Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly pissed of that i am being told where dd1 can and cant go by my friend?

29 replies

Marne · 29/04/2009 14:13

My neighbours little girl is in the same year as dd1 and they are good friends (she comes over to play with dd, i have coffee with my neighbour etc..). Anyway yesterday i went and knocked on her door to see if she wanted to walk up to school with me to get the dd's, she told me her dd was staying at school to do french club, she also told me that her dd was up all night crying because she didn't want to do french. I told her my dd would enjoy french as she can already speak some french and would enjoy it, she basicly told me that she didn't want my dd to go because she wanted her dd to do it on her own so she is good at something that me dd isn't and to build her confedance.

AIBU in thinking, this is a after school club open to anyone (not just her dd) and if my dd did want to go then i will send her?

She also said that my dd is already top in the class for reading and maths so it would be nice if her dd had something that she could be good at .

My dd has Aspergers syndrome, she enjoys learning and is bright but she also has problems socializing and doing physical activities. I don't push her into learning things (i'm not a pushy mum) but she chooses to read books and solve maths puzzles. I feel a little bit sorry for her little girl as she seems to be pushing her to do things she doesn't enjoy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
coppertop · 29/04/2009 14:16

YANBU. If your dd wants to go then she should.

sweetnitanitro · 29/04/2009 14:17

Wait, she doesn't want your dd to go because she wants her dd to be better at something? Sounds like she is the one being unreasonable.

JeanPoole · 29/04/2009 14:17

yanbu at all.

MIFLAW · 29/04/2009 14:18

No, of course not. Her kid = her lookout, your kid = your lookout.

If your daughter would enjoy French, let her do French! If the other mum's that bothered, she'll have to think a bit harder than picking an open-to-all after-school club.

Has she considered putting her daughter down for something genuinely exclusive, like the Garrick Club?

Bucharest · 29/04/2009 14:18

YANBUatall.

FluffyBunnyGoneBad · 29/04/2009 14:18

She's mean. Ignore her! You are your dd's mum, not her. It's down to you where your child goes.

Sassybeast · 29/04/2009 14:18

Why isn't your DD at French club already ?

AMumInScotland · 29/04/2009 14:19

YANBU - I can see that the neighbour might want them to spend some time doing different things, if her dd is never as good as your dd at things they both do, as that can be demoralising.

But if that was the case, she should choose something which her dd loves and is good at, maybe a sport where your dd either wouldn't be interested or wouldn't be better at it.

doobry · 29/04/2009 14:22

Didn't you know about the French club before? It does sound a leeeetle bit like you only want your DD to go because hers is. However you are quite right that it is not up to her if your DD gets to go or not. Perhaps if she feels her DD's confidence is getting bashed she should address that with the school. Try not to be too cross with her. She just wants to look out for her DD.

2rebecca · 29/04/2009 14:22

I think it depends on whether or not you were planning to send your daughter to the french club before your chat with this mum. If you weren't then deciding to send her after this mum said her daughter was going does sound unreasonable, and I do think it sounds as though this mum feels the children are competitive and wants her daughter to do something not involving your daughter if she feels that is affecting her daughters confidence. It sounds as though the club has already started and you weren't previously bothered about it.
On the other hand if you were planning to send your daughter then as you say it's a school club and I wouldn't not send my children to something just because another mum didn't want me to. This mum could always send her daughter to a non school activity.
It also depends on how much you value the friendship with this mum and the friendship between the girls. Is it worth ruining these for a bit of extra french.

mascaraohara · 29/04/2009 14:23

YANBU

She is being very unreasonable. she'll just have to get over it.

Though I sent my dd to Rainbows to help her make friends outside of her very dominant and very popular best friend.. I was a little bit gutted that her best friends joined 2 weeks after she found out we were going as I really wanted dd to do something away from her but I KNEW I was being unreasonable and I would never have voiced my disappointment in RL.. your friend sounds like she has a big chip on her shoulder

Original poster
Marne · 29/04/2009 14:24

I didn't even know there was a french club until she told me, dd1 would like to go but i think she's a bit too young to be doing after school lessons (she's only 5), even though dd would love french i would rather take her horse ridding or let her dig holes in the garden . I just thought if her dd was upset about going i could send dd to keep her company but i think i would rather let her play in the garden at home .

