Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

In thinking that my DH is being selfish for inflicting his mid-life crisis on the whole family?

29 replies

MadameB · 09/05/2009 17:30

My DH was 45 yesterday. We have DD 2 and DS 4. He flipped out and made him cancel all plans for the weekend,saying that he couldn't cope with anything. Am really worried about his mental health as he seems prone to bouts of depression. This probably has something to do with me earning 5 times more than he does and me having to travel every other week for 2 days for work which means him doing a lot of childcare. Whilst I really appreciate what he does as a father, I find his sulky beahviour affects the whole family and I would really appreciate any tips others could share for resolving such flip-outs. Maybe I should reduce my hours and let him the breadwinner - what are other peoples experiences? Thanks for any advice

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2009 17:53

there seem to be alot of threads like this around mn just now!men having temper tantrums,their wives putting it all down to "mental health" issues.

i'd be very tempted to film his next little outburst on my mobile phone,then play it back to him when he's calmed down! worked for my ds!!

Judy1234 · 09/05/2009 17:59

Lots of men cope with higher earning women without being like this. 2 days every fortnight with his children is hardly anything. It's pathetic if that affects him. Say you;'ll be posed to Dubai for 30 days every 3 months and that would really show him.

I earned 10x what my ex husband did but money was never a problem between us (until the divorce when he got a huge pay out).

You need to talk to him about it obviously and see if you can improve how things are. Don't assume it's always better to stay married though. It took me years to divorce but it was one of the best thing I did for the children and for me ever. Or do the classic thing of a man on the side but I don't recommend that option.

FabulousBakerGirl · 09/05/2009 18:03

Do not give in to him by reducing your hours.

Do you know he feels crap because you earn more?

Have you talked to him properly?

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 18:09

Good to know that there's a lot of it around. But how far should we put up with it? Once you give in to controlling behaviour it's a slippery slope. I really believe it's he's asserting himself because he feels "inadequate" on the financial side, that's why I wanted to hear from others in the same position. Whilst he's always said it's not an issue I think deep down it is, especially as he's from a Meditterean country where women mostly give up their careers once they have a family

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 18:12

Xenia - you say that money was a problem but you ended up getting divorced! How long did you stay with him before you decided you couldn't take any more? My kids are still so little I would feel really bad about walking away and screwing them up

OP posts:

justaboutspringtime · 09/05/2009 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whodathoughtit · 09/05/2009 18:16

Has he seen a doctor? If he is having mental health issues as you say it could be worth suggesting.

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 18:23

Yes, he has seen a doctor, but that was about chest pains and she told him he was suffering from stress and to take more exercise! Whenever I try to talk to him about things he says I should leave him alone and he will work it out. I always try to emphasise that I am on his side and I want to work things out, but he rejects any offers of help and justs sits in front of the computer and refuses to speak to me. It is a classic case of Women are From Mars etc - the more questions I ask, the more he goes into his cave!

OP posts:

justaboutspringtime · 09/05/2009 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 09/05/2009 18:41

madameB, it is a difficult situation. It sounds like a combination of his self-esteem being low (masculinity under threat?) and his resenting you so he refuses to engage. Or maybe he genuinely does not know what to do or why he is down.

Is he generally a self-aware person?

Are there any structural reasons for his earning power not being as high as yours eg working in the UK whereas he prefers to move the family elsewhere?

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 18:50

Thanks Justaboutspringtime that is good advice to get him to see it as OUR problem. Blueshoes, earning power is down to him being a teacher and me in financial services. He used to run his own business (travel agency) until we had children, then he sold it and re-trained so that our lifestyle could accomodate children. I feel bad that I have stopped him earning properly as mine was the higher paying job at the time (and I really liked it!). So maybe I brought this all on myself?

OP posts:

justaboutspringtime · 09/05/2009 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 19:00

I agree we made the decision together and I don't want to play the victim, I just want some reassurance that everything will be all right in the end. Actually, it's very cathartic taking part in this discussion as you are all objective about the situation

OP posts:

justaboutspringtime · 09/05/2009 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 09/05/2009 19:07

Agree with justabout.

You are definitely not to blame. You cannot have brought it upon yourself if this was a joint decision at the time. Presumably both of you wanted children and this is how you both decided to organise your lifestyle and finances.

If your dh is unhappy and wants to move the goalposts, he is entitled to (after people can feel differently about things after a while or change their views). But he is not behaving like an adult by stonewalling.

If he is working as a teacher, presumably he is not stuck with the children the whole day. They are at quite a difficult age, though it will get better. Bad tantrums? Why do you reckon he says he 'cannot cope with anything'. Has anything changed recently?

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 19:08

Good for you putting children to bed now, mine are playing around while I am drinking wine and mumsnetting - DH is out and I hope he doesn't come back too soon, am having a great time!

