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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this man is a total arse?

32 replies

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 19:59

DH and I were upstairs moving furniture whilst watching DD aged 9 playing in the garden with my neighbour's DD aged 3. They often exchange toys through the garden fence and have a lovely time. On this occasion they were playing at having a tea party.

I came down after a few minutes to find my daughter in tears gibbering that she was only playing a pretend game that the neighbour's DD's sand was a biscuit and that she'd licked it when it was passed to her and that she was in trouble.

I sat at the back door and listened to the little girl's Dad rant and rave in a really passive-aggressive way apparently to his DD about how she shouldn't put sand in her mouth just because another kid told her to. Or stones. It was stones last time and how my DD is "bloody horrible" to her and that she should come away from the fence.

Told DH what was going on and our DD was duly scolded about how silly it is to play with a much younger child in this manner but tbh I am still fuming about how little my neighbour understands about how children play. DD did not intend any malice and was really upset. AIBU to think that a grown adult should have called out to DH and I in order to discuss it in a sensible manner?

OP posts:

NoBiggy · 02/05/2009 20:02

Arse.

World is full of them.

cocolepew · 02/05/2009 20:02

He's sounds like a twunt, do you think he was speaking to his DD so you could hear?

BigBellasBeerBelly · 02/05/2009 20:04

Well my DD is only 2 so I don't know about older ones, but I have friends with DDs that age (5 - 10) and I would be very upset if they were playing games with DD like that. It really upsets me when the big ones get the little ones to do stuff like this on purpose, and they do it because they look up to the older child.

Sorry.

MadamDeathstare · 02/05/2009 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocolepew · 02/05/2009 20:12

It doesn't sound like NN's DD was 'doing it on purpose' to be cruel. They were playing pretend and the younger child licked it, not unusal and not poisonious.

Swedes · 02/05/2009 20:17

I would go round there and tell him your DD is terribly upset that the daddy next door was shouting and telling off the poor small child and can he reassure your DD that the small girl is OK.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 02/05/2009 20:18

Who said anything about poisonous?

I do get really upset when older children do this sort of thing to the little ones.

Certainly on the couple of occasions this sort of thing has happened to DD the older child has known full well that they weren't being very nice.

I am seeing this exclusively from the side of the little one though, i don't have a bigger one.

Original poster

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 20:19

Um, BBBB but she wasn't getting their PFB to eat things on purpose, it was an imaginary game. Imaginary games are good things. My DD pretended to eat the "biscuit". It wasn't as if she was saying, "Oh go on and eat the sand, do, it's great!" I know there are children who do those sorts of things but apart from her school friends DD doesn't play with other children and was just being a bit daft and irresponsible IMO.

And yes my neighbour was definitely saying those things so that DD could hear. Actually it was probably just as well that he didn't confront her with his jumped-to conclusions. His GF incidentally was mortified when DH made DD apologise for not thinking. He didn't even come outside to speak to us then.

OP posts:

DuffyFluckling · 02/05/2009 20:22

Obviously he's an arse with the angry chuntering for your benefit.

I would be upset though if my dd was playing with a 9-year-old who had previously had her eat stones and now sand.

Original poster

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 20:23

Oh and it was the neighbour's PFB who said that the sand was a biscuit and passed it through the fence. (Gawd this is turning into an AIBU By Stealth!) Why else would you pass a biscuit-shaped piece or sand to someone? How is it my daughter's fault for instigating it?

OP posts:

BigBellasBeerBelly · 02/05/2009 20:24

Fair enough ninky I am transmitting my own PFB trauma onto your situation!

I know some children can and do do this sort of thing to little ones and I get irrationally upset about it - it's a powerful taking advantage of powerless sitution and for some reason it gets me every time.

Why did your DD have to go and apologise though, if it was a genuine mistake? Isn't that a bit passive aggressive as well? (It's the sort of thing I would do and I definitely fall into the passive aggressive camp).

izyboy · 02/05/2009 20:28

Oh ffs people are so precious sometimes. It is just a kids game. All it needed was a bit of an explaination to them both. Anyway my DD first 'ate' sand from the sandpit when she was 12mnths she wouldnt do it again!

Original poster

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 20:29

She was told to apologise because she should have thought about what she was doing in encouraging the pretend eating of choking hazards. I suppose because we have a toddler DS who is our PFB2 we thought that she should not have done that.

OP posts:

izyboy · 02/05/2009 20:30

MY ds LOVES pretend games he's 5 and would never see it as a 'power' thing, this is just the sort of game he would do quite innocently.

Original poster

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 20:32

MadamDeathstare that's a great explanation

OP posts:

izyboy · 02/05/2009 20:33

Yeah, unfortunately it is his DDs loss.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 02/05/2009 20:34

9 isn't 5 though. 9 is pretty big.

And at 9, and especially with girls, they can be really nasty. I have seen it in action and there have been plenty of threads on here as well.

I really think I am seeing this through things that have happened to DD, where the older children really were being horrible, and it is something I get worked up about.

Accept that it wasn't the case with ninky's DD.

izyboy · 02/05/2009 20:36

Well sure big, but either way, a bit of rational discussion is what is needed not loud 'blaming' and telling off via his 3 yr old. How confusing!

izyboy · 02/05/2009 20:39

....but having said that... I now have memories of my bf having dog poo served to her by older girls while she was blindfolded. She must have been about 7 ish at the time so I am sure you are right as well Big.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 02/05/2009 20:39

Must admit it's a bit odd to yell at a 3 year old anoit something like that.

Maybe he just doesn't want her playing with ninky's DD for some reason.

BigBellasBeerBelly · 02/05/2009 20:41

"anoit" = about

I just worry about my DD I suppose, she is so trusting. Definitely projecting my own fears onto this!

PinkTulips · 02/05/2009 20:41

well our neighbours 8 year old kid hit my 2 year old in the back with a rock 2 days ago so personally i'd swap him for sand biscuits in a heartbeat

in your neighbours defense though is the lo his oldest/only child? he may not understand that your dd is still very little herself iyswim? i know when dd was tiny all other kids seemed really old and grown up in comparison and i got cross at things they did to her, it's only now she's a little older i'm understanding that they are still babies mentally for years to come.

Original poster

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 20:46

Oh I forgot - (AIBU By Stealth creeping in again) his DD was horribly upset and crying by the fence as he told her to come in. This was while my daughter was inside with me trying to explain what had happened. Poor little thing was crying and calling DD's name over and over

I would avoid having them play together in the future when he's about but I can never tell when that will be. He doesn't seem to work. He lives there full-time but never parks his car in the bays in front of the houses and when I get bills mistakenly put through my letterbox they are only ever addressed to his GF so I'm not even sure he's supposed to be there

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 02/05/2009 20:46

Hmmm. Parents of very little ones can be quite mad. He however was very unpleasant. Kidnap him, tie him down and feed him sand cakes.

Original poster

Ninkynork · 02/05/2009 20:49

Sorry to hear that Pinktulips (and BBBB of course, you are being very patient and dare I say reasonable), how awful! I too have seen DD being victimised by older horrid children and I could scarely contain my rage when it happened so I do know what it's like.

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