I don't think I can do this for much longer...

[Hammy01]

I have a DS who is 29 months, a good boy who can be a handful particularly when he has to share his toys! Not a bad sleeper and has good days and bad days with eating.
DSS who is 5 who we have every weekend, who is a lovely little boy. Sometimes he and DS get on, but the majority of the time they fight like cat and dog, constantly want the same toys at the same time, punching, biting despite us constantly breaking them up, telling them to share etc.
I work fulltime as does my DH and feel like I am breaking down inside.
I dread every night as the kids rarely go straight down to sleep, despite our efforts in sleep training and even if they do go down to sleep reasonably well, DD still wakes 2-3 times a night for a bf and generally isn't settling back down. Keep putting this down to teething/ ear infection/ cold?but she always seems to be ill or teething! My DH gets wound up and we end up snapping at each other.
Weekends approach and yet more arguing as the boys start to bicker/fight and this in turn leads to me and DH arguing as he feels I come down heavier on DSS than DS and I am constantly on his back. I have tried to 'detach' from disiplining DSS but ashamedly I do shout at the kids when they push me to the limit. And as stupid as it sounds (and yes, he is just a little boy its not personal I know- I am one sick individual) DSS doesn't listen to anything I say, do anything I ask, he acts like I'm not there and it feels so bloody personal even tho I know its not and I'm being so stupid as he is a little boy.
I just feel I'm losing the plot.
Every weekend is a battle ground. I love my family I really do but I think about how much better off they would be without me, or how much better off my DH would be without me, one less battle to fight.
I want to give up. I always thought having the family I so longed for, great husband (most of the time-he has 'issues' but that?s a whole other thread) and loevly home would complete my happiness but I just have this oppressing, crushing, black feeling with me.
As most families we have money problems which doesn't help but my DH doesn't seem to acknowledge this.
I occasionly talk to my husband but how can he help me? Its all in my head, my feelings of inadequacy, talking won't help.
I feel like I'm at my wits end and I can't see ahead of me?I know I won't do anything rash as I have my two children to think about but I don't want to pin my happiness on them?how selfish am I?
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting on MN, I guess just some 'direction', I guess a slap around the face 'pull yourself together' kind of answers, I don't know. I know I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself and I should appreciate what I have got, stop moaning and get on with it as hundreds of thousands of other mums do.
Has anyone else been in this sort of 'situation' and come out the other side?
Thank you for reading this epic of a post.

It def sounds like you are depressed. IT happens to lots of us! Nobody is going to put your kids on any register you are working your ass off to keep them happy!!!

Wrt your daughter if it is easiest to feed her and put her back to sleep I would carry on doing it I think sleep training her if you want to do it is much more likely to be successful when you are feeling stronger. (Not meaning to offend other poster as i see her point am just offering an alternative). Stick her in your bed/room if it makes it easier. May sound like the opposite but if it maximises your sleep short term it will help you figure out what's going on.

You're doing so much more than I could ever cope with in a million years... No wonder it is getting to you. Your dh needs to take responsibility for his own stuff too, perhaps if he knew how miserable you were he would understand?

Wrt the DSS, I think the poor lad must be desperate for some time with his dad to himself. It is no wonder he doesn't listen to you as he probably feels weird about being with two other kids and you - but THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Can they not spend one day just the two of them together and the other day you all spend together at the weekend?

Also, get out of the house. More than one child in a house for longer than about an hour does my bloody head in I have to just whisk everyone out of the door before I kill them all. Plan an outing, however small - eg to the park, go bowling, etc. for each weekend day. Then you won't feel so trapped by them all. And it may distract your dh from his drinking if he does it mostly at home.

Your dh sounds like he is really struggling too. What drug is he having a problem with? Not judging but I used to smoke a lot of weed when i was depressed and it did NOT help so wondered if it was the same thing...

If you go to the dr they will be likely to sign you off work for a couple of weeks (drop massive hints). I recommend you still take your kids to their childcare and then you will have your daytimes to do absolutely NAFF ALL if you want, and just THINK about what you want to do to improve things. It may just be the break that you need.

Sorry for long response

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You sound depressed. I suffered badly with PND and found the best source fo help for me was speaking with my health visitor and getting asgined to a PND help group for 12 weeks. I met up once a week with 5 other mums - they had a creche facility to look after DC's and for 2 hours we could talk, eat bisuits, cry and resolve our feelings and thoughts.

Please get help. There is help out there and tools to help you manage - please ask for help from your health visitor and find out what grups are available to you - you are not alone in what you are going through (even though it may feel like you are) and there is support out there if you ask for it.

Wishing you all the best

Thank you all for your advice.
I am going to talk to GP this afternoon and go from there.
I appreciate everyones advice, its reassuring to hear that I'm not going crazy and I'm not blowing things out of proportion. Get fed up with people telling me I need a good night out, get pissed because thats what will make everything ok. Obviously that helps some people but since having dc, I don't like to be out of control and with bf I can't anyway!
My dh has a coke addiction. He battles every weekend with it, sometimes he wins but 2 out of 4 the drug does.
I have been on the MN support thread and read with interest.
I cannot help him with that anymore. I'm not enabling him, he has quite a debt with dealers but I refuse anymore of our money going on it.
I know he's under a lot of pressure but fark me so am I.
I fantasise about running away with me and my two children, away from all the mess, but that won't cure anything!
Must go and do some work but will pop back on later this evening if I can get my babies down.

