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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to resent my boyfriend's unwillingness to tell me ANYTHING about his day-to-day life?

48 replies

missmiss · 08/05/2009 18:45

Background: bf and I have been together for just over 9 months. For most of that time we've been in a long-distance relationship - we see each other at weekends and during the holidays (I'm a teacher).

He is very affectionate and willing to talk about plans for the future et cetera, and we never run out of conversation, BUT he is reluctant to tell me anything about his day-to-day life, particularly his job.

For example, today he texted me and said that his boss was being an idiot. I replied saying, 'oh dear, why?' His response was 'I'd rather forget about it, I like to keep work and play separate'.

This happens a lot: he mentions something that happened at work, I ask for details, he refuses to talk further. Now, I'm not asking for a blow-by-blow account of everything that he gets up to, but I think it's unreasonable of him to bring things up only to clam up completely when I show an interest.

He does the same thing when we're talking about our lives before we met - he mentions an incident, amusing or otherwise, I say 'oh, how interesting, then what happened?' and he says he'd rather not go into it.

We have discussed this before; I told him that I feel very excluded by his unwillingness to talk - if I'm missing out on such a major part of his life, I might as well be a woman he picked up in a bar rather than his girlfriend.

Am I right in feeling hurt and left out, or should I accept that I have no right to know about these things?

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/05/2009 21:09

Gosh- you are all VERY suspicious!! Could it not just be that he doesn't actually think the little details of his mundane daily life would be all that interesting?? that he'd rather talk about other, more interesting stuff?

MollieO · 08/05/2009 21:09

How did you meet? That might give you a clue. Have you been to his house?

MollieO · 08/05/2009 21:11

I think that the reference he made to the OP referring her to his 'play' would concern me most. Why is he so keen to keep them separate when he has a dp who is sympathetic and interested?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 08/05/2009 21:16

Jooly depends doesn't it. If after 9 months she doesn't know anything about his background, where he lives, where he works, what he does then surely that is pretty weird indeed.

It sounds like more than he doesn't want to talk about what happened in his lunch break...

We need more info!!!

Nighbynight · 08/05/2009 21:50

I agree with others, that is difficult to live with.

missmiss · 08/05/2009 22:11

I know where he works and have met his workmates! I also stay at his house at least once a month (I know his housemates) and we have been on holiday together for two weeks. He is definitely not secretly married.

Joolyjoolyjoo, I think your dp and my dp are probably very similar. Perhaps he just doesn't think these things are interesting/relevant. It's so bloody upsetting though!

Xenia, I am honoured that you have replied to my post .

OP posts:
dittany · 08/05/2009 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/05/2009 22:22

missmiss- I did used to get upset at DH's lack of chat about work etc- in fact we used to joke about it, where I accused him of being a janitor at the naval base, and not really a clearance diver! Now, i just accept that that is the way he is. in some ways it's a bit of a relief not to have a bloke who wants to talk about his work all the time.

I did finally get to visit his boat when it docked for a Glasgow maritime festival thing, so at least I knew he was actually who he said he was (this was after being together for 7 years, though!! )

I agree 'tis a bit weird not to know where he lives (did OP say this?- I missed it) or where he works, but the reluctance to talk about work sounds normal enough to me

BigBellasBeerBelly · 08/05/2009 22:32

Ah no I inferred it jooly but I was wrong!

If it's just not wanting to talk about his day that's different...

Would still probably get on my tits TBH, but not sinister...

jasper · 08/05/2009 22:37

yes she knows where he lives!
She stays at his place sometimes.

I don't think he sounds that unusual for a man.

frannikin · 08/05/2009 22:38

Does he have a job that he might not be able to talk about?

My DP won't talk about his work (can't, 4 letter military organisation hush hush stuff) and it really bugged me at first even though I understood it totally.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 08/05/2009 22:39

Is his surname bond?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/05/2009 22:42

Ah, Bella- just had to backtrack through the thread to see what it was I was inferring you inferred !! Who knows- he COULD be a secret agent (what was that film with Arnie and Jamie Lee Curtis??)

BigBellasBeerBelly · 08/05/2009 22:47

I was thinking about that film too jooly!

frannie sorry x-post wasn't taking the mick.

The more i think about the more I think that this is actually an appealing trait in a man.

There's only so much detail of the daily situation with london's bus network that a girl can take....

"I'm just calling to let you know that the 361 has been diverted from harrow road due to a burst water main. And there's trouble with a broken down lorry on the A241 to brent cross"

"Thanks DH bye now"

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/05/2009 22:57

LOL, Bella. You know, DH may have it right- when he DOES talk about his work, I am receptive and interested. When I bang on for hours about mine, I can see him struggling to maintain interest (in the face of "Deals on Wheels" in the background!)

BigBellasBeerBelly · 08/05/2009 23:09

Aha. Your DH probably follows the same method as me.

It's quite easy.

I simply stop listening .

Although I came a cropper recently when it turned out that he had told me something quite interesting about a building collapsing and my MIL started quizzing me about the whole thing...

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/05/2009 23:23

Yeah- DH is known for that glazed look in his eyes. Even my dad can spot it now!

2rebecca · 08/05/2009 23:36

I couldn't live with that as my job is part of me and the way I am, in the same way that my hobbies are. I chose my job for a reason. I don't have 2 lives, I have 1 and my work and home lives are both part of it. Bloke doesn't give me great detail about his job, neither do I go into great detail about mine, that's just boring, and we both have jobs we can't talk in detail about to others anyway for different reasons. However if one of us is upset or pleased about something that happened at work we'll briefly discuss it. To me that's what a relationship is about.I don't want to just be someone's entertainment.
Some people can be OTT about offloading their stressful day onto their spouse though. 5 minutes is usually plenty, unless something really important has happened.

missmiss · 09/05/2009 00:24

Thanks for all the replies; I don't think it's anything sinister, honestly, I am just upset that he doesn't seem to want to share anything that I would consider important with me. Perhaps I just need to accept it's how he is.

I'm seeing him tomorrow so will talk about it then. Perhaps he is a spy...

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 09/05/2009 17:01

In that case he doesn't have a double life. If he doesn't want to chat about work that's very rare. Most men want to.

Does he talk? Perhaps he's just not a very talkative person.

slowreadingprogress · 09/05/2009 17:58

well he sounds a bit like he's had a charisma bypass. The conversations you mention sound dull as dishwater and he stops at a massively superficial level.

The thing with accepting his interaction with you being so superficial is that you are just accepting a shallow bloke to be with. Nothing worse I would think. Don't be too easy on him. Be prepared to think hard about whether he's worth being with at all, because he won't change.

GrendelsMum · 09/05/2009 18:37

My DH does this - he just doesn't like to talk about work, which I find frustrating because I'd like to know what's going on (particularly as I used to wrok for the samme company and know all the people...). So he'll come home and say 'X was a complete idiot today', and I'll say 'no, what happened?' and he says 'oh, just the usual'. We've talked about it several times, and he says that he doesn't want to think about work at home, or to spend our precious time together talking about unpleasant things, or to bore me by talking about work all the time. I do find it a little difficult (it feels as though I'm being shut out, and it can be quite embarassing - plus then I wonder if I bore him by talking about work) but I respect his reasons for not wanting to talk about this, and I'd rather not pressurise him just to keep me happy. Could you try talking a bit more about why he doesn't want to talk about work?

mamas12 · 10/05/2009 02:33

smacks a bit of control freakery. /Dangling a carrotty bit of tanatalsiing info about himself and them snatching away from you ,
You need to tell him it's part of being in a relationship to share information about your days, it's called a conversation.

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