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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get cross that people ignore emails telling them about my MMC?

52 replies

Thandeka · 30/04/2009 22:27

A few people (good friends or so I thought) who I have decided to tell via email about my recent MMC at 10 weeks pregnant have just COMPLETELY ignored email/text about it, yet since they are fannying about on facebook etc I know they have probably got it.

I know sometimes people don't know what to say but I think leaving it longer than 24hours for a response (once you recieved email/text obv.) is just cruel. Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
duchesse · 30/04/2009 22:32

Sorry about your MMC- it stinks to find that out, especially if you didn't have any inkling in advance.

re your friends- They probably don't know what to say to you. I had similar from a few people when I had a MMC at 13 weeks. Many friends were lovely and knew exactly what to say, others don't deal with grief and loss so well. It's nothing personal- it's just a very raw emotional experience, which a lot of people choose to keep to themselves, which is why you generally only find out about other women's miscarriages when you start talking about your own.

berri · 30/04/2009 22:33

No you are not being unreasonable. I think you're probably right when you say that people are not sure what to say, and that is most likely the reason that they haven't responded yet, but having gone through the same thing at the same time I'd just like to say how sorry I am.

Sometimes awful things like this make you realise who really cares about your wellbeing and who doesn't, I remember when I went through the same thing one of my 'friends' kept saying I'd had a lucky escape and now I could carry on going out drinking etc!! Can you believe it.

I hope you're doing ok - stick with the friends you know are on your side.

scribblehead · 30/04/2009 22:38

No you're not being unreasonable and I'm so sorry. Maybe your friends feel that they should reply to you in person, face to face or by calling which they might not do so quickly as texting back. I hope you're ok.

Original poster
Thandeka · 30/04/2009 22:40

But I just dont get how people can't even manage a "i'm so sorry, I don't know what to say". I can totally take that no worries. In fact I laughed a lot at a mate who said "oh I'm so sorry [meaning about the MMC], I can't think of anything clever or funny to say". His honesty and daftness was perfect and just what I needed.

Are you guys still friends with your people who were useless after your losses?

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ClaireDeLoon · 30/04/2009 22:42

I'm very sorry about your mmc Thandeka.

I agree with duchesse people just don't know how to react. Those that react well are those that are mums already/have been through mc I found. Do you have some of your friends you can talk to?

RUNFORLOVE · 30/04/2009 22:42

I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby and that your friends are not being very supportive.

I would feel just like you!

I know my friends especially friends who have children would call me never mind email as soon as I sent the email out.

I know my friends who dont have children or interest in having any may not reply as fast because they would probably not feel any empathy (you cant blame them) towards me or understand what I'd gone through. I would not expect them to contact me so soon, but if I stated how upset in the email I was then I'm sure they would definitely get back to me.

I dont know your friends so I'm not sure if they are mothers themselves or if they are good confiders.

Sorry you feel let down by them and at least you have mumsnet to talk whenever you want.

Has this happened before to you?

It must have been such a shock, I cant imagine how I would feel.

My friend lost her baby at 11 weeks three years ago, she is not due abother baby and just had her 12 week scan and all is well.

Take care

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2009 22:44

i agree that they just don';t know what to say

were they aware that you were pregnant?

perhaps some of them just haven't checked their email yet, i don't always, even if i'm online doing other stuff

RUNFORLOVE · 30/04/2009 22:44

should read - she is now due.....

ClaireDeLoon · 30/04/2009 22:44

'Are you guys still friends with your people who were useless after your losses? '

Yeah, for me it was my brother, he was very unconcerned and self-obsessed as always. But in the end I came to terms with that, I had to.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 30/04/2009 22:49

I think that some people who don't have children or want them simply don't understand how upsetting it is - and some people who are great friends in other ways are just not much cop at dealing with a friend's distress.
You will find loads of understanding, sympathy and support on MN as so many other posters will have experienced the same or a similar thing and will hopefully be able to help you.

wickerman · 30/04/2009 22:51

Solid is right.

Sorry about your loss

duchesse · 30/04/2009 22:54

Claire- one of the best things anybody said came from a gay male friend. I can't remember the exact details, but was something about it being a real little fighter to have made it that far (there were many problems with that pregnancy). I think the single most important thing is to acknowledge the existence of the child, however short its life and to be sympathetic with the woman.

Original poster
Thandeka · 30/04/2009 23:00

I do have groovy friends who have been fabulous, so the ratio of groovy to crap is fine!