Thankyou for all your support everyone

Good decision re talking to your GP, really hope it helps at least a little bit.

The coke thing is really difficult but if he wants to he can get really good help and support for it.

Understand you wanting to run away to be honest. Not saying it's a good idea but I can totally see why you would feel like that.

Good luck hammy xx

caring for someone who is terminally ill must have been immensely draining as they, like kids continously siphon energy off from you. you don't sound depressed to me in contrary to some other peoples posts and thats mainly because you are are clear in your communication and have a good oversight on your own circumstances. i would say you are exhausted mentally emotionally and physically through the constant groundhog day effect of your life at the moment that leaves you with no room to re energise before its dawn and starts all over again.
you need to prioritise yourself because if you go down they are are all going with you! eat little and often healthy snacks, shut the door and have a bath at night where you do at least one thing to nurture yourself whether its condition your hair, file your nails, light a candle and sit in with the lights off. keep coming on mumsnet and talking to everybody .
you deserve a medal not a slap so be kind to yourself and accept the limits of what you can get done every day.
good luck.

that drug addiction.....sounds bad! how is he funding it if you are refusing to spend anymore? and how on earth are you going to repay the dealers? i'm thinking this must be the most stressfull aspect of your life!! how on earth do youboth get by with this?

ILoveTiffany - In times gone by, the habit has been funded by him taking money out of bank accounts, cc, upping overdrafts, borrowing money from friends and family. Its got to a point now where there is no back up. We're in negative equity with our home, cc up to limit etc so the house bills are priority not his habit. He knows that, I warned him last time he had a binge that I refused to let anymore of our hardearnt money going on that.
I've tried to detach and not 'enable' him anymore.
Still, doesn't stop me taking my purse to bed at night come the weekend. Not that that stops him.
We had a big crunch point just before christmas, he went to stay at his mum and dads for a couple of nights after another massive binge and then his lovely dad was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer.
A few weeks later his dad had a stroke and then 3 weeks after that he'd died.
We;ve all got through this and I've supported my DH but now I've told him he needs to be there for his family, enough is enough.
I'll support him through counselling but I am not supporting his habit IYSWIM.

Spoke briefly to the GP last night and he urged me to book an appointment as he needed more than 5 mins to talk to me so he could make an assessment and start a course of appropriate treatment. So, will book one today and go from there.
I spoke to my DH (or rather brokedown on him) and he's concerned about my mental state of wellbeing too.
He wants to help in every way so hoping brighter days are ahead.
We'll see...

Thank you once again everyone for your brilliant suggestions and advice, apologies I can't respond personally to everyone as I'm at work at the mo.
Will keep posting on MN and hopefully I can help someone else on here too.

that's a start hammy i think you are doing all the right things. it might take ages but i have faith that you will both sort things out.

am hoping that your dh will be motivated to curb his drinking and drugs if he knows how much you are struggling... and he does not sound like a bad person, just someone who is rather lost.

you sound like an incredibly determined person, i am really impressed that you are thinking so clearly and taking action so decisively despite feeling like shit...

wishing you all the best.

You are dealing with too much, I would be on the floor if I was you. My heart goes out to you. You will feel much better after your GP visit, talking about it to a professional who has seen it all before is cathartic in itself.

Your DSS is your husbands responsibility at this time. He must make sure he is 100% fit to care for him, by doing the caring you are, in fact, enabling him still.

You have two babies, which are your priority, along with your own health. Your DH and DSS must come second for now.

I think you should think carefully about work, being so tired is not going to help you get back in control. If you can't pay the bills, contact the suppliers and explain, your repayment will have to go down, and they will agree. You can't get blood from a stone.

Personally, if it were me, I would get DH to move out untill he gets clean. The stress of dealers looking for money would be unbearable to me.

Best of luck Hammy. You'll get there.

Hammy, you're incredible. Honestly you are. Good on you for sticking by your DH and trying to do the best by DSS too. I hope your DH realises it's your turn for support. Maybe understanding how close you are to collapse will help him to get out of his addiction more permanently. Fingers crossed for you am sending you a big hug x

Thanks ladies for all your support... you've reassured me that its not all in my head, that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill and I'm not cracking up
I know things will get better, how and when will be gradual I think, but just having the votes of confidence from all of you has given me so much, you will all never know.
Thank u for being the lifeline that I so desperatley need at this time

Have just read all this thread. And my heart goes out to you. My only advise is to cencentrate your limited energy on you are your 2 dc. if this means being tough and kicking dh out untill he is clean and sorted himself out then do it (Know easy for me to say but surely its not a healthy environment for your dc) Think also if you get tough wth dh might just be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out. DD sleep problems might just be down to her picking up ont he stress in the house.

I aslo had a dd with a sleep problem and I took her to a homeopath (a good one if you are short of money will only charge what you can afford) solved her sleep problem over night and I felt alot more able to cope as I was also getting more sleep.

If dh stays then the weekends you have dss you have to make it clear that he has to be in a condition to be responsible for him - sounds to me dss is playing up as he wants his dads attention because he misses him.

Take care and big hugs