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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find it soo hard to let my DD have independence??

34 replies

MiserableMotherFlunker · 01/05/2009 15:41

DD is 12 and in Yr 7. Now she is wanting more freedom to go out independently and I am finding it hard to let go and just want to wrap her up in cotton wool for a few more years (pathetic I know). I normally pick her up after school (and drop her off in the AM) by car as it is too far to walk and Iwould'nt let her anyway. Now she is asking to walk into town with her friends (about 10 mins walk)and hangout then get the bus home (on her own as all of her friends live in other areas). I let her but am really anxious until she gets home. Also I don't know any of her friends parents and worry about her going to their houses. FFS I walked home (quite an isolated walk) from the age of 11 and I'm sure my mum thought nothing of it! Everytime I read something about something happening to a similar aged child (abduction/attacked/run over) I get myself into a lather about it. It is worse that she is a bit dizzy and I don't trust her to think for herself which is probably a disservice to her. I have 2 other younger kids as well so she is not an only child and has a mobile with her. AIBU!!

OP posts:
namebacon · 01/05/2009 15:45

How come you don't know any of your 12 year olds friends parents? That's a bit odd.

I think you know YABU. A parents job is to prepare their child, little by little, for adult life. Not do every thing for them so that they reach adulthood with no life skills.

kidowner · 01/05/2009 15:46

Get to know her friends mums first so that you can keep close checks and let her have more freedom.

Original poster
MiserableMotherFlunker · 01/05/2009 15:55

I hav'nt had a chance to get to meet with her school friends parents because I never see them as the kids are dropped off by car or walk on their own and when her friends have come here, the parents have dropped them off without getting out of the car. The school is out of our local area and DD was only 1 out of 2 girls (she does'nt like the other girl) in her primary year to go there so these are all new friends.

I know I am BU! but still can't help stressing!!

OP posts:
sleeplessinstretford · 01/05/2009 15:55

when they are at secondary school you don't tend to meet the mums as most kids make their own way there and back home again.

yabu btw-let her go!

bellavita · 01/05/2009 16:01

You need to start letting her do things

rumdontbotherreplyingmum · 01/05/2009 16:04

when my DD moved to secondary school she made a lot of new friends, I hardly know them, let alone their parents!

I think you could do a dummy run with her.. so she knows where to get the bus etc, or you could offer to pick them up and take them home... how about putting a time on it to start, say 2 hours, then letting her stay longer when she's shown you she can be trusted....
its hard when they're going up....

MrsBartlet · 01/05/2009 16:08

It is not at all odd to not know the parents of your dc's friends once they are at secondary as most of them make their own way to and form school so there is no hanging round chatting at the school gates. My dd is also 12 and in Y7 and I felt the same as you when she started in Y7. However I think the more you let her do the more you will get used to it. DD gets the bus to school and back and goes into town with her friends. I know you want to protect her but in reality I think children who are allowed to be more independent will actually be safer when they are out on their own as they will be have more experience of taking responsibility for themselves.

Nighbynight · 01/05/2009 16:15

My eldest dd is also 12. At the moment, she and 4 others have gone across teh fields to a river, where there is a little spit of gravel and stones, and they are going to light a fire and cook toast and bacon and an onion.

She walks to school, but everyone does round here.

I tend to discourage the sort of outing that you mentioned in your OP. The words "hanging around" are the problem. I am a single mother, out at work all day, and emphatically do not want my children hanging around the town. They have to be going somewhere, with someone knowing when they will get back. They are strictly forbidden from loitering.

I think its natural for us to worry!

Nighbynight · 01/05/2009 16:18

oh, I see it was "hang out". Hmm - visions of dope-smoking teenagers writing on the benches at the station. I mistrust "hanging out."

georgimama · 01/05/2009 16:21

Hmm, you are BU (a bit) to want to wrap your child up in cotton wool for the next five years (although I hope you were joking about that) but I have to say I have a horror of children "hanging about" (or "raking the streets" as my mother used to call it). If they aren't doing anything wrong, they can easily end up hanging about with someone who is, or just getting accused of it because gangs of kids loitering look suss.

I would let her do the walk and bus, but she has to come straight home. I had to.

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 16:30

I think you know you are being a bit unreasonable, but at the same time it is a mother's perogative to worry, you just need to be able to control that worry ewnough to trust your DD and give her opportunities to be more independant so she isn't so 'dizzy' as you put it.

Nightynight how ridiculous to assume hanging out involves dope smoking and writing on benches . Most 12 yr olds who 'hang-out' together aren't in fact doing those things. Would calling it something else other than hanging out make a difference?

georgimama · 01/05/2009 16:40

12 year olds are more than capable of "raking the streets" though, a suspicious activity likely to end in trouble sooner or later (usually for the least street wise of the group) and 12 year olds are perfectly capable of knowing 15 year olds, many of whom do smoke dope.

Nighbynight · 01/05/2009 16:41

Over, it is not ridiculous at all. That's what the 15 and 16 year olds are doing down our way! The ones whose parents let them "hang out" at 12. And how do you think grafitti gets on playgrounds, bus shelters, railway stations etc?
when we lived in plymouth, "hanging out" 12 year olds used to be having sex in the alley.

yes, call it what you like - loitering, hanging out, raking the streets - its the same thing, and just as undesirable.

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 16:42

of course georgiemama, but it's a bit unfair on 12 yr olds in general (or any teenagers for that matter) to assume they will be up to no good if they're just haning out together.

georgimama · 01/05/2009 16:44

I think nighbynight has the response to your post covered, overmydeadbody.

People will assume kids are up to no good. Often because they are.

Nighbynight · 01/05/2009 16:45

Well, I dont think it is unfair. They dont start out intending to get into trouble - it just happens!
My children have far more independence than they would in the UK - but they always have to be doing something. Going to school, going to a specific shop, going to a class.
the devil makes work for idle hands....

Nighbynight · 01/05/2009 16:46

I mean, doing something when they are out in the town, of course - they sit around plenty at home!

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 16:48

Nightynight I like to think that teenagers who do that sort of thing are in the minority, maybe I'm too trusting, but I see groups of 12-13 yr olds in the parks near me and most of them are just sitting in big groups on the grass chatting, reading magazines, drinking coke and eating copious amounts of sweets and crisps, and messing about with their bikes/skateboards on the ramps.

It's the kids who are allowed to roam the streets at night or after dark that I worry about...

pointydog · 01/05/2009 16:48

Phone up the other parents and chat to them about arrangements etc. Suss out how they feel - might make you relax more.

HarlotOTara · 01/05/2009 16:51

I got my dd a mobile phone when she was this age so that I could ring her or vice versa. Stopped a lot of angst on my part. Will be doing the same with youngest. The deal was she had to be home at an agreed time and if not wouldn't be allowed out again. She was always very good and rang me if the bus was late or something.

It is difficult letting go but maybe it needs to be at a pace you can both manage. A friend of my daughter was never allowed anywhere so when they were at 6th form college and the train was cancelled friend didn't know what to do,

Overmydeadbody · 01/05/2009 16:51

Well, I like to give teenagers the benefit of the doubt. I don't think the devil makes work for idle hands.

Nighbynight · 01/05/2009 17:03

If they've got a target and an agenda, I dont usually say no. It's aimless wandering that I am against!

Original poster
MiserableMotherFlunker · 01/05/2009 17:12

The hanging out is normally sitting on the grass in centre of the town doing handstands and chatting about boys (as far as I know ). I have already warned her about smoking and drinking and getting involved with older kids (and I smell her too ). I would rather she did not go into the town and do not allow it at weekends, only after school as most of her friends have to walk there to get the bus anyway and I do not want her to miss out on the only freedom she gets!!

She has a mobile but quite often 'accidentally' switches if off or does not hear it and when I ring her to find out what she's doing (about every 10mins) and she does not answer it, I immediately go into panic mode. I think the Milly Dowler case (recently in the news again) has made me even more neurotic as that poor girl only had a short walk home from the train and it was early afternoon when she was abducted .

OP posts:
pointydog · 01/05/2009 17:15

hmm, that is a problem, flunker. If you can't trust her to answer her phone, I think you should put your foot down a bit.

when dd1 is out and about, I have to be able to contact her.

georgimama · 01/05/2009 17:17

There is no point being paranoid about Millie Dowler or other such cases, horrific as they are. We hear all about them and know that poor girl's name precisely because these cases are incredibly rare. If it happened all the time we'd never have heard of her.

Ringing your daughter every ten minutes is going to make her switch her phone off, frankly. You either trust her, and give her clear perameters and let her get on with it, or you don't trust her. If you don't trust her for good reasons she needs the opportunity to regain your trust. If you are just flapping unreasonably you need to chill. Only you know which it is.