I don't think I can do this for much longer...

[Hammy01]

I have a DS who is 29 months, a good boy who can be a handful particularly when he has to share his toys! Not a bad sleeper and has good days and bad days with eating.
DSS who is 5 who we have every weekend, who is a lovely little boy. Sometimes he and DS get on, but the majority of the time they fight like cat and dog, constantly want the same toys at the same time, punching, biting despite us constantly breaking them up, telling them to share etc.
I work fulltime as does my DH and feel like I am breaking down inside.
I dread every night as the kids rarely go straight down to sleep, despite our efforts in sleep training and even if they do go down to sleep reasonably well, DD still wakes 2-3 times a night for a bf and generally isn't settling back down. Keep putting this down to teething/ ear infection/ cold?but she always seems to be ill or teething! My DH gets wound up and we end up snapping at each other.
Weekends approach and yet more arguing as the boys start to bicker/fight and this in turn leads to me and DH arguing as he feels I come down heavier on DSS than DS and I am constantly on his back. I have tried to 'detach' from disiplining DSS but ashamedly I do shout at the kids when they push me to the limit. And as stupid as it sounds (and yes, he is just a little boy its not personal I know- I am one sick individual) DSS doesn't listen to anything I say, do anything I ask, he acts like I'm not there and it feels so bloody personal even tho I know its not and I'm being so stupid as he is a little boy.
I just feel I'm losing the plot.
Every weekend is a battle ground. I love my family I really do but I think about how much better off they would be without me, or how much better off my DH would be without me, one less battle to fight.
I want to give up. I always thought having the family I so longed for, great husband (most of the time-he has 'issues' but that?s a whole other thread) and loevly home would complete my happiness but I just have this oppressing, crushing, black feeling with me.
As most families we have money problems which doesn't help but my DH doesn't seem to acknowledge this.
I occasionly talk to my husband but how can he help me? Its all in my head, my feelings of inadequacy, talking won't help.
I feel like I'm at my wits end and I can't see ahead of me?I know I won't do anything rash as I have my two children to think about but I don't want to pin my happiness on them?how selfish am I?
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting on MN, I guess just some 'direction', I guess a slap around the face 'pull yourself together' kind of answers, I don't know. I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself and I should appreciate what I have got, stop moaning and get on with it as hundreds of thousands of other mums do.
Has anyone else been in this sort of 'situation' and come out the other side?
Thank you for reading this epic of a post.

I omitted to say I also have a DD 10months, gorgeous baby but poor sleeper, constantly teething/ear infections, bf and is proving very difficult to wean as she refuses any kind of lumps.

does dh help at weekends when dss visits? he maybe should spend a couple of hours alone with dss? just a thought.

family support? do you ever get out alone?

maybe see health visitor over the sleep issues? it does get better,promise you! i'm single mum to 5. have opposite problem with the older ones,can't get them up!

Sounds like you are exhausted, not surprisingly, and rather depressed.

You are in the middle of an incredibly hard time - long term sleep deprivation and 3 children to look after at the weekends. No wonder you're finding it hard.

Does your dh give you a break from the children? Could he take all 3 of them out for a few hours at the weekend to let you catch up on some sleep or just to read a magazine on your own?

I was in a similar situation a year or so ago (not with a dss though). 3 children ds-5, ds-3 and dd-1. I really lost my way and was very depressed. A trip to the gp was the best thing I did. Once I acknowledged that it wasn't normal to feel so low or have such poor self-esteem, I began to feel better. Time will also help, as the children get older you can begin to snatch bits of time back for yourself. My dh didn't really understand either.

"pull yourself together" is a crap idea. If you could, you would have done by now, I'm sure. Nobody wants to feel so terrible about their lives. jmo, but I would make an appointment with the gp as soon as possible, and try to get someone to look after the children while you go.

Poor you, I don't think you need a slap or a pull yourself together talk, what I suspect you need is some sleep and some time to yourself.

I know you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but it does get easier, I promise.

Can your DH take out DSS for some of the weekend, giving him time alone with his dad and giving you time alone with DS and DD?

Could you and DH take it in turns to have lie-ins one day of the weekend each while the other takes the kids out?

I so recommend stoppinggettingup for your dd. You can't feel better if you're exhausted, and nothing bad will happen to her if she yells her head off for a few nights. I promise you that she will soon stopwakingup during the night.

When you're less tired, try programming some structured activity for the family at the weekends, like going to the zoo or wherever where there are fun things for everyone, so less scope for fighting. Be rigorous about getting them exactly the same gift, same ice cream or whatever to cut out some other fights. And get your dh to take them out for the day sometimes without you so you can have a rest. It's not so unreasonable to come down a bit harder on the 5yo - he is the one who should know better.

Also make good use of the video at key moments at the weekend so everyone gets peace and quiet.

Yes, DH is hands-on with all the kids but DSS obviously gravitates towards his dad for whatever he wants/needs.
My DH has suggested I take some time out and go out for a few hours on my own, which I would love to go to the cinema or something - just escape normality for a few hours, but my DD sleeping is awful and I know it would stress DH so what would greet me on my return wouldn't be worth escaping for!
My DH has just lost his dad to cancer in Feb, so he's trying to deal with his loss by drinking a lot at weekends. It doesn't stop him from helping with the kids but I don't want him 'helping' when he's been drinking as he's not 100% in control.
Trying to see HV is a bit of a nightmare as I work FT and the HV is only in Thurs mornings so I would have to take time off. Not ideal as I had to use a lot of time off for when we were caring for my dying FIL in his final weeks.
Thanks for the suggestions though ILoveTiffany.

I agree that going to the GP is a good idea, you could be suffering from depression (but it could just be lack of sleep, exhaustion and stress) and your GP could help you with that.

I ahven't got any useful advice for you but just wanted to say that I feel for you. Working FT plus 10month old plus 2.9 year old plus 5 year old every weekend. It sounds like a LOT. Could you cut your hours at work at all? Could your dh?
I know you mention money worries but surely your daily childcare rate must be huge so it would sort of even out??
If you could not work on Fridays would that help start the weekend better? I work 4 days a week and I find that hard work sometimes but the one day off I have gives me a bit of breathing space..One piece of advice I can think of as I have 5.5 year old and a 2 year old so similar age gap. What I find works is to really compliment my older one.. e.g .. you're such a great big sister, isn't ds lucky to have you as big sister, aren't you good at sharing, wow, you're being so grown up today and etc etc. It works for my dd most of the time and sometimes heads off a fight befoer it starts. Would your dss respond to that?

Go out if your DH is suggesting it!!! So what if it is stressful for him? It won't do any lasting damage, and if you give him a chance you may be surprised! Having some time alone to yourself will also mean you'll feel more relaxed when you get home, so better able to cope with whatever you find.

Sounds like you are both under a lot of stress.

molly's ideas are really good! Could you implement any of them?

Blimey, the time it took me to reply to ILT, lots of replies and advice from you lovely ladies - thank you so much for the wordds of wisdom. I've got all tearful, as I know you all are right, I do need some 'me' time.
I know I need to stop getting up to my DD night wakings but then if I don't she wakes my DS up so then the whole house is up!
Sometimes its just been easier to give her a 10 minute bf and back to bed...thats when she goes back to sleep!
I know a lot of it is being tired, I can barely think straight, remember anything or construct a conversation.
My DH does give me lie-in at least once over the weekend so thats lovely, but then I feel guilty for lying in too late (past 7) as I know the kids can be a handful.
I so badly suffer with guilty mum complex
I've got a GP appointment for my DD this afternoon as she has awful conjunctivitus /possible ear infection again so I may voice my concerns too.
I'm worried that they'll label me a a 'not coping' mum when I've struggled to maintain that I can cope.
If I can't cope now what's it going to be like in future situations?
I get petrified that if I ask for help from the GP it will get noted as having mental anxieities or something and my children will get put on the 'at risk' register.
I'd never harm them or myself but this crosses my mind too.
I would just die if I was seperated from my babies

