To send my MIL a few do's and dont's for when the new baby arrives?

[Cillapops]

My second baby is due in 9 weeks. Both sets of Grandparents live at the other end of the country but mine tend to visit every 6 weeks whilst we haven't seen the in-laws for nearly a year.

MIL suddenly announced that she's booked a cottage for 2 weeks when the new baby arrives. Whilst I am pleased in a way as they didn't see DD1 until she was 2 months old, I need to make sure we use my husbands paternity leave properly and not entertaining them for 2 weeks.

I've emailed her to say that they can't take DD1 out for more than a couple of hours at a time as I don't want her to feel excluded and secondly that we will need several days completely on our own to get used to the new situation. This is because I will go from having DH and 2 sets of Grandparents around to being completely on my own with 2 children.

I have really tried to be nice but am sure I will offend her.

My parents are different as they always help out around the house and I know that they will help with cooking and cleaning but the In-Laws always treat us as a holiday. They already have 2 Grandsons at home that they dote on and its like our daughter is nothing new as they've "been there done that".

Am I wrong to lay the law down?

My first was nearly 3 weeks late so they'd have gone before she was here. (I was anti-induction so held off for a while)

I think booking cottage before checking with you is thoughtless, but if it's done it's done. Maybe saying that you would like some time to yourselves in your family unit (and that means not your mum either) would be reasonable, but I would let husband deal with his family.
At least they've booked a cottage and aren't expecting you to put them up, and they've shown an interest in new baby which is good. I agree the older kid may prefer a day out with grandparents rather than endless fussing on with boring baby.

Do what you need to do. Only you know what they will be like when they arrive and whether they will be more work for you rather than help.
I agree with you about them not visiting for a year and then just turning up for the 'newborn', making a special time difficult and then going away again for another year.

Why should you be the only one to sit back and have things decided for you. You are not saying they can't come, you are not saying they can't have your DD. You are just saying what you want to happen, sounds like a good plan.
I wouldn't have emailed and perhaps it may ruffle a few feathers, but what you are suggesting isn't that bad. Things would be alot better between families if everyone was more upfront, its not IL bashing but sticking up for what you want as well as everyone else around you.

I kind of thought they sounded quite thoughtful. Booking a cottage means they didn't expect to stay with you or expect you to entertain them the whole time - giving you some privacy. And if they are happy to take your older child out for the day, again, they're not expecting you to entertain them, they're trying to lessen your burden when you're probably going to be most tired and allow you extra time to bond. I would let them continue with their plans, and just see how it goes. Your DH can always say something at the time if you have any problems crop up.

I think YABU it sounds like they are trying to make up for not seeing your eldest when she was tiny. The most I would say is that they are welcome to come but that you are not promising anything with regards to going out/doing anything. I think you should apologise for the email tbh - you can alays do it in a roundabout I hope I didn't offend you - this is what I meant way.

Grand parents can be a great distraction (and attention provider) for the older sibling. I really would not turn down help with the older child.

You will be tired etc etc and I would not worry that your older child will feel excluded as that comes with the territory I of siblings! Whether she experiences that now or later....

As for entertaining your PIL you won't have time to think about it (well not in a sane way anyway!)

Don't analyse it. Wait and see how you find it with two kids (some parents find it easier, others do not).

You don't know what the birth will be like but could your husband take one weeks paternity leave and then have some A/L later on. Newborns don't really need much tending to be honest as you know! then that way you get more help over a longer period of time.

I have found that the adjustment for the sibling is not an immediate thing (ie two weeks) it has taken my DD a year to get used to the changes having a brother has made to her life. But she loves him (and tells him and everyone regularly). It is an adjustment for the whole family (mum/dad/and grand parents). I get annoyed with ours for ignoring the older sibling and doting on the mischievous toddler......

Your kids have two sets of grandparents who seem to want to be involved...(how many PIL book a two week holiday at the arrival of a second grand child- some second grand childrens arrival go unheralded!)

Try and include them they will not be around forever.....

Well I had my DS 7 weeks ago. My DD was much better when her grandparents that she loves dearly and sees alot went home - she wanted things back to normal. She even got unsettled when DH took her out for the day to give me a rest during the paternity leave. So YANBU. My DD is very level headed but a new baby provided her with enough change without other family around. When you really need help IMO is when the sleep deprivation gets to you a few weeks down the line.

I think you are being unrealistic about the 'taking DS out' business.For a start you might want to spend lots of time bonding with your new baby but don't expect your DS to feel the same way !!!
.Look at it from his POV ,his world will be totally upside down.Everything wil be different at home.
I think it will be really better for him to get out with his GPs and be the centre of attention .

YANBU
If you think you need that bonding time together, try to get it. Some women here do not need it at all and manage very well under any circumstances. But hey! some of us do need it. I would be shocked if ILS just announced that they are coming, without asking if dates are ok.
However I don't think that the email was a great idea. Wait and see how it goes when the relatives arrive.
I have arranged with FIL that they come a couple of weeks after baby is born. Last time I had them both in hospital seating in my room while I was half naked trying to breastfeed.

YANBU (except the bit about taking DD out!). I can see that you might want time to yourselves in the early days.

My DH and I have 3 lots of parents in total - his mum, my mum, and my dad and his wife, all of whom live far enough to need to stay. None of them are particularly interfering, and they are helpful, but When and if we ever have kids, I think I will ask that they all visit very briefly at first (maybe one or two nights max, and then come back much sooner than they would normally do.

This can be be explained to make sure that they get to see baby asap, but that you get to have time just as a family, and you have guests spread out, not all here at once which is helpful and gives you room to breathe, as you will also have people popping in locally, and you get to see parents again soon after you are settled, plus they will see baby grow a little!