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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked that a mum i know left her 5yo...

78 replies

noonar · 01/05/2009 19:13

... in the park playground 'unattended' while she popped home (150m away).

i need to qualify the word 'unattended' as there were one or 2 people in the park who know the child, but i know that none were asked to supervise the child in mum's absence.

i noticed that the child's mum wasnt there, and asked where she was, as i'd been intending to go and chat to her (we'd not yet said hello to each other). the child said that mum had popped home and i asked who was looking after her ...'you are' she said.

when the mum returned i told her that i'd had and odd convo with her LO and said 'x said you'd gone home' she said that she needed to pop back urgently, and had told x that i was in the park and given her the impression that i was watching her, yet she said nothing to me!

now, they do live v close to the park, and the park was full of familiar faces from school, so feels quite safe, but AIBU to be shocked that she left her?? i might've been just about to leave the park, for all she knew!

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 02/05/2009 19:34

"I live that close to the park and I cried with panic when my 9year old rugby-playing son asked for the first time to go to the park on his own."

blimey

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 02/05/2009 21:13

i lived on the road of a park in a very well to do area....

i do clearly remember panicking about my eight year old being there alone - so not sooo odd Franny

willowthewispa · 02/05/2009 21:20

Leaving the child in the park seems fine to me . I think we are a bit overly cautious in this country.

Telling the child someone was looking after them without asking that person is wrong imo, but saying to a child "I'll be back in 5 minutes, if you have a problem ask Jimmy's mum" is ok.

sachertorte · 02/05/2009 22:24

Every parent makes a judgement about what is suitable for their child depending on the child and the environemnt in which you live.

Children are probably at greatest risk from members of their own family in their own home or with extended family or close friends. How many Madelaine McCanns have their been? 1 in a million children? Not enough to lock up all children for the duration of their childhood! What are the figures for children who meet the fate of "Baby P" every year? Hundreds, every year? I´m sure someone can come in the statistics..

I am horrified at the idea of a 9 year old who has never been to the park on his own! THAT is shocking! I trust he must live in a crime-filled deprived area for this to be possible at all. Given he plays rugby, I suspect this is not the case?

If the little girl mentioned in this post had been involved in an accident, her mum would have been with her within a minute or so. If she had been spirited away, within a few minutes, in a very busy park where she was known by a number of parents there, I would be very surprised.

Dillydaydreamer · 02/05/2009 22:38

I suppose it depends where you live and how close friends you are/aquaintances iyswim. All the people who go to our park I would know well enough to leave dd1 (3yo) and dd2 (1yo) with while I pop back home. However, I live on a camp with a tight knit community. I think it was rude not to just say 'would you mind watching LO for me while I nip home for a minute?' At 5yo though I think in my own circumstances dd1 will be capable of going to the park on her own here (not neccesarily any other camp though iyswim) We only live round the corner from it.

DandyLioness · 02/05/2009 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MollieO · 02/05/2009 22:54

Our local park is about 150-200m away. Ds is nearly 5 and very sensible. Part of the walk is along a road without a footpath but it is quite and ds has very good road sense. Based on the various postings here I suppose it is perfectly reasonable to let him go to the park on his own tomorrow. It is a local park and we usually see someone we know so I reckon I needn't worry.

The only word I can think of to sum that up is absolutely barking.

The fact that the child was left in a park where other parents knew her mother is a complete red herring. Do you pay close attention to other people's children when you are in the park, even if you know them? I don't. I keep a good eye on ds and that is it. Everything else is peripheral.

Dillydaydreamer · 02/05/2009 23:03

I do look out for all children at the park and had to fish one out of a baby swing the other week! Maybe its due to childminding. I also tell other children off if they misbehave and are unsupervised

Dillydaydreamer · 02/05/2009 23:04

Forgot to say that there are no roads to go along to my park, its on the middle of a field Literally up a path surrounded by grass past one quiet car park.

Gillyan · 03/05/2009 00:11

YANBU

sachertorte · 03/05/2009 08:04

Mollie, based on the posts here there is nothing to think that it would be appropriate for a 5 year to walk along a road to the park on his/her own. That´s nonsense. Here you are going into an entirely different debate about when a child develops road sense and when it is reasonable to presume they can negotiate roads on their own. The park scenario is about where and how long a child can be left on her own in a pulic space.

Personally, I am not blinkered in a playground, watching only my child. How do you think this is going to help you assess any dangers? Do you and child live in a vacuum, unaffected by what is going on round you? You have no idea about what other kids are getting up to? IMO, based on my experience of my sensible 4 year old, there is no need to keep a close eye on a normal 5 year old and they should have freedom to play on their own. Adult company restricts what kids will do, have you never noticed that?

