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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send my MIL a few do's and dont's for when the new baby arrives?

34 replies

Cillapops · 05/05/2009 09:01

My second baby is due in 9 weeks. Both sets of Grandparents live at the other end of the country but mine tend to visit every 6 weeks whilst we haven't seen the in-laws for nearly a year.

MIL suddenly announced that she's booked a cottage for 2 weeks when the new baby arrives. Whilst I am pleased in a way as they didn't see DD1 until she was 2 months old, I need to make sure we use my husbands paternity leave properly and not entertaining them for 2 weeks.

I've emailed her to say that they can't take DD1 out for more than a couple of hours at a time as I don't want her to feel excluded and secondly that we will need several days completely on our own to get used to the new situation. This is because I will go from having DH and 2 sets of Grandparents around to being completely on my own with 2 children.

I have really tried to be nice but am sure I will offend her.

My parents are different as they always help out around the house and I know that they will help with cooking and cleaning but the In-Laws always treat us as a holiday. They already have 2 Grandsons at home that they dote on and its like our daughter is nothing new as they've "been there done that".

Am I wrong to lay the law down?

OP posts:

naturalblonde · 05/05/2009 09:03

Not unreasonable, but would probably be better coming from your dh.

fembear · 05/05/2009 09:05

Why will taking DD out and spoiling her (as only GP can!) for a few hours make her feel excluded?

Niftyblue · 05/05/2009 09:05

Think your Dh should explain it to them

That yes they are welcome but he will be at home for 2 weeks with his wife and dc and maybe you could do with some help when he goes back to work

Gmarksthespot · 05/05/2009 09:09

I can understand the days to yourself before dh goes back to work.

I think you may regret the couple of hours out with your dd.

You will be knackered.

The baby may be unsettled.

You will be feeding a lot.

Your dd may feel excluded at home because you need to spend most of your time with a new baby. The outing with her grandparents will make her feel special.

Original poster

Cillapops · 05/05/2009 09:19

I am not saying they can't take DD1 out at all, but they will want to take her out for a whole day and I would rather it was just a trip to the swings. Would it not be like we were trying to push her out if she was not with us? I don't know! I just want to make the big change as easy as I can for her and don't want her to feel that she is no longer important and is pushed out.

Yes, DH should have done this, but I listened to him on the phone and he really did not make himself very clear and actually ended up arranging to go and look around a few boatyards with his Dad when they are down. I thought I had to take the initiative.

OP posts:

mumto2andnomore · 05/05/2009 09:19

YABU your dd will love going out with her grandparents, she wont feel excluded ! She will be spoilt-great ! You dont need a few days on your own either, let them come round, it is their grandchild.

Original poster

Cillapops · 05/05/2009 09:22

Maybe I am being a bit crabby and mean - can I blame it on hormones? I just get a bit annoyed that they ignore us for nearly a whole year and then come down and take over our precious paternity leave.

If I am being horrid, it is ok, tell me, I can take it!

OP posts:

dorisbonkers · 05/05/2009 09:27

I don't think you're being horrid at all, I couldn't handle it either.

That said, my DH had to handle his MIL when my baby was born (she flew out here but was really as much use as a wet dishcloth! Her excuse, she had me ahem 37 years ago)

But his MIL is cool. My MIL is not.

But let your DH let them know. There's plenty of time to get together. My IL haven't met their first grandchild yet -- we're flying home this Friday and even 6 months in I'm kinda dreading it.

I'm not good with families

TigerFeet · 05/05/2009 09:27

I don't think you're being horrid at all! I can understand wanting to spend a few days as a family without GPs around, I feel the same way myself. I am expecting dc2 in September and the IL's will be here from the start as they will look after dd whilst I'm giving birth, and while it will be lovely to have the help, I'm hoping they don't stay longer than a day or two afterwards. I'm sure that some will say I'm being ungrateful but I agree with you in that we will need time to adjust from being a family of 3 to a family of 4. GP's are more than welcome to come back when DH goes back to work!

