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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For insisting that my kids get the bigger bedroom?

31 replies

MamaMeercat · 04/05/2009 17:54

I am due to move in with my partner and his 12 year old daughter in a few weeks.

It is a 3 bedroomed house and I have 2 boys.

It was agreed early on that my boys would be sharing a room and would therfore need the bigger bedroom. He said it was fairer that way and spoke to his DD who, after initial disapointment agreed too and said she would move into the small bedroom as long as we decorate it to her liking and get her a space saving cabin bed. We saw one which would be perfect, wardrobe, drawers, shelves and a desk all under the bed. She loved it.

Anyway I was talking to DP last night and the conversation went like this:

DP - "The first thing we need to do is sort out the kids bedroom situation"

me - "yes, it is ... "

DP - "Well, we can't really expect the boys to share that small bedroom, it wouldn't really work out ... would it? ... or would it? I mean ... girls have more stuff don't they?"

I made it clear that I'm not wanting to kick her out of her bedroom but if it was a case of my kids having to share a boxroom (they would have to get rid of most of their stuff, and even then they'd have no room in there for anything other than bunk beds and a set of drawers) I would prefer to stay living where I am. He quickly agreed that it wouldn't be fair and we would stick to plan a.

But this got me worrying, is he testing the water with me knowing full well that once I've moved in his DD won't move out of that room?

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my kids get the bigger room? Even though she was in it first?

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 04/05/2009 17:58

YANBU. More people = need more space. 12 is old enbough to understand this.

Are you really worried that his DD won't move? Will she squat in the bigger bedroom like some sort of protester. Mske it clear that it's either move nicely and get new furniture and nice decorating or be moved by force without anything new or nice.

edam · 04/05/2009 17:59

Ooh, that's a tricky one. Because of course your two boys can't share a box room but equally it is asking a lot of your partner's dd to give up her room in favour of your kids.

All the cabin bed and decorating stuff sounds very sensible. But be prepared for some resentment and brief your boys to be very tactful - this is your step-dd's home and they are incomers.

Stepfamilies are complicated enough without all this giving up one's room stuff as well. I wish you luck!

hotbot · 04/05/2009 17:59

dont move in until the room is sorted, it will be much easier to organise without everyone there. think of all your stuff and their stuff cluttering up the house while you try to decorate. the 12yr old could maybr help do out the boys big room as well - fresh start and all that?

Arcadie · 04/05/2009 18:00

no. yanbu. 2 kids should get the bigger room. Have a sit down conversation with him over a cup of coffee where you work through the problem together rather than going into it defensively.

mum23monkeys · 04/05/2009 18:01

Of course it makes sense for two children sharing to get the bigger bedroom.

Just re-read your post - so his dd is already in the larger bedroom and would have to move? Mmmm, 12 year olds can be pretty stroppy and make life fairly difficult. But you are in the right. It has already been decided between you and your dp who are the adults, and I think you ought to follow through, particularly because it does not make sense for 2 boys to share a titchy room where one child gets a bigger room.

I've never been in this sort of situation but I would be tempted to go in all smiling and approach dp's dd with a "ooh, how exciting, when shall we go and buy your new bed? Have you thought about paint? Shall we get new mirrors" etc etc. Hopefully then she will feel special rather than pushed out.

hercules1 · 04/05/2009 18:01

That's a really hard one. I would have been devastated for a long time had I been her at 12.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 04/05/2009 18:01

Seems a bit of a no brainer -- she gets her own room, so it should be smaller; they have to share, so they get the bigger one.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/05/2009 18:25

alternatively, say to him that the 2 boys can have the adults bedroom and you and him will squeeze some sort of bed into the box room, if he doesn't want his daughter to move rooms...

2 kids cannot share a box room, that's ridiculous.

TheProfiteroleThief · 04/05/2009 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigusBumus · 04/05/2009 18:42

YANBU, we are a "Blended Family" too and i moved in when pregnant with our son. We both had a 3 year old boy from our previous marriages. We live in a 4 bed house and its important that we retain a spare room for various reasons. My son got the tiny room and his son remained in a much bigger room although he was only there every other weekend! When the bay was born, it was suggested that he be put into the tiny room with my son. Thus leaving his sons large room empty for all the time except 4 nights a week.

In the end i had had enough of that idea and flatly refused and we had a big row about it. It turned out it all stemmed from his guilt/sadness at his marriage failing and we worked it out.

