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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to resent my boyfriend's unwillingness to tell me ANYTHING about his day-to-day life?

48 replies

missmiss · 08/05/2009 18:45

Background: bf and I have been together for just over 9 months. For most of that time we've been in a long-distance relationship - we see each other at weekends and during the holidays (I'm a teacher).

He is very affectionate and willing to talk about plans for the future et cetera, and we never run out of conversation, BUT he is reluctant to tell me anything about his day-to-day life, particularly his job.

For example, today he texted me and said that his boss was being an idiot. I replied saying, 'oh dear, why?' His response was 'I'd rather forget about it, I like to keep work and play separate'.

This happens a lot: he mentions something that happened at work, I ask for details, he refuses to talk further. Now, I'm not asking for a blow-by-blow account of everything that he gets up to, but I think it's unreasonable of him to bring things up only to clam up completely when I show an interest.

He does the same thing when we're talking about our lives before we met - he mentions an incident, amusing or otherwise, I say 'oh, how interesting, then what happened?' and he says he'd rather not go into it.

We have discussed this before; I told him that I feel very excluded by his unwillingness to talk - if I'm missing out on such a major part of his life, I might as well be a woman he picked up in a bar rather than his girlfriend.

Am I right in feeling hurt and left out, or should I accept that I have no right to know about these things?

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 08/05/2009 18:46

YANBU
That is weird.

PenniesOnMyEyes · 08/05/2009 18:48

My ex was like that, it used to drive me mad.

PenniesOnMyEyes · 08/05/2009 18:48

sorry, YANBU

missmiss · 08/05/2009 18:50

Pennies, what happened? Was it a major reason in your break-up?

OP posts:
PenniesOnMyEyes · 08/05/2009 18:55

Yes. He would say something like "I had a huge row with my ex once" and I'd say "what happened" and he would reply "oh ... I'd rather forget about all that, it's in the past"

Or he would send a text saying "I hate this job and I want to find something else asap" I would naturally reply with "why? what's happened now?" and he would send one back saying "doesn't matter" If I pressed it he would say "I have enough of that at work, I don't want to discuss it at home too"

Same with past events "That happened to me when I was a kid" - me - "did it? what did you do?" him - "oh, I'd rather not talk about it, I'm glad its all behind me now"

He wouldn't talk about work, his friends, his family, his ex's or his past at all. I just didn't feel like I was his girlfriend at all and I told him "if you can't even talk to me, there is no point in us being together"

He apologised but said I shouldn't push people to discuss stuff they'd rather not talk about. I got fed up of him in the end and finished it.

TheArmadillo · 08/05/2009 18:55

The reason it's weird is cos he starts mentioning things and then refuses to expound on them.

I would also wonder what he was actually up to.

It would still be slightly worrying if he refused to mention it but more understandable in a way.

wotulookinat · 08/05/2009 19:01

Missmiss, I would be concerned that he sees time with you as just 'play'. Perhaps there is a wife hidden away??!!

missmiss · 08/05/2009 19:04

Pennies - he sounds exactly like my boyfriend. It is incredibly frustrating, I may end up having to issue an ultimatum.

Armadillo - I don't think he's up to anything, necessarily - I know he's not cheating, anyway. I think it's just him, which in a way is worse because it means he's never going to change. I don't want to have to force him into having a conversation with me! You're right, it would be better if he never brought things up at all (although still quite alienating).

When we hadn't been going out very long he mentioned a girl he went out with briefly when he was travelling in Mexico. I said something interested but non-committal (I think I asked her name), and he told me it would be a 'breach of her privacy' to tell me. FFS.

OP posts:
DesperateHousewifeToo · 08/05/2009 19:04

Perhaps you are going out with Pennies' ex?

missmiss · 08/05/2009 19:10

wotulookinat - no wife, no other woman! His best friend is engaged to one of my close friends, so I would be bound to hear about it.

OP posts:
missmiss · 08/05/2009 19:10

I did wonder...

OP posts:
wotulookinat · 08/05/2009 19:14

Ok, so you don't suspect anything, but it's still frustrating. I couldn't put up with that. Does that mean you can only talk about you or your time together?

missmiss · 08/05/2009 19:24

Pretty much. We do talk about other things - I know some stuff about when he was at school, and when he went travelling, but it's all narrative: "then I spent three months in Mexico and stayed in an amazing hostel, then I went to Thailand, then I went to New Zealand."

Perhaps part of it is just him being a bloke? I don't know. It upsets me though.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 08/05/2009 19:32

He sounds like a teenage boy TBH. Perhaps he will grow out of it and mature

DesperateHousewifeToo · 08/05/2009 19:40

Does he talk more to his mates?

missmiss · 08/05/2009 19:53

I don't think so, Desperate Housewife - most of his friends (from uni) are scattered round the country, so when he sees them it's more about catching up in a beer-football-and-British-naval-artefacts sense than heart to heart conversation. He and his best friend talk a lot, but their preferred topic of conversation appears to be the stock market.

themoon - he is 29! How long do I have to wait?

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 08/05/2009 20:30

YOu must do these things. Look him up on 192.com. Search his name on google. If you ahve his address do a search at the Land Registry to see if he owns the property. If you know his name, DOB etc search for his birth cert and marriage certificates. Do you know where he works? If so look at the firm;'s web site. You need to do some due diligence. It all points to him having a lot to hide like another wife and a family even.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 08/05/2009 20:40

This would drive me mad.

Do you actually know where he lives/what he does for a job/where he works etc?

If you don't even know stuff like that after 9 months sorry but it's time to move on.

I have had a couple of boyfriends who were like this, they were both not serious though. They also both drove for a living - seems to be something about that job

canttouchthis · 08/05/2009 20:44

I agree with Xenia. Get stalking him and find out info yourself. If he can't tell you about himself, find out for yourself. That's what Google is for!

HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 08/05/2009 20:47

It sounds like he is attention seeking in a bizarre way.
Every time he fobs you off he is making himself seem mysterious and probably more interesting than he actually is.

Sounds like mind games to me. Not normal. If you are feeling uncomfortable about it, it's not right.

Best of luck with this.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/05/2009 20:48

My DH is like this! I thought it was just part of the whole men-are-from-mars thing, tbh. He, on the other hand gets frustrated by my need to "drip" at length about the horrible day I had at work. He doesn't really understand what benefit I get from banging on about it, but I do think women have more of a need to vent. DH's attitude is that if he's had a bad day, retelling it to me won't make him feel any better. Me being sympathetic and listening won't "fix" his issues and is therefore pointless.

I don't sweat it, tbh. I know him well and I understand his pov, even if I feel differently. He does listen to me when I "drain down" on him, even if he can't see why I would want to. Each to their own.

Do you feel he ight be keeping something more important than the trivial minutae of the working day from you? If so, I guess that's a problem. if not, I'd let it go

MollieO · 08/05/2009 20:50

He either works for MI6 or he's married. Find it hard to write the next sentence but here goes. I agree with Xenia.

MrsMattie · 08/05/2009 20:52

I think that is deeply weird and would ring alarm bells for me. He's not married, is he?

frisbyrat · 08/05/2009 20:59

I suspect he wants you to think he works for MI6, but he is in fact a travelling salesman with a wife and two kids in Chelmsford.

Let us know what you unearth!

Kimi · 08/05/2009 21:06

YANBU bet he is married

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