Mollie, do you allow your child to play alone out of your sight at home? How long for? Are any windows or doors open? Is it at all possible that someone could come in and abduct your child? This is a one in a million chance as well. Are you prepared for it? Or, JUST BECAUSE you are in your own home do you Based on your rationale then, don´t you have a false sense of security?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think some posters here have an entirely inappropriate sense of risk that is potentially very damaging to children. People should think more about the risks of bringing up a child who is incapable of walking to school independently, for fear of who may be around, or a child who doesn´t know how to use public transport because parents only use a private car, of a child who is scheduled into mainly organized supervised activities, rather left to independent play. This would worry me far more that leaving my child for a couple of minutes in a playground. Haven´t you seen the documentaries discussing these issues? And that they are talking about a large percentage of children nowadays...

DandyLioness · 03/05/2009 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Mummy2LZ · 03/05/2009 11:39

YANBU

To leave a 5yr old child without asking someone to watch them in a crowded park is totally unacceptable!
There is no doubt that if the child had an accident that the OP would have jumped to help, but she didn't know she was supposed to be watching!
Anything could have happened!

Maybe those who think that this is fine should ask Madeline's or Jamie Bulgers mothers!
They thought their children were safe too!

I sincerely hope this dosn't happen to anyone else.

This is not about wrapping our children up in cotton wool it is about letting them play safetly away from the monsters in this world.
I am not being dramatic they are out there just watch the news every day and you will see them!
There are plenty of other ways to let your kids grow up with their independance and self esteem intact!

ChasingSquirrels · 03/05/2009 11:51

but you only know those children's names because such incidents are so rare, there are just not 'monsters' on every corner.
Yes, undoubtable some such people do exist. And if I left my child in the park and something happened I would never forgive myself.
But I still believe that the risk is v v minimal.

onagar · 03/05/2009 13:55

ChasingSquirrels, that's exactly right. The media have screwed up people's perception of risk.

katiestar · 03/05/2009 14:53

Well it all depends on the situation.I would have absolutely no qualms about leaving my 5yr old at playground at the village sportsfield for a few minutes when friends were about.However not in a deserted city park .
I can't really see the problem.She was only gone 5 minutes.Any minor problem (a wee etc) would have waited til she came back .I the child had fallen and hurt herself seriously , then would you not help any child in this situation !

bergentulip · 03/05/2009 15:09

I'm with Sachertorte on this one! - Making a LOT of very valid points re. perceived risk and children's independance.

If I did not know someone in the park, assuming 150m from my own house, I would trust my 4yr old DS to be okay there on his own for 5mins anyway I think. If there were other parents there that I happened to be on nodding acquaintance with, I may or may not say something.
I would probably race to and from the house as fast as possible, and might even feel slightly anxious, shock horror, but I might consider doing it, all the same.

I have to learn to trust my children and let go a little bit, just as my children have to learn (in a controlled way) how to make it in the big wide world by themselves. Learn to be 'streetwise', as it were.
I'm not suggesting 4yrs old is the time to kick him out to make a living(!), but it's a very long, slow gradual process, and it has to start somewhere.

This mother knew her child and how sensible they were.

sachertorte · 03/05/2009 17:30

Thanks Bergen!

Dandy, I think the situation you found yourself in was different. You were left on your own with a child for a long and unknown period and were morally obliged to take responsibility for the child. The OP was not the only person around and not the only parent to know the child. And she knew the mother was 150 metres away! I think the point was the mum was not overly concerned about a short absence. And she just pointed out a friendly face was there if she needed someone in that time. The child didn´t even approach the OP, the OP approached HER! If I had gone 150m to the loo in a park I may or may not have told someone, but would have pointed out to my child who was there. If I didn´t even know the OP enough to speak to, I can imagine I would just shoot off and be back in a tick.

Having said this, I understand why some people think this is unacceptable.

LilyBolero · 03/05/2009 19:14

Mumm2LZ - 3000 people every year are killed in car accidents. And yet I would bet that you take your child in a car.

How many children were snatched and murdered last year? Nowhere near 3000 I would reckon. Yet, this is what we are worried about.

Mummy2LZ · 03/05/2009 20:17

How many children were snatched and murdered last year?? - Whatever the figure is too many!

You do what you feel is best and I will do the same.

rutyfruty · 03/05/2009 20:22

YANBU in the slightest All she had to do was to ask you. As you say if you don't know to watch a child you don't watch them.

FairLadyRantALot · 03/05/2009 20:34

btw...just a thought...for all we know the mum of the child never even told her dd that noonar was looking after her....for all we know the little girl just replied this because she was asked by noonar ...Kids say all sorts of things...

Heathcliffscathy · 03/05/2009 20:42

totally with sachertorte and northernlurker on this.

mad risk vs perception of risk ratio means that our children are massively overparented.

fine to leave child in park. fine to say x is over there if you need anything. the woman was gone 5 minutes.

blimey o reilley.

Greensneeze · 03/05/2009 20:43

I think if she was going to tell her child "x is over there if you need anything" it's rude and a bit odd not to mention it to x before going.

Heathcliffscathy · 03/05/2009 20:45

maybe she was desp for loo? maybe something was burning on stove? maybe she didn't say that!

the OP was more weighted to shock that the child was left at all then that she wasn't told. as the debate has developed the issue of not being told has been pushed to the forefront. the OP expected (i think possibly) to hear unanimous gasps of 'how could she!'.

I am so glad there is some balance and sanity.