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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dad being weird about money and time

57 replies

MumOfBaby · 04/05/2009 15:18

I recently borrowed some money towards my house deposit from my dad. I have promised that I will have this back to him by December, he agreed, all good.

He also insisted on paying for my wedding. I said I was going to pay but I couldn't afford everyone, so only DP, me and DS would be going- and we'd be getting married abroad. He threw a paddy and wouldn't speak to me for 3 months as he wanted to pay and for the whole family to come- so he is paying and they are coming.

However, today I was on the phone, moaning to my mum about the weather on bank holiday, looking out at the rain and said 'I wanted to go to the park but it's blardy awful. You can buy me a jacket if you like mum' then laughed. She said 'You're joking arn't you, I can't afford owt at the moment. Actually, I've got your jacket here, your dad's coming over in a bit I'll get him to take you it.'

So when dad gets here, he keeps pretending to fall asleep when I'm talking because he insists all day every day that he is the most tired person on earth because he thinks he works harder than anyone, and goes on and on about it none stop, particularly if he does anything for anyone.

Anyway, I thought that was rude enough.

Then he says his accountant has said he's worse off than last year when he's worked even harder. I said 'Oh how come?' and he said 'well I'm paying for the wedding and you and your sister want money off us all the time and we never do anything for our selves.' etc etc. Then he said 'I need to talk to you and [dp] about money'. I said 'Oh, well hopefully I can pay you back next month'. I always get treated like a spoilt child.

So I rang my mum and said how come he's going on about money again? She said 'because you asked for a jacket'. I said 'I was joking!'

Apparently when she hung up he asked what I'd said and she told him and he was whinging.

Is it not all a bit silly? He shouldn't lend money if he's going to get all funny about it. I've been very greatful. I bought him wine and a thankyou card and promised that he'll have the money back by when he wants it back.

AIBU to feel a bit upset about it?

OP posts:

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 15:50

I can understand why your dad was upset about not being able to come to your wedding, or the rest of the family. I can understand why he felt he had to offer to pay and I can understand why he feels pissed off about it - he didn't really have a choice.

Most people I know who have got married abroad it's not because of money, it's because they don't want a big wedding, the don't want people there etc. Not because of cost.

Do you want your family at your wedding? If not then you should get married abroad as arranged. If you do want them there you should be arranging something that you can afford rather than guilting your dad into paying.

Sorry.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 04/05/2009 15:52

I would have liked to just go away dp, baby and I and get married without everyone being there anyway. It's a very big thing for us without all the fancyness and everyone going. It's about the commitment and us having a nice relaxing time together away from work. It's important to us to get married and there's no way I'm post poning it.

I don't have any money from any1 except the house deposit because otherwise we'd be renting for the rest fo our lives and he offered.

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 04/05/2009 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Eve4Walle · 04/05/2009 15:56

Don't borrow any money from family unless you really can't help it...I know from bitter experience that it very rarely works out without one or both parties becoming disgruntled about something or other.

With regards to your wedding, you could have had a cheap register office wedding here if you really just wanted to get married without the fuss.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 15:58

If you don't want your family at the wedding then why have you accepted the money from your dad to pay for the big wedding?

So you will have a wedding you don't want, with people there you don't want, and you will be indebted to your dad (even if he doesn't actually ask for the money back). As he is paying your parents will probably have a lot of say-so in the decision making.

Why don't you want your parents at your wedding out of interest?

If it's just about you DP and baby why not have a quiet registry do and not tell anyone and then go on a nice holiday? Or do it on holiday and not tell anyone?

i don't really understand how you've got yourself into this.

booyhoo · 04/05/2009 15:59

im renting, and will be until OH and i have saved enough for a deposit. my parents could easily afford to help me out, and have offered to in the past but really why should they. im an adult, i am responsible for my life choices and if i dont want to rent anymore then i need to knuckle down and save faster. and if we rent for the rest of our lives then thats our choice and nobody elses responsibility.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 04/05/2009 16:05

Don't get me wrong I'm not against people getting help from family - booyhoo TBH if I was in your position and being offered a deposit as a gift, with genuinely no strings attached, then I would take it!

It's when money is lent without proper understandings about how/when it should be paid back, or the person doing the lending will go on about it forever, or is it is supposedly a gift but in actual fact payment will be extracted emotionally etc then I think it's by far the best course of action to simply so no thanks.

Jaypickle · 04/05/2009 16:22

I think it was a mistake to accept the money for the wedding if it really wasn't what you wanted.
But whatever about why they are giving you money, it just sounds like your joke was in poor taste. You took one loan and one gift of money from them....not on to joke about them buying you anything, IMO.