OP posts:

DuchessOfAvon · 09/05/2009 19:11

Maybe you can approach it from a "reviewing the situation" perspective. This is the decision we made back when we had the kids, how's it working out, how do we both feel - state of the union stuff.

If he uses the opportunity to say its not working as he envisaged, at least the lines of communication are open. And if it genuinely isn't working out, then you can work on a solution together - even if it might mean that he carries on as he is until the kids are in school, at which point you might be able to find alternatives for child care.

If he's feeling unhappy, it may be made worse if he's feeling that this is it, and things won't change.

But its all got to be part of the "greater good of the family" debate. If he's just feeling miffed, then he's got to suck it up. That's what grown-ups have to do.

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 19:14

Hello again Blueshoes - I think this week things got too much - I got stuck in meetings in Paris on Weds and didn't get back til 11pm, then on Thurs I was out at a corporate event and rolled home drunk at midnight! And he has a really difficult time as a supply teacher so I guess he feels he got the short straw this week

OP posts:

blueshoes · 09/05/2009 19:32

I understand what you mean about 'flip-outs' after a hard week.

I am the one who is working pt to my dh's main- breadwinner-ft and do this lashing out from time to time after a few consecutive late nights from him and the children acting up badly with pressures from work. It is not great but just a passing storm. Analysing it, in the heat of the moment, I do resent him for having an 'easier' time at work whilst leaving me to scrabble around and paper over his absences.

Perhaps he does not really want to be the main breadwinner but wants you to reduce your travelling, late nights. Does he talk enough to for you to get to the bottom of these flip-outs.

With my dh, he knows that I occasionally get frustrated with his work commitments and that I don't want to change the balance of our working arrangements. I also want him to 'go for it' so being really contradictory here.

Original poster

MadameB · 09/05/2009 19:39

Yes, he does talk about it, but after a couple of days sulking and being uncommunicative, which is really wearing. He just distances himself from everyone, so today for example, I took the kids to the park this morning (that's our usual routine anyway), then this afternoon I was in the garden with them whilst he was inside glued to the computer before going out to watch football. So whilst I don't mind him not being around whilst he's in a grump, I feel it's unfair to the kids. Most of the time things are ok, but I would say at least once a month he has one of these flip-out sulking incidents. Is that normal??

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 09/05/2009 19:48

Sorry, I'm quite struck by the kind of language being used here "mid-life crisis", "temper tantrum" and "sulky".

If a woman is suffering from depression, I don't think these kind of terms would be used.

OP - I can really appreciate how hard it is for you - my dad suffers from depression, and it can seem like the most selfish thing, SO frustrating.

You don't, unfortunately know what it's all about - the finding the kids hard thing may be a symptom, not a cause of his unhappiness.

That said, he does need to see that it is affecting you, and to be helped to take responsibility for improving the situation.

screamingabdab · 09/05/2009 19:51

MadameB I X posted with your last post.

I know it wasn't you who used the term temper tantrum

Sorrento · 09/05/2009 20:03

NO it's not normal.
I used to blow up once every few months when I was really unhappy but now i've got to the bottom of it, it simply never happens any more.

Judy1234 · 09/05/2009 20:53

"By MadameB on Sat 09-May-09 18:12:42
Xenia - you say that money was a problem but you ended up getting divorced! How long did you stay with him before you decided you couldn't take any more? My kids are still so little I would feel really bad about walking away and screwing them up "

Money wasn't an area of disagreement between us ever. In fact before we married (we were married 19 years with 5 children) he even said as I would earn more (he's a teacher) if we couldnt' find a nanny that worked out he would give up work and we were both similarly careful with money, similar priorities and always just had joint accounts. So we didn't argue over money.

I think we stopped getting on about a year into the marriage but if youv'e children you dont' walk quickly away. He just got worse and worse and then the Quantum of Solace that I was getting out of the marriage reached zero (no benefits and youngest children old enough just at 3, nearly 4 that I could manage on my own) and when the older 3 children all asked me to divorce him and I was only staying with him for the sake of the children I divorced. It was obviously the hardest decision I have ever reached and the children and home is so much happier and I am. But my situation may not be like yours.

But I woujld never have tolerated for one day a Saturday like yours. If you're both not working then it's completely inequitable that he does nothing with the children and you do 12 hours child are. That's like marriage in rural Pakistan or Saudi not the UK in 2009. leave them with him and you go out for 4 hours.

blueshoes · 09/05/2009 21:13

Madameb, on the issue of how normal it is to blow up, you mentioned your dh is from a Mediterranean country. Having grown up in another country, it is interesting to observe that the English shy away from expressing any negative emotions. I don't think outbursts once a month is particularly unusual, particularly in the context of another culture.

What is more worrying is the sulking for days and shutting down. I don't understand the need for the passive-aggressive behaviour, as if he is holding something against you...

I note you use the term 'midlife crisis'. This flipping-out, then sulking, has it been there all along your marriage, or has it suddenly got worse in some way? Why do you use a term that would suggest a change of character almost.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread