To feel down that dh had a go at me when he come in from work even though I feel unwell

[Toatallyfedup]

I have a bad head cold caught from ds2 probably and probably feeling a bit sorry for myself. Also have had a splitting headache. Not the end of the world but still... Anyway I tried to keep the house reasonably tidy today but did the bare minimum really. When ds2 had his nap this afternoon and ds1 fell asleep on the settee aswell I too went to sleep!

Anyway dh came home in the middle of tea. He finishes at different times each day. He was then annoyed that he had to heat up his own tea wanted to know where his cup of tea was. Then when he came in the dining room with the usual "fall out" around ds2s highchair and ds1 not eating he was fuming. When I told him that I had a splitting headache and feel rotten he said well get some tablets then as you are no use to me like this! Ds1 had literally no tea tonight and ds2 was crying because he didn't like being left on his own for ages while I tried to deal with dh in the kitchen etc. As I said the house really wasn't that bad I do try to tidy up as I go etc.

Also when I asked dh if he had had a good day he said he had till he come home now he wished he hadn't bothered! I said well I am sorry if you don't have a perfect wife and perfect children and a perfect home but thats life! He apologised later by the way but it often ends up like this with us. If the house isn't as he wants it he has a go he says he tries not to let it get to me but he cant help it! Name changed btw but a regular!

I meant for starting this thread well more disloyal really I really must go to bed now!

I agree that being a mum to Pre-Schooler is extraordinarily hard. I can just about remember those dark days (ds now 5 and dd nearly 7)

When my mum was round at my house once she told me I might want to go and put some lipstick on and brush my hair as wouldn't my dh would be home from work soon.....? I cacked myself laughing. Made me remember how when we were children she'd have us all ready for bed, music on in the 'lounge', my dad's dinner on the table and a G&T ready for him as he came through the door....

Don't know how she managed it really...

My dh usually comes home to a shit heap.

OP - hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Sorry, I think he's behaved like a grade A prat to you and the DCs, and you have absolutely nothing to be guilty about.

He, however, does.

Hope you're better tomorrow and he grows up a bit.

I do, though, FABSMUM... I do have my DS bathed and ready for cuddles when DH walks through the door. The house will be perfect and there will be food and drinks in the kitchen (he only comes home once a week). It really is reminecient of the 50s!

When he leaves, there are dishes in the sink, the beds need changing (his DDs are here on a weekend), crap everywhere and I'm supposed to have it all sorted for the next Friday.

I don't much mind, it IS my job, but it does get to me, when they are all sitting down watching TV and I have to still be 'on duty'

The only thing that really bugs me, though: If DH actually does change a nappy, come the next time, he will say 'it's your turn'.... I don't think so! I think I'm a million or two in front at the mo!!!

not worth the argument though. IMHO. I wouldn't want to change being a SAHM, so gotta take the rough with the smooth!!!

actually, the other thing that gets to me, is the lack of a wage.

I do appreciate that, as a SAHM, it's my job to do childcare and housework etc., but then I also get stung with the 'it's not your money' / I can spend it how I like....

It would be nice to have my own money, even though I don't really have to ask about spending things for DS.

Look, men will treat you like this if you let them. Who wouldn't want to be boss of the household and expect to be pampered and obeyed, given the chance?
I often post this, but it's the best way of working out whether your marriage is a partnership, or whether your H/P thinks he's your owner and you're his servant: how much free time does each of you get per week? If it's not approximately the same amount, then one of you is being exploited by the other. And it's usually the one who isn't earning a wage who is expected to work 24/7 in exchange for food and shelter and the occasional bunch of drooping flowers from the petrol station...

I'm sorry but anyone who feels a sense of entitlement to come home to a calm, peaceful, ordered house after a stressful day at work, should not have children.

He said 'then get some tablets, you are no use to me like this' and you are the one that feels guilty?????

This is not a one off, he acts like a complete tosser regularly and YOU feel guilty?

Any DECENT DP/DH would have made YOU a cup of tea, got YOU some pain relief, made a fuss of the kids, bathed them and put them to bed and been very grateful that all he had to do for his tea was warm it up.

The sooner you see his controling, nasty, snide, shitty behaviour for what it is, the better!

(Thanks hmc )

Fedup, my post was not intended to make you feel guilty, more to give you an alternative perspective! I'm not saying what your dh said was right, it's just unfortunate that until you've been a SAHM, especially with two pre schoolers like you, you have no idea how hard it is!

Anyway, I hope you're feeling better today.

Tell to leave the bloody 1950's! Take a weekends holiday to visit a friend alone. See if your tea is ready on the plate when you get back.

That was a great post from TheBolter.

But please don't feel guilty, totallyfedup. Your DH was still acting like a selfish prick considering you had said you were feeling unwell.
I agree with the others, you need a weekend where you go off see friend and family and leave the kids with him. That usually separates the men from the boys!!

It sounds as though he's the 'take a pill and push on' type and so didn't understand why the OP didn't take anything and then felt too poorly to do her normal work and had a nap. Maybe he feels there is a working agreement - he goes out and earns the wage, which he is required to do whether he has an off day or not, and the OP stays at home and looks after the children and house to a certain standard and if she doesn't, he feels she is not keeping to the 'agreement'. I just hope he is as keen to maintain standards at the weekend when he should share in childcare/housework.

That aside, I do feel he could have been a LOT more pleasant in the manner in which he expressed himself!

