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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to invite a mate/best man to our 'family only' wedding?

45 replies

MildWest · 01/05/2009 18:13

Ok, so we have decided to have a low-key family only wedding, then a party for family and friends the day after.

To my mind, low key means a simple, brief ceremony followed by drinks and dinner in a nice restaurant. Informal dress for me, no bridesmaids etc.

DP is insistent that his 'best man' comes to the wedding. He is seeing it as a formal occaision, whereas I have in mind something much more informal. I really don't see the need for a best man (plus he isn't family!!), but it's clouded by the fact that i also don't particularly like the best man - and DP knows this. Me and Best Man have only ever spoken about 2 words, to be honest I think he resents me slightly.

So, do I 'give in' and agree to the best man coming, only to be slightly annoyed that he is there, or really put my foot down? I have some close female friends who also know DP really well and we've spent a lot of time with as a couple - I would feel wrong to have 1 of his friends present who doesn't 'know' us as a couple, at the expense of my own friends, but as soon as we start inviting friends, the whole thing starts to snowball.

AIBU? Should I let (slightly unsavoury) best man come along, only to inevitably be annoyed about it on the day, or should I really out my foot down?

OP posts:
tiredemma · 01/05/2009 18:16

I would be pissed off if my DP told me thatI couldnt have my BF around on my wedding day.

janeite · 01/05/2009 18:17

YABU

Original poster
MildWest · 01/05/2009 18:18

Well quite, but if i invite my close friends too, then it's no longer family-only. I'd hoped that would give us an objective way of looking at it. Harumph.

OP posts:
juneybean · 01/05/2009 18:18

Could it not be like on Love Actually and BM actually likes you!!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/05/2009 18:18

It's DP's wedding too - why should your wishes take precedence? (If he's really insistant, and you'd only be "slightly annoyed") You might find you get along with the sleaze bag if you talk to him a bit more.

mumblechum · 01/05/2009 18:18

YABtotallyU. It's his wedding as well.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/05/2009 18:19

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SalBySea · 01/05/2009 18:20

some friends are like family, or indeed even closer.

Maybe he feels that his BM is more of a brother type than someone who can just be bunched into the general friends family and it would feel weird for him to not have him there

HecatesTwopenceworth · 01/05/2009 18:21

It's his wedding too. It obviously matters to him and I don't think it would be the best start to your marriage to be falling out over this, would it?

Far better to say "fair enough darling, if it's that important to you, we'll each have one non-family member there" then choose your best mate to be your, what? bridesmade? maid of honour? whatever?

Or compromise another way - family only wedding then party at your place / pub for all your mates later/soon after.

I know you want low-key, but I am also sure your friends would love to celebrate in some way with you.

Original poster
MildWest · 01/05/2009 18:22

Ok, but if i hadn't of said i didn't really like him, would I still BU?!! Surely family's family, and he ain't family (as Phil Mitchell might say?!)

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 01/05/2009 18:24

How have you only ever spoken two words to your DH-to-be's best friend? Does he live a long distance away? And how do you know you don't like him?

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/05/2009 18:24

yabu to say to you hubby to be that he cant have his bf there as best man

if you dont want a friend there as matron of honour/bridesmaid then thats up to you

but dont deprive him

DandyLioness · 01/05/2009 18:24

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mumblechum · 01/05/2009 18:25

We had 4 close friends and no family. Maybe your dh is closer to his best friend than his family, who knows.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/05/2009 18:26

"Family" is a faily flexible notion these days though. You seem to mean "blood relatives", but to me it would seem odd to invite some cousin you barely know rather than your DP's good friend. Relax, let DP have this man there and try not to snarl in the photos.

FAQinglovely · 01/05/2009 18:27

well just to expand on SalBySea's point about friends/family. I invited my parents and brother (and a few other members of my family too) to DS3's Christening..............the friends I invited were the ones I really wanted there (and thankfully all were bar one) as they are very much more like family to me than my blood family.

Original poster
MildWest · 01/05/2009 18:27

Of course it's his wedding too, I think I've spent more time thinking about it and doing stuff, so have more of a set idea about it maybe..

HT - we're having a party for everyone the next day.

I suppose another factor is that I really wouldn't be able to choose just 1 non-family guest, if I start going down that route it really does snowball.

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 01/05/2009 18:27

I cannot believe I posted that on this and your one in relationships without noticing my "bridesmade" error.

I am so ashamed.

SheWillBeLoved · 01/05/2009 18:29

Even if you hadn't said that you don't really like him, I'd still think YABU.

How on earth did you both agree to a 'low key family only' wedding, if he is insisting that his best man comes along?

Letting him share the day with his best friend isn't going to ruin the day. Not letting him however, probably will. I'd resent DP so much if he even so much as suggested that I can't share such a special day with my best friend(s).

georgimama · 01/05/2009 18:32

You'd be even more unreasonable if you hadn't said ou didn't like him. Imagine a thread on which the bride to be says her fiance won't let her have a bridesmaid. Imagine the fireworks.

You don't want your friends there, fine. But he evidently does.

Karam · 01/05/2009 18:57

Am I understanding this right...?

You are inviting said bloke to the wedding, not just as a random person, but also holding a major role in the ceremony. Then you're going send him home whilst the rest of you go off and celebrate?

I understand you not inviting other well wishers, but the wedding party (and that includes best man and bridesmaids) should all be included in the celebrations.
Very rude imho - so yes I'd say YABVVVU!

luckylady74 · 01/05/2009 19:02

Could you please expand on the 'unsavoury' nature? If he comes on to you when you meet or is a drug dealer then perhaps you'd have less YABU.

Original poster
MildWest · 01/05/2009 19:16

Ooh this is interesting...

Karam - the intention was that we'd have a low-key civil ceremony, with drinks and dinner for family, then a big party next day. Family means close family, i.e. family members we have both met and spend time with regularly, not long lost cousins from Bulgaria or whatever.

No formal wedding party as such at the ceremony, just me and 'im, so no bridesmaids, and therefore also no best man, no?

DP has 2 brothers he's really close to, and we spend a lot of time with them and their wives etc. They'd be at the actual wedding of course, and it'd be odd not to have them there. But to me, they are much more 'best manly' to DP then the proposed BM!!

Had thought that BM could have a role at the party-party, i.e. a speech at the beginning to welcome everyone, to mark him out from the rest of the mates, as it were....

OP posts:
TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 01/05/2009 19:21

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Original poster
MildWest · 01/05/2009 19:24

TFM - I've only spoken to BM a few times as he rarely comes over, if he does I'm generally out, we've never socialised so I've never really had a chance. But on the occasions I have, he's just a bit, well, odd. I get the impression he'd really rather NOT have to talk to me....

OP posts: