to assume that when both your parents die...that ALL family photos are divided equally betwen the sons and daughters....

[MUM23ASD]

....and not retained by one daughter to be kept in one box....in HER attic.... cos SHE wants to keep all the memories in one place....HER place.

DH is actually the executor- and eldest of 4 .
There has been a huge row over this- as DH (I believe quite rightly) would like a selection of photos to keep here....

what did the will say about possessions etc?? id say definately split them or at least be able to scan them into your pc and then give them back for the loft box, youre not being at all unreasonable in my book xx

So, SIL is a PITA then?

That's not very fair of her at all. What do the other 2 siblings think about it?

The dd who insists on keeping the originals should organise for all siblings to have digital copies - plenty of places will scan them onto CD or even do a montage with music on dvd.

My cousin's just inherited my grandfather's old cine film & had them all converted to dvd, copies run off for any family member who wants them - much appreciated by my mum who hasn't seen any of the films since her father died when she was 10.

Modern technology being what it is, there's no need to divvy them up - although if it's an issue maybe all 3 of the other siblings should have a vote.

His siblings are lukewarm about this...they are also lodged firmly up her ars*%! ...so will no doubt attend regular airings of the museum exhibits. (just as they always had loads of family bar-b-q's etc and we were not included...)

We are nice people...honest... just have 3 boys with disabilities that his family discriminate against.

seriously... that quoting the will is so bl**dy obvious...but so far DH says he's not even thought of that 'angle'...he's just been focussed on sentimentality.

MY way of handling it would have been everyone looked through the pictures and picked out ALL the ones they WANTED....

....BUT.... if anyone of the others DISPUTED it...then that picture had to go in a separate pile TO BE DISCUSSED

my theory being...that the DISPUTE pile could then be thinned out- and those that cannot be agreed on , as you say get copied.

example being there are some photoes from 1920's that have 5 or 6 slightly different poses... she wants to KEEP THEM ALL... I feel that in a case like that...it is EASY to share them out- whereas a *UNIQUE' photo ought to be copied.

I think his sister is upset cos there are hardly any photos of her as a baby ...whereas...DH features in loads (being firstborn etc) and he also appears on the only pictures of the great grandparents etc....

however...he's not asked for ALL the pictures he's in... and if it were me and my brother in this situation...i'd be actively looking to GIVE him MEMORIES that he was picture in.

I think YANBU. My sister did this with all the family albums but did offer to make copies for anyone who wanted them. She felt they should be together which I did understand, it was just the part about being together at her house that was difficult to understand!

I hope you get it sorted, maybe with making copies?

YANBU - my SIL took almost everything when MIL died!

Definately YANBU

When DHs lovely Nan died, my FIL sent ALL the family photos to his cousin in Canada, because "they are Johnsons" - this included copies of my wedding photos, we are not Johnsons, so why send those? We requested copies of some, particulary of Nans mother, these never materialised.

When MIL died ALL and any photos from her childhood and family were sent to her older sister, again "they are their family's", again including relevant photos of us, again we requested copies, and these have never shown up!

I wonder what photos he feels we would be entitled too??!!

i am 'glad' that we are not alone in this ...it started of feeling very trivial- but now it feels so much more.

Unfortunately most families experience some friction surrounding an estate settlement, whether it be with a will or not.

I was upset because photos are sometimes the only connection you have with some family members (ones you had never met, but you hear stories about), and these were all passed to others, without a consideration as to whether DH might like some.

thats how i feel silver, and what makes me really laugh is how much fuss his sister is making now...yet in the 20years i have been with DH...she has never struck me as sentimental.

good example of this is BEFORE his parents died... there was a very old recipe book - great nans.... this very same SIL had actually used the blank pages to write 'scrabble scores' in/ shopping lists etc...actually ripped pages out....

now...does that strike you as someone who treasures memories?