I do think you should let your dd go out for the day with them though - not every day perhaps, but she will love spending time with her GPs and probably won't equate it with the arrival of a new baby.

Good luck!

Sassybeast · 05/05/2009 09:27

You are not being horrid and YANBU about them ignoring you for a year and then playing the doting grand parents when it suits them. I also understand your point about not wanting DD to feel excluded and if she hasn't seen them for a year, will she be happy to go off with them ?

Bloody IL's - should be banned

But in the spirit of harmony and being a dutiful DIL (unlike me who now tells them like it is) maybe you'll have to bite your tongue and smile sweetly ? Ask them to do the shopping and cook if they really want to 'help'

Good luck!

pinkyp · 05/05/2009 09:29

i dont think ur being horrid no! I see ur point totally but if ur mil want to take dd1 out and spoil her, surely she'll love it? and gives u and dh time to bond/get use to the new baby etc?

sachertorte · 05/05/2009 09:37

Cillapops, I have every sympathy with your situation, but think an email is not really the medium to get across what you want without causing a rift. I would give your in-laws a call and smooth things over.

In your situation I would definitely make full use of babysitting services, you will be tired and your dd1 will feel more pushed out when at home than when being distracted by gps on a day out! Also gives you chance to marvel at the new baby in peace!

gardeningmum05 · 05/05/2009 09:48

YABU, its only for 2 weeks, make use of the babysitting,your daughter will love it.
think you are making a mountain out of a molehill to be honest.

llareggub · 05/05/2009 09:51

I've just had my 2nd baby and DH is on paternity leave. It is very different this time around. We know what we are doing baby-wise so there isn't that sense of wonderment while we sit around staring shell-shocked at the new baby.

I'm using DH to entertain and amuse our toddler so he isn't climbing all over me while I am feeding DS2. We are shamelessly using grandparents to take DS out to burn off energy and stick to his normal timetable so we can either sleep, feed DS2 or just get some household stuff down. We used the last paternity leave as extra holiday, but this time is more like business as usual.

I can see where you are coming from, but your inlaws can help make this a special time for your elder child by giving her some 1 to 1 time. My inlaws bought 2 identical cuddly toys for our boys, except our older son's toy was much bigger than the baby's. I thought this was an excellent idea.

Don't underestimate how exhausted you are going to be, and how difficult it will be in the early stages to give your elder daughter the level of attention she is probably used to. Your inlaws can help with that.

If you really want to maintain relations with them, don't email them. Just be very explicit about what you want when they arrive. If your DH is going out to look at boatyards, then insist that they take your daughter while you retire to bed with your newborn. That's what I did yesterday, and it was wonderful!

Good luck and congratulations.

anniemac · 05/05/2009 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gardeningmum05 · 05/05/2009 10:06

i agree, an email is a little tackless

Merrylegs · 05/05/2009 10:12

I too have in-law 'ishoos' so know where you're coming from, but my feeling would be - don't rush to any conclusions yet.

You say they have booked a cottage for 2 weeks when the baby arrives - does this mean you know exactly when it will arrive? (My mum came to stay for my DS 2's due date and he was 11 days late!)

As you know, with a new baby, things are played by ear and plans change at the last minute. No point in laying down the law now. You may only succeed in getting their backs up and anticipate problems which may well be solved with a gentle 'actually I'm tired/DH is busy today' when they arrive.

Also, your DD will have a whole lot of time being with you and baby - A couple of days out with G+G won't push her over the edge - unless she is a very insecure child now?

You say they always treat you as a holiday. Have they ever stayed with you other than as a holiday before? (ie did they stay when your DD was born?).

They may behave differently this time. You never know....

