to be furious to be in situation of knowing my friend's dh is cheating A Hole

[voiceoftreason]

I'm mad as hell but bit scared to be too specific as I'm always telling her to use mumsnet (don't think she does)and I'd hate her to think this all sounds familiar.
They've been married more than 5 years and have a young dc. DH and I are friends with her and her DH. I know he has been unfaithful in the past, long long ago he even tried it on with me! And I saw him on a couple of occasions with another woman but I wasn't close enough to my friend to consider telling her although I hated the situation of knowing something like that.
We are now closer friends since we both have dc now. My DH has confided in me it's annoying him and their other mates that this guy is cheating on his wife as he uses them all as alibis frequently and they've warned him it'll end in tears. My DH has tried to talk to him about how he's risking his family and try to encourage him to grow up and accept those exciting days of chasing women are over but to no avail.
It's driving me mad to be aware of this, I wish I didn't know. If I saw him with my own eyes now I would threaten to tell his wife but this is unlikely to happen.
And so I'm frustrated as I would definitely want to know if I was in my friend's position. Being cheated on and our entire circle of friends aware of it. But she loves him and trusts him, we've had a really uncomfortable conversation not long ago when she said how pleased she was that her DH was a great dad and so loyal, would never cheat etc.. And she has a young DC and would be totally devestated. I don't want to let off a grenade in their lives and I doubt anyone would thank me. Aggghh what to do?? I hate this

hmm maybe this is the wrong time of day...

i would tell her but be prepared for her to hate you for it.

to be honest have been in similar situation myself and both sides too ex partner was cheating me friends new and no one told me i was furious felt they were all laughing at me behind my back hated it would rather have been told than be the last to find out

have also told a friend there dp was cheating as thought would be best as i knew how i felt she hated me for it but when it did all calm down she was pleased i had the guts to tell her as she felt humiliated by him she took it out on me but when it all calmed down was pleased i had the courage to tell her as she was then aware that she was again the last to know but i was honest enough to tell her

be prepared that she may stop talking to you altogether there is no right or wrong as i was glad to be told she hated me for it although did talk to me again and we were able to remain close

she deserves to know as everyone else is being pulled into this which would be making it acceptable as everyone is helping him cheat she should know and then make up her own mind what to do

Exactly they would hopefully sort things out and he'd have to stop cheating, it would all be a nightmare and everyone would probably blame me and my DH for spilling the beans on bloke stuff etc..
But it feels so wrong to keep her in the dark and one day when it comes out I'll have to pretend I never knew and I'm not a deceitful person. And of course I would hate for a female friend to not tell me if she knew my DH was unfaithful.
I'm just so furious her sleazy DH can put me in this position, how dare he. Why do I care more about his family's well being than he does??
She is a really smart and funny woman, a really good friend to her friends. I feel like a sleazy fraud colluding with her DH by just knowing

Been in this situation twice now - first time I told, second, I didn't. Both pairs split up - (Second set, she found out from OW). I don't see the first pair at all now but I am good friends with both partners in the second set and they both know I knew.

I agree I would want to know though. It's a tough call and when LOs are involved it is even harder. There is always the possibility that your friend does suspect but does not want to confront it, maybe she does not want to be on her own for whatever reasons?

I would get your DH to tell him that he won't lie for him - if he is asked outright then he will tell the truth and damn the consequences.

What a horrible situation.

If I were her, I would want to know...I think. It's going to be hard though as this seems to have been going on for a while and she might feel very foolish that everyone else knew behind her back. She may very well shoot the messenger.

I would at least make sure you had some solid evidence before you approach her. Not that I think you're making it up but she might. People tend to not want to believe devastating news.

Maybe the best way to go is to tell her DH in no uncertain terms that if this carries on, you will tell her everything and hope he comes to his senses and calls it all off?

Gah....that's really hard.

I suppose there are two schools of thought here.

a) Don't tell. It's none of your business.

b) Tell. If she finds out later and realises you all knew, this could be humiliating for her and ruin the friendship. She may blame the messenger for a while, but eventually will realise you cared enough to tell her.

Pretty rotten of the guy to be using his mates as alibis, essentially forcing them to be part of his deceit.

I think the hard part is, if you tell, you don't really have proof. She may tell herself you are just jealous (or whatever lies women tell themselves when they just can't believe their spouse is a cheater).

I'm not helping any, am I? Hope someone comes along with some experience in this!

and xposted with all the voices of experience!

thanks for reply bubblagirl, and casserole great yesterday
I was hoping someone would be able to give an example of how it went wrong or right when they told.
I really don't think I can face causing that grief, she is totally unaware and doesn't suspect him at all. And they seem very happy otherwise. Also DH would kill me and never ever confide in me again.
But, But. If the boot was on the other foot I would feel so angry and betrayed by her if she didn't tell me and I'd consider the 'didn't want to be the one to tell you line' very lame

glad casserole was good lol

to be honest not knowing and feeling like i was the last to know hurt most as i then doubted my friendship as they didnt tell me i felt cheated by them too

but im glad when i confided in my friend she did talk to me again she now cant thank me enough but it was hard i did lose her for a while but never regretted my decision as i knew how i felt

you will have to tell dh to tell this friend that they will no longer be alibis etc as it is allowing him to deceive her even more

maybe without alibis he'll slip up and she will catch him out herself

I've been in this situation - close to both but closer to the guy so ultimately my loyalties were with him. Awful. I read him the riot act and told him I would tell her if he didn't finish it. He finished it. Wife never found out.