YABU, and you prob need to sit down with them and arrange exactly when you will pay back the loan, and maybe even give back the wedding cash.

SerendipitousHarlot · 04/05/2009 16:27

I'm a bit confused as to how you think getting married abroad would be cheaper? I did the whole thing, everything included for under £500!

MollieO · 04/05/2009 16:56

I think it is a bit unreasonable to plan to get married abroad and not think about your close family attending. If it were me then I would be doing the registry office thing or if that was something I really didn't want to do then I would save up and do it abroad with family and pay for it myself. I assume that your father felt he had no choice but to pay for himself, your mother and for other relatives to come to your wedding.

If you didn't want your family at your wedding then you should be honest and say so and accept the consequences - end of dad bank I would imagine.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 04/05/2009 18:40

It's not that I don't WANT them to go, it's that I'd like to have a nice wedding and the only important people in that are DP, baby and I. I wouldn't want a registry office wedding I'm afraid. No offence to anyone who's had one but it's not for me. And I want to do what makes DP and I happy.

Bad choice taking deposit money from dad but I didn't want to lose the house and was on the verge. Fortunately I can pay him back next month (which means I will only have borrowed his money for 2 months) as we have money coming through, and we picked up post from our old house today which confirms that woohoo

OP posts:

cory · 04/05/2009 18:46

You don't seem to be thinking much about what will be making your mum and dad happy.

Don't you like them?

If this is the case, then I personally would not be taking money from them either.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 04/05/2009 18:52

I love them to bits. I suppose I am being a little selfish. I think I should be a bit nicer to them. They are great. It's just me being irritated by everything.

OP posts:

beanieb · 04/05/2009 18:52

MAybe you could have a register office wedding and a party to ease the cost on your dad a bit. OR insist that you would rather not have him stretch himself and tell him that you're going back to plan A and doing it abroad?

beanieb · 04/05/2009 18:53

and if the wedding is about commitment then wouldn't a register office wedding be just that? Maybe with a relaxing holiday afterwards? Compromise on the ceremony and still get your trip abroad - sounds ideal to me.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 04/05/2009 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 04/05/2009 18:56

Not really, they are very caught up in my sister and they do everything with her.

OP posts:

JoPie · 04/05/2009 19:23

how old are you? and your sister?

You do sound quite immature.

katiestar · 04/05/2009 19:31

I think every one is a bit jittery about money.
i would be worrying he has promised something and is now worrying about how he can afford it ?Is he self employed,or in a situation where his job might be at risk?

cory · 04/05/2009 19:43

agree with katiestar

I think this could be a time when he needs your support rather than the other way round

admittedly, you may not be able to help him financially, but there are other ways of helping

lending an ear, understanding that he will get tired out and stressed if he is worrying about business, letting him know that his happiness is important to you

it does sound a bit as if you hadn't quite come to terms with the fact that when you are grown-up it's not just about your parents looking out for you: it's a two-way system -until they get old and frail and the balance shifts to more of you propping them up (we have now got to this stage with MIL)

it is a scary time for self-employed people at the moment

the most reassuring thing would be for him to hear that you won't keep on expecting more and more money, and that your love for him and your interest in him are not dependent on what he can give

if he has been able to help you out in the past, he may have a subconscious fear that your relationship will suffer the day he is no longer able to do this

reassure, reassure, reassure

explain that the jacket thing was just a silly joke and that you realise now it was insensitive if he is worrying about business

ThePhantomPlopper · 04/05/2009 19:45

"You can buy me a jacket if you like Mum" what an odd joke. Sounds like you were hinting or something.

The wedding thing is ridiculous on both sides, he shouldn't have offered to pay if he was going to get odd, but you seem to be taking advantage of his generosity.

SarfEast · 04/05/2009 19:48

I agree with Katiestar, money is really tight for everyone at the moment, even if people aren't worried about losing their jobs their investments are worth less and less. Very worrying time.

cheekster · 04/05/2009 19:48

TBH, I can see why he was offended, the coat joke did seem a little cheeky, even if you were joking.

ruddynorah · 04/05/2009 19:51

you sound dreadfully selfish.

Original poster

MumOfBaby · 04/05/2009 20:37

The jacket joke is out of context- my mum was telling me to take the baby to the park to feed the ducks and it was cold and rainy and I was joking about her having knicked my jacket because she borrowed it ages ago and I never got it back.

Doesn't matter, clearly IABU and I'm selfish so I'll take it on board and change.

OP posts:

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