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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my son to be treated the same as his cousins?

47 replies

PM73 · 02/05/2009 08:54

Dh has a younger sister who has always been the favoured one & this has carried on to the grandchildren.

Sil has 2 girls & we have our son,just before Christmas our ds caught chicken pox & has mil has various illnesses we rung them & told them ds had chicken pox & they then said 'oh right we will stay away then' fair enough as we dont want anyone else to catch it.

They never came round for 2 weeks.

Then last week sil's lo's both get chicken pox & the outlaws inlaws have them to stay in the day for visits & days out

Am i being unreasonable to think that if they couldnt visit my son when he was poorly they shouldnt visit sil's lo's & have them to sleep over at their house?

OP posts:
aGalChangedHerName · 02/05/2009 08:59

Give up now!!!

I have this from both sets of GP's. My db was the favourite and so are his dc. DH's ds was the favourite and her dc are too.

There is nothing you can do. My elder dc's hardly speak to my mum anymore tbh and although it's sad what can you do?

Just live your own life and don't expect anything from them and you cannot be disappointed if/when they let you down.

I know how shit you feel tho

monkeypinkmonkey · 02/05/2009 09:03

Is not more situational than favouring? i.e. how far away do you live? does sil live closer?
Or is it just plain and simple the fact that mil is close to her daughter. How is your relationship with in-laws?

Original poster
PM73 · 02/05/2009 09:08

We live nearer to them than sil does,we are about 2 mins away by car & sil is about 5 mins away by car.

It is def favouring as there are many,many more examples of it.

TBH i dont give a flying fig how they treat me but they should treat their gc all the same,they only have 3 ffs.

For instance they made the effort to go to sils dd1 nursery nativity & easter parade but couldnt be arsed were too busy for our sons.

OP posts:
RaspberryBlower · 02/05/2009 09:15

Maybe when ds had it they were worried about passing it on to the other grandchildren? They don't seem to be bothered about MIL getting it.

Otherwise, are you saying they were looking for an excuse to stay away from you and your ds?

dizzydixies · 02/05/2009 09:19

agree, give up - you can choose your friends which is to help you cope with your family

PIL see our kids once, maybe twice a year and my parents were hopeless too. its their loss, move on and remember to enjoy your ds

Bucharest · 02/05/2009 09:25

Yeah, forget the DNA and concentrate on real genune relationships with friends....
My dd has never received a sausage from paternal gps while the other 12 g/children are showered with stuff. Likewise dp, his parents virtually keep the other scroungers but we've never had a penny.

dizzydixies · 02/05/2009 09:31

my aunt and one of my friends (an older lady) are more like GPs to my lot so they don't miss out

it is frustrating and I wasted a lot of time being angry about it before thinking sod it, their loss not mine

Niftyblue · 02/05/2009 09:32

Its just not worth it

Had it from PIL many times
They favour SIL 2 more than the other 6gc
MIL even admitted to me she does`nt even like BIL 4 kids and if she wants to give them a fiver for christmas she will
While SIL 2 kids get 20 quid
We get 10quid

Walk away and think its their loss not yours

Original poster
PM73 · 02/05/2009 09:36

Thanks everyone,its their loss.

Tis just a shame for the lo's that gp's act like this.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 02/05/2009 09:47

It is a shame for the los....but while they are little, they won't notice...and when they are old enough to understand their gps are shits, they will understand, even without you having to be the bad guy and explaining it to them.
And then the gps will realise what they've done. That's the way I look at it anyway. What goes around....

1dilemma · 02/05/2009 10:05

I'ts sort of nice to see this is more common (IYSWIM) mil has told dh our dcs are less important, she can hardly bring herself to send them a birthday card (and sometimes doesn't).

Whne we visited she would vary between pointedly ignoring our dcs and making them sit and watch their cousins eat cake (literally)

I have as little to do wiht her as I can and it is still too much!

YorkshireRose · 02/05/2009 10:11

Pm - I agree, let them go, it is their loss.

Your DCs do not need to spend time with people who cannot appreciate how special they are.

Concentrate on relationships with your friends and other relatives with better attitudes.

My GF barely spoke to me or my siblings through my entire childhood and refused to go to any of our birthday parties. He just dropped my GM off! (My GM incidemtally loved us to bits).

I have never lost any sleep over this - I have no feelings for him and he his stupidity has certainly never affected my life!

Bucharest · 02/05/2009 10:13

Good lord 1dilemma- how vile.

Original poster
PM73 · 02/05/2009 10:18

I just wonder how they can treat lo's like this.

1dilemma - that is horrible,what a wicked woman she is.

Our ds has a full life mixing with his friends & tbh he doesnt miss what he has never had itms?

OP posts:
Gorionine · 02/05/2009 10:19

We have that here as well. The circumstances are different though , we live in the UK with our DCs, my parents and my sister live on the continent.

Whenever we go it is all fine with my mum but my dad does not seem at all to relate to my DCs and he just ignores them most of the time. It did hurt me a lot when I saw the relationship he does have with Dsis children.

I did blame myself a lot for it as I chose to live abroad.

YorkshireRose · 02/05/2009 10:19

1dilemma - I agree, what revolting people your ILs are.

I think you would be quite justified in stopping them having any contact with your DCs as they are so blatantly cruel to them.

Do they have mental problems?

Bucharest · 02/05/2009 10:22

Dunno Gorionine, I'm in the opposite situation sort of, in that I'm in Italy, my Mum is in the UK, and yet it's the evil inlaws (who live 10 mins away) who treat us like shit.
It does give me immense and perverse satisfaction though that dd seems to have no idea that the inlaws have the same relationship to her that my parents have...(it helps of course that we use the term in 2 different languages )

Fairynufff · 02/05/2009 10:54

I feel for you but IME Mums always feel closer to their daughter's children than their sons.

It never ceases to amaze me how daughter in laws always look at their MIL's faults and never their own. I witness this with my mum and SIL. My SIL claims my mum has never been close to her but she conveniently forgets how she snubbed my mum when her kids were born, never asked my mum for help, never made her feel welcome when she came round.

I told my MIL right from the start that my kids were just as much hers as mine and she should never feel that she had to ask my 'permission' to do anything. After that chat - you could see she really relaxed and bonded with my babies far more. MILs are always walking on eggshells around DILs IMO - they can't do right for doing wrong - and I dread when my son gets married!

Bucharest · 02/05/2009 11:13

When your MIL goes to the school you work at and tells the headmistress you're nothing better than a whore who has "stolen" her son then no, you're quite right, they can't do right for doing wrong. Looking for the right in my MIL would be the proverbial needle in a haystack.

Fairynufff · 02/05/2009 11:19

Bucharest - your MIL sounds deranged. That was not quite what I meant!

ssd · 02/05/2009 11:20

oh God don't!

MIL gave us £20 when we got married, gave SIL £1000!!!!

figure that one out.....

Original poster
PM73 · 02/05/2009 11:27

FairyNuff i am sorry but my son is MY son not mil's,i have been nothing but nice to them,i have them over for Christmas day,i cook her a meal on Mothers Day,i do her housework for her & ironing when she is poorly,sil does nothing.

I agree that Mums are closer to their daughters lo's but my Mum doesnt favour any of the gc over another.

OP posts:
ssd · 02/05/2009 11:47

agree PM73, I told my MIL when ds was born I wanted both her and my mum to be equally close to ds, but while my mum frew very fond of ds, MIL didn't make any effort, doesn't know what school they are at, doesn't know their day to day stuff as she has no interest

however much you try, sometimes MIL's shut themselves out

coppertop · 02/05/2009 12:11

Another similar situation here. My mum is happy to spend days or weeks at a time with her other grandchild. She rarely bothers with my children, to the extent that she hadn't even realised that ds2 had started school (he's 6 and in Yr1).

She's quite blatant in letting them know that she's cancelled a rare visit so that she can take their cousin out somewhere nice instead.

The end result is that they now have no interest in her either so she's the one who has lost out really.

IneedAbetterNickname · 02/05/2009 12:16

I know how you feel as my MIl is exactly the same i couldn't give 2 hoots how she treats me, but when DS1 asked me about a year ago (when he was 3 1/2) 'Mummy, how come whenever we see Gran she talks about Toby and how clever he is, and never tells me how clever I am?' I could have killed her for making him feel like that

It's definately not situational either, as we live a 20-30 min drive away, and SIL 1 hour -1 1/2hours! Even before MIL could drive she saw SIL more than us. To get to our house was a bus into town, then either a bus or 15 min walk out of town. To get to SIL it was a bus into town, then a train, then a bus or 30 min walk from the train station!

When DS2 was 3 weeks old, he was hospitalised and MIL 'couldn't' come and see him as SIL 'needed' her, she was 5 months pg at the time, and had an easy pregnancy!