Easier said then done, but I think trying to manage their visit now will only blow it up into a problem of more importance than it needs to be.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 05/05/2009 10:15

I think YAB (a little) U, especially by e-mailing her rather than telephoning. I agree that second time round things are very different and if approached the right way, thrip out with Grandparents can be made to feel very special to dc1 rather thn making them feel pushed out.

Keep your fingers crossed that your lo arrives a bit late then your il's won't be around for all of your dh's 2 weeks off!

itchyandscratchy · 05/05/2009 10:16

I think it will be lovely for your dd to have some fuss made of her. The week before I had dd2, dd1 started pre-school. I went into the pre-school blarting that dd1 would feel left out and very vulnerable . The staff were very understanding of my hormonal gibberish... and guess what - it was fine: after I had dd2, dd1 loved being out all day at nursery and I was really pleased to see her when she came home. If she'd have been at home I think things would have been rather more fraught.

Let your ILs spoil her and make some time for her. imo, she'll feel more left out if she's around at home more, watching you being very different with a baby clamped to your norks all day and not able to run around after her so much

madwomanintheattic · 05/05/2009 10:21

YABU

you e-mailed her rules????

i will never understand the plotting, the scheming and rule-laying-down and general controlling freakery of the world of the new MN baby.

it's 2 weeks. get over yourself. husbands do go back to work. you've got a whole lifetime to adjust.

you do know that actually, when dd1 is harassing you non-stop when you're trying to bf and haven't had any sleep, and you can't leave the room because dd1 will pinch the newb, that you'll be desperate for mil to sally in and get rid of dd1 for a day?

you've done your very best to offend her, tbh, but i'd be amazed if she isn't strutting round in her pinny laughing at you, rather than wasting her time taking umbrage.

mamas12 · 05/05/2009 10:26

Yes can you ask them to come down about a week after the actual birth. To have booked already when it's and unknown is up in the air isn't. When you email next time with this sort of thing dh should sign it so they know it's from him.
Good luck with your babymoon.

jumpingbeans · 05/05/2009 10:29

well said, mad woman

HuwEdwards · 05/05/2009 10:33

I am with the mad woman (in the attic). I have no parents, I would've LOVED someone to help give me a little bit of exclusive time to DD2 when she was born.

I had no help whatsoever. I adjusted, I coped, I think you are over-analysing the situation. You will have 2 DCs, sorry to be harsh but so what?

PrammyMammy · 05/05/2009 10:34

Yanbu.

I think you have every right to the two weeks paternity leave as a family bonding time.
Nothing worse that feeling unsettled in your own home. A new baby will bring you enough to deal with imo.
When i had ds, my pil were at the hospital while i was still in the labour room. I didn't get a chance to have a shower and they were there. They went home to my house that night, and were there every day for 6 days. I had to make cups of tea and meals for two extra adults. pita.
DC2 is due in Sept, and we've already made it clear that they can not come that long and soon.
If you know they won't be a help, just say no.
They can always visit for the weekend when baby is a week old or so and you are starting to settle in.

Original poster

Cillapops · 05/05/2009 10:42

Ok, ok, I get it!!!!

I didn't exactly give her rules per se. I said how I would like things to be thinking it would be better saying it now rather than letting her have expectations that wouldn't be met. Only a fortnight ago, they told me they would not be coming down until October so I was a bit taken aback to hear they just booked somewhere. Yes, there is always a chance that no 2 won't even arrive until they have been here a week.

I suppose it is hard to accept when they ignore us for nearly a year and then decide to come down at a time when I thought I had things sorted. There are a lot of other things that I haven't mentioned about how the other Grandchildren are treated so differently, (they pay for one to go to private school but not his brother and yet our daughter is practically ignored at birthdays and Christmas)which is a whole new thread.

I suppose I am just trying to stop my precious new family time from being hijacked as for the rest of the year I am on my own with no help and I cope ok.

I will call her to chat about it too as I admit emails aren't always great and that wasn't my greatest idea, but at least I can get everything out without missing something.

OP posts:

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