One friend I was very upset by was someone who is 5 weeks ahead of what I was (so now 16 weeks) anyhow she texted me to check how I was when I got back from hols (MMC happened day we got back) and another friend was supposed to tell her but hadn't managed to find her in time. Since it was the day after it happened I could only tell her by text as wasnt up for calling her and I heard NOTHING for almost 3 days (which admittedly could have been a phone fault cept it wasn't). In the end i had to text her again to check she was okay and she finally replied. This friend had IVF and we were going through all the traumas of TTC together. Now I know I know I know my rational brain says she was probably shocked and upset and even scared about her own situation didnt know how to react. My irrational brain currently hates her for not replying. She still gets to have her babies (twins) (well hopefully she will, I know now there are no guarentees) and I was very supportive with her through all her IVF and OHSS stuff, and a simple text back shouldn't have been so difficult for her. Grrrrrrrrr! But anyway will try to keep my caring rational nrain at the forefront for when I next see her (we work together and since was first day back saw her back today walking away down the corridoor- which am glad was only back as apparently she is big already and not quite ready to see that as will remind me of my loss.)

Ack thanks MNetters helps to rant! Don't worry about me though- am doing okay and getting counselling and stuff and about to take up knitting!

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DandyLioness · 30/04/2009 23:06

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ClaireDeLoon · 30/04/2009 23:08

It does sound like you have a lot to deal with and I'm glad you are getting counselling. Were you trying long? Maybe your friend actually felt guilty that she was still pregnant? I've never been in the postion she is in so that could be rubbish but it is just a thought. Take it easy - I had a lady (not a friend though just a colleague, so little interaction) at work whose baby was due a week before mine, it's tough.

DandyLioness · 30/04/2009 23:10

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Original poster
Thandeka · 30/04/2009 23:15

we were trying 6 months so not long in the grand scheme of things but an nightmarish eternity for a nutjob like me with no patience (and a mother who tried for 3 years before I came along), a degree in reproductive physiology and an unhealthy interest in bodily secretions and charting said secretions.

Yes there is a lot to be said for guilt and probably in her shoes i would feel same. Still think I would reply straight away though (or if I didnt get text immediately say something about phone being off or whatever).

Dandylioness- I agree but email was sent via facebook - and friends status updates have been endless! (That said though one friend didn't reply and I phoned him later about something else and he says he did reply so maybe facebook mail is shite). If it was anything else I so would phone but feeling so fragile wasn't up to talking on phone at the time and much happier via the written word at the min.

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Original poster
Thandeka · 30/04/2009 23:18

ooops crossed posts again

She did say the right things in second texts so I know I should forgive and forget and engage rational brain- but actually what I think I am crossest about is having to chase her for a response. Like I am some kind of sympathy whore. Wish I could just say fuck it and leave it when friends do stuff like this but I usually don't.

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DandyLioness · 30/04/2009 23:19

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Original poster
Thandeka · 30/04/2009 23:22

Slower than 36 hours though?

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DandyLioness · 30/04/2009 23:31

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PeppermintPatty · 30/04/2009 23:32

Thandeka, for you, I'm sorry to here about your MMC. I remember you from TTC threads (I am a lucker there).

My friend told me about her miscarriage in an email. At the time I was 12 weeks pregnant with my DD, but hadn't told anyone about it. I had NO IDEA what to say to her in reply, especially as I knew I would have to tell her about my pregnancy very soon. I took about 3 days to reply as I wanted to consult my mum and sister first for the best thing to say to her (as I had no experience of miscarriage at the time so didn't want to put my foot in it). So I just wanted to say give your friends time to reply.

I also agree with solid - people who don't have/want kids yet may not understand fully how upset you are.

Original poster
Thandeka · 01/05/2009 08:00

Very true dear mumsnetters. Was particularly grumpy about it last night but this morning brings fresh perspective and a hunt for knitting needles and wool for my new hobby! (which isn't tying up aforementioned friends with wool and poking them with knitting needles!)

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2rebecca · 01/05/2009 13:37

If you said MMC did they know what you meant? I'd never seen that abbreviation for miscarriage before.
I agree that if I got an email from a friend telling me she'd miscarried I'd reply, but being on a website eg facebook and mumsnet and reading my emails aren't the same thing and I often do one and not the other as if I'm away from home I won't read my emails as they go to home computer but might go on websites so that may be a reason for people not replying in addition to not knowing what to say.

duchesse · 01/05/2009 14:29

MMC= Missed Miscarriage. Ie the baby dies but is not miscarried until the death is discovered in some other way (ultrasound for example). Very traumatic if you think everything is fine only to discover at the 12 week scan that the baby's died.

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