hard to say what you should do, as I don't know you, but from what you've said, I would perhaps think about

a) finding another nursery

b) whether 2 consecutive days or even half days might be better for your DS and provide him with more continuity of care/familiarity in the long term?

I am usually a big big fan of nurseries, but I think that a loving childminder might be a better option.

Gracie - I think I'd have deep reservations about that nursery from what you've said. Kids do act up at being dropped off at childcare, and have difficult days, and have accidents and have hungry phases - but the important thing is how the carers deal with these and how they interact with the parents. They know about your anxiety condition but arent doing anything to help lessen it.

Personally I'd look at a loving childminder for a few half day sessions to start off with and then increase to a couple of full days. It'll be better on your son as he'll still have a very low carer/child ratio (generally much lower than at a nursery), will get to trust other people and experience different situations in a safe way, and good for you too as you'll know he is in a place where he is accepted for who he is with a single person you trust.

Gracie the thing is that kids have to explore and play my daughter is 7 now and from age 9 months she'd try and scale ANYTHING!
I spent half my day catching her - one day I wasn't there and she'd decided the bath edge was a good place to explore...
she fell off banged her head split her lip so 4 hours in A&E - she stopped climbing so much!
Same with roller skates INSISTANT she could do it so I strapped them on stood there and watched her topple after that she accepted I had to show her!

I'm not a nursery fan - they may be great for some but not for me.
Madam settled well into a childminder at 11 months as I had to go back to work we had several throw self at front door hammering for me - the minder always rang me the second she stopped crying so I could hear laughter in her house.
Each time her howling with such passion reduced me to tears.
Each time Pat asked me to please just go as it was making it worse hanging about - she was right making those steps away while she cried so pitifully were awful.
But she got used to Pat and started crying to stay there!!

My youngest now at 11 months has been babysat twice but a girl who works in the local nursery - I also have no family etc to take him off my hands and have always been quite happy to work at home and care for my kids never had a clinging issue.

It is hard to leave them when they are small but maybe start doing something in the time
a course maybe? sitting in a cafe and relaxing going to the library.

Maybe discuss with team leader when they have the time to have a longer discussion about each thing you are concerened about.
Make it clear you may be over anxious but you are not "mad"
If you are not happy after this then look into moving him possibly to a childminder if you feel that may be easier.
When it comes down to it everyone is human it doesn't matter if your son has 3 carers he will find a way to fall over or some such!
I also find kids get your vibes if you are frightened so are they, so try and take it easy.

Given your situation particularly Gracie, I would change to a childminder if I was you.

I know I would feel better being able to meet and get to know one person who is caring for my child, and be able to build a bond with them. You can then hopefully choose someone whose parenting philosophy is closer to yours and won't be telling you to "teach him to eat less".

I would definitely want to drop the one full day though, it will make it a much longer and harder process for your DS to settle because it's like starting anew each time. Something like a Monday and Thursday morning (or even two full days) would be much better.

Little accidents are normal, in fact my paediatrician told me that if he sees a child between one and two years without bruises he is concerned as they are obviously not active enough.

I would be more worried about the issues with eating. How can you teach a child of 18 months to eat less? He is eating because he is hungry. What does he eat? If he is eating a lot of healthy snacks, then I don't see the problem. Charging you extra for food is not on imo. Do they charge parents of fussy eaters less?

Perhaps a childminder a couple of mornings would be better for your DS, she could spend more time with him and it would be in a family environment.

I think it all depends on how the staff are wording things to you, and how they actually are with your child. Are they kind, caring, affectionate and motivated?

Did they say 'he's had a difficult day' or did they say 'he's been difficult'? Telling you he was whining could be them just being honest - better than saying 'oh he's been fine' when you could see he hadn't been. But there may have been more diplomatic ways to tell you!

The eating thing is rather strange - if he'd had 2 snacks, 2 lunches and was still scavenging for food I would say he is either not getting given big enough portions or he is looking for food because he might be bored; staff should have been able to divert his attention. They shouldn't be telling you to feed him less.

