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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it wierd that a bloke lays out his 12 year old's clothes and undies?

45 replies

BuzzleGumz · 09/05/2009 19:31

I know this was included in my last message but it's bothering me a bit.

Today my parters 12 year old daughter was due to go to a sleep over. DP asked her what she was wearing and she said she didn't know ... so DP went in her bedroom searching for clothes ... before laying them out for her.

An argument then erupted because he'd laid out a white bra instead of a black one. He insisted he'd given her the black one saying "I remember having it in my hand, it was definately the black one" I just found it really wierd.

But I know she doesn't do anything for herself. He makes her breakfasts, her drinks, takes her rubbish away etc etc ... but I thought this was a step too far, even for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 09/05/2009 19:34

Yes, they are clothes if he were sorting the washing it would not be weird that he was handling her bras, if he were putting it away it would not be weird so why is it weird that he was holding it when he got the clothes out for her?

I agree that he should not be doing everything for her, it sounds like he spoils her a bit, but weird? No.

mrsjammi · 09/05/2009 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 09/05/2009 19:40

He is her parent. He presumably does her washing. Why is it weird that he handles her underwear? You seem to be trying to imply that it is inappropriate, which frankly I find a bit
As for whether a 12 year old should have a parent laying out clothes for them - well my DD ususally does her own, sometimes I do it for her - I wouldn't expect to be criticised for it and I strongly suspect that if it were this girl's mum doing it you wouldn't be bothered either.

CarGirl · 09/05/2009 19:43

I think it sounds strange because my 12 year old does nearly everything for herself.

He is either a control freak or subconsciously keeping his dd over dependent on him.

Makes her breakfast? lays her clothes out? gets her drinks? Even my 6 year old does most of that herself even with her broken arm!

llareggub · 09/05/2009 19:43

How long have you been together? I've read your other thread and get the impression that you don't know each other very well. Perhaps you should leave it a while before moving in so that you can get to know each other better?

Greensneeze · 09/05/2009 19:45

I think that she could be doing a bit more for herself at her age - but things like that often don't happen quite as usual when a parent brings up a child alone - they do what works for them.

I find it a bit odd that you're fixating on the underwear - he's her father, he does her washing - should he avert his eyes when he's hanging the washing out?

Nancy66 · 09/05/2009 19:47

I read your other post about how lazy your DP is - sounds like his daughter is a chip off the old bloke.

I think him laying out her clothes is unusual at that age but not weird or pervy.

glasjam · 09/05/2009 19:48

Are you saying it is wierd because she should be doing all that stuff herself? If so, I think you have a point.

If you are saying it is wierd because he is doing this and is a MAN then I think YABU.

On the one hand there are lots of posts slating men for being lazy arses and then we have this one that's almost accusing him of being slightly pervy for being a bit TOO conscientious.

Nancy66 · 09/05/2009 19:48

...chip off the old BLOCK

thisisyesterday · 09/05/2009 19:48

i agree he is doing too much for her.

but i don't think that laying out clothes in any worse than doing all the other stuff. he is her dad

lisad123 · 09/05/2009 19:50

My DH told me his mum used to lay his clothes out for him till he was 14!! some parents like to spoil their children and dont know when to let go. I still choose dd1s clothes at 6, but mainly as she chooses silly things like shorts in decemeber ! LOL

troutpout · 09/05/2009 19:54

yes..you are being unreasonable
Would you feel the same if it was a boy and a mother? i frequently get stuff out ready for my (nearly) 12 year old boy.
ds has sn...so that makes it a bit different in what i do for him... (dd is 6 and nt and can do this kind of thing for herself) but even if ds didn't have sn, i would not in anyway think it weird for a parent to handle the clothes of their child.

numal · 09/05/2009 19:58

He's not some 'bloke', he is her Dad. Maybe a single one too. I think YABU. Surely all Mums or Dads make their 12yr old DC breakfast and take care of them?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 09/05/2009 20:00

You know you give the impression of not liking your DP and his DD very much - why on earth are you moving in with them? And are you the poster who was posting recently about her DS's being expected to share the boxroom?

BitOfFun · 09/05/2009 20:00

If a girl is old enough to wear a bra she is old enough to plan her own outfits IMO...although I of course reserve the right as her mother to say "You're not going out like that!"

Having said that, DP still runs his nearly 14 yo ds' bath for him, tucks him in and gives him a kiss goodnight...but it's quite sweet really.

wotulookinat · 09/05/2009 20:01

YABU. He's just trying to be a good dad.

Quattrocento · 09/05/2009 20:04

God, I haven't had any say in DD's clothes since she was 3....

She's 11 now and I have to sneak favourite tops etc into the wash when she is asleep and present her with a fait accompli.

Your post is intimating that you feel your DP's behaviour is in some way sexually (rather than developmentally) inappropriate.

Firstly I don't agree with that suggestion. Secondly, if you are entertaining suspicions of that nature about your DP, he shouldn't be your DP.

BitOfFun · 09/05/2009 20:08

To be quite serious, you are surely aware that becoming a blended family is no walk in the park even with the best will in the world? With your suspicions and antagonisms, I would be waiting A LOT longer before moving in together- it's not fair on the kids to be put in a position of very predictable strife...it's their home too.

RedEmma · 09/05/2009 20:10

He's doing too much for her - she should be looking after herself more at that age.

But weird? YABU. Would it be weird for a mother to lay out a bra and have an argument over it? If he's a single dad he'll have been doing all the mum bits too.

mrsjammi · 09/05/2009 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2rebecca · 09/05/2009 20:39

I'll sometimes put out my 12 year old sons clothes, it speeds things up alot if I'm in a rush. Weekdays are OK with school uniform but he's not good with choice. daughter would have had a strop age 12 if I'd tried to put out clothes for her.
I make my kids breakfasts at weekends, they are children and I do their other meals (or husband does) if they are with me. Why is breakfast considered different?

paisleyleaf · 09/05/2009 21:25

I think girls can wrap their dads around their little fingers
and single dad's can feel guilt and like they need to make up for stuff.
He perhaps likes feeling he can do things for her, that he's needed.

ilovetochat · 09/05/2009 21:30

my step dad was a singel dad to his dds and he fetched their dirty clothes from their rooms and did all their ironing for them. it wasnt till my mom moved in and the girls were in their late teens that he realised they were taking him for a ride and should be doing far more for themselves. i think singe dads over compensate with little girls.

JoPie · 09/05/2009 21:38

Yeah, a parent getting clothes out for their kid, isn't it shocking? And making her breakfast too?

YABU. Its what parents do. Some parents will expect a 12 year old to do things for themselves, some won't. What exactly is the problem here?

I sometimes lay clothes out for my OH, and he's 35! Mainly because he has the style sense of a pantomime horse and would show me up when we go out I make him breakfast too, on occasion. Is that weird?

MUM23ASD · 09/05/2009 21:39

(my son is 12 and I still put his boxers out...and his socks....)

if i didn't he would not put any on.

My son has special needs...though to anyone looking at us they would see me as 'spoiling him' or 'control freak'.... cos he does not look like he has special needs.

(FWIW... did you know that a child with AUTISM/ASPERGERS (as my boys do) for example may have problems with organisational skills...selecting clothes...tidying room etc....preparing a meal...making drinks....yet to the casual onlooker...would seem perfectly capable.

Not relavent maybe on this thread...just mentioned it as first thing i thought was 'Oh...my 15 yr old still has me doing all his stuff'

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