Do you know what - when he next apologises and tells you that he is 'trying not to let it get to him' then ask him exactly what is 'getting to him'
Explain to him that even though you were feeling unwell you still did everything that needed doing straight away and a whole load more but tried to rest a bit as well. Thats to be applauded and he really should take over doing things when he gets in and say 'you sit down, get yourself feeling better' instead of moaning.
Honestly, ask him how he would feel if he was ill one day and struggled in to work, did as much as he could but then left one hour early as he was feeling rotten only for you to snap at him and tell him he is 'no use to anyone' for not completing his working day perfectly! Plus you went on to tell him you'd try not to let it get to you that he was crap at his job!
He'd be fuming and rightly so, so he should start realising that he cant treat you the same way!!!

You've had some good advice from others here, OP, which I heartily endorse.

But I think I'd kick him in the wotsits first, just to ram the point home.

Silly bugger.

Wow - I would have thought having children would make a man grow up some!

"you are no use to me like this!" I can't believe he said this!! What a heartless nasty wretch! Everyone can get ill and need extra help here and there - and these ARE his children, right? Why shouldn't he participate fully in their care, regardless of his work? Maybe you should point out to him that if you get no help (especially while you're ill), you could reach the point where you'll end up very ill and in hospital - and where will that leave him?? Doing EVERYTHING by himself!

I'm 26wks pregnant and a SAHM, but this has been a tough pregnancy healthwise on me. I've had to spend most of my time resting, which isn't easy with a 2yo. DH works nights, and has actually modified his sleep schedule so he can be there to help out with our toddler and help do things around the house so I am not overdoing it. It was his idea to do so, and he is happy to help, as he knows it's what's best for me and the baby. He came home from work this morning, made tea and breakfast for all of us, made sure I was all set before he went upstairs to get some sleep. I guess I'll just be thankful that he considers housework, cooking, and parenting the role of both parents and not just the SAHM.

I really would leave the kids with him when he's ill at home - and just have a weekend away and see how he feels - but then thats just me!

I'm ill at the moment doc doesn't know whats wrong, I felt total shit yesterday, my mum bless her took DD to school for me on her way to work and brought her home at lunch time, instead of 3pm (I'm not allowed to drive with the meds i'm on). DD was happily playing but wanted me to keep getting up and down (I can't walk well unaided) In the end i called DP and told him I needed him to come home, which he did and completely fussed over me and DD, cooked dinner and everything.

This is how a DH/P should be when his wife is ill

YANBU,
I woke up with a migraine yesterday. My dh got both dd's (6 and 3) ready for school/nursery, rearranged an 8am meeting and brought me a cup of tea in bed.

He then took the girls to school. He got home (after a day with no lunch because of the rearranged meeting) put the girls to bed, sent me to bed with more painkillers and then made tea for us both, mine was brought up to me on a tray so I could eat it and go to straight back to sleep. We didn't even have all the ingrediants for tea so he had to go to the corner shop to get them!!!

He also unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. The house is now a tip but he won't be complaining about it. He works long hours and normally can't do much during the week but he also understands that if I am ill he needs to rearrange stuff for a day or two.

This is normal for him if I am ill.

Totallyfedup
oddly,my own dh came home humphing and moaning last night from work.
Two of the dcs were ill [ actually even the third had gone in late]and i had slept on the sofa for half an hour before a late tea.
Dhs tea was in the warmer/on the table as it has been every night for the last 18 yrs.
He said
1Any paracetamol,you've got to keep on top of things you know
2.Is that sheet still on the radiator whats your washing system,blah blah
3.Have we got enough milk and bread[er look and the answers yes as it always is]

There were others but basically he was having a go.
The key issue here is that my Dh is not on my side ,as solid says,its not a fair partnership as the rules that he has made up are that no matter how perfect and sorted things are at home,he is in charge because he earns the wage.
Actually many years ago I gave up my professional job when pregnant as we couldn't both work due to the hours[I was at the time more highly trained than him but I was the one having the baby].
I have loved being a SAHM as I loved looking after them all preschool and in the hols and they are spaced out age-wise ,but I haven't enjoyed being part of a semi-fifties style set up with my dh bossing me about- unfortunately he isn't as nice a person as I am[ ironic emoticon]

A word of warning-don't put up with it ,its rude and makes the one at home feel like a 2nd class citizen.
A sad lesson I've learned is that a lot of people "in power" will be a bit of a bully.

This is interesting. I think your DH is a grade A knob to speak to you like that...but I have to admit I would be far more likely to behave like him if DH was a SAHD and I was working. As it is DH comes in. makes his own cuppa, plays with the kids and bathes them while I mumsnet! Would I be so gracious if the boot was on the other foot? Nope, but that's because I am more selfish than him!

So there you have it, both your DH and I need to reform a bit....gulp.

izyboy~I think it is down to personality.
Part of the reason I didn't later go back to a similar job[the same wouldn't have been open to me any longer] is because I would still have been responsible for everything else!
And yet I have still become the person with no status- not only professionally but also within the house due to the way dh treats me,the children don't think how lucky they are,they think I do and have done nothing!

Medicalprob, that is shit and depressing. Yes you are right it is down to personality, DH is more the 'take a pill and push on' type. Plus he loves his kids and couldnt give a stuff about whether the house is tidy (this has its own probs tho').

izyboy~I had no idea that the different roles would help to lead to inequality in the partnership~ I was willing to give things up and sacrifice my career for the common good ~I had no idea this would enable my dh to lord it over me,I thought we would be together on the same side of the fence,being fair and facing challenges together.

I'm sure this is the case for some people,as I say the issue is personality and being a bully, some men value their wives whatever their role.

Its rather sad to see now whats happened and not very easy to fix as all those years of homemaking take a lot of unravelling.

Very sorry for the hijack ,totally, I just seem to have had a lightbulb moment of clarity!

It's 'stay-at-home-mum.' MUM.

Your job is to look after the children. Is he one of the children? No, he is not. if you have time left to do a bit of tidying, great. If not, not. If you do him some supper, brilliant. Otherwise, yes, it is DIY.