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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it wierd that a bloke lays out his 12 year old's clothes and undies?

45 replies

BuzzleGumz · 09/05/2009 19:31

I know this was included in my last message but it's bothering me a bit.

Today my parters 12 year old daughter was due to go to a sleep over. DP asked her what she was wearing and she said she didn't know ... so DP went in her bedroom searching for clothes ... before laying them out for her.

An argument then erupted because he'd laid out a white bra instead of a black one. He insisted he'd given her the black one saying "I remember having it in my hand, it was definately the black one" I just found it really wierd.

But I know she doesn't do anything for herself. He makes her breakfasts, her drinks, takes her rubbish away etc etc ... but I thought this was a step too far, even for him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

cory · 09/05/2009 21:51

My Dad made my breakfast whenever he was able to until I left home. (but I cooked the three course dinner for his 40th, aged 9). In fact, when I visit them he still does- and I'm 45. It does not mean he let me grow up clueless or totally dependent on him, it just meant he liked doing my breakfast. No deeper significance whatsoever.

He also liked taking my Mum breakfast in bed. Doesn't mean she wasn't a perfectly normal mature grown up woman, capable of taking responsibility for herself.

I lay out my 12yo dd's school uniform because she is very tired in the mornings (health reasons). Doesn't mean that I expect her to be babyishly dependent on me in other ways; in fact, most people who meet her remark how mature she is.

namebacon · 09/05/2009 22:35

No YANBU - it is weird for a man to lay out the clothes for his 12 year old to wear, including underwear.

DottedPyjamas · 09/05/2009 22:49

Good God, a 12 year old child has a dad who lays out her clothes and makes her breakfast! Quick, call social services.

Jux · 09/05/2009 23:01

I'm quite sure that if DH were on his own with DD he would be exactly the same. (She, however, would ignore the clothes he chose and pick her own.) I don't think it is a problem.

It's probably just a hangover from when she was younger; he hasn't realised that she is quite capable of doing it herself, hasn't done the gradual letting go thing. It's very normal; women do it as well as men. I've read many threads where posters are saying that the OP is doing too much for their kids and they should be stepping back etc.

He's still doing it because he hasn't got on to mumsnet and been told!

cory · 09/05/2009 23:04

Those who say "it's weird for a man" to be laying out clothes, do you mean it is different if it's the man who does it? Because I really can't see the difference between me doing something for dd or dh doing it. And why is the underwear bit significant? Dh is usually in charge of the laundry in our house so he gets the joy of putting any stained underwear through the washing machine. So what?

Jux · 09/05/2009 23:19

This man is really annoying you though, isn't he? It doesn't sound to me like it would be a good idea to move in with him.

serin · 09/05/2009 23:24

Buzzle, she is his daughter not a rival to you.

I think YABU, some families are just more open minded than others, I had no problem as a teen asking my father to buy Tampax when he did the shopping.

slummybutyummy · 10/05/2009 00:35

No, YANBU. It is frankly astonishing that a man has washed the clothes, dried them and laid them out. In my house when I am out for an evening the DS's leave the dirty clothes on the floor of their room and then they and DH step over them while they get into bed. When I get home and check on the kids the clothes are indeed laid out, dirty and inside out, all ready for the liitle urchins darlings to go to school.

Seriously, I think breakfast is fine and he will probably start to get her to do more gradually as other posters have said. Nothing weird, just a good dad.

MUM23ASD · 10/05/2009 23:01

(i am feeling very sorry for all the single dads out there that will now feel they must have pay a woman to wash and clothe their daughters....rather than be seen as perverse)

This sounds to me like the OP is jelous of her partners daughter...what he's doing is fine. It's no different to a mum laying out her son's boxers.....

(oops...i'm repeating myself....)

cornsilk · 10/05/2009 23:04

It is not in the least bit weird for a dad to lay out his daughter's clothes. If she hasn't got SN then he's doing too much for her (as has been said) but it's not weird.

TheLadyEvenstar · 10/05/2009 23:14

OMGG The shock!!! someone please pass the smelling salts.

FGS OP this is her father, the only stable person in her life.

I have ds1 who is almost 11 and I quite happily lay his clothes out for him. is it odd that I touch his boxer shorts?

InsomniacMumontheRun · 10/05/2009 23:16

YABU. He is her Dad, not some random rifling through her knicker drawer.

If that's their way and you are going to be with him then you have to learn to accept it.

savoycabbage · 10/05/2009 23:19

YABU. Man looks after own child.

tattifer · 10/05/2009 23:19

YABU he's her dad. He may be making a rod for his own dad, then again he may have got into the habit of organising her clothes etc because he just doesn't have the time in the morning to wait for her to decide!

tattifer · 10/05/2009 23:20

own back not dad!

AnyFucker · 10/05/2009 23:24

do not move in with this bloke, you clearly can't stand him and his habits

I am not flaming you, but you seem to be trying to dig out support for you to be disgusted with all his little ways

I absolutely agree, he does not seem to be a great catch to me and you sound like he irritates you beyond belief (he would me, too)

just walk away, if you want to, but don't try and justify it by pulling him apart on every technicality

cheesesarnie · 10/05/2009 23:27

op-why does it matter?why is it weird and why does it bother you?

if theyre happy with theyre father/daughter relationship why does it matter?does he criticize things you do with/for your dc and say he finds it weird?

GothAnneGeddes · 11/05/2009 02:56

My Mum used to do my coat up for me before I went to school every morning until I was about thirteen. She also used to make me breakfast in bed until I was about 16 and no, I wasn't even an only child or PFB.

I still managed to leave home when I was 18 and fend for myself. YABU and I think there's an underlying issue here.

SamJamsmum · 11/05/2009 06:32

I think it's surprising she's not more independent (though not that shocking).

I think what is worrying is YOUR attitude to him touching her underwear. I'm not sure whether this is a projection of something from your own past (and if so I can understand it and I am sorry) but my heart sinks when I imagine you judging this father/ daughter relationship in the future.

You are about to move in together....oh my goodness. I feel sorry for the daughter if this is the sort of thing you are thinking with the information you are giving us.

fourkids · 11/05/2009 21:57

I sometimes lay out clothes for my eldest dd (12) because she doesn't care what she wears and would otherwise look like a dog's dinner with no underwear etc, but rarely do so for younger dcs unless they ask me to for a special occasion, because they do care and want to choose for themselves.

If you are going to live as a family, you need to find some middle ground.

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