I'm with Mollie - can't you go part time? You sound so understandably exhausted that you need to find some time somehow. Are there any relatives or friends who could help? Talk to your DH - he's obviously finding it tough too. Sit him down with a large glass of wine and be honest with one another. Make a list of concrete ways of finding time for both of you, eg: you have the kids Sat mornings, he has them Sat afternoons. Also agree how you'll handle the boys when they fight so you use the same discipline and avoid arguments. Then crucially make sure you get a lie in at least one of the weekend days - doesn't have to be all morning, even just until ten will help. There's something psychological about knowing you'll have some time, so shoehorn it in and stick to it.

Molly - your idea about reducing work hours would be lovely but unacheivable as just simply cannot afford to do so.
I work compressed hours, so I still work 37 hours but Monday - Thurs 7am - 5pm.
My DH has a drug addiciton and binge drinks at weekends.
The death of his dad has made him worse but when he seeks help, nothing really helps him. He's done the counselling he even tried going to church but I think his inability to see that just one drink start him on his vicious cycle of abuse that leads the whole family into lies, debt and all the other rubbish that goes with it.

Hi - I don't really have any experience or advice to add to this thread except to say that you are doing an amazing job working FT and looking after 2/3 pre-schoolers. You sound like you are really hard on yourself and have taken on a lot of your DH's worries.

Can you both go to your GP? My DH had grief related depression and similar reaction - eventually went to GP and got sent for counselling (on NHS) which although he was very opposed to initially and only went for about 9 months really did help him out.

Can you speak to HR or someone at work? We have an anonymous advice line - but I work for Big Corp.

Have you got any friends with similar age kids who can take them for an hour or two. To be honest your DS & DSS sound very typical boys - my nephews love each other dearly but are often like this. Maybe just close the door, turn up your favourite music and let them argue sometimes.

I also think you need some time alone with your partner to have a chat and cuddle.

You definitely sound depressed. I had pnd with ds 3 and it's taken the whole family around 3 years to put itself back together. I wish I'd got some help, or taken more time off work or something, though things are actually good now the boys are a bit older and more competent. The fighting has also radically improved compared to last year (mine are 7,4 and 3). I think the younger ones can now engage in the same games and have more fun doing it. Last year ds3 just spoiled everything immediately.

The doctor won't label you, they're used to it. And if you agree times with DH for lie-in, etc then you'll stop feelign guilty and he'll find it easier to cope as he knows it's only up to x o'clock. Seriously you need to grab some space or else you'll fall x

Oh gosh Hammy, you have so much on your plate, no wonder you feel like this!!! As well as two small children to look after, a DSS every weekend, your DH is a drug addict and drinking too much? You poor thing.

Your children won't get put on any 'at risk' register for you asking your GP for help with coping. It is tough being a mum to little ones, and most doctors know this and know how to help, for goodness sake try not to worry so much. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it.

And give yourself a break, have a lie in for longer (7am in not a lie in). Stop being guilty, presumably the children are your DH's too, so it doesn't matter if they are a handful with him, it's his problem and he needs to learn how to cope with them.

Please find a courage to talk to your GP.

So is your DH incapable at the weekend or unpredictable? If so then that's horrendous for you. Three lo's and a DH who's often not able to be there for you. You do need some help - even more so if he can't be 100%.

sorry, really feel for you.

do you have to darling dss every weekend for the timebeing?

one very small suggestion on dd: have you considered going from breast to bottle, it will give you a little more energy? also rather than lumpy food why not go to finger food? my dd will not not not take anything from a spoon from me but will quite happily eat bread, pear etc if i she can hold it herself.

dd also has been constantly teething or had ear infections from two months. its bloody bloody hardwork. we think it may be her adenoids causing it, have been referred to a ent specialist finally - just dont let them fob you off, make sure they check everything.

dont worry about being labelled a not coping mum. you may find you get an awful lot more help.

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