Still though, deep down, I think she must have known. As perhaps your friend does - maybe when she had that conversation with you she was digging a bit? Just a possibility.

I've been in this situation - close to both but closer to the guy so ultimately my loyalties were with him. Awful. I read him the riot act and told him I would tell her if he didn't finish it. He finished it. Wife never found out.

Still though, deep down, I think she must have known. As perhaps your friend does - maybe when she had that conversation with you she was digging a bit? Just a possibility.

You and I would be extremely upset if we found out our dh had been cheating and a friend knew but I don't think your friend sounds as though she'd feel the same way as we do. If he's already been unfaithful in the past (I presume she must have known or had some inkling on one or more of the occasions) and she has forgiven him and moved on then she may be one of those women who figure all men have flaws and this is one of those that she needs to pretend not to see. If that is the case and you tell her, then she may be annoyed with you for rubbing her nose in it.

From a practical sense, what can she do about it? She can either leave him which is unlikely as she seems happy with him in most ways and has a dc with him; try to stop him cheating in the future which is likely to lead her down a path of much frustration and unhappiness as she'll be trying to head him off and he'll be trying to find ways to sneak around; or she shuts up and puts up. If she chooses the latter then having it held before her in black and white that she's being a bit of a doormat may not go down too well.

thanks for replies,
It's a real tough one as she's an excellent woman. She's super intelligent, far more than her DH they're a bit of an odd couple in that regard. Really sharp and funny, and we've become pretty good friends. I don't think she ever realised her DH was cheating, her work load was pretty hectic before the dc. I'm pretty sure she would be devastated. As I would be. I think she assumes he's the person he appears to be, devoted dh and dad.
Even my DH thinks he's mad and his behaviour's becoming so erratic that even the guys are criticising him. When they're out for a drink or watching the footie he's constantly trying to chase women.
I know they've had some bedroom issues since difficult birth but I'm sure she wouldn't suspect him, he doesn't seem that sort of guy.
The incident where he tried it on with me years back was really wierd, he begged me not to tell her and I didn't, they were only just married.

yeah, i think the guy's mates should rally round and refuse to be party to his skirt chasing.

this might be too weird, but since he tried it on with you in the past, you could also confront him about still being up to his old ways - an offhand remark if you are all ever out together might make him stop and think about his wife finding out.

Exactly! I would never cover for a friend who was cheating on a DP. Not even a good friend. It's immoral and I would think less of someone who asked me to. Your DH needs to put his foot down.

It's the cheek of it.

I've told the wife, they stayed together, he has never really forgiven me .

Very sad about that and wish I could have seen him first to talk to him - too convoluted a story but I did the wrong thing.

I still really miss his friendship even though her and I are best friends

I was talking to DH about it and the guys are all pretty bemused by the way he's acting, even the unmarrieds. But it's that bloke thing that no-one will confront him or issue threats to tell his wife although some have warned him to stop using them as alibis as they don't want to get dragged in.
DH thinks he just needs to grow up.
There is an angle I don't like at all but I think some of his mates have kind of excused him as they don't think his wife attractive, she has always been quite big and I know some people find it hysterical the big woman, little guy couple.
I'm feeling more and more I can't tell her and I can't see how I'd get a chance to talk to him directly. Oh dear it's a shit situation, I feel like I'm betraying her and she totally doesn't deserve this.

madamdeathstare, he is crass it's so true. That's what makes me so mad. He seems the doting dad, always out and about with baby. It's hard to believe he can behave like this. I was so shocked when he tried it on with me but he insisted he'd read the wrong signals which I see was blatant attempt to shift blame. I didn't really know him well then, DH and I hadn't been together long but since we all have had our dc's we're more of 4some. I had hoped his cheating days had finished but apparently not.
It's also quite scary to be an observer of this situation as I constantly think how terrible it would be if my strong relationship was a figment of my imagination too. I think sometimes women are strung along by these types of guys and it makes me so angry that he can waste her life like this.

I've just realised how utterly crap my post was (too self pitying with no actual advice for you)

If you're not mates with him tell her.

If you are mates with him tell him you are going to tell her in one week so he has a chance to.

I would want to know and I would not kick the messenger for telling me.

Thanks Laurie, I think the only option at the moment is to try to talk to him. I don't want to throw a grenade into their life and it's worth a try and better than doing nowt.
My loyalty is definitely with her but I can't face telling her something so damaging