OP posts:
BCNS · 29/04/2009 14:25

YANBU.. if your dd wants to go to french club.. let her. it's not a competition.. it's a school club ffs ( that was @ your friend btw not you)

FatFree · 29/04/2009 14:26

How rude of her to suggest that you dont send your daughter just because she will outshine hers.

YANBU to give your daughter this opportunity if its something she wants to do. I feel sorry for her daughter having such a pushy mum and making her do something that she is clearly unhappy about.

OrmIrian · 29/04/2009 14:30

I don't know. I refused to let DD got to sailing a few years back partly because I knew that she'd end up being better then her older brother and he was constantly being outshone by her. The other more prosaic reason was cost - she was already riding and climbing regularly so not missing out.

However I can see that it isn't your responsibility to care about your mate's DD's self-esteem.

Original poster
Marne · 29/04/2009 14:32

It feels like a competition, she always wants her dd to do better and pushes her into things.

I feel sorry for the child, she clearly doesn't want to go so why push her?

I can see why she wants her dd to do something without dd1 to help with confidence.

OP posts:
FatFree · 29/04/2009 14:33

Bloody hell just read that these are 5yr olds??

She is making a 5yr old cry because she doesnt want to stay behind and learn french!!

I dont blame her, poor kid!

plug · 29/04/2009 14:34

Gosh, I think you're all being a bit harsh

Maybe neighbour's dd is suffering with confidence issues and the neighbour is just trying to help her buld her confidence away from her very good friend who is good at everything she tries? I don't think that is crime of the century tbh and I don't think encouraging her to do something out of her comfort zone for long term benefits makes her a pushy parent.

Marne, of course it's up to you where your dd goes and what she does but maybe a little empathy might not go amiss? It didn't sound at all like she was being bossy/unkind from your initial post tbh.

madwomanintheattic · 29/04/2009 14:35

i think it would make me not want to tell you what my dd was doing next tbh!

particularly if every time i said 'oh, my dd is going to try football this week' you said 'oh, that's a good idea, my dd used to go to littlekickers and she was really good.'and then put her name down.

as you weren't going to bother sending your dd to french before she said hers was going (not sure whether you hadn't read the letter or had discounted it) i think maybe you are a bit U.

i mean, it is a free world and everything, of course, and had you decided beforehand that your dd was doing and just said 'oh, my dd is too!' it would definitely have Not been U... but i do feel for the other mum i'm afraid - who, let's not forget, had obviously had a fairly difficult night lol.

Sycamoretree · 29/04/2009 14:37

Let her mange le gateau

plug · 29/04/2009 14:37

Just read your latest post - it's interesting where good parenting stops and pushiness starts. My friend's dd would quite happily do nothing out of school - she's not very active and my friend worries about the long term impact on her health. Is she being pushy by encouraging her dd to try different actitivies or a good parent by thinking of her long term well-being?

Kimi · 29/04/2009 14:39

YANBU your "friend" is being rude.

DS1 is in the Aspergers spectrum and is outstandingly bright, with low social skills so I undrestand how some people react.

Original poster
Marne · 29/04/2009 14:40

plug- i do have empathy and i understand why she doesn't want my dd to go. My daughter only plays with her dd out of school, they don't play together in school so probably wouldn't even notice each other in a french lesson.

I i only said 'oh dd would enjoy french', i was shocked that there even is a french club for 5 year old's and thinking about it now i wouldn't really want to send her anyway but that should be up to me.

Anyway her child seems very confident when she is at my house, she becomes quite when her mum is around.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 29/04/2009 14:41

can see both sides to this. But your friend sounds bonkers to be sending her DD to an after school club that distresses her so much.

Original poster
Marne · 29/04/2009 14:43

Thanks Kimi, it seems like she thinks i am lucky because dd is so bright and doesn't seem to realise that dd has a lot of problems with socializing, phobia's and anxiety.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread