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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not remind DH it is nephew's birthday next week?

28 replies

DisasterEggs · 29/04/2009 14:26

Even if it means he won't get a pressie from us?

Nephew was born the day I had surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. Not a date I'll forget easily but no one else has ever remembered or mentioned it since.
I know it's not nephew's fault. I actually think he's a nice child and under any other circumstances I'd not think twice about buying him something and then telling DH we are visitng.
Why should I be the one who has to remember other people's children's birthdays when actually I'd rather spend the anniversary doing what I think I want to? Why would no one remember that it is actually a rather difficult day for me and I'd rather not have to do jolly children's party stuff.

OP posts:
ilove · 29/04/2009 14:27

erm...I think YABU sorry. It isn't the child's fault. And men are notoriously dreadful at remembering anything.

mollythetortoise · 29/04/2009 14:33

YABVU. Poor DN, as you say yourself not his fault at all. I sympathise with your sadness but to punish DN because of it seems very bitter. Why do you have to visit though? Could you not just send gift but say sorry, have we other plans that day. Is child a preschooler as I don't attend the bday parties of my dn's but they are mostly school age so not bothered if I am there or not (but of course, they do expect a present which is fair enough).
I do agree that it is a PITA to be reminding DH/DP of their side of the families birthdays though. I have to do this . it is very annoying.

OrmIrian · 29/04/2009 14:35

Just send a gift perhaps?

Painful as it is for you I don't think it's entirely reasonable for you to expect everyone to remember the significance of that date for you.

piscesmoon · 29/04/2009 14:50

You don't have to attend parties-just send him a nice gift or better still remind DH and let him do it.

Original poster
DisasterEggs · 29/04/2009 15:07

As I have remebered I wouldn't really not get him something. That would be bitter and wrong. But is it unreasonable to expct at least DH to remember? I don't think it is.

OP posts:
SarahL2 · 29/04/2009 15:15

My DH quite happily handed over all responsibilities for remembering and buying cards/gifts for his 3 nephews and 2 nieces birthdays and christmases not long after we got together...and I think I do a better job too ;)

It's just men I'm afraid.

I'm sorry it's a tough day for you though

HumphreyCobbler · 29/04/2009 15:21

It seems to me that you are sad about your dh not remembering or acknowledging the significance of the date, rather than his forgetting your nephew's birthday.

Anniversaries like that are so hard

BlingDreaming · 29/04/2009 15:25

who do you mean when you say "no one remembers"? YABU to your DN, definitely, it's not his fault.

YANBU ito wanting your DH to remember it was a traumatic day.

YABU if you want other people to remember, unfortunately.

sixlostmonkeys · 29/04/2009 15:25

It's not just men. I am useless at remembering birthdays. Always have been always will be. I just tell people "look I care but I forget your birthday"
Last year I forgot my birthday. Totally forgot it. i did wonder why my friend invited me for a meal. Half way through the meal she just giggled and said "you have have forgot haven't you..?"

I'm sorry It's a sad time for you, but try not to take it out on those around you who 'do' care

mermaidspurse · 29/04/2009 15:58

Of course you will buy nephew a pressie, get a bottle of wine for yourself while you are at it and then talk with your dh. Maybe have a memorial of your own in some way to remember the lo you lost? It is hard and I understand where you are coming from but don't bottle it up. Sorry for your loss

motherinferior · 29/04/2009 16:01

I don't understand. He's your husband's nephew. Why do you have to do the reminding?

I remember my nephews' birthdays. DP may or may not remember his family members' birthdays. Not my problem.

MorrisZapp · 29/04/2009 16:03

I'm really sorry for your loss, but if you want to mark the day I think you will have to tell people.

When I think back to major events in my own life, I can't remember the dates they happened on, so it's a stretch to expect others to.

I'm sure your DH will be lovely about it if you just remind him.

BodyBagEgg · 29/04/2009 16:10

arragh, what is it with the men are useless at remembering this stuff attitude on this thread.
it's not your job to remember everything.

let him forget it, it will be his fault.

sorry for your loss.