Now the 2 boys (now aged 6) share the lager room with bunk beds and the toddler has the small room to himself.

I think the daughter should move to the smaller room, but get her own special decoration / TV DVD or whatever to compensate. Sure she'll be moody, but hey, she'll get over it.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 18:42

I think it's a real problem. Logically of course the original plan is the only way to do it.

But like herc and profiterole say, there is a big emotional side to all of this, and the DD may well be extremely resentful for a long time which is not the best foot to start out on...

FabulousBakerGirl · 04/05/2009 18:45

YANBU

Presumably if you had the one child and your OH had the two, his two would get the bigger room?

A 12 year old can't be given in to just because Dad is feeling guilty.

fossa · 04/05/2009 18:48

Hmmm. when I moved in with now dh, I put my son in the boxroom, even though the larger room was only used by his two every other weekend for access visits, so empty about 85% of the time.

Just didn't seem a good start to evict them IYSWIM.

However, the big room was where the games console/computer was, and DS has always used it for that whether his stepbrothers are here or not.

very tricky situation, I don't envy you.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 18:52

Thing is bigbum, there is a big difference between a 12 year old and a 3 year old.

Having your own space when you're that age is hugely important and I worry that she won't "get over it" very quickly at all, if ever.

Don't forget she is nearly a teenage girl.

Bottom line OP is, you know the DD, how do you think she will take it? Have you discussed it with her? She needs to be onside and part of the agreement rather than just "moved".

greenelephant · 04/05/2009 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BigusBumus · 04/05/2009 18:57

Hmmm youre right BBBB.. theres a huge diference..so perhaps my situation wasn't very helpful.

MAmameerkat, how is she in general about the new relationship? Does she like your sons? Is there any lingering resentment there anyway, regardless of the rooms?

katiestar · 04/05/2009 18:59

. But you don't know that his DD is having 2nd thoughts it might just be your DP not being up to speed with what's been decided.
I don't suppose there is any possibility of loft conversion or an extension ?

brettgirl2 · 04/05/2009 19:03

Do you think he was just speaking out loud in terms of perhaps giving her some extra storage space somewhere else in the house?

How small is the room?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 19:04

Has it actually all been discussed with the DD? Bigbum asks good questions.

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 19:15

I don't think you should move in until it is sorted out. Are all the DCs happy with the move? I don't think that if I was an only DD of 12 I would suddenly want to live with 2 DSs and have to give up my bedroom. Have they had lots of time together and do they feel like siblings? If not-I would wait longer.

LovingTheRain · 04/05/2009 19:17

From your point of view, YANBU to expect yours boys to have the bigger room as they are going to need it, what with all their toys etc as little boys have

However, i feel that is unreasonable to expect his Dd to move out of her room to make way for her step brothers.
I think there would always be an element of resentment there and would probably get thrown back in yours and your DPs face anytime a row broke out. She is always going to feel like she has been pushed out.
Are there any other possibilities? Could she keep her room, yours boys have the main bedroom and you and dp in the box room?
Could he move in with you/ could you buy/rent a new house where even if her room was smaller, it would have been hers from the start?

piscesmoon · 04/05/2009 19:18

Probably it isn't a financial possibility, but a house that is new to all would be better -it is very difficult moving into someone else's home.

snickersnack · 04/05/2009 19:19

I would have struggled with that a lot when I was 12. Is there a chance of you talking to her? Make it clear it's about space, rather than wanting your boys to have the better room? And offering to take her shopping, just you and her, to buy some special things for her room? I don't know what your relationship with her is like, but try and make it feel special for her. And maybe a small "thank you for moving rooms" present for her from your dcs.

JemL · 04/05/2009 20:37

I had to move out of my room to accomodate my two younger half sisters and stepsister (long story...) I went from having the largest room to the box room. I can honestly say although I was a bit stroppy at the time, I got over it quickly and it certainly had no long term effect on me.

The only other solution is that you and he get a small double bed and have the little room!

Original poster

MamaMeercat · 04/05/2009 20:59

Thanks for the replies. I do feel guilty about her losing the room but there is no other way to do it really. We can't afford to move yet.

We had a look in her bedroom today and everything she has in there is just junk, stuff that's broken that she doesn't even want anymore. She has far less stuff than one of my boys, never mind both.

To be honest, she has been ok with it and has been mentioning how she wants the bedroom to look. I was just a bit at DP trying to suggest keeping two kids in a box room.

OP posts:

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