To feel down that dh had a go at me when he come in from work even though I feel unwell

[Toatallyfedup]

I have a bad head cold caught from ds2 probably and probably feeling a bit sorry for myself. Also have had a splitting headache. Not the end of the world but still... Anyway I tried to keep the house reasonably tidy today but did the bare minimum really. When ds2 had his nap this afternoon and ds1 fell asleep on the settee aswell I too went to sleep!

Anyway dh came home in the middle of tea. He finishes at different times each day. He was then annoyed that he had to heat up his own tea wanted to know where his cup of tea was. Then when he came in the dining room with the usual "fall out" around ds2s highchair and ds1 not eating he was fuming. When I told him that I had a splitting headache and feel rotten he said well get some tablets then as you are no use to me like this! Ds1 had literally no tea tonight and ds2 was crying because he didn't like being left on his own for ages while I tried to deal with dh in the kitchen etc. As I said the house really wasn't that bad I do try to tidy up as I go etc.

Also when I asked dh if he had had a good day he said he had till he come home now he wished he hadn't bothered! I said well I am sorry if you don't have a perfect wife and perfect children and a perfect home but thats life! He apologised later by the way but it often ends up like this with us. If the house isn't as he wants it he has a go he says he tries not to let it get to me but he cant help it! Name changed btw but a regular!

medicalprob, I am shocked by your dh's attitude. I always considered a SAHM to have the job of doing the housework and taking care of the children during the days when the WOHD works and during the weekends, the housework/childcare would be shared. BOTH jobs are just as valuable!

The WOHP needs to be constantly reminded how it's not all Starbucks and picnics in the park. I think too many women from a previous generation were total martyrs, my mil in particular. Thanks to his martyr mum and chauvinist father my DH has had to do a lot of 'unlearning' when it comes to his perception of the role of a SAHP.

I used to envy dh for going to work and leaving the carnage behind when the dds were tiny. But he used to hate leaving the children and the nice warm house. I did ask he he wanted to swap roles and he told me not to be so stupid. . A lot of unlearning still to be done methinks...

I have to say that he sounds like me. I hate living in mess. And our house is usually messy. Drives me mad! And when I come home from work, if DH has been at home and the house is worse than usual, I'm afraid I struggle to not complain. But in my defence I am usually the one who does most (all ) of the cleaning and I try not to say anything.

It's a reaction to the end of a long day at work, being tired and looking forward to coming home, and then facing an environment where you find it impossible to relax.

Not excusing him, but perhaps explaining it a little.

Oh and I'm appalling when DH is ill. I get resentful that on top of everything else I have to look after him too. Not nice I know.

And IMO it has nothing to do with power or earning money. or not in my case anyway.

Ormirian - perhaps we should live together in ungracious resentment along with the OPs DH. lol!

Aha! So you feel the same izyboy. Just read your post. feel much better now

yeah Orm - but like you I do all the housework, but then DH doesnt see mess and he does most of the childcare on weekends and evenings.

Just realised I spelt totally wrong!

As I said before dh was never like this before we had our dc when we both worked outside the home and we were married more than 7 years before the dc came along.

When ds1 came along it seemed that everything changed overnight. He expected to come home to a tidy house tea on the table cup of tea waiting and I was ofcouse still to look after the baby. When all this didn't happen he would get so annoyed and would immediately and huffily start on "jobs" as he called it and when I urged him to atleast give ds a cuddle he would grumpily reply in a minute I have "jobs" to do first. All things which he said I should have done during the day. He would ask me what I had been doing all day and I would often have to give an account for my day! He would then say well I could have done this then etc! When ds1 kept us awake at night he was furious with him for daring to keep him awake whenn he had work the next day although I bf both my dc. just thinking about those days!

Things eventually came to a head and things got abit better until ds2 came along and things started all over again!

So you see what happened yesterday was just the tip of the iceburg! I do feel much better today though!

Oh and when I asked dh if he could get me some pain killers he said can't you get them yourself then? He did get them but practically threw them at me! When he later apologised he did mention he was annoyed with me for asking for the tablets because he didn't see why I couldn't get them myself! Ofcouse I could of done but whats wrong with asking my own dh if he could fetch me some? Is that really such an unreasonable request?

Totally~I know exactly where you are coming from but am several years down the line.
As I said in my posts,its really down to a dp having a selfish nature and lack of empathy and being unable to give without taking.In my case I am quite generous and the combination has proved to be quite an unhappy one.
Like you I have to answer questions about jobsetc done in the day,and general chat about whether things are up to scratch.
At times its been like being married to a schoolteacher who is prone to lectures about what and how things should be done[but can't take it himself]
I had no intention of signing up for this when I got married or when I gave up work.
I would urge you to maintain your own independence,money and work when you can.

Having just had a row with my dh this evening about very same matter, in slightly different format, my thoughts are thus.

He thinks he is being helpful by doing the jobs, he doesn't realise he is belittling you by clearing up. Of course he is putting you down, but he doesn't see it like that.

He feels in a tense state when he comes home, and just wants attention, not to give attention. He discharges this tension by fiddling and fussing around and making cruel comments. He says things that you cannot avoid responding to, to get attention. He seems to feel ill at ease with you and the children, as if he doesn't quite know what value he has for you all.

When you are not in a "row state" tell him how you feel putting a positive spin ie: not saying why didn't you pick up ds2? but instead Ds2 is so pleased to see you, and so am I at the end of a long tiring day (even if it's not quite true)
Tell him how tired you feel and how glad you are that he's there to help at the end of the day. Try not to be hurt by those horrible barbed comments, but just make him feel good about himself so that he is a bit nicer to you.

The alternative trick is APPARENTLY to say what a LOVELY day you've had, how relaxing etc, so that they don't feel they have to compete in the misery stakes and look after you.

Anyway this is the good advice I would give to myself, when I take a step back. Easier said than done...

He is not like this when he is off work only after a day at work - and he works long hours! He works most saturdays but has days off in the week. My mil always used to say that fil didn't have to lift a finger unless he wants to so I know who to blame! I think that he does expect calm when he comes home and always a cup of tea now matter what he comes home to. As he often comes in right in the thick of the evening routine that isn't always possible (he finishes at different times every night!) Also I do tend to see the children and seeing to them as the priority!