Paolosgirl · 29/04/2009 16:15

Do what I do - buy the present and send it, but don't say a word to DH. Then his face turns ashen, he claps his hand to his forehead and says in a panicked voice "oh no, I forgot (insert mother's, sister's, brother in law's etc etc name here) birthday, you can say in a pained-yet-tolerant voice (perfected over 15 years), "it's alright, I've sent it". Then you can feel smug for the rest of the day.

Or is that just me?!

Your nephew doesn't deserve to be deprived of a birthday present, regardless of the circumstances.

geekgirl · 29/04/2009 16:15

I agree with MI - I remember my family's birthdays, dh doesn't remember his family's. Not my problem or my responsibility!

motherinferior · 29/04/2009 16:57

Actually I have no idea whether DP does remember or not. Why on earth would I?

I have quite enough to occupy my brain without worrying about whether some perfectly pleasant relative of DP's has been given a present or not.

Hulababy · 29/04/2009 17:19

YABU to not want to remind DH it is your nephew's birthday. It isn't your nephew's fault.

Why do you describe the child as DH's nephew only BTW? My niece (born to DH's brother and SIL) is my niece, just as much as she is DH's niece.

However YANBU to want DH to remember what happened with regards the ectopic pregnancy. Perhaps he hasn't forgotten but isn't sure how to bring it up or if you want to talk about it.

Original poster
DisasterEggs · 29/04/2009 17:23

don't think I have described him as DH's nephew. He is both of ours. He's a delightful child and I have already said I wouldn't just not get him a birthday pressie. I think I also said I know it's not his fault.
I really don't think it is unreasonable for family to remember the day I very nearly died, particularly with nephew's birthday every year to remind them

OP posts:
Hulababy · 29/04/2009 17:25

Sorry - my comment should have been addressed to the couple of posters who commented on the whole his family/my family issue. Forget to add the names of thpose before tht sentence.

Seona1973 · 29/04/2009 18:18

I write all notable birthdays on the calendar whether they are from mine or dh's side of the family - that way no-one has the excuse of forgetting them.

charmargot · 29/04/2009 18:27

I remember all the birthdays, nobody would get anything otherwise. Can you tell dh that to you the day is a day of remembrance for your pregnancy and you'd like to not go to the party - is there one?
You remember the date, but others may not realise that you want it remembered. Or if they remember it they'd like to forget?
What would you like to do on that day? Be alone? Be with your own family? Decide what it is YOU would like and then decide how to make that possible. Waiting for other people to remember or predict what would be perfect for you is setting people up for a test they can only fail.
By the way there is nothing unreasonable about wanting to have some sort of remembrance for what you went through.

mumeeee · 30/04/2009 12:09

YABU. He is your nephew not just your DH's and it is not the chils fault.

geekgirl · 30/04/2009 14:52

Hula I think it's because we have very little contact with dh's siblings, and most of their children I've met only once or twice. I feel zero family connection with dh's siblings or their kids - even dh says he feels much closer to my side of the family than to his.

catwalker · 30/04/2009 15:08

I agree with Charmargot - it may well be that people remember what happened but aren't sure if you want to talk about it. If you broached the subject first you would signal to people that you want to discuss it/remember what happened. If you don't then everyone may think you prefer not to talk about it. People deal with things in their own way. Personally, I don't think I would want/expect people to acknowledge the anniversary of something like that and the people around you may feel the same. My hubby, like most men I expect, hates talking about feelings and wouldn't bring something like that up unless I did first. He's also useless at buying presents. I do all the Xmas/birthday shopping for our kids, my parents, my sister, nieces, nephews etc. He is an only child and just has to buy for his mum and dad. Sometimes he just doesn't bother or is late and I'm overwhelmed by shame but I refuse to give in when it's his responsibility. But I blame them for bringing him up like that! Your nephew definitely deserves a pressie - whichever one of you buys it.

kingprawnjalfrezi · 30/04/2009 15:12

I think if you left it to most men a lot of extended families would lose touch and birthdays would be forgotten. It is an essentially female trait - one we should be proud of. we can't really expect men to live up to our standards.

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