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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to invite a mate/best man to our 'family only' wedding?

45 replies

MildWest · 01/05/2009 18:13

Ok, so we have decided to have a low-key family only wedding, then a party for family and friends the day after.

To my mind, low key means a simple, brief ceremony followed by drinks and dinner in a nice restaurant. Informal dress for me, no bridesmaids etc.

DP is insistent that his 'best man' comes to the wedding. He is seeing it as a formal occaision, whereas I have in mind something much more informal. I really don't see the need for a best man (plus he isn't family!!), but it's clouded by the fact that i also don't particularly like the best man - and DP knows this. Me and Best Man have only ever spoken about 2 words, to be honest I think he resents me slightly.

So, do I 'give in' and agree to the best man coming, only to be slightly annoyed that he is there, or really put my foot down? I have some close female friends who also know DP really well and we've spent a lot of time with as a couple - I would feel wrong to have 1 of his friends present who doesn't 'know' us as a couple, at the expense of my own friends, but as soon as we start inviting friends, the whole thing starts to snowball.

AIBU? Should I let (slightly unsavoury) best man come along, only to inevitably be annoyed about it on the day, or should I really out my foot down?

OP posts:

Original poster

MildWest · 01/05/2009 19:39

LuckyLady - unsavoury - he hasn't ever had a job, drives a v. expensive car and turned up with a bottle of Cristal when DD arrived. Can't really imagine a situation in which and my dad have a chat IYKWIM!! Which doesn't really matter as they'll only meet once, but even so.

OP posts:

SalopianGirl · 01/05/2009 20:00

Erm, thats your definition of "unsavoury"!

2rebecca · 01/05/2009 20:22

It doesn't have to snowball just because he invites 1 friend. You could always invite 1 friend as well. If you feel inviting just 1 friend would cause whinging amongst your other friends then that's your problem. I think him wanting 1 friend to a big event in his life isn't asking much. My second wedding was close family only, but I pobably would have invited my bestfriend if sahe lived nearer, so if bloke had a close local friend would have been happy for him to come if bloke wanted.

Original poster

MildWest · 01/05/2009 20:44

Well yes, in that he makes a lot of money without having legal employment!!

OP posts:

Kimi · 01/05/2009 20:48

I can see both sides, but I do think YAB(abit)U

harpsichordcarrier · 01/05/2009 20:50

"put your foot down"
blimey
I think this is not the best way to start a marriage tbh, "putting your foot down"
YABU

Bluestocking · 01/05/2009 20:51

He sounds like a catch. Is he taken?

SpringySponge · 01/05/2009 20:52

To be controversial, we had a low key wedding - there were 9 guest in total. That was just immediate family. We excluded (close) aunts & uncles, etc., because inviting that level of family would have made the numbers swell massively. Never mind getting into the issue of friends. We both have friends who perhaps should've been invited on the basis of closeness (me more so than him, actually), but we decided not to invite them as it would've caused political issues as to who was part of the 'inner circle' & we didn't want to get into that / have a big wedding. By saying 'immediate family only' we kept it small & although I think a few people were a bit put out, it was obvious that it wasn't a personal slight.

BecauseIveSnuffedIt · 01/05/2009 20:57

You say:

"But to me, they are much more 'best manly' to DP then the proposed BM"

But it's not about you! It's what your DH-to-be wants.

YABVVVVU. And also, IMO, very controlling.

Have you even bothered to discuss what your partner wants or are you just dictating to him what the day will be like?

This is a bit of a giveaway:

"Of course it's his wedding too, I think I've spent more time thinking about it and doing stuff, so have more of a set idea about it maybe.."

You've taken over and aren't letting him say what he wants.

Not a good or healthy way to start a marriage I feel.

BrokenFlipFlop · 01/05/2009 21:16

Bluestocking that made me giggle

bigchris · 01/05/2009 21:21

you don't like his best mate
you can't agree on what kind of wedding to have and who to invite
are you sure you're a good match

ThePhantomPlopper · 01/05/2009 21:29

YABU.

Its your husbands day too, stop being bridezilla and let him have a say too.

YesSirICanBoogie · 01/05/2009 21:37

I sympathise! I can't stand DH's best man and only went along with it because it was a big-ish do and he blended in. Had it been a small family do and we'd agreed no friends then I'd have been furious that his choice would potentially have made me feel uneasy when it was supposed to be a carefree celebration - whatever your reasons for disliking him. I would never have chosen people to be part of the wedding party if DH didn't like them. In the end the best man and his wife sat at a different table from us so I didn't have to make uncomfortable chit-chat.

DandyLioness · 01/05/2009 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MildWest · 01/05/2009 21:57

Bluestocking he's only been single for ooh, 10 years?! Must be picky

Springy you've summed up what I'm getting at - we had agreed the actual ceremony would be family-only (and yes, we have talked about it!! Lots) to keep things simple and instead of having to select a few friends and risk offending, and now DP says 'family and of course BM' but he's not family, whichever way you look at it.

Because DP would happily let me arrange the whole thing, it took 3 weeks for me to persuade him to actually visit the ceremony venue and decide whether he liked it, he would happily have paid up and seen it for the first time on the day itself. I actually don't want that responsibility, odd as it may sound after all this

OP posts:

mumeeee · 01/05/2009 22:11

YABU.

Original poster

MildWest · 01/05/2009 22:15

Yes Does you DP know your feelings on BM?!

Dandy I agree, i think it's really odd that I don't know him - as mentioned at the beginning, DP knows 'my' friends really well and we all spend time together, go on hols together, as we do with his brothers. That's really important to me and it's great they all get along.

But he's not bothered about me knowing his mates - his mates are all single, and smoke at people house's or go out on lads nights - so it'd be odd for everyone concerned if I tagged along!! So v. little opportunity to get to know him..

OP posts:

georgimama · 02/05/2009 08:14

You're obviously not going to change your mind so not sure why you started this. Your fiance understandably assumed that he would be "allowed" a BM and that could be whoever he wanted.

Good luck telling him he can't.

Has it ever occurred to you that the friend might be independently wealthy? I mean he may be a drug dealer of course, but it is much more likely that he has money you don't know about - you've said yourself you don't know him.

Your fiance knows your friends well because you are the driving force in your joint social life and you arrange to socialise with your friends. It's quite obvious how all this has come about if you think about it for a moment.

Original poster

MildWest · 02/05/2009 08:30

Ok, so we talked it all through last night, and we've got a whole new wedding plan, family and close friends for the ceremony, then a party on the same day.

So the ceremony has gone from 25 to 50 people (once you include friend's partners).

Right, so now we've got that sorted I'm off to address my controlling nature , anyone know any good therapists ??

OP posts:

Nighbynight · 02/05/2009 08:48

so glad that you have sorted it out by talking! Hope you have a great day.

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