to want my son to be treated the same as his cousins?

[PM73]

Dh has a younger sister who has always been the favoured one & this has carried on to the grandchildren.

Sil has 2 girls & we have our son,just before Christmas our ds caught chicken pox & has mil has various illnesses we rung them & told them ds had chicken pox & they then said 'oh right we will stay away then' fair enough as we dont want anyone else to catch it.

They never came round for 2 weeks.

Then last week sil's lo's both get chicken pox & the outlaws inlaws have them to stay in the day for visits & days out

Am i being unreasonable to think that if they couldnt visit my son when he was poorly they shouldnt visit sil's lo's & have them to sleep over at their house?

1Dilemma - that is vile from your MIL giving only SIL's children cake, but was SIL there? why didn't she say 'oy mum give everyone some cake you old boot'

Ironically, my DD was the "favoured" grandchild for years (with my parents) - and I hated it. It really took a toll on my relationship with my siblings, not to mention that with my parents, as I constantly tried to even things out between the grandchildren and confronting my parents on numerous occasions about their behaviour.

Believe it or not, a few years ago, my parents (who have serious control issues) were quite unhappy with some of my choices (moving further away from them, having another child, and basically not living my life the way THEY wanted me to), and they are no longer speaking to me. So they've decided not to speak to my kids or acknowledge them in any way either - no birthday or Christmas presents or cards - nothing. And God forgive me, this is soooo much easier all the way around.

My MIL, on the other hand, is a wonderful woman who never plays favourites.

thats interesting triggles, shows the other side a bit

my MIL ignores my kids in favour of her 50 yr old son, (BIL) but thats another thread......

Sorry don't agree with mums being closer to daughter/daughters kids at all. My mum likes/loves my brother way more than me and def favours his dc over mine

I do try to remember it's her loss but fuck me it's hard!!

PM73 - I'm not saying she is being fair. But human beings are not objective. If she feels like you do your 'duty' as a DIL but that is all it is, she isn't going to be comfortable around you - and unfortunately that extends to your children.

Of course your children aren't 'hers' literally but what I meant is - making her feel that she has a stake in their lives and that she is important is all part of the grandparent bonding. It sounds like it is too late now as they have their 'favourites' and that is sad.

I don't think for a minute YABU - favouritism is corrosive and awful but I'm just trying to put another POV as I see it...

I have it the other way round. My PIL are brilliant with my 2, and the eldest isn't even their GC! It's my own parents that are shite.

Triggles, my parents favoured my dnephew heavily to the point when we were all on holiday it was embarrassingly obvious - my poor brother was mortified and has since told me that he wouldn't blame me if I resented dnephew due to my mothers blatant bias towards him its a strange situation to be in I agree

sad thing is that the PIL can't see past SIL's kids and have seen my DD since she was born 9months ago only twice

I'm not going to waste any more time worrying about it as I've come to realise its nothing that I'm doing and my kids are absolute delights of course

My grandmother favours my son and barely acknowledges my niece and nephew, they have learnt to not really bother and dont pay her much attention, unfortunately for her my DS idolises his cousins so has started copying them! Its a shame really, but I tend to not feel sorry for her when she lavishes pretend attention on my bewildered nephew just to try and get my sons!

my first daughter is so favoured by my family it is embarassing. My parents really helped me out when she was little,mum was there when she was born and they used to collect her from school for me,she has a bedroom at their house still. She was the first grandchild and basically all my sisters adore her too-this causes problems in as much as they all think they should have a say in her life-if i say no to something they'll campaign for her/buy it for her etc.
my other daughter is grandchild number 14 or something and gets no fuss at all about her which is a shame but she doesn't really need it-it does upset dd1 though as she really loves her sister and wants her to be included in everything ie my sisters will ring and say 'we're going to such and such today does dd1 want to come with us' (but not dd2) dd2 is only 19months old and i am aware it's a totally different proposition btw.

Let it go, just forget it otherwise you will end up tying yourself up in knots.

Mine is the same, acts as if my son is nothing to do with them, belongs to someone else.
Completely OTT with my neice and nephew, picking up and taking to school every day, having over for weekends, taking them out in the holidays, having them for weeks on end in the holidays in fact.
My son, went round for the first time in 18 months for one hour becuase my mother had thrown my nephew a birthday party.
They never ask about him, they never mention him.
My son got my nephews birthday present from last year, becuase his parents didnt like it (twas jeans & t shirt), she wrapped it up for my son, saying that will do XX if they dont like it! That was one of many presents he got from my mother.

Just take deep breaths and push through your bottom, let it go......

I will stick my two'pennorth in...

my relationship with PIL'S has certainly changed in recent years and not for the better - combination of having children and being diagnosed with a food allergy which FIL thought was all in my head - he can be a bit of a twonk at times. But the children thing does change the dynamics and I find myself trying hard to tread that line of wanting them to be involved and see their grandchildren and getting ped off with some of their behaviour. I feel they do favour one granddaughter and that this has moved from eldest one a few years ago to the next oldest now. They are the sort of people who are quite judgemental so just as adults go out of favour with them then so do children. I think it is incumbent upon you as a parent to try as hard as you can to make the relationship between GP and child as good as possible and that means biting your tongue and letting things go. My FIL really gets on my nerves sometimes and I dislike him at times but I have to try not to let that show as I want them to have a good relationship with my children.

One thing I have stopped doing is asking them for help (done when we have been desperate) because you are just beholden then and it is harder to have an equal relationship with them.

PM73 - I thought I was the only one whose dc were treated unequally with other gc. The favouratism is so obvious. I swing between wanting to have it out once and for all with my parents to really find out what's going on, and other days thinking the best thing is to let it go, and that it's their loss etc etc.

It makes me so angry sometimes when I hear that my parents have yet again had my nieces for the weekend when they have not once had my children (although my dh works away a lot and I sometimes really struggle for weeks on my own) for even one afternoon.

I truely thought I was the only one! I also don't think that friends can take the place of family in certain circumstances.

It makes me very sad for my dc who will not have the kind of relationship with my parents that their cousins have. In fact, I'm gearing myself up for the head-on talk about it. I haven't got much to lose. Have you? Could you talk about it? Would it make you feel better to get it off your chest?

I think sometimes parents can inadvertantly cause the favouritism situation themselves a little.
MY SIL says that our MIL favours my children over hers, and to be honest, I think she does a little. But that could have something to do with the fact that I send my kids down to her to stay overnight or for an afternoon, not because I need a babysitter, but because they and she like it and enjoy spending time together. My SIL only does when she has something on, and won't let the kids stay overnight without her and her OH.
My MIL doesn' show favouritism blatently like some of the horrors mentioned here, its more than she is just obviously closer to my DS1 in particular, because they have a strong relationship which I have encouraged even though I have had differences with her.
My FIL favours SIL's children, though funnily she doesn't see anything wrong with that!

PS I'm not saying that anyone has had "brought it on themseleves" or anything, just making a related point.

Jaypickle that might be how is works with your lot but certainly didn't with mine - I've stopped making the effort as the kids are getting old enough to notice now as well

I have a son and a daughter as well as 2 stepsons and a stepdaughter.I am closest to my daughter who lives near me BUT I have 9 dgcs including 6 steps and I could never make any difference between the los.It is a horrid situation and you should let your m-i-l know that you have noticed the difference,

Thanks everyone for your pov's,it has given me food for thought.

mum23monkeys - you have especially given me food for thought,on one hand i want to have it all out in the open & just ask what the problem is but on the other i just want a quiet life

Just remembered another instance,when we planned our ds christening,sil started planning her dd christening (never stepped foot inside a church beforehand mind,except our wedding day) & pil paid for her christening cake & when sil asked for the money to pay the cake lady she didnt know dh & myself were sat in the lounge & fil shushed her up.Of course they never paid for our ds cake.

Why were your inlaws taking the other grandchildren for days out when they had chicken pox??

To give sil a break & a change of scenery for the girls cos they were poorly

Every night I build up courage to talk to my parents.... then every night I chicken out. I'm not sure I want to risk what is in many ways a very good relationship. But I find it gets to me more and more, and sooner or later it will tarnish the relationship anyway.

Reading this thread has given me more incentive to talk about it. It's not fair and it makes me realise how I can't just 'get over it'. Maybe I should, but I can't.

I really feel for you.

Another perspective for you, my pils are lovely but spoil sils 2 kids so much that they are turning out to be rather horrid children. If sil says no sweets before tea mil sneaks them to kids, constantly undermining etc. They never say please or thank you as don't have to and will throw a strop for stuff as they know they will soon get their way. (They are constantly at pils house btw)
My ds is only 16 weeks but they adore him and are constantly buying him toys already, I only hope I can get them to treat him differently don't want him to be as spoilt as his cousins. 6 year old dn got a wi and digital camera for Christmas ffs!
Not wishing to make light of your situation, it sounds horrible, I hope your lovely son doesn't notice too much.

Sil eldest dd really plays upto it now & whenever we have called round to their house when she is there she will cling to fil leg & peep out from round them saying to our ds 'my grandad'.

Our ds just looks at her like what?

Also fil calls sils dd's poppet & is all gentle with them whereas with our ds he calls him rascal & is really rough with him,our ds has glue ear so quite often has a sore ear & fil always rubs his ears & upsets him,even mil has to tell fil to stop being so rough with him.

I said to dh last night i am just going to let it wash over me as we only see them maybe twice a month,but the first time our ds says to us why is he treated differently then that is the time i will open my mouth.

I thought it was only us but reading this thread makes me see its not.

No it certainly is not just you, I have similar problem but like you I try and let it all wash over me. OMG its hard sometimes though, but I just try and keep our lives on an even keel and if they want to see us or DC then obviously I don't stop it, but I don't go out of my way to see them. It sounds like I'm being a stroppy cow but I am nice, polite and civil to them, just a bit distant IYKWIM, I'm certainly not gushy. FOrtunately we have lots of very good friends and they are our support network and life not family.

There will be difficult painful times for you ahead but I wish you the best of luck