Not really, but then she may not be a cook. I am sure some people wouldn't see what you are upset about, as they wouldn't feel the need for photos, but I think that with photos I can share them with my kids and they nudge memories. I remember looking at the ones from MIL with her younger sister, and was told a wonderful story about one picture which DH had never heard before, and she had forgotten until she saw the photo. She even remembered the colours of the dresses that were in the (black and white) picture, and that it was the first time she had been allowed to wear heels. Unfortunately this was has also disappeared to the older sister.

we had a huge hoo-haa over photos in our family.

Nan and Grandad had two sons, my dad and my uncle. Uncle has no kids, Dad has me and my older brother.

Aunt decided SHE wanted ALL the photo's and just took them!!!

Dad pointed out that me and my brother ought to inherit them, if aunt and uncle keep them they;ll pass out of the family.

cue huge argument.

We finally settled on it being written into uncles Will that the family photo's come back to my brother and I to pass on to our kids...etc.

We scanned them all into a computer, copied them and gave a memory stick-full to each interested party. Kept the originals in an attic for posterity.

I'd insist on having copies. Purely as insurance against the originals getting damaged or destroyed - (eaten by rats, water damaged if roof leaks, house burns down...)

Wills and sharing of estates really does bring out the absolute worst in some people.

What happens when you say "Please can we get copies made of all the photographs - then you can look after the originals so that they stay all together and safe. Here , this shop in town does them."

I do not understand why in this day and age anyone could possibly be fighting over photos. Spend £100, buy a scanner and scan them all in and print them out at Asda or Costco for next to nothing. It's so so simple.

sofia...it is further complicated by the fact that the SIL lives opposite the mum &dad's house- so everytime anyone pops round to look through the stuff that needed clearing...she 'finds an excuse to pop over' ...

the best ideais the one about buying every one a memory stick and scanning EVERY photo onto the memory sticks...then everyone can do what they want.

it all sound so obvious...but as some have said ...in the circumstances of both parents dying (within months of eachother)... tempers fray.

I know. My aunts (father's sisters) got into a huge fight over a vase when their parents died. It was the most godawful vase and Aunt 1 didn't actually want it, but didn't want Aunt 2 to have it. My father just quietly stayed away and then both aunts decided that he wasn't grieving properly and got mad at him!

sorry but I have all our photos, that way they stay in one place(ok db had them once and gave some to an auntie) IMO it is best if they are all kept together.
can you not get them scanned, I have done this with mil's photos(she is still alive) so in the future I can just give a copy to anyone who wants one.

...but there are 4 children...WHO becomes the KEEPER then....

When my DH's granny died, her two children (my MIL and DH's Uncle) got into such a huge fight about the photos (which Granny had in fact stipulated in her will should ALL go to MIL) that they haven't spoken since. We were not allowed to invite Uncle to our wedding for fear that MIL wouldn't come/would be upset and we are not invited to DH's cousin's wedding in a few weeks. It completely split two siblings up!

I can sort of see the feeling behind wanting to keep them all in one place but think scanning them to create copies is also a good idea in the interests of both fairness and security against damage.

People are not always sensible when it comes to grieving though - DH and I spent hours (before we had DS obviously!) scanning lots and lots and LOTS of photos for MIL and she and Uncle shared out the originals and copies so that each had a full but mixed set and they STILL fell out!!

SARAH...that sounds just like how this is going.

(i think the root of my DH's upset is that he feels that once the house is sold- (incidently...SIL's son is buying it....at a reduced price...) that our connection with family will be cut- as SIL has never/will never...really accept us as a family...and all that kept us together was his Mum & dad. )

so ..the idea of her keeping all the photos is hard as historically we have never been included in anything else she has organised...whereas other family have.

also..dh's aunts believe HE is right.... as they would have liked a few photos of them with his mum...THEY feel excluded too.

when my grandparents died I had all important photos copied x3 and gave the originals back to my dad. Both my brothers appreciated this and I have framed some, as has one brother wheras the other one wasn't that fussed but thanked me anyway.

You can scan them into the computer so you have a back up should anything happen.

Life has never been so easy for redistribution of family photos really...