And I agree that one day a week at 18 months is not ideal at that age, as each session is just so far apart. Better to negotiate 2 or 3 shorter sessions if possible.

I like the idea of a child minder coming to our house, I'm just not sure that we can afford one.

I agree that two short days would be better, we might just have to change nurseries to get it. The one we are at have suggested more full days, but TBH I am a strong advocate of the SAHM and if my dr hadn't insisted it was important I would never have put him in a nursery. The main reason for him going is so that I can make appointments at the hospital (they don't allow you to bring children for treatment)

Unfortunately I do know who his key worker is: the one that told me he was whiney and eats too much! The others actually seem quite nice, but I thought it might be because I haven't really spoken to them much

Gracie I'm not sure that childminders can come to your house as the environment they provide is part of their OFSTED assessment. In my area they are less expensive than nurseries too.

Although I'm a big advocate of nurseries (my DS has thrived in his, DD has only been going for two months but so far so good) they're not for all children and it does sound like nursery might not be for you. I would definitely have concerns about his key worker as you need to get on well for you to feel comfortable leaving your child there and for her not to understand, and respond to that, seems odd.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Gracie - a nanny would come to your house and is much more expensive. A childminder works from her own home, is Ofsted registered and follows the same standards/curriculum as a nursery, and is often a mother herself. Depending on where you are, a cm might cost between £3 and £6 an hour. They have a limit on the number of children they can care for - no more than 3 under 5 (including their own children).

I cannot say if this is the right nursery for your son or not, but I do think once a week is very little. It is not enough time for them to corporate it into the routine, as it is so long between each visit to the nursery.

Both my children were very clingy, and whiney and wept at drop off and pick up time, for a few weeks. It takes a while to settle.

Kids DO get little injuries at nursery. A scratch, a blister, a bump or a bruise, it is all common. Just last week my son came home with a "blood blister" on his hand as he got his finger trapped in a swivel chair... (he must for some reason have been in the admin office, as they dont really have them out in the nursery rooms)

I think 2 short sessions a week would be much better than one long one.Your DS would be soon old enough for a playgroup (they take them from 2 round here) or as others have said you could use a CM

Gracie - I'm sorry you are going through this, especially with it already being a difficult thing for you to do.

If you aren't happy to send him there, then doesn't it defeat the purpose of him being there? I know that no matter where you send him, you are going to be anxious, but they seem to have given you more reason to be, they should be easing your fears. Telling you he is 'difficult' and 'whiney' after only 2 sessions is not at all professional - I would always want the truth, but would expect them to say 'unsettled', 'upset', 'a little upset when he was told he wasn't allowed out' etc - but NOT difficult & whiney. As for the food - just rude, very rude. The accident with the rocking horse - no matter who is looking after him (you included!!) at this age he is going to have lots of these bumps and it is an important learning curve for him, it's the only way he will learn, it's not good for him to prevent every little bump and bruise

I think you have several better options

A) A different nursery
B) A childminder - easier to build up a relationship with, but in some ways, harder to trust initially.
C) A nanny - you might be able to find one whose charges go to school as so they are looking for a few hours a couple of days a week as a 'fill in'.

Which ever option you go with, I think 2 mornings would be your best option. One full day is a long time for you both just now and too far apart.

Good luck x

you poor thing its very hard to trust someone with your child and you have made a brave step, i think they are out of order to say your ds is whiney and difficult and the eating less would have really made me mad, the pinning down worries me too, i took my ds for the first time ever when he was 2.5 years and they were wonderful, she is also a registered cm too and in the last nearly year he has been there he has come on amazing amounts, the woman that runs has helped me so so much, where are you maybe their are some cm on here or someone that can recommend a good nursery to you

Gracie, good on you to question this whole thing. I don't see that as anxiety, I see it as good sense and going with your gut instinct.

I don't have a child in nursery yet, but your comments on what the staff have said about your little one make me very sad. I certainly wouldn't be happy to let my son go there when the staff have that attitude. It's so important that you feel 100% happy with where you are leaving him. How do you expect to get better and use the time off to concentrate on your needs when in the back of your mind you are worried about him.

I would look into changing nurseries. You will eventually find one that you are happy with: the staff, the hours etc. Or go with the childminder option. That sounds like it might be better for you.

Good luck with it all, and especially with your treatment
x

The food thing is the one that really stands out to me. DS has always been a gobbler and all the carers at his nursery thought this was a fantastic thing and liked to comment on what a good eater he was.

From what you have posted here, they don't sound great and it is really just causing your MORE anxiety. I think maybe you should see if you could find another nursery and definitely change him to a couple (even 3) mornings/afternoons a week. It gives them a nice routine that way and nursery becomes somewhere that feels safe and familiar.

Hugs, it is hard enough letting go without extra problems.

Hi Gracie. I just wanted to add my bit as my dd2 started nursery a few weeks ago (13mths). When they are under 9mths its easier because they have less separation anxiety/awareness and over 1yr until they understand fully that you will come back its hell
Most nurseries will allow 2 mornings/afternoons and I would strongly advise you to explore this, either with the current nursery or another one. Children of this age still have a very short term memory and after a few days will forget about nursery until the next week, when its like starting again. My dd2 does Mon and weds am. DD1 did mon and fri am when she started at 18mths. The rule of thumb is that the first week they go in fine because they don't realise they will be left. The second week is horrible because they realise it happens regularly. The third week they start to enjoy it and realise you always come back. DD2 has now had 5 sessions with a weeks holiday last week, went in fine today with the odd cry during the morning.

The comments the nursery made about his eating/whining are completely unprofessional and I would speak to the manager about those.

Accidents do happen as with toddlers there has to be an element of controlled risk to enable them to explore and develop, so that wouldn't even register as a concern for me. My dd2 in the last 3wks has managed to bang her head 5 times (with bruises) and has split her bottom lip 3 times as she is adamant she will become good at going up and down steps

Whichever nursery you choose to go with it will get easier with time but this one really haven't helped your individual situation.

I have to add that if they think your ds whines they wouldn't cope well with my dd2! She clung like a limpet to staff all session for the first 2 wks and refused to play or be put down!

I've got to say that if I were in your shoes then I would be taking him out of that nursery.
My dd and ds have bothe been using our nursery for the past 5 years and I have never had anything like the issues you have encountered in just 2 days.

Fwiw, my ds is very clingy and only attends one day a week. WE started off by sending him for an extra morning/afternoon every week for 6 weeks until he was settled and used to the staff- he is now fine attending one day a week. If it is possible it would probably be better to do two half days (It's what I would do if I had the choice!)

The other option would be a childminder- would you consider this?

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but I think if you are this anxious already it won't get any better if you aren't happy with the care provided. Good luck

(my ds is 14 months)

Haven't read all the posts.

With regards to eating so much, when kids are taking a growth spurt, it is normal for them to be constantly hungry during this and eating more is NORMAL!
They are meant to be professionals, they should maybe have thought of this, or asked you how much he usually eats and realised it may be a growth spurt.

Calling him whiney and difficult , ffs he's adjusting to being away from his mum!

I would definetly consider a childminder in their own home, not yours. Its a homely atmosphere and your only dealing with one person, your little one will probably have other kids to play with and will probably cry when you want to take him home! (I obviously have a great childminder )

I would also imagine that a childminder is cheaper than a nursery, certainly is around here.

Frankly, the nursery sounds like shit. Not the rocking horse incident - happens to all of us - but insisting on a full day, 'teaching' him to eat less... All v wrong...

If you find a reputable childminder, she'll be happy for you to stay for an hour or so with DS before you leave him for the first time, and should be able to do a couple of mornings, or a couple of short days. Given that you're main reason for looking for care is in order to ease your own separation anxiety, I would have thought that you ought to be able to fill-in any awkward spaces she has - solving a problem for both of you.

Good luck - whatever you do.

I would agree with many others about the Nursey, and I would endorse the idea of a Childminder. I had one for half a day a week initially, starting when my DS2 was 9 months old and DS1 was at playgroup.

I was suffering from PND and she was a life saver, almost a second mum to me as well as being a very loving carer to DS2.