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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To threaten to wash 4.5 ds mouth out with soap for swearing?

59 replies

ThumbelinaTrumple · 29/04/2009 21:46

I haven't actually done it yet and i dunno if i would. would anyone/has anyone that would be brave enough to admit it? I must say he hasn't picked up these words from me but his best friend at school. He has also picked up the lovely habit of spitting too!
AIBU?

OP posts:
willowthewispa · 29/04/2009 21:49

I would never make a threat I have no intention of carrying out, and would never do something so humiliating and cruel to a child, so no.

Hassled · 29/04/2009 21:51

Yes, YABU. It was a baffling, ridiculous thing to do in the 1960s and it makes no more sense now than it did then.

Talk to him about how some words are appropriate and nice and others definately aren't. And make sure he realises it's not up for debate - you're not asking him not to swear, you're telling him not to swear. But don't threaten to do something ridiculous - it will make you look ridiculous.

littleboyblue · 29/04/2009 21:52

I remember having a bar of soap rammed into my mouth when I was a child. Was awful. It is one of those things that my parents did that I have vowed never to do.
Like willow, I wouldn't make a threat I wasn't sure I could stick to though.

g4grapes · 29/04/2009 21:53

Oooo, tough one. I agree you can't make a threat and not carry it through.

What about an alternative, like mustard? I am having an issue with my little one spitting out her dinner when she gets annoyed at the table and an older relative suggested the soap as "it never did my children any harm".

Will watch this thread with interest!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 29/04/2009 21:55

No I would never do it. I wouldn't make that big an issue of the swearing tbh. I just say, we don't use those words in this house and turn my attention elsewhere. The child is usually doing it for the attention and shock value and refusing to be ruffled is the fastest way of stopping it.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/04/2009 21:56

You are being totally unreasonable. For a start, you shouldn't make a threat that you are unsure if you will carry out, all they will learn is that you don't mean it.

More importantly, it is a horrible, mean and fucking disgusting thing to do to a child. I had it done to me, it made me sick, I have always remembered it and best of all, it certainly didn't work!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/04/2009 21:58

I hate the "it never did me any harm" argument. Did it do you any good? Did it do anything except quell the anger of your parents?

RumourOfAHurricane · 29/04/2009 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 22:01

Just stop him doing it each time, calmly and consistently tell him it is unacceptable. I agree with others never make a threat you won't keep-and that is a cruel one that you shouldn't keep even if tempted.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 29/04/2009 22:02

Yes YABU
Either you do the classic mistake of threatening something you won't do, or you do something that breaks the bounds of acceptable behaviour IMO.

Thunderduck · 29/04/2009 22:02

Yes YABU. To do so would be cruel and abusive imho.

ChippingIn · 29/04/2009 22:04

Be Careful

Be Very Careful

It sometimes ends up with the grown up getting bitten!!

I wouldn't do it (she says with 2 small, sweet pre-schoolers!! Not 'naughty' older boys!! So not sure I'm 'qualified' to say I wouldn't actually!!). However, I say that as I don't think it works and I think it makes the children hate the person doing it, but doesn't change the behaviour - ergo a bit pointless. However, you know your child best. I wouldn't judge you for doing it, bet I'm a lone voice though - don your hardhat

Having seem some children with challenging behaviour (not SN, just little shits!! LOL) lately, I do think it's easy to say, just talk to them etc - when for some children/parents that does feck all good. You need to find a good 'point of leverage' get him where it hurts - no DS for a week?!

I do agree though, I do my level best not to make a threat I wouldn't carry out.

Wilkiepedia · 29/04/2009 22:07

I agree with willow. I would never make a threat I wouldn't carry out and I certainly wouldn't carry out that. So, YABU.

LlamaFarmerKarmaHarmer · 29/04/2009 22:08

I would report you to social services if I saw you doing it. If you want your kids to grow up thinking of you as a mean-spirited cruel parent who was brutal you go ahead.

They swear. They do a lot worse too.

When my 4 year old came home from nursery saying 'god, mum, I'm pissing tired tonight...' we just collapsed with laughter.

dittany · 29/04/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumtoCharlieandLola · 29/04/2009 22:09

I ran upstairs this evening to chastise my ds (who is 7 this week) because I heard him say dickhead.

I was very cross, told him I never wanted to hear anything like that again, then asked himm where he heard such rude words - he said, Daddy

Therefore, rang Dh and told him off instead.

You are unreasonable to think about pushing anything into a childs mouth that they don't want, it is tantamount to abuse and bullying

Meglet · 29/04/2009 22:09

Yabu. Its a horrible thing to do. I'd be disgusted if anyone I knew did it.

Just tell him off and set a good example, it will be a phase.

Sidge · 29/04/2009 22:09

YABU.

Aside from the fact that it's abusive and can be seen as unreasonable chastisement, it would serve no purpose at all. Children try out new words they hear; that's how they learn. It's up to you as an adult to calmly and maturely tell your child that those words are unacceptable and that they are not to be used. Then ignore.

Wilkiepedia · 29/04/2009 22:10

g4grapes - my DS 2yrs, has started making himself sick at dinner when he doesn't want to eat anymore or gets cross. I just immediately take his dinner off him, chuck in bin and put him calmly down from the table. I'm not making a deal out of it as that is probably what he is aiming for and no child ever died from starvation through stubbornness

kitkatqueen · 29/04/2009 22:13

Ahh, my dd has tried swearing in the house a few times lately. I've found that the thing that works best with her is "please leave the room" in a calm , almost bored voice immediatley turning my attention to something else. The screams of "i'm sorry!" from the hallway suggest it might work in the end.

Agree tho that making threats you are not sure of carrying out can undermine you more in the end...

Good Luck!

waves at chippingin...

seeker · 29/04/2009 22:13

He's 4. they are just words. Explain that they aren't suitable for children, never let him hear you say them, and remind him every time he uses them. Don't use the soap unless you want your child to resent you and remember the punishment but not the crime.

And as for the person who suggested mustard - words fail me!

MavisG · 29/04/2009 22:23

My mother used to do this to me. It didn't work in the longer term, I swear a lot. And relish doing so in front of my (now somewhat abashed) mum.

glucose · 29/04/2009 22:27

Goodness ! stop the spitting, someone might get swine flu

ChippingIn · 29/04/2009 22:29

Oops - I managed to miss the bit where he's only 4.5. I even looked for his age in the OP, but didn't re-read the title! IMO he's too young (irespective of whether you think this is an ok punishment or not). LO almost 4, I just tell her 'nice little girls don't say that' - when she asks why not, if it's something I can explain I do, but mostly I just tell her it's not a nice word - luckily, that's currently working ok.

If that didn't work, I'd go for the normal 'consequences' we have for any behaviour we don't like and you have to find your own childs 'point of impact' for that .

thedolly · 29/04/2009 22:31

I tell my children that swear words are adult words and that when children use them it sounds as silly as adults using children's words or speaking like